![\"Inline](\"/image/article/velociraptor_photo_2.jpg\")
\n \n DAYTON, OH -- A wave of hatred is rolling across the great US. There are senate bills being proposed in Maryland and other states to ban sports betting outright. There is nation wide blowback to the prevalence of DraftKing, FanDuel, PrizePicks, Caesars, Underdog, and various other gambling platform ads which pollute nearly all of sporting broadcasts. Your friends have their phones in their hands during every game, palms dewy from the constant stress of hitting a $5 promotional same-game parlay for some made-up virtual or crypto currency.
\nNo longer is betting confined to a cigar filled Sports Book in the corner of a reservation casino, which they literally only keep them open as a courtesy while your wife goes and plays slots. That is what a Sports Book really used to be. Essentially an adult daycare with the grown man equivalent of Cocomelon playing on 12 screens. Not a single thought floating through that toddler brain as you clutched a little slip of paper, sipped a light lager, and perspired freely.
\nNo longer. This activity is now readily available from the comfort of your own couch. As God intended. You don't need to pay for a $10 Miller Lite anymore, and you're free from bumping shoulders with strangers. The equivalent to Bowling Alone for the previously social act of losing and winning money on the physical merits of another human being.
\nThey're trying to take this away from you, just like everything else.
\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff sees this as tragic. We think the world needs to go into the opposite direction. Embrace, Extend, Enshittify. Sports Betting should become the barrier of entry. The bare minimum requirement to even watch a sporting event for free. Hear me out. Instead of having 100+ streaming subscription based services, there are free streaming platforms with integrations into the major Sports Books. We get rid of ads completely. All one needs to do is place a few bets during the game. A minimum of 5 per game is a good start.
\nI know what you are thinking. \"The first one is free\", you say. A common adage when it comes to the entry point to an addictive behavior. But, don't you see, that is the point. This will proliferate like wild-fire. Reality TV shows, network television, late-night TV hosts. Next up, highschool sports and little league and pee-wee football games.
\nAmerica must embrace this. It is only being propped up by the creative accounting bets made on AI, so this is the next logical progression of not only our societal future but also the basis of a new financial paradigm. Third and fourth order derivatives on betting. Bundling parlays into tranches. Selling these to retirement investors. It. Is. The. Future.
\nI love you.
\n", "date": "2025-11-01T09:21:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/opinion-sports-betting-should-not-only-be-legal-but-a-placing-a-bet-should-be-a-prerequisite-for-watching-a-live-game/", "image": "/image/article/parlay-game-requirement.jpg" }, { "title": "The Eagles took out Skattebo specifically to tank my fantasy season", "description": "Look how they massacred by boy", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I've been playing Fantasy Football for approaching 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. And look, is that on me? No. Trades are for the weak. I'm confident in my choices.
\nHowever this season was different. I was SET UP to win. It was basically ordained. The Pope gave up the ghost, and in his dying breath he granted me this season like an indulgence upon a Medici. Until this fateful day.
\nI must have pissed off a witch, or at minimum the goth barista who spits in my drink every morning. She also gets a complaint when she doesn't.
\nThe universe conspired against me, some Butterfly Effect-esque event with less Kutcher than I would prefer. The Eagles intentionally shattered Cam's ankle, I'm coming out and saying it. Anything is possible, especially with all the gambling allegations floating around.
\nHere is the kicker: I fell on my own sword. In a twist of fate I somehow also drafted the Eagles defense. Not only did I draft them, I took a chance and drafted them as my second round pick. Is this destiny? Punishment for a lack of hubris? Some cruel joke? I can't tell.
\nWhat I do know is: I'm not winning fantasy for an 11th year in a row.
\n", "date": "2025-10-26T12:01:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-eagles-took-out-skattebo-specifically-to-tank-my-fantasy-season/", "image": "/image/article/skattebo_halo.jpeg" }, { "title": "LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest", "description": "Long live the King.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Wait, you're telling me the NBA is rigged? Can't be. Not after the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals. Not after the physical existence of Scott Foster since birth. It is 2025, the Mafia doesn't even exist anymore.
\nThis reads like a David Baldacci, complete with X-Ray machines, on-going blackmail, threats of violence and more.
\nThe thing is that Bron is CLEAN. No controversies. Those women-of-the-night that Drake hooked him up with? Good clean fun, they went to lazer tag. Mims and Alexander? They were getting their pump on while Bron turned the other cheek. Bronny? A star athlete who deserves to be in the NBA.
\nSo what does the radical woke left do? They get paid by Soros and protest as always. Now they're swarming the Crypto Arena, hungry for blood. They're chanting \"No Kings\", \"Bring the Lakers back to Minnesota\", and they're calling for the Mike Pence treatment of Scott Foster.
\nAdam Silver says that there are good people on both sides of this.
\nAnd we do not agree.
\n", "date": "2025-10-24T11:39:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/lebron-james-caught-up-in-nokings-protests-after-billups-rozier-arrest/", "image": "/image/article/bron-crown-edit.jpg" }, { "title": "Could Saquon Barkley Take A Velociraptor?", "description": "“Go Birds?”", "content": "ISLA SORNA, Costa Rica – Saquon Barkley is at the height of his powers and in the best shape of his life. At just 28 years old, the Eagles running back has entered his eighth NFL season as the reigning Offensive Player of the Year and a Superbowl champion, not to mention the most popular player in the league. He has all the flashy moves, confidence, and winning mentality of a superstar, and as good as he is, he’s only getting better.
\nSo, could Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked?
\nNo. Two Saquon Barkleys couldn’t beat a raptor. Three Saquon Barkleys is where we can start to have a discussion, but it’s still most likely all of them are dead or dying within a couple minutes.
\nYou might say, “but that’s Saquon Barkley. He’s a big guy- 233 pounds. But he’s also super fast and agile. The dude breaks tackles in his sleep.”
\nWell, maybe mommy and daddy haven’t let you watch Jurassic Park yet, because if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be so sure about his chances against a raptor. Look: we’re not talking about the huggable teddy bears from the reboot movies. We’re talking about the real thing. The 300-pound six-feet-tall phantom predators of your dad’s nightmares. Deinonychus.
\nWe’re talking about deranged man-sized lizard monsters that only want to hunt and eat YOU. They have cheetah speed and knives for fingernails, and can open doors and jump onto roofs. Make no mistake, they have complete psycho energy at all hours of the day, and they will chase you down, disembowel you with one swipe, and start eating your organs while you’re still alive. Dead serious. They’re fucking terrifying. If my parents hear me say that I’m toast, but there’s no other way to describe it.
\n\n\n\n\n \n So how about five Saquon Barkleys? Surely five of the 2024 NFL Offensive Player of the Year could beat one raptor, right?
\nWell, consider this: it only takes a fraction of a second for a raptor to disembowel a Saquon Barkley, completely taking him out of the game. Now you only have four Saquon Barkleys.
\n10 Saquon Barkleys is interesting because you have enough bodies to somewhat overwhelm the raptor, at least for a moment. But what even is their offense? Can you punch a raptor to death? Are they going to kick it in the ribs? Remember, they’re not wearing shoes.
\nIt seems the real plan would be to have one or two Saquon Barkleys try to strangle the raptor while the rest pin it down. Certainly, some restraining will have to be done, and a handful of Saquon Barkleys would indeed have a weight advantage. However, the barrier remains, and the Saquon Barkleys know this, that to the raptor’s teeth and razor-sharp claws, their soft naked bodies would be like butter to a hot knife.
\n\n\n\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/velociraptor_photo_1.jpg\")
\n \n Let’s go for overkill: 25 Saquon Barkleys. 25 of the best running back in the game, the former Offensive Rookie of the Year turned Superbowl Champion and NFL Rushing Yards Leader. Surely 25 Saquon Barkleys is sufficient, but let’s do our due diligence and examine the situation at hand:
\nThis velociraptor is a death machine out of its mind. You’re 25 Saquon Barkleys with no clothes on and no organization. There’s nothing to hide behind and you’re scared and ashamed of your manhood, and by the time you snap to reality you’re down to 21, then 20 Saquon Barkleys, and there’s blood everywhere, and all you hear is screaming, and snarling, and no one has even hurt the raptor yet.
\nSo as difficult to believe as it may be, the research indicates that 25 Saquon Barkleys would have a very tough time winning this fight.
\nCould 100 Saquon Barkleys take a raptor?
\nSure, why not. Maybe if they’re well-coordinated and really have some harumph in the fight, maybe they could beat the raptor.
\nBut you can’t have 100 Saquon Barkleys.
\nIn the opinion of this reporter, any reasonable number of Saquon Barkleys is not enough to win this fight, and even unreasonable numbers like 100 are dubious.
\nAnd with that I can hear all you would-be paleontologists typing at me, so okay, fine. We can dream. My mom didn’t cover my eyes during the raptor scenes, and we’re way out of scope, but sure, we can dream. How many seats are there in Lincoln Financial Stadium? 67,594.
\nCould 67,594 Saquon Barkleys kill a raptor? Yeah, I guess they probably could.
\nBut what’s even the point of that? 67,594 nobodies could kill a raptor, probably. You’re now completely missing the point of journalistic inquiry and sadly, Saquon Barkley no longer has a place in this conversation.
\nBut still, imagine- a stadium completely full of people, with two football teams and all the crew and everyone on the sidelines, and venders and mascots amongst the crowd and useless security milling about- upwards of 68,000 people. 68,000 people naked and confused and suddenly very afraid, and one pissed-off velociraptor right at center field.
\nImagine that. Wait no, a T-Rex.
\n", "date": "2025-10-22T18:25:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/could-saquon-barkley-take-a-velociraptor/", "image": "/image/article/saquon-barkley-vs-velociraptor.jpg" }, { "title": "The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices", "description": "Imagine There's No Baseball", "content": "LOS ANGELES, California – The Los Angeles Dodgers have cemented themselves as the reigning dynasty in baseball, and despite a rockier season than last year, have seemed prepared to repeat their World Series victory this fall. However, their hopes for a second championship now seem to be in jeopardy as the 92-year-old artist Yoko Ono has been showing up to more and more of the team’s practices.
\nDodgers Head Coach Dave Roberts had this to say:
\n“We all agree it’s totally inappropriate for her to be there, but no one throws her out so, apparently it’s allowed. Most of the time she’s quiet and just watches. There’s also been a few times where she started wailing into a microphone and someone had to go take it away from her. I drew the line when she said she should be on the team playing as backup catcher, and luckily no one has budged on that.”
\nOno has made no statement about her intentions and 5thQuarterSports did not want to approach her for comment.
\n", "date": "2025-09-02T17:42:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/the-dodgers-dynasty-in-turmoil-as-yoko-ono-shows-up-to-more-practices/", "image": "/image/article/dodgers-yoko-ono.jpg" }, { "title": "BREAKING: Cooper Flagg Passed Up Offer For Secretary Of Defense To Join NBA Draft", "description": "-", "content": "WASHINGTON, D.C. – Three weeks after 18-year-old Cooper Flagg was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks as the first overall pick in the 2025 NBA Draft, the promising young star let it slip that he had recently passed up an offer from President Donald Trump to become the next Secretary of Defense, the highest executive position over the United States Armed Forces.
\nIn a conversation he hoped would stay between us, Flagg said President Trump personally gave him an open invitation to take the role earlier this year.
\n“It was over the phone, and it was short. He didn’t really offer me the job like right then, he just said ‘whenever we’re done with [Secretary of Defense] Pete [Hegseth].’”
\nFlagg explained that he had strongly considered taking the job but was worried it would conflict with his dreams of becoming a professional basketball player.
\nAsked to comment, President Trump said, “Cooper Flagg, what a name. I think it sounds like America winning a great big battle for our beautiful country. And he’s kind of like Larry Bird, we love Larry Bird.”
\n", "date": "2025-07-20T14:13:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-cooper-flagg-passed-up-offer-for-secretary-of-defense-to-join-nba-draft/", "image": "/image/article/cooper-flag-white-house.jpeg" }, { "title": "The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams", "description": "They have class, they're classy", "content": "OAKLAND, California – The Golden State Valkyries are tearing it up in their inaugural season as part of the WNBA’s latest expansion and showing plenty of promise as the newest pro sports team in the San Francisco Bay Area.
\nAnd even amidst their excitement, the Valkyries players continue to show a stunning sensitivity to how this is actually a dark and desperate time for Bay Area sports fans, owing to the recent departure of some of the region’s most beloved franchises.
\nThe 49ers moving their stadium to Santa Clara, and the Warriors bailing across the bay to San Francisco- those were both betrayals. But the first true gut punch was when the Raiders completely abandoned Oakland and moved away to become The Las Vegas Raiders.
\nAnd now the Oakland Athletics, **historic and iconic franchise of the East Bay** after years and years of agonizing back-and-forths and heartlessly toying with their fanbase, the A’s are finally, officially, leaving the Bay. And they’re also moving to Vegas- but for the next three years until their stadium is built, they’re playing their games in, of all places, Sacramento?!
\nThese are the kinds of frustrations you will hear whispered or shouted in sports bars and social gatherings across the Bay Area, and usually somewhere behind the people talking is a Valkyries player nodding with a blank expression.
\nIf they’re having this conversation at a park with a large open field, then sometimes there are two Valkyries players nodding in the background, and usually behind them is a Bay FC player raising her arms and yelling, but she’s way over on the other end of the field.
\n", "date": "2025-06-27T05:27:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-golden-state-valkyries-nod-in-silence-as-the-bay-area-mourns-the-loss-of-its-sports-teams/", "image": "/image/article/valkyries.jpg" }, { "title": "Top 5 NFL Players Who Could Be The Next Unibomber", "description": "You will never guess who is number 1", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- We break down which players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense.
\nHuge shoutout to the man Nick, a pillar of his community. Sadly he makes the list. This Texan hails from small town Georgia, Cedartown to be exact. Hidden in this little town? Does it ring any bells? That's right, the dark tunes of Wayland Jennings and his Cedartown, Georgia album. This inspiration, while loose, definitely touched the heart of Chubb and that's the reason he ends up on our little list.
\nHarvard-man himself Juszczyk makes the list at number 4. Harvard just so happens to be the school that Kaczynski also attended. Coincidence? Probably. While we don't have any proof he had not participated in any mind-control studies while attending school, we also can't say we don't have proof. That being said, we think this number 4 slot is well deserved. There are few Harvard grads in the NFL comparatively so this carries extra weight in our analysis.
\nUp next is Galik, selected in the 2015 draft. While his career was brief, he still makes the list in our eyes. Why you ask? Good question. He and Ted both grew up in Evergreen Park, Illinois. Maybe there is something in the water there, maybe there isn't. We don't want to find out.
\nUrschel is a shining star and a powerful mind. Sadly, so was Kaczynski. Urschel attended MIT where he obtained an impressive PhD in mathematics. Now, was Ted one of his personal heros? We don't believe so, but something lines up a bit too strongly. Both men are cool, calculating, and sharp. However Urschel is a Canadian so that might as well disqualify him from this list.
\nFinally, our best guess. McGary grew up hunting and fishing in the Pacific Northwest, a true outdoorsman. He is interested in living off the grid post-NFL, ready to dissolve into the background of the wilderness Into the Wild style. Bad news, so was Ted. We hear the cabin was removed from the lab, Kaleb. Don't go lookin' for it.
\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. With this win comes fame, recognition, and of course brand deals. The world has moved on pasted the time honored Wheaties, the world has more sophisticated tastes. On the table for Gauff is Cocofloss, the rope-like floss which is sweeping the nation. This is fitting for a tennis player because it is thick and durable enough to string a racket. It causes advanced levels of gum bleeding, it is NOT for the faint of heart.
\nUp next on the list of sponsorship deals is with Cocoa Puffs. We are coo-coo for Coco Gauff (my Canadian girlfriend told me this one as I was desperately trying to find other pun-based sponsorships). The commercial is set to be in the style of \"Who Framed Roger Rabbit\", with her playing tennis against that fucked up bird which I can't seem to Google the name for.
\nFinally, we have Coco Gauff coconuts. I've given up. I've been doomscrolling for weeks, 4-5 hours on my phone each day just flicking between apps like a rat with a pleasure button. I don't even watch tennis. I'm so underqualified to write this article.
\nShout out Coco Gauff. We're proud.
\n", "date": "2025-06-13T16:45:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/coco-gauff-gets-new-brand-partnerships-after-french-open-coco-gauff-cocofloss-coco-gauff-cocoa-puffs-and-more/", "image": "/image/article/coco_gauf_cocofloss.jpg" }, { "title": "Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted Family Secret On The Eve Of Game 1 Of The NBA Finals", "description": "Twists and turns you would never guess!", "content": "Oh no!
\nOKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – The NBA Finals are finally here, and this year features a thrilling matchup of two young teams eager to win their first championship: The Oklahoma City Thunder, led by league MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and The Indiana Pacers, led by the intrepid Tyrese Haliburton. The Thunder haven’t won a championship since 1979 when the team was still in Seattle, and the Pacers have only one failed Finals run to their names. With these franchises hungry for a title and so many up-and-coming players new to this level of the game, the stage is set for a historic and exhilarating Finals series and it all begins at 5:30 tomorrow with tip-off at Paycom Center in downtown Oklahoma City.
\nBut Tyrese Haliburton’s mind may be elsewhere.
\nHaliburton told 5QS reporters late tonight that he had just learned of a dark and terrible secret about his family- a twisted tale of feuds, conspiracies, betrayal, and romance that stretches across his family tree for generations.
\nThe 25-year-old says the true story of his family was revealed to him earlier tonight by a relative he had believed to be dead when they suddenly opened the sliding door to his hotel balcony and stepped out into the cool night air to greet him, a mere 19 hours before the start of Game 1 of The NBA Finals.
\nThis raises immediate and obvious questions about Haliburton’s fitness to play in these crucial Finals games. When we spoke to the ECF Champion at the hotel bar he appeared to be deeply shaken by the story he had heard, which he described as an epic prologue of tragedy, triumph, and the cyclical missteps of man.
\nWhat is Tyrese going to do?! This would be a lot for anyone to process, let alone someone who is making their Finals debut tomorrow.
\nWhat if tomorrow night the Pacers are down by 1 with 8 seconds left in the game and Tyrese has the ball but all he can think about is how deep the betrayal runs!?
\nNow that he knows the man who raised him is not his real father, will he still be able to make dagger threes in the fourth quarter like he’s done all season?
\nWill he be distracted by his family cheering for him from the sidelines, knowing that they have stolen his inheritance and made him live a lie??
\nIt’s a lot to take in, and there are a million questions that Tyrese will want answered.
\nAdditionally, the young star now has actions he can take, choices he must make; yet, Tyrese knows that getting involved may cost him not just his Mamba Mentality, but his life.
\nIf even half of the story is true, being one of the few living people who knows the secret will put a target on his back, both from family members and from the law.
\nThen again, Haliburton himself may now be out for blood. Lord knows he’d be within his rights. But no matter how bad he wants to see justice done, right now he has a responsibility to his team and his fans to be totally locked in for The Finals.
\nBut is Tyrese going to be ready???
\nAnd now that he knows one of the players on the Thunder is actually his biological brother but they don’t know it, will he be able to guard that player, or drive on him when the Pacers really need a basket in crunch time??
\nWhen we spoke to Tyrese he said he was ready for the game and the news he received wouldn’t affect his performance, but he gravely acknowledged there was a lot to think about.
\nHe said he couldn’t go into any details, but it seems to this reporter that Tyrese’s entire extended family has lied to him about his identity and the nature of his conception, possibly so as to cut him out of inheritance money from the diamond mine in the Congo that brought vast wealth to his mother’s side of the family and financed the early criminal activities of his father’s side, but possibly also to keep him in the dark about both family’s ties to the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and Singapore, or about the escalating violence that has taken the lives of dozens of relatives on both sides and that served as the backdrop for the forbidden romance of his mother and his real father, who has recently gone missing. The plot to deceive Tyrese was likely orchestrated by his great grandmother who is living to an unusual age and by his disfigured uncle who inherited the deed to the diamond mine after the mysterious death of his able-bodied brother but later lost it to the dangerous madam of a Grecian brothel who was herself a client of Tyrese’s paternal grandfather’s criminal conglomerate and helped assure their safe passage to America and expansion into competitive markets. The deed lost, a group of Tyrese’s mother’s siblings and cousins, most of which had disappeared from society, would later arrange the believable death of the dangerous madam’s daughter, by then the holder of the deed to the diamond mine deep in the Congo, and grant ownership to the eldest living cousin, John, who had the next in line cousin sent to a sanatorium where she would stay until her unbelievable death and where she met the imposter that would later pretend to be Tyrese’s father, all while his mother conspired with Tyrese’s real father on the side for machinations that are yet unknown and personally set out to eliminate any threats to her inheritance and to destroy the last remaining sperm samples of Tyrese’s real father and the imposter.
\nAnd The Finals are tomorrow!
\n", "date": "2025-06-05T11:49:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/tyrese-haliburton-discovers-dark-and-twisted-family-secret-on-the-eve-of-game-1-of-the-nba-finals/", "image": "/image/article/1000004714.jpg" } ] }