![\"Inline](\"/image/article/velociraptor_photo_2.jpg\")
\n \n NEW YORK -- Its a dark day for the city of New York, and an even darker month. Hired in just 2022 with a fire cracker season, things went from bad to worse for Daboll. And now, the former head coach of the New York Giants is now on the brink of homelessness, and is considering sharing space in the sewers of New York with the mutated turtles and fresh Albanian immigrants. This is the absolute worst time for him to lose his job, in this economy without readily available government assistance? How will he feed his literal 6 children?
\nDanny Dimes couldn't save them, after he went from throwing dimes to selling bags of them. Jaxson Dart can't even spell his own fucked up name after what happened to him today. A young-blood is needed. Some fresh young, tight citrus with dimpled dewy skin.
\nThe only solution to this problem? Arch Manning drops out of UT and ascends the thrown like Faramir to Gondor. One throw to rule them all, one throw to win them. One pass to win the game, and in New York bind them. The Manning name shall live on in the hallowed halls of Metlife stadium. The Stewards of Metlife shall lead New York out of the trenches of defeat.
\n", "date": "2025-11-09T14:21:00-08:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/brian-daboll-cant-get-his-snap-benefits-save-us-arch-youre-our-only-hope/", "image": "/image/article/arch_manning_returns.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Terence Crawford Will Focus Less On Boxing, More On Toastmasters", "description": "Undefeated Fighter Terence Crawford Pivots To Public Speaking", "content": "OMAHA, Nebraska – It has been two months since Terence Crawford dethroned Canelo Álvarez in the fight of the year and became the Undisputed Super Middleweight Champion, and fans and analysts alike have been wondering what Crawford will do next.
\nTheir questions were answered this morning when the undefeated Crawford, who holds a 42-0 record and has a generally interesting backstory, announced he will step away from boxing to spend more time on Toastmasters, the long-running social club for people seeking to improve their communication and public speaking skills.
\nIn a private press conference held exclusively for his favorite news outlets, Crawford read from handwritten cue cards and gave the following remarks:
\n\n\nGood morning. It has come to my attention that I am an extremely boring person whenever I talk out loud, and that my tone, demeanor, and message come across as offensively flat and devoid of any recognizable human expression.
\n
\n\nOut of concern for how this could damage my career and reflect on my personality, I have decided to focus my training on Toastmasters, which is like a club for anyone who wants to come practice their public speaking, but in a friendly, safe environment.
\n
\n\nThis training will empower me to produce convincing emotions in my delivery and to say things that will keep interviewers from wishing they were elsewhere.
\n
\n\nIn order to accomplish this goal, I must take a step back from boxing, the sport I have loved, dominated, and devoted my life to. But I want to assure my competitors and my fans that this break is temporary, and I will return as a better fighter, interviewee, and friend.
\n
\n\nI have achieved everything I’ve set my mind to in boxing, I’ve won every fight, and I have proven that my name belongs amongst the greatest the sport has ever seen. It is obvious to me now that the only threat to my legacy is the catastrophically boring effect that I have on everyone I speak to.
\n
\n\nBut hear me now: I will rise to the challenge, yet again.
\n
Crawford then took questions from the last reporter still in the room, but said little of note.
\n", "date": "2025-11-07T20:04:00-08:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/breaking-terence-crawford-will-focus-less-on-boxing-more-on-toastmasters/", "image": "/image/article/terence-crawford-toastmasters.jpg", "category": "combat", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Antonio Brown arrested for being too based and red-pilled", "description": "Antonio Brown was extradited for being way too cool and being too good at the site formally known as Twitter.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I mean, we can't even fly to Dubai while being an internationally wanted criminal anymore? Insane. They're treating AB like RD (Rodrigo Duterte) at the Hague.
\nWe need a CTESPN Live Replay of this arrest.
\nBut in all seriousness what is up with those with head trauma loving guns?
\n", "date": "2025-11-06T18:14:00-08:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/breaking-antonio-brown-arrested-for-being-too-based-and-red-pilled/", "image": "/image/article/antonio_brown_guns.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "76ers star Embiid fined $50K for dropping the 6-7", "description": "What has the world come to?", "content": "PHILADELPHIA -- In a shocking turn of events the NBA has issued a totally reasonable and not bullshit fine against a player. 76ers star and recently outed meme-lord Embiid wrapped up his game against the Boston Celtics by dropping a quick 6-7 on the kicks. He then flossed, teabagged Lucky the Leprechaun, and then headed to the lockerroom.
\nIs it absurd that the NBA has issued this fine? No, of course not. They're embroiled in a gambling scandal that runs deep within the organization. Embiid is the sacrificial lamb to get some of the heat off. The more that they conflate regular behavior with fine-able offenses the more \"just\" and \"moral\" they will see.
\nThis is the beginning of a dark crack-down to avoid a devastating truth from being leaked. Next up? The NBA is going to shut down. Refs will call out sick en-masse as their not getting paid (bribed).
\nRelease the files.
\n", "date": "2025-11-02T13:42:00-08:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/76ers-star-embiid-fined-50k-for-dropping-the-6-7/", "image": "/image/article/embiid_fine.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live game", "description": "Please place your bets to proceed to the Live Stream", "content": "DAYTON, OH -- A wave of hatred is rolling across the great US. There are senate bills being proposed in Maryland and other states to ban sports betting outright. There is nation wide blowback to the prevalence of DraftKing, FanDuel, PrizePicks, Caesars, Underdog, and various other gambling platform ads which pollute nearly all of sporting broadcasts. Your friends have their phones in their hands during every game, palms dewy from the constant stress of hitting a $5 promotional same-game parlay for some made-up virtual or crypto currency.
\nNo longer is betting confined to a cigar filled Sports Book in the corner of a reservation casino, which they literally only keep them open as a courtesy while your wife goes and plays slots. That is what a Sports Book really used to be. Essentially an adult daycare with the grown man equivalent of Cocomelon playing on 12 screens. Not a single thought floating through that toddler brain as you clutched a little slip of paper, sipped a light lager, and perspired freely.
\nNo longer. This activity is now readily available from the comfort of your own couch. As God intended. You don't need to pay for a $10 Miller Lite anymore, and you're free from bumping shoulders with strangers. The equivalent to Bowling Alone for the previously social act of losing and winning money on the physical merits of another human being.
\nThey're trying to take this away from you, just like everything else.
\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff sees this as tragic. We think the world needs to go into the opposite direction. Embrace, Extend, Enshittify. Sports Betting should become the barrier of entry. The bare minimum requirement to even watch a sporting event for free. Hear me out. Instead of having 100+ streaming subscription based services, there are free streaming platforms with integrations into the major Sports Books. We get rid of ads completely. All one needs to do is place a few bets during the game. A minimum of 5 per game is a good start.
\nI know what you are thinking. \"The first one is free\", you say. A common adage when it comes to the entry point to an addictive behavior. But, don't you see, that is the point. This will proliferate like wild-fire. Reality TV shows, network television, late-night TV hosts. Next up, highschool sports and little league and pee-wee football games.
\nAmerica must embrace this. It is only being propped up by the creative accounting bets made on AI, so this is the next logical progression of not only our societal future but also the basis of a new financial paradigm. Third and fourth order derivatives on betting. Bundling parlays into tranches. Selling these to retirement investors. It. Is. The. Future.
\nI love you.
\n", "date": "2025-11-01T09:21:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/opinion-sports-betting-should-not-only-be-legal-but-a-placing-a-bet-should-be-a-prerequisite-for-watching-a-live-game/", "image": "/image/article/parlay-game-requirement.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Eagles took out Skattebo specifically to tank my fantasy season", "description": "Look how they massacred by boy", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I've been playing Fantasy Football for approaching 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. And look, is that on me? No. Trades are for the weak. I'm confident in my choices.
\nHowever this season was different. I was SET UP to win. It was basically ordained. The Pope gave up the ghost, and in his dying breath he granted me this season like an indulgence upon a Medici. Until this fateful day.
\nI must have pissed off a witch, or at minimum the goth barista who spits in my drink every morning. She also gets a complaint when she doesn't.
\nThe universe conspired against me, some Butterfly Effect-esque event with less Kutcher than I would prefer. The Eagles intentionally shattered Cam's ankle, I'm coming out and saying it. Anything is possible, especially with all the gambling allegations floating around.
\nHere is the kicker: I fell on my own sword. In a twist of fate I somehow also drafted the Eagles defense. Not only did I draft them, I took a chance and drafted them as my second round pick. Is this destiny? Punishment for a lack of hubris? Some cruel joke? I can't tell.
\nWhat I do know is: I'm not winning fantasy for an 11th year in a row.
\n", "date": "2025-10-26T12:01:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-eagles-took-out-skattebo-specifically-to-tank-my-fantasy-season/", "image": "/image/article/skattebo_halo.jpeg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest", "description": "Long live the King.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Wait, you're telling me the NBA is rigged? Can't be. Not after the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals. Not after the physical existence of Scott Foster since birth. It is 2025, the Mafia doesn't even exist anymore.
\nThis reads like a David Baldacci, complete with X-Ray machines, on-going blackmail, threats of violence and more.
\nThe thing is that Bron is CLEAN. No controversies. Those women-of-the-night that Drake hooked him up with? Good clean fun, they went to lazer tag. Mims and Alexander? They were getting their pump on while Bron turned the other cheek. Bronny? A star athlete who deserves to be in the NBA.
\nSo what does the radical woke left do? They get paid by Soros and protest as always. Now they're swarming the Crypto Arena, hungry for blood. They're chanting \"No Kings\", \"Bring the Lakers back to Minnesota\", and they're calling for the Mike Pence treatment of Scott Foster.
\nAdam Silver says that there are good people on both sides of this.
\nAnd we do not agree.
\n", "date": "2025-10-24T11:39:00-07:00", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/lebron-james-caught-up-in-nokings-protests-after-billups-rozier-arrest/", "image": "/image/article/bron-crown-edit.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [{"id":1761412403510,"createdBy":"Sam","date":"2025-01-22T19:52:16.356Z","html":"Nice post man!","website":"asdfasdfasdf.com"},{"id":1761429890636,"createdBy":"David","date":"2025-10-25T22:04:48.914Z","html":"I mean who would even write something like this?","website":""},{"id":1761430610422,"createdBy":"James Woods","date":"2025-10-25T22:16:48.662Z","html":"This might be the worst article that I've ever read?","website":""}] }, { "title": "Could Saquon Barkley Take A Velociraptor?", "description": "“Go Birds?”", "content": "ISLA SORNA, Costa Rica – Saquon Barkley is at the height of his powers and in the best shape of his life. At just 28 years old, the Eagles running back has entered his eighth NFL season as the reigning Offensive Player of the Year and a Superbowl champion, not to mention the most popular player in the league. He has all the flashy moves, confidence, and winning mentality of a superstar, and as good as he is, he’s only getting better.
\nSo, could Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked?
\nNo. Two Saquon Barkleys couldn’t beat a raptor. Three Saquon Barkleys is where we can start to have a discussion, but it’s still most likely all of them are dead or dying within a couple minutes.
\nYou might say, “but that’s Saquon Barkley. He’s a big guy- 233 pounds. But he’s also super fast and agile. The dude breaks tackles in his sleep.”
\nWell, maybe mommy and daddy haven’t let you watch Jurassic Park yet, because if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be so sure about his chances against a raptor. Look: we’re not talking about the huggable teddy bears from the reboot movies. We’re talking about the real thing. The 300-pound six-feet-tall phantom predators of your dad’s nightmares. Deinonychus.
\nWe’re talking about deranged man-sized lizard monsters that only want to hunt and eat YOU. They have cheetah speed and knives for fingernails, and can open doors and jump onto roofs. Make no mistake, they have complete psycho energy at all hours of the day, and they will chase you down, disembowel you with one swipe, and start eating your organs while you’re still alive. Dead serious. They’re fucking terrifying. If my parents hear me say that I’m toast, but there’s no other way to describe it.
\n\n\n\n\n \n So how about five Saquon Barkleys? Surely five of the 2024 NFL Offensive Player of the Year could beat one raptor, right?
\nWell, consider this: it only takes a fraction of a second for a raptor to disembowel a Saquon Barkley, completely taking him out of the game. Now you only have four Saquon Barkleys.
\n10 Saquon Barkleys is interesting because you have enough bodies to somewhat overwhelm the raptor, at least for a moment. But what even is their offense? Can you punch a raptor to death? Are they going to kick it in the ribs? Remember, they’re not wearing shoes.
\nIt seems the real plan would be to have one or two Saquon Barkleys try to strangle the raptor while the rest pin it down. Certainly, some restraining will have to be done, and a handful of Saquon Barkleys would indeed have a weight advantage. However, the barrier remains, and the Saquon Barkleys know this, that to the raptor’s teeth and razor-sharp claws, their soft naked bodies would be like butter to a hot knife.
\n\n\n\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/velociraptor_photo_1.jpg\")
\n \n Let’s go for overkill: 25 Saquon Barkleys. 25 of the best running back in the game, the former Offensive Rookie of the Year turned Superbowl Champion and NFL Rushing Yards Leader. Surely 25 Saquon Barkleys is sufficient, but let’s do our due diligence and examine the situation at hand:
\nThis velociraptor is a death machine out of its mind. You’re 25 Saquon Barkleys with no clothes on and no organization. There’s nothing to hide behind and you’re scared and ashamed of your manhood, and by the time you snap to reality you’re down to 21, then 20 Saquon Barkleys, and there’s blood everywhere, and all you hear is screaming, and snarling, and no one has even hurt the raptor yet.
\nSo as difficult to believe as it may be, the research indicates that 25 Saquon Barkleys would have a very tough time winning this fight.
\nCould 100 Saquon Barkleys take a raptor?
\nSure, why not. Maybe if they’re well-coordinated and really have some harumph in the fight, maybe they could beat the raptor.
\nBut you can’t have 100 Saquon Barkleys.
\nIn the opinion of this reporter, any reasonable number of Saquon Barkleys is not enough to win this fight, and even unreasonable numbers like 100 are dubious.
\nAnd with that I can hear all you would-be paleontologists typing at me, so okay, fine. We can dream. My mom didn’t cover my eyes during the raptor scenes, and we’re way out of scope, but sure, we can dream. How many seats are there in Lincoln Financial Stadium? 67,594.
\nCould 67,594 Saquon Barkleys kill a raptor? Yeah, I guess they probably could.
\nBut what’s even the point of that? 67,594 nobodies could kill a raptor, probably. You’re now completely missing the point of journalistic inquiry and sadly, Saquon Barkley no longer has a place in this conversation.
\nBut still, imagine- a stadium completely full of people, with two football teams and all the crew and everyone on the sidelines, and venders and mascots amongst the crowd and useless security milling about- upwards of 68,000 people. 68,000 people naked and confused and suddenly very afraid, and one pissed-off velociraptor right at center field.
\nImagine that. Wait no, a T-Rex.
\n", "date": "2025-10-22T18:25:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/could-saquon-barkley-take-a-velociraptor/", "image": "/image/article/saquon-barkley-vs-velociraptor.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices", "description": "Imagine There's No Baseball", "content": "LOS ANGELES, California – The Los Angeles Dodgers have cemented themselves as the reigning dynasty in baseball, and despite a rockier season than last year, have seemed prepared to repeat their World Series victory this fall. However, their hopes for a second championship now seem to be in jeopardy as the 92-year-old artist Yoko Ono has been showing up to more and more of the team’s practices.
\nDodgers Head Coach Dave Roberts had this to say:
\n“We all agree it’s totally inappropriate for her to be there, but no one throws her out so, apparently it’s allowed. Most of the time she’s quiet and just watches. There’s also been a few times where she started wailing into a microphone and someone had to go take it away from her. I drew the line when she said she should be on the team playing as backup catcher, and luckily no one has budged on that.”
\nOno has made no statement about her intentions and 5thQuarterSports did not want to approach her for comment.
\n", "date": "2025-09-02T17:42:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/the-dodgers-dynasty-in-turmoil-as-yoko-ono-shows-up-to-more-practices/", "image": "/image/article/dodgers-yoko-ono.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Cooper Flagg Passed Up Offer For Secretary Of Defense To Join NBA Draft", "description": "-", "content": "WASHINGTON, D.C. – Three weeks after 18-year-old Cooper Flagg was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks as the first overall pick in the 2025 NBA Draft, the promising young star let it slip that he had recently passed up an offer from President Donald Trump to become the next Secretary of Defense, the highest executive position over the United States Armed Forces.
\nIn a conversation he hoped would stay between us, Flagg said President Trump personally gave him an open invitation to take the role earlier this year.
\n“It was over the phone, and it was short. He didn’t really offer me the job like right then, he just said ‘whenever we’re done with [Secretary of Defense] Pete [Hegseth].’”
\nFlagg explained that he had strongly considered taking the job but was worried it would conflict with his dreams of becoming a professional basketball player.
\nAsked to comment, President Trump said, “Cooper Flagg, what a name. I think it sounds like America winning a great big battle for our beautiful country. And he’s kind of like Larry Bird, we love Larry Bird.”
\n", "date": "2025-07-20T14:13:00-07:00", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-cooper-flagg-passed-up-offer-for-secretary-of-defense-to-join-nba-draft/", "image": "/image/article/cooper-flag-white-house.jpeg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams", "description": "They have class, they're classy", "content": "OAKLAND, California – The Golden State Valkyries are tearing it up in their inaugural season as part of the WNBA’s latest expansion and showing plenty of promise as the newest pro sports team in the San Francisco Bay Area.
\nAnd even amidst their excitement, the Valkyries players continue to show a stunning sensitivity to how this is actually a dark and desperate time for Bay Area sports fans, owing to the recent departure of some of the region’s most beloved franchises.
\nThe 49ers moving their stadium to Santa Clara, and the Warriors bailing across the bay to San Francisco- those were both betrayals. But the first true gut punch was when the Raiders completely abandoned Oakland and moved away to become The Las Vegas Raiders.
\nAnd now the Oakland Athletics, **historic and iconic franchise of the East Bay** after years and years of agonizing back-and-forths and heartlessly toying with their fanbase, the A’s are finally, officially, leaving the Bay. And they’re also moving to Vegas- but for the next three years until their stadium is built, they’re playing their games in, of all places, Sacramento?!
\nThese are the kinds of frustrations you will hear whispered or shouted in sports bars and social gatherings across the Bay Area, and usually somewhere behind the people talking is a Valkyries player nodding with a blank expression.
\nIf they’re having this conversation at a park with a large open field, then sometimes there are two Valkyries players nodding in the background, and usually behind them is a Bay FC player raising her arms and yelling, but she’s way over on the other end of the field.
\n", "date": "2025-06-27T05:27:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-golden-state-valkyries-nod-in-silence-as-the-bay-area-mourns-the-loss-of-its-sports-teams/", "image": "/image/article/valkyries.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Top 5 NFL Players Who Could Be The Next Unibomber", "description": "You will never guess who is number 1", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- We break down which players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense.
\nHuge shoutout to the man Nick, a pillar of his community. Sadly he makes the list. This Texan hails from small town Georgia, Cedartown to be exact. Hidden in this little town? Does it ring any bells? That's right, the dark tunes of Wayland Jennings and his Cedartown, Georgia album. This inspiration, while loose, definitely touched the heart of Chubb and that's the reason he ends up on our little list.
\nHarvard-man himself Juszczyk makes the list at number 4. Harvard just so happens to be the school that Kaczynski also attended. Coincidence? Probably. While we don't have any proof he had not participated in any mind-control studies while attending school, we also can't say we don't have proof. That being said, we think this number 4 slot is well deserved. There are few Harvard grads in the NFL comparatively so this carries extra weight in our analysis.
\nUp next is Galik, selected in the 2015 draft. While his career was brief, he still makes the list in our eyes. Why you ask? Good question. He and Ted both grew up in Evergreen Park, Illinois. Maybe there is something in the water there, maybe there isn't. We don't want to find out.
\nUrschel is a shining star and a powerful mind. Sadly, so was Kaczynski. Urschel attended MIT where he obtained an impressive PhD in mathematics. Now, was Ted one of his personal heros? We don't believe so, but something lines up a bit too strongly. Both men are cool, calculating, and sharp. However Urschel is a Canadian so that might as well disqualify him from this list.
\nFinally, our best guess. McGary grew up hunting and fishing in the Pacific Northwest, a true outdoorsman. He is interested in living off the grid post-NFL, ready to dissolve into the background of the wilderness Into the Wild style. Bad news, so was Ted. We hear the cabin was removed from the lab, Kaleb. Don't go lookin' for it.
\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. With this win comes fame, recognition, and of course brand deals. The world has moved on pasted the time honored Wheaties, the world has more sophisticated tastes. On the table for Gauff is Cocofloss, the rope-like floss which is sweeping the nation. This is fitting for a tennis player because it is thick and durable enough to string a racket. It causes advanced levels of gum bleeding, it is NOT for the faint of heart.
\nUp next on the list of sponsorship deals is with Cocoa Puffs. We are coo-coo for Coco Gauff (my Canadian girlfriend told me this one as I was desperately trying to find other pun-based sponsorships). The commercial is set to be in the style of \"Who Framed Roger Rabbit\", with her playing tennis against that fucked up bird which I can't seem to Google the name for.
\nFinally, we have Coco Gauff coconuts. I've given up. I've been doomscrolling for weeks, 4-5 hours on my phone each day just flicking between apps like a rat with a pleasure button. I don't even watch tennis. I'm so underqualified to write this article.
\nShout out Coco Gauff. We're proud.
\n", "date": "2025-06-13T16:45:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/coco-gauff-gets-new-brand-partnerships-after-french-open-coco-gauff-cocofloss-coco-gauff-cocoa-puffs-and-more/", "image": "/image/article/coco_gauf_cocofloss.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted Family Secret On The Eve Of Game 1 Of The NBA Finals", "description": "Twists and turns you would never guess!", "content": "Oh no!
\nOKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – The NBA Finals are finally here, and this year features a thrilling matchup of two young teams eager to win their first championship: The Oklahoma City Thunder, led by league MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and The Indiana Pacers, led by the intrepid Tyrese Haliburton. The Thunder haven’t won a championship since 1979 when the team was still in Seattle, and the Pacers have only one failed Finals run to their names. With these franchises hungry for a title and so many up-and-coming players new to this level of the game, the stage is set for a historic and exhilarating Finals series and it all begins at 5:30 tomorrow with tip-off at Paycom Center in downtown Oklahoma City.
\nBut Tyrese Haliburton’s mind may be elsewhere.
\nHaliburton told 5QS reporters late tonight that he had just learned of a dark and terrible secret about his family- a twisted tale of feuds, conspiracies, betrayal, and romance that stretches across his family tree for generations.
\nThe 25-year-old says the true story of his family was revealed to him earlier tonight by a relative he had believed to be dead when they suddenly opened the sliding door to his hotel balcony and stepped out into the cool night air to greet him, a mere 19 hours before the start of Game 1 of The NBA Finals.
\nThis raises immediate and obvious questions about Haliburton’s fitness to play in these crucial Finals games. When we spoke to the ECF Champion at the hotel bar he appeared to be deeply shaken by the story he had heard, which he described as an epic prologue of tragedy, triumph, and the cyclical missteps of man.
\nWhat is Tyrese going to do?! This would be a lot for anyone to process, let alone someone who is making their Finals debut tomorrow.
\nWhat if tomorrow night the Pacers are down by 1 with 8 seconds left in the game and Tyrese has the ball but all he can think about is how deep the betrayal runs!?
\nNow that he knows the man who raised him is not his real father, will he still be able to make dagger threes in the fourth quarter like he’s done all season?
\nWill he be distracted by his family cheering for him from the sidelines, knowing that they have stolen his inheritance and made him live a lie??
\nIt’s a lot to take in, and there are a million questions that Tyrese will want answered.
\nAdditionally, the young star now has actions he can take, choices he must make; yet, Tyrese knows that getting involved may cost him not just his Mamba Mentality, but his life.
\nIf even half of the story is true, being one of the few living people who knows the secret will put a target on his back, both from family members and from the law.
\nThen again, Haliburton himself may now be out for blood. Lord knows he’d be within his rights. But no matter how bad he wants to see justice done, right now he has a responsibility to his team and his fans to be totally locked in for The Finals.
\nBut is Tyrese going to be ready???
\nAnd now that he knows one of the players on the Thunder is actually his biological brother but they don’t know it, will he be able to guard that player, or drive on him when the Pacers really need a basket in crunch time??
\nWhen we spoke to Tyrese he said he was ready for the game and the news he received wouldn’t affect his performance, but he gravely acknowledged there was a lot to think about.
\nHe said he couldn’t go into any details, but it seems to this reporter that Tyrese’s entire extended family has lied to him about his identity and the nature of his conception, possibly so as to cut him out of inheritance money from the diamond mine in the Congo that brought vast wealth to his mother’s side of the family and financed the early criminal activities of his father’s side, but possibly also to keep him in the dark about both family’s ties to the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and Singapore, or about the escalating violence that has taken the lives of dozens of relatives on both sides and that served as the backdrop for the forbidden romance of his mother and his real father, who has recently gone missing. The plot to deceive Tyrese was likely orchestrated by his great grandmother who is living to an unusual age and by his disfigured uncle who inherited the deed to the diamond mine after the mysterious death of his able-bodied brother but later lost it to the dangerous madam of a Grecian brothel who was herself a client of Tyrese’s paternal grandfather’s criminal conglomerate and helped assure their safe passage to America and expansion into competitive markets. The deed lost, a group of Tyrese’s mother’s siblings and cousins, most of which had disappeared from society, would later arrange the believable death of the dangerous madam’s daughter, by then the holder of the deed to the diamond mine deep in the Congo, and grant ownership to the eldest living cousin, John, who had the next in line cousin sent to a sanatorium where she would stay until her unbelievable death and where she met the imposter that would later pretend to be Tyrese’s father, all while his mother conspired with Tyrese’s real father on the side for machinations that are yet unknown and personally set out to eliminate any threats to her inheritance and to destroy the last remaining sperm samples of Tyrese’s real father and the imposter.
\nAnd The Finals are tomorrow!
\n", "date": "2025-06-05T11:49:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/tyrese-haliburton-discovers-dark-and-twisted-family-secret-on-the-eve-of-game-1-of-the-nba-finals/", "image": "/image/article/1000004714.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Opinion: UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters", "description": "Catch these hands.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – It seems like we don’t really need sign language interpreters for UFC fights. Sports commentators already have so little to say, and, as far as sports go, it’s pretty easy to understand what’s happening in a fight.
\nHaving a sign language interpreter just means you’re watching them the whole time and missing all the action. The same is true of subtitles, which should be discouraged across all sports and any media not in a foreign language.
\nAnd it seems there’s little the interpreter could say that isn’t being said by the fighters.
\nMore importantly, UFC fights are invaluable opportunities for multi-tasking, starting with the fact that one should always be listening to music and/or podcasts while watching a fight.
\nFor music, we recommend Ravel’s Bolero or Vulvodynia’s Praenuntius Infiniti. For podcasts, it doesn’t really matter.
\nAs you watch the fight there are tons of quick moments where you can sneak in a few pushups, work on a long text, or practice your efficacy. Stealing these moments is essential to the success of any hot-blooded go-getter, and fighting sports present an ideal scenario.
\nAnd anyways, if you’re watching a UFC fight, then really you should be watching a Jake Paul fight. He’s a boxer, he doesn’t do UFC stuff.
\n", "date": "2025-05-28T12:13:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/opinion-ufc-fights-don-t-need-sign-language-interpreters/", "image": "/image/article/1000004685.jpg", "category": "combat", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Tom Brady 'Crashes Out' At Indy 500, Catches On Invisible Fire", "description": "He is lit.", "content": "INDIANAPOLIS -- Legendary sports commentator and Gisele Bündchen's ex-husband Tom Brady really stepped in this one. While off the track he is known for playing in various Netflix comedy shows and giving unrequested advice on quarterbacking, on the track he has a new persona. \"Hot shot\".
\nWhile flippantly smoking a black-and-mild during a refuel Tom sadly was engulfed in flames. Some thought this was a bit, a throwback to the beloved early 2000s comedy titled Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. We honestly thought the footage was some kind of Veo 3 deep-fake. However sources say this was real. Luckily, Tom's face is mostly plastic now, so he only ended up looking like a Ken Doll that a 10 year old held under a microscope for too long.
\nDanica Patrick was quoted saying
\n\"GoDaddy is an amazing hosting provider\"
\nWhich we thought was a bit odd, and topically unrelated.
\nAnd car number 8 driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was not available for comment.
\nAlso Indianapolis is a crazy name for a city. Like, just slap the -polis prefix on Indiana? Wild stuff out there in the midwest.
\n", "date": "2025-05-27T18:10:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/tom-brady-crashes-out-at-indy-500-catches-on-invisible-fire/", "image": "/image/article/brady-indy-500-fire.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Aaron Rogers Claims \"Hot Dogs\" Cure Cancer and \"Mustard\" Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services", "description": "Hotdogs, get your hotdogs.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- The Glizzy Gobbler, the Johnsonville man of the year, the King Glizard himself, Aaron Rodgers appeared on the JRE podcast spouting some truly revolutionary ideas surrounding health and wellness. This is some life altering medical advice from a professional who's been doing his own research since his days in the lab back at Butte College, just outside of lovely Chico, California.
\nFirst up, nanoparticles. He is been studying mustard for decades, this man knows his sauces. He's looked at the common French's from Walmart, to German Stone Ground from Wholefoods, to even specialty varieties like Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale Mustard from his alma mater. And guess what? They ALL cure AIDS. Wild stuff. They help restore T-Cell counts, and teach the body how to stop the small HIV invaders from propagating. Wild wild stuff. He is making strides in support of the LGBTQ+ community and we commend him for his forward thinking.
\nThen came the shocker. Weiners cure cancer. Something to do with nanoparticles attacking the microtubuales gone haywire after telomere shortening, but we're no experts and those three syllable words just confuse and anger us. Must be the head trauma. Apparently the number of grill marks are directly correlated to the shrinkage of tumors. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes. Sinclair's \"The Jungle\" had it all wrong.
\nFinally, when prodded by Rogan, Rogers opened up and announced that he is in talks to replace RFK JR. as Secretary of HHS after he had fallen out of favor with the Trump administration for attempting to curb the West Texas measles outbreak. Astonishing stuff, a meteoric rise in his political career.
\nWe may have been critical of the man in the past but we will be watching the health of the country closely after everyone is prescribed one glizzy per day, with mustard.
\n", "date": "2025-05-24T12:46:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/aaron-rogers-claims-hot-dogs-cure-cancer-and-mustard-cures-aids-on-joe-rogan-podcast-set-to-replace-rfk-jr-for-secretary-of-health-and-human-services/", "image": "/image/article/rogers-hotdog.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "White South African Refugees to Join BYU Men's Basketball Team", "description": "The team is excited to finally have some diversity.", "content": "SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- Freshly off Ellis Island and with their new American names, \"John Smith\", \"Malachi Johnson\", and \"Dave Nbusters\" have officially joined the BYU men's basketball team. Coach Keven Young (yes, that is actually the real name of the BYU men's basketball coach in 2025 we didn't make this part up) is excited to welcome the newcomers.
\n\"We've needed some diversity on this team for quite some time\", he says in a recent interview.
\nWe quizzled Grok, the semi-sentient AI trained by billionaire of South African origin Elon Musk, about this development. There have been claims that it has been overtrained by information booklets about a genocide in the region. When prompted it claimed it had no idea about the subject, that it wasn't recently fed with a few hundred man hours of reading materials, and that you should make your opinions based on your own experiences. An interesting and frankly unexpected response.
\nWe're excited to track the newcomer's stats this season and will be watching closely at their gameplay. However their refusal to share the court with players of Asiatic descent is concerning and does not bode well for the season.
\n", "date": "2025-05-15T13:15:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/white-south-african-refugees-to-join-byu-mens-basketball-team/", "image": "/image/article/byu-mens-basketball-crying.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Anthony Edwards Should Just Go For It And Tell His Children He Loves Them", "description": "ANT's feelings are...mixed to negative.", "content": "MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – At only 23 years old and in his fifth season, Anthony Edwards has quickly become one of the most athletic and popular players in the NBA. He has grown to be truly dominant on the court and is currently leading the Timberwolves on their fourth straight playoff run.
\nThe Timberwolves star is also rumored to be the “chosen one” as the next face of the league and confirmed to be an absentee father to at least three children with three different mothers.
\nConsequently, Edwards has spent most of the last two years facing media scrutiny for his fatherly absence, as well as some gentle encouragement to acknowledge his children more often.
\nIt is our opinion here at 5th Quarter Sports that Anthony Edwards should go for it and tell his bastard children he loves them. We believe this would have a good outcome for Edwards because small children have no idea when you’re lying to them.
\nNaturally, this is a complicated course of action for the three-time NBA All Star. Should Edwards decide to go for it, he needs to keep in mind that there will always be new children to say it to and that most children grow old enough to know they have been lied to.
\nDownsides notwithstanding, this could be a big media move for Edwards: if he is seen, on camera, holding one of his babies or toddlers and then he tells them he loves them- that would go a long way in cooling down the media and those pesky women, at least until the playoffs are over.
\nIn our opinion Edwards should make this move sooner rather than later, although right now the most important thing for the young star is to focus on leading his team through the Western Conference Finals against the winner of the Nuggets/Thunder series, and punching the Timberwolves’ ticket to the 2025 NBA Finals.
\n", "date": "2025-05-15T12:08:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/anthony-edwards-should-just-go-for-it-and-tell-his-children-he-loves-them/", "image": "/image/article/1000004598.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Kentucky Derby or An NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports", "description": "Both of these events involve an appropriate amount of whipping.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. While one is the sport you would 100% guess, the other is a more obscure bet. The semi-legal, shady, and hidden world of NFL Jerk Circle betting. It feels like I'm Hunter S. Thompson writing about San Juan cock-fighting even mentioning this forbidden fruit. My bets are off, as are the horses as well as the quarter backs. Dak Prescott to finish last (champ), while I have strong money on Rogers having to eat that soggy limp biscuit.
\nIts a swampy day under the bleachers at the Derby in Churchill Downs, where the NFL Jerk Circle is traditionally held. We're surrounded by several greats, Dana White is here promoting his new Meat Slap league, as well as Bob Costas with his signature peanutbuttery tones gracing the microphone. Its reduced to a tinny sound coming out of the small speaker at the edge of the circle. The scene is reminiscent of the ancient art of sumo. 250LB+ men, pensive, hands on their knees, hear naked.
\nA single shot rings, the cap gun is blown, and they're off. Its a quick endevour, all business no pleasure. A few muffled grunts, avoidant eye contact, the works. This year lasts 2:07, nearly reaching the record of '83. Noones going to Vronsky any of the jackers, even though Garoppolo did end up breaking his leg.
\nI've lost money, but I've gained culture.
\n", "date": "2025-05-03T11:47:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/the-kentucky-derby-or-an-nfl-jerk-circle-the-fastest-two-minutes-in-sports/", "image": "/image/article/kentucky-derby-waffle.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The NHL Has No Contingency Plan For Canada Becoming The 51st State", "description": "Elbows up.", "content": "VANCOUVER, BC -- If it’s true that God has a plan for each of us, Canada will soon become the 51st state of these United States of America.
\nIn this event, the National Hockey League has absolutely no plan.
\n“Can you imagine what that does to hockey if Canada becomes a state? Canada?” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It would destroy the fabric of the league. And we have no plan whatsoever for if this happens.”
\nAlong with emphasizing the league’s scrambling and lack of preparedness, Bettman went on to lament many of the implications of America annexing its northern neighbor.
\n“We’ve already got seven teams up there, but making them an actual state, that would ruin everything. And we already play little brother to Canada, culturally speaking. It’d be like your bully’s divorced dad marrying your divorced mom, and then your bully’s dad really tries to act like your real dad, and your real mom is totally powerless in the situation.”
\nThis sentiment has been echoed by most of the American officials in the NHL, including Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell. Campbell also spoke to 5th Quarter Sports reporters from an fifth-floor balcony and commented,
\n“I will continue to pray very, very hard that this talk of Canada joining the union is just typical distraction tactics and media manipulation by the White House. But if it does happen, you will find me at the end of a rope.”
\nMeanwhile, the Canadian members of the NHL administration presumably have no qualms with the whole thing, aside from the heck of a lot of paperwork it’d create.
\n", "date": "2025-05-01T19:15:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/the-nhl-has-no-contingency-plan-for-canada-becoming-the-51st-state/", "image": "/image/article/nhl-and-canada.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The NFL Owners Accidentally Added Me To The Shedeur Singal Group", "description": "Whoopsie Daisies.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Well, its happened again. Robert Kraft made a technological blunder and added me to an NFL owner's Signal group discussing Shedeur Sander's exclusion from the league. He meant to add John Mara apparently, and it shows the standing of the Giants franchise standing in the organization.
\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff is not at liberty to disclose the details surrounding the exclusion for matters of NFL security but we can share some messages before they were deleted.
\n\"Anyone down for massages on the 15th?\" - Robert Kraft.
\n\"Siri, call my son\" - Jerry Jones.
\n\"Can anyone help me extract Reid from Wendy's before the game?\" - Clark Hunt.
\n\"Adrenachrome is pretty awesome, anyone want a hit?\" - Jed York.
\nWhile we were in disbelief and thought we were being trolled by a teenager this appears to be 100% legitimate. They started discussing Shedeur's exclusion and I realized the legitimacy around the 3rd round of the draft when he was still undrafted.
\nWhile this mistake has massive consequences generally, given the NFL has invested so much money in technology for secure broadcasts that cannot be captured by piracy sites such as thestreameast.to, it also opens the door to how technology is generally in flux. Simple mistakes are bound to happen given how interconnected the world is. I have a feeling this won't be the last important group chat which is leaked publicly, nor will this be the most damning.
\n", "date": "2025-04-27T08:08:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-nfl-owners-accidentally-added-me-to-the-shedeur-singal-group/", "image": "/image/article/2025-draft-signal.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "5thQuarterSports Suddenly Barred From White House Press Briefings", "description": "Scary stuff.", "content": "WASHINGTON, D.C. – This morning 5th Quarter Sports was unexpectedly denied entry to the daily White House press briefing in the West Wing. Our reporters had not been contacted by the White House prior and only learned of the decision when they attempted to enter the briefing.
\nWhite House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt did not acknowledge our reporters, aside from having a member of her security deliver a post it note that read “scram!”
\nThis makes 5thQuarterSports only the latest in a string of news organizations that The White House has abruptly denied entry to routine press events.
\nThe Trump Administration’s decision comes as a surprise to 5thQuarterSports, since our admission to daily briefings had been guaranteed upon our continued intimidation of Associated Press.
\n", "date": "2025-04-25T08:03:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/5thquartersports-suddenly-barred-from-white-house-press-briefings/", "image": "/image/article/1000004463.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "As Playoffs Begin, NBA Reminds Players Free Will Is An Illusion", "description": "-", "content": "This weekend kicks off the 2025 NBA Playoffs and the most exciting time of the year for basketball.
\nTo mark the occasion, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sent a written message to all of the players who will be participating in the Playoffs, congratulating them on the end of the regular season and reminding them that free will is an illusion of the mind.
\nRead Silver’s full message here:
\n\n\n", "date": "2025-04-20T19:09:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/as-playoffs-begin-nba-reminds-players-free-will-is-an-illusion/", "image": "/image/article/nba-determinism.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Tariffs On NFL Draft Prospects Spells Disaster", "description": "Bad news for Travis Hunter and Abdul Carter: tariffs imposed on the NFL draft by the US government is shaking up how draft prospects are weighed and measured", "content": "Well done on another successful season, and congratulations on making it to the 2025 NBA Playoffs. The Referees Association and I wish all of you good fortune in your quest for the Finals and the title of NBA Champion. We also want to remind you that we have no free will in this life, and our fates are bound to the physics of the universe.
\nFrom the rise and fall of empires, to a moving screen above the three-point line, all of the past, present, and future is predetermined by the never-ending paths of little molecules, creating every moment in a cosmic chain reaction set in stone.
\nThe Playoffs are where legends are born, where stories are written. This is the time when the game of basketball, and its stars, shine the brightest. And for each legendary player, we know this was their destiny, because there is only one possible course of events in our world.
\nAnything is possible, and anything can happen in the NBA Playoffs. Even a small-market team like Oklahoma City could win it all this year. However, the outcome has already been decided. We have no control over what will transpire- this is the great mirage of consciousness.
\nThe winner of the 2025 NBA Finals has already been determined. One of these teams is waiting to be crowned champions, and the excitement is greater than ever. So on behalf of the NBA Referees Association and the entire league, I say go out there and give it your all.
\n
SAN FRANCISCO -- The draft is in shambles and the NFL organization is in a frenzy. Franchises are currently scrambling for a backup plan. The current US Presidential administration has place steep tariffs, up to 104%, on players being picked and traded. This has created some interesting scenarios.
\nFirst off, players who were slotted as first round picks such as Abdul Carter and Travis Hunter are now actually worth less than just one week ago. Due to the higher cost that they'll bring its actually suboptimal for teams to pick them. Picks much lower are actually smarter plays this time around.
\nAnother interesting mixup: who is paying these tariffs? Well, as we know tariffs are paid by the teams drafting players, who then push these prices onto...the fans. Not only are concession prices going up at all stadiums, the cost of Red Zone and Sunday Ticket are both expected to increase by around $10/mo each. A real shocker for already struggling sports fans.
\nWorst of all: you'll have to hear about this news for yet another week. This is the real crime.
\nLawsuits against the administration are already underway, filed by the NCAA as well as the NFL itsself. The 5thQuarterSports staff will keep our 4 readers informed on the breaking developments.
\n", "date": "2025-04-15T19:22:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/tariffs-on-nfl-draft-prospects-spells-disaster/", "image": "/image/article/2025-nfl-draft-tarrifs.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Rory McIlroy wins LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad", "description": "Unfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the \"practice dissident\".", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Salamalekum to McIlroy, and many blessing. Precision, repetition, focus. These are all traits required to saw a member of the press into multiple chunks in a timely manner without leaving much evidence. It just so happens that it is a requirement for professional golfers as well. What luck, as McIlroy's win triggers the unannounced \"prize\". McIlroy has been elevated to the supreme status of dissident dismemberers.
\nUnfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the practice dummy.
\n", "date": "2025-04-13T18:50:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/rory-mcilroy-wins-liv-prize-of-joining-mohammed-bin-salmans-journalist-dismemberment-squad/", "image": "/image/article/mcilroy-bonesaw.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Body of Kobe Bryant still not recovered in Hudson helicopter crash.", "description": "BREAKING: Body of Kobe Bryant still not recovered in Hudson helicopter crash. He was confirmed to never have been on the heliocopter and to have passed away several years ago, so this lines up.", "content": "LOS ANGELES -- Kobe Bryant was confirmed dead years before this crash.
\n", "date": "2025-04-12T11:54:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-body-of-kobe-bryant-still-not-recovered-in-hudson-helicopter-crash/", "image": "/image/article/kobe-hudson.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Devin Booker Refuses To Acknowledge His Serious Case of Ringworm", "description": "BREAKING: Devin Booker has ringworm. And its BAD.", "content": "PHOENIX, Arizona – Rumors coming out of the Phoenix Suns\nlocker room are that star player Devin Booker still has a serious case of ringworm,\nand he continues to hide and deny it.
\nOne of Booker’s teammates, who spoke on condition of\nanonymity, said, “Book shouldn’t be playing. He’s hiding it really well, but it’s\ndefinitely ringworm, and he’s definitely contagious. I think it’s a conspiracy.”
\nWhen 5thQuarterSports asked Booker if the rumors\nwere true, the four-time NBA All Star looked the other way and pretended not to\nhear us. Meanwhile, three-time girlfriend Kendall Jenner became irate and said\nsome very cruel things.
\nBooker and Jenner have been back together for over a month\nnow, and it’s going fine.
\n", "date": "2025-04-09T17:09:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/devin-booker-refuses-to-acknowledge-his-serious-case-of-ringworm/", "image": "/image/article/devin-booker-ringworm.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Top 5 NBA Players Most Likely To Enlist To Fight In Ukraine", "description": "(You'll definitely guess #1)", "content": "5QS HQ, Washington, D.C. – As the American people wrestle with how they should handle the war in Ukraine, a widespread political talking point has been, “well if it’s so important, why don’t you go over there and fight in the war yourself?”
\nAs such an intriguing proposition, it begs the question of which NBA players might commit to fighting on the frontlines of the ongoing conflict. 5th Quarter Sports ran extensive analysis on all 560 active NBA players to determine who was most likely to make such a move.
\nThe research showed that most players were disinclined to pause their careers to go fight in a war on foreign soil; however, a few players showed enough probability to create some uncertainty for their coaches and for the next NBA season.
\nHere are the Top 6 players who scored highest in this study:
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/svi_mykhailiuk_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Utah Jazz
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 12%
\nBeing from Ukraine, one could guess why Svi might be interested in fighting in the war. The issue seemed personal, so 5th Quarter Sports did not ask him about it.
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/ja_morant_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Memphis Grizzlies
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 14%
\nJa Morant absolutely adores guns. He is also overdue for another multi-game suspension for glorifying firearms on social media. This raises the question of what the Grizzlies star point guard will do with his free time during his next suspension.
\nThe War in Ukraine, an active crime against humanity by existing, has likely already gotten Morant’s attention due to its heavy use of guns. Should his entourage suddenly gain a politically vocal member, the two-time NBA All Star may choose to take his talents elsewhere.
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/nikola_jokic_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Denver Nuggets
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 17%
\nThis is one of the most surprising of the bunch. Jokic shows as much indifference to the war in Ukraine as he does to basketball; however, when it comes to love for horses, he scores very high.
\nThe three-time MVP has been open about his admiration of the species, often praising their “underrated” role in the history of warfare. He has been quoted multiple times saying that “horses are the only animals that can smell war.”
\nJokic is known to be extremely fond of his own horses, so the crucial variable is how his horses feel about the war. It all rests on whether Jokic’s love for these beasts will counterbalance the power of his disinterest in Ukraine and basketball combined.
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/alex_len_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Los Angeles Lakers
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 24%
\nAlong with Mykailiuk, Len is the only other Ukrainian player in the league. His hometown of Antratsyt has actually been under Russian control for more like 11 years, but the 2022 invasion probably didn’t help.
\nLen is also a trained gymnast and a very strong swimmer.
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/luka_concic_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Los Angeles Lakers
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 39%
\nBeing from the Balkans, Luka Doncic is eager to fight in a sticky war between Eastern European neighbors. He is the player we are least sure about which side he would fight for.
\nDoncic’s score in this research is also considered to be highly volatile. The equations are strongly influenced by recent actions, so anything Doncic has done lately that might make him look like a backstabbing sellout could temporarily raise his score, even if he usually sells out at a pretty standard rate.
\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/kyrie_irving_2025.png\")
\n \n Team: Dallas Mavericks
\nLikelihood to Enlist: 86%
\nNo surprises here. This could prove to be the most logical next step for Irving’s career, considering his pattern of confusing convictions.
\nThe veteran point guard is probably confident his recent knee injury will not affect how soon he can deploy, and it’s possible he will still return to the NBA after winning the war.
\nThere’s really only two questions for the Mavericks: how will the team handle Irving’s exit, and would this be worse than Luka ditching them for the Lakers?
\n", "date": "2025-03-31T16:45:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/top-5-nba-players-most-likely-to-enlist-to-fight-in-ukraine/", "image": "/image/article/nba-players-in-ukraine-2.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Ben Roethlisberger Says He Avoided A Raven That Was Trying To Be Seen By Him ", "description": "Steelers QB Roethlisberger Stiff-Arms A Dangerous Bird", "content": "BALTIMORE, Maryland – Legendary Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said today that he was successfully able to avoid a raven that was trying to get him to look at it. He claims that the large black bird followed him for some hours as he was walking through a city park and that it appeared to be acting intentionally.
\n“If there’s a raven around and you look when it wants you to, that means you’re going to die soon. So there was no way I was doing that.” said Roethlisberger, who famously played 18 seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers, winning them two Super Bowls before his retirement in 2022.
\nThe former Offensive Rookie of the Year went on to say that the raven, the largest member of the corvid family, was undeniably trying to get his attention because it followed him for an extended period of time and maintained a stream of antagonistic vocalizations.
\n“Those birds are omens of death. Everybody knows that. And it was obviously trying to get me to look. It kept flying to the branch right behind me and making all those weird sounds that ravens make. It had to have been for me- there was no one else around.”
\nThe raven, considered to be a damned soul in German folklore, occasionally flew within Roethlisberger’s peripheral vision, but generally remained behind him throughout the encounter.
\n“I noticed that my back was to the setting sun, so it was casting these long shadows in front of me as it flew from tree to tree. That helped to know when to duck or look away. A few times I saw it out of the corner of my eye a bit, but that doesn’t count.”
\nSimilar encounters with ravens are thought to be common but underreported, which makes sense because the birds are known to be the ghosts of people who were murdered and did not receive Christian burials, as the future hall-of-famer explained to this 5th Quarter Sports reporter who happened to be walking by.
\n“So it’s a good thing I dodged it- you don’t want to mess with these things. People don’t talk about it much, but when Cain killed Abel, a raven told him how to bury the body.”
\n", "date": "2025-03-25T14:28:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/ben-roethlisberger-says-he-avoided-a-raven-that-was-trying-to-be-seen-by-him/", "image": "/image/article/1000004276.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Pete Hegseth Leaks Hand Signals to Bat Boy", "description": "Peter has stuck his foot in it again!", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – In a stunning leak of sensitive information Pete Hegseth accidentally sent the Red Sox’s Bat Bot hand signals, included in deeply disturbing texts of a sexual nature. The game is over.
\n", "date": "2025-03-24T16:05:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/breaking-pete-hegseth-leaks-hand-signals-to-bat-boy/", "image": "/image/article/hegseth.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: ICE Deports Famous Backhairistan Soccer Forward Bolbi Stroganovsky Over Hamas Ties", "description": "Bolbi Stroganovsky: deported because Hamas", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Slap slap slap, clap clap clap. It is a dark day indeed for the glorious nation of Backhairistan. The current political climate in the United States is dire, with ICE raids occurring on innocent legal immigrants and American citizens alike.
\nCaught in the middle: Bolbi Stroganovsky. Once Presidential candidate turned soccer superstar. With is abrupt arrest, signs can only point to a politically motivated disappearance. The justification? Bolbi had like one tweet originating from a Hamas parody account on X, the site formally known as \"Slightly Racist Twitter\". Dark days indeed.
\n", "date": "2025-03-20T18:37:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/breaking-ice-deports-famous-backhairistan-soccer-forward-bolbi-stroganovsky-over-hamas-ties/", "image": "/image/article/bolbi-isis.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "March Sadness: Will the Tar Heels Cure My SAD?", "description": "UNC, and we're not talking about Shannon Sharpe.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – Every damn year the Tar Heels steal my heart but never make it to the alter. This year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones. With the complete and absolute domination over the Aztecs things are looking bright. Will this cure my Seasonal Affective Disorder? Are they the vitamin D shot that my frail body so dearly requires?
\nThey started in a low seed, the lowest that they’ve seen, but with spring showers come may flowers, and that deep seed is going to bloom.
\nDoes North Carolina even have oil fields? Wikipedia says it has something to do with pine tar but I’m not convinced.
\nAlso isn’t UNC something Shannon Sharpe says?
\n", "date": "2025-03-19T17:36:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/march-sadness-will-the-tar-heels-cure-my-sad/", "image": "/image/article/tar-heel-sadness.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Unexpected Collapses of the Week: The Mavericks and the USA", "description": "Who would have guessed?", "content": "AUSTIN, TX -- Welcome to 5thQuarterSport's \"Unexpected Collapse of the Week\" where we take a shallow-dive into some unexpected implosions and hopefully break our necks on\nthe bottom of the pool.
\nFirst up: The Dallas Mavericks. It is truly astonishing. Not only are some of their key players, such as Edwards, unable to play many more games they are also butting up against the salary cap. It is a sight to behold. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a franchise.
\nNext up: the US of A. Rome only lasted ~2 centuries, will the US follow suit? With markets down, deportations up, and bruised egos clashing in the government things are looking bleak for the average American. Expectations of sharp tax increases and vanishing retirement accounts are not a welcome sight. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a country.
\nUntil nextime.
\n", "date": "2025-03-15T18:34:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/unexpected-collapses-of-the-week-the-mavericks-and-the-usa/", "image": "/image/article/nick-mavericks-usa.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "I’m Basically Deebo Samuel? GF Trades me For 5th Boyfriend", "description": "I too have chronic injuries. Deebo and I should have a beer and discuss it.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – It turns out that Deebo Samuel and I have much more in common than he previously thought. Both of us are 29, have chronic injuries, and most recently we’ve both been dropped by our one true loves. It is a difficult world out here in San Francisco.
\nIf I could just digress for a second, is back pain at 29 a real thing? Or were our grandparents just stoic first generation immigrants who realized that complaining would lead to physical abuse by their parents? It is rather difficult to pin down.
\nI will stop my digression. Samuel received 51 passes in the 2024 season. I didn’t even receive 51 kisses from my own mother. Heck I don’t even think I received 51 texts in total that year. He ran for 670 rushing yards. I ran for 0. He scored one Touch Down. I didn’t even touch grass.
\n", "date": "2025-03-01T18:40:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/i-m-basically-deebo-samuel-gf-trades-me-for-5th-boyfriend/", "image": "/image/article/deebo-samuel-trade.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "I have H5N1 At Dave and Busters, Wearing my Jordan 12s, Is This My Flu Game?", "description": "Dave and Buster's should start their own sportsbook.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – The worst part of Dave and Busters: it is nothing like the commercials. My wife isn’t crying in the commercials, my coworker John’s wife isn’t making out with a stranger as he pukes in the bathroom in the commercials. People seem happy in the commercials. They’re smiling, laughing, holding comically tall beers. I’m down $300 dollars, the plastic card’s jagged edge is cutting into my palm as I squeeze it intently as the claw machine fails to grip the PS5 for the 12th attempt in a row.
\nI brought my Jordan 12s to play skee ball. I’m locked in, runny nose, dry cough, the works. I’m hitting the corner pockets. I have backspin. I’m in my happy place. My wife is not.
\nThis throws me back to my days at Chuck E. Cheese. I blame that establishment for my fear of giant animals and animatronics. But I also blame it for my love of slightly burnt pizza and my gambling proclivities. I wonder if they will release a sports book app.
\nI miss the old logo.
\nTime for a bit of NBA Hoops. As I approach the row of rims and nets a group of youths surround me.
\n“If you lose, one of us has to do 25 pushups,” one challenges me.
\nLittle do they know that I’ve been greasing the groove. I brick 12 shots in a row. The little fucker nails nearly all of his. I drop down and bust out a tight 25 in under 2 minutes much to their dismay. Old man still got it.
\nI order a comically large beer. My wife is crying even harder at my Hoops display. I’ve creased my 12s in the pushup contest. This is the worst day of my life.
\n", "date": "2025-03-01T10:44:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/i-have-h5n1-at-dave-and-busters-wearing-my-jordan-12s-is-this-my-flu-game/", "image": "/image/article/nba-hoops.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Trump Resurrects Pete Rose for Baseball HOF Induction", "description": "Welcome to the HOF, zombie Pete Rose.", "content": "SACRAMENTO, CA – In a stunning turn of events President Trump has declared not only does he have the ability to raise the dead, he is also resurrecting Pete Rose for the upcoming HOF induction. This is just in time for lent. The President announced this through both a post on Truth Social, and a screenshot of that posted on Twitter. As social media is the main way that Americans get their latest news updates from the politburo.
\nTrump has derived this arcane power through a pact made with the devil in the early 2000s, and all he had to do was accept a free flight on a luxury private jet.
\n5thQuarterSports has discovered through Ancestry.com palm-greasing that Pete Rose, the player with the most hits in an MLB season, has a direct line of ancestry to Shohei Ohtani’s translator Ippei Mizuhara.
\nWelcome to the HOF, zombie Pete Rose.
\n", "date": "2025-03-01T08:07:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/breaking-trump-resurrects-pete-rose-for-baseball-hof-induction/", "image": "/image/article/pete-rose-sliding.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "DraftKings Partners with Harlem Globetrotters for Betting on Washington Generals Games", "description": "We at 5thQuarterSports highly endorse the normalization of the gambling culture in all forms of media, especially family based.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – DraftKings has made a move that has been met with controversy, partnering with the Harlem Globetrotters to allow for betting on games against the ineffective Washington Generals. This comes hot on the heels of our last article announcing that Refs in the NBA can bet on games. This decision by DraftKings has bettors chomping at the bit for acrobatics, and some even as far as saying “This was a bit that the Simpsons did 20 years ago.”
\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff has no rebuttal to that remark.
\nInclusion of the Globetrotters on the platform has opened the opportunity for same-game parlays. Bets such as “over/under 3 balls pulled back by a string”, “5+ balls being juggled”, and “over under 50 dunks on the Generals” have been featured.
\nWe at 5thQuarterSports highly endorse the normalization of the gambling culture in all forms of media, especially family based. The recent announcement of DraftKings promos on the Disney Channel, WB Kids, and CoComelon are a step in the correct direction for society. We want to bet if Blue's Clues finds the mail, for god sakes. There can’t be consequences to the permeation of this culture. Barstool sports is the pinnacle of society, they’ve partnered with Gerber breast milk to release a 4% infant formula. I don’t even know anymore.
\n", "date": "2025-02-25T19:16:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/draftkings-partners-with-harlem-globetrotters-for-betting-on-washington-generals-games/", "image": "/image/article/globetrotters-draftkings.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Adam Silver Announces That NBA Refs Are Allowed To Bet On Games", "description": "They are D.O.N.E (Department of NBA Efficiency)", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO, California – In a major change of foundational rules, the NBA will now allow league referees to gamble on the outcome of NBA games and playoff series. The rule change was announced in a press release from NBA Commissioner Adam Silver early this morning and is effective immediately.
\nWith this overhaul of league regulations, NBA referees will have no restrictions on monetary wagers and parlays made before and during games, though players and coaches will still be barred from any such betting.
\nAccording to Silver’s statement, referees will not be obligated to disclose their bets, but can if they would like.
\nCalling it a “more honest and modern approach,” the Commissioner explained that the rule change is part of his administration’s effort to reduce inefficiency in the structure and operation of the league.
\n“It’s about streamlining. Our goal is to root out any inefficiencies in how the league functions, and sometimes that involves updating the old rules.”
\nHe also said the Department Of NBA Efficiency (DONE) intends to restructure other aspects of the league’s operation, and that further deregulation inquiries will be led by businessman Mark Cuban. Cuban’s team will review NBA policies and cut unnecessary regulations, while occasionally reporting to Commissioner Silver.
\nWhen Silver was asked why the former rules for referee betting needed to be updated, he responded saying, “lately this just seems to be the vibe.”
\n", "date": "2025-02-24T16:14:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/adam-silver-announces-that-nba-refs-are-allowed-to-bet-on-games/", "image": "/image/article/refs-betting.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Quotes From NBA Players Recently Pardoned For Jan 6th Involvement", "description": "Number 6 will SHOCK you.", "content": "“They should have hanged Mike Pence at the All Star game, would have been more interesting.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
\n“My alibi was that I was too lazy to go.” – Ben Simmons
\n“” – Kobe Bryant
\n“” – Jayson Tatum
\n“Say it again, Chuck, what do they say?” – Shaquille O'Neal
\n“We’re gonna…We’re gonna…We’re gonna find Nancy Peloton” – Charles Barkely
\n“I think you have me confused with the Shamen, we have very similar names. But yes, I was there too.” – Landry Shamet
\n“Don’t shorten my son’s name.” – Steve Kerr
\n", "date": "2025-02-20T16:41:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/quotes-from-nba-players-recently-pardoned-for-jan-6th-involvement/", "image": "/image/article/backetball-j6.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Barstool Sports Banned From White House Press Briefings", "description": "BREAKING: Barstool Sports Banned From White House Press Briefings", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – In a SHOCKING turn of events Barstool Sports has been banned from participating in White House press briefings by the Trump administration. Further, this ban extends the Pizza Review from reviewing the newly installed Brick-Up Oven Pizza window featured at the Washington Monument.
\nThis comes on the heels of a long battle over crypto deregulation waged by Barsool founder and El Presidente, Dave Portnoy, et al. After the tragic fall from grace and subsequent self-immolation from both Hailey Welch's Hawk Tuah coin and former wide-receiver Antonio Browns’ (AB) CTESPN Coin, the Portony endorsed jailcoin has broken through the crypto zeitgeist. It has seemingly transformed itself from a meme coin to a stable coin in a strange twist of events. Subsequently, the push from the Barstool staff for even further deregulation and tax exempt status have left a bitter taste in the mouths of those in Washington.
\nMusk has called the push “Not very based”, favoring his shitcoin DOGE, named after his shadow government agency (Dogshit Obvious Governmental Eradication). That is right, in this version of reality the shitcoin came after the agency. Just roll with it.
\nWhen prompted for a quote from President Trump at the White House by 5thQuarterSports staff, where we have press credentials and front row seats for questions sandwiched between the really sweaty guy from OAN and the other, sweatier guy from Newsmax, he responded with “I literally don’t know where I am right now.”
\nMore in the coming days.
\n", "date": "2025-02-15T15:14:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/breaking-barstool-sports-banned-from-white-house-press-briefings/", "image": "/image/article/white-house-barstool-ban.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Joe Burrow Forced to Come Out as Heterosexual", "description": "In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual.", "content": "Cincinnati, Ohio
\nIn what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual. Back in December of 2024, Mr. Burrow’s residence was allegedly broken into while he was in Texas, playing against the Dallas Cowgirlsboys. It was initially unclear about the circumstances surrounding the break-in, including who reported it to the police. This comes after the NFL warned its players that there have been connections to organized crime syndicates and breaking into players’ homes while they were away.
A few days after the initial report hit the headlines, it was reported that it was indeed Mr. Burrows’ girlfriend at the time, Olivia Holzmacher, had noticed the disturbed residence and called the police to report the crime. Mr. Burrow had declined to comment on the situation before this breakthrough. Mr. Burrow’s love life had long been the speculation of many fans and rumour mills around the NFL. An anonymous source close to Mr. Burrow has revealed to 5th Quarter Sports that he has been deeply troubled about the public finally learning that he was indeed Heterosexual and had lost many nights of sleep over losing his mysterious, Metrosexual vibe.
\nMany Cincinnati Bengals fans seemed very unfazed by the news of their star quarterback having a girlfriend. When asked for a comment, a random Bengals fan walking outside of the stadium after a devastating loss said “Listen, I really could give 2 cans of skyline chili about what he does in the bedroom. I…just…want…to…win.” The fan had a thousand yard stare, the one that your Uncle who fought in Vietnam does from time to time. It was quite disturbing to say the least, but what can you say, poor fellow lives in Ohio.
\nIt is now rumoured that Mr. Burrow has indeed called off his relationship for unknown reasons, but our source says that Mr. Burrow was “deeply troubled” by Ms. Holzmacher actions in “forcing me to come out as Heterosexual.” No one is really sure what is going on or why Mr. Burrow seems to be so disturbed. Ohio needs to be studied for the mental torture its residents endure.
\n", "date": "2025-02-14T14:51:00Z", "author": "Drewski", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/joe-burrow-forced-to-come-out-as-heterosexual/", "image": "/image/article/1000004106.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The 49ers Are Planning To Build A $1.2 Billion Dollar Practice Facility In Hartford, Connecticut", "description": "The 49ers Are Planning To Build A $1.2 Billion Dollar Practice Facility In Hartford, Connecticut", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO, California – The San Francisco 49ers have announced plans to build a brand new practice facility for the team in Hartford, Connecticut, set to open in 2028. Owner Edward J. DeBartolo Jr. unveiled the project yesterday in a press release detailing the plan.
\nEstimated to cost $1.2 billion dollars to build, the new facility will contain all of the necessary equipment for the team’s regular practice sessions and will function in the same way as the team’s primary facility in Santa Clara, California.
\nThe plan originated in October 2024 when DeBartolo called a board meeting and told his associates, “we’re going to build a practice facility in Hartford, Connecticut and it’s going to be up and running by the end of the decade,” said someone close to DeBartolo.
\nThe 49ers original practice facility in Santa Clara will continue to be the team’s main operations center for team practice and individual player training, while this second facility will be considered an additional resource.
\n\n\n\n![\"Inline](\"/image/article/49ers-disinformation-2.png\")
\n \n The parcel of land for the new development is yet to be decided upon, but DeBartolo’s team is closing in on some real estate soon and is already deep in the design phase, said someone very familiar with DeBartolo’s decision-making.
\nSaid 49ers Head Coach Kyle Shanahan, “I’m not entirely sure why the front office wanted to get this new practice facility, but I suppose if we did have a good place to practice over there, it might get used.”
\n", "date": "2025-02-13T05:25:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-49ers-are-planning-to-build-a-1-2-billion-dollar-practice-facility-in-hartford-connecticut/", "image": "/image/article/49ers-disinformation-1.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s Genitals", "description": "You'd never guess which end is which.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – We’ve been told through the grapevine that it is true. The Lombardi trophy is a “self portrait”.
\n", "date": "2025-02-10T18:09:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/rumor-confirmed-lombardi-trophy-a-replica-of-vince-lombardis-genitals/", "image": "/image/article/lombardi-penis-2.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: PSN Outage Revealed as NFL Superbowl View Booster", "description": "Sabatoge to divert attention.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Just when you had seen it all, something new breaks. In the wake of a national boycott against the Superbowl the NFL was in a panic. They needed eyeballs, stat. 5thQuarterSports has received several leaked memos which detail the plan.
\nThe first of which was to put Drake front and center on the Superbowl sidelines. This was debated internally for the last few days and deemed too hazardous, given the recent US/Canada tensions.
\nNext up was not rigging the results. However, as with all Superbowls, that is off the table. Rigging is tradition and nearly contractually required on the secret owner's agreements.
\nSo it came down to hacking and disabling the PSN network. Legions of gamers, having to emerge from their mother's basements with nothing better to do, would munch snacks with their family and consume as they were destined to.
\nWe shall see if Sony can recover their system from this massive breach. Only time will tell.
\n", "date": "2025-02-08T17:56:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/breaking-psn-outage-revealed-as-nfl-superbowl-view-booster/", "image": "/image/article/nfl-psn-combo.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Kraft: “I see alot of myself in him”, eyes Justin Tucker for Pats", "description": "Birds of a feather.", "content": "Birds of a feather.
\n", "date": "2025-02-08T12:12:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/kraft-i-see-alot-of-myself-in-him-eyes-justin-tucker-for-pats-3/", "image": "/image/article/kraft-tucker-2.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Musk’s DOGE Dept to Slash Patriots’ Cap Space", "description": "Musk puts Patriots under DOGE scrutiny, $120M 2025 cap space \"totally not based\".", "content": "WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump’s reformed DOGE department has shaken Washington to its core. Headed by famously erratic billionaire Elon Musk, its sole goal is cutting what it deems to be wasteful government spending. From USAID to the Bureau of Consumer Protection, the slashes to the budget and staffing have been immediate and wide-sweeping. Next on the list: the Patriots’ cap space.
\nMusk took to X (née Twitter) late last night on an hours long rant, writing that a cap space of $120M for 2025 for the Patriots is egregious, insane, and “totally not based”. He has injected his team of seasoned, experienced 16-25 year old agents deep into the Patriots’ front office Excel documents, extracting players’ personal information along the way.
\nWhat does he claim is a better source of spend? Well, that depends. Talent retention, stronger retail presence, and a more capable coaching staff are all suggestions. He has lovingly referred to this as “CapX”, at the cringing of seasoned GAAP experts.
\nRobert Kraft emerged from a strip-mall med-spa to give 5thQuarterSports an exclusive quote, “Where am I?”
\nWhile Musk’s tactics are uncouth and potentially immoral, we’re curious to see what direction this takes the newly suffering Pats. Will this be the total collapse of the organization, or like a phoenix will it rise from its former self?
\n", "date": "2025-02-08T07:18:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/musks-doge-dept-to-slash-patriots-cap-space/", "image": "/image/article/doge-pats.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Zion Williamson Opens Up About Lack Of Motivation: \"AI is just gonna take all our jobs\"", "description": "Zion's identity struggles continue.", "content": "NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – The New Orleans Pelicans struggled in yet another away game Wednesday night as they fell to the Denver Nuggets 144-119, dropping the team to 12-39 and 4-21 on the road.
\nWith the Pelicans firmly out of playoff contention, questions continue to circulate about Zion Williamson’s performance and whether the starting Power Forward is committed to his physical conditioning and working through injuries.
\n5thQuarterSports sat down with Williamson after Wednesday’s game to discuss the rumors.
\nWhen asked point blank if he is lacking motivation, the two-time all-star admitted that he has been feeling apathetic and disillusioned, largely because of his view that AI and automation are replacing labor previously performed by human employees.
\n“I mean, AI is just gonna take all our jobs, right? Like, it’s already happening, right? It’s hard to feel excited about improving my game all the time when that’s just something that’s gonna happen.”
\nAsked to clarify, he went on:
\n“You know what I’m talking about. What happens when a computer can do everything that a human can do, but better? I’m talking any job. Our economy is seriously changing, and we’re all about to be unemployed.”
\nWilliamson missed 27 games early this season due to a left hamstring strain, one of many injuries over the course of his career. He made his return on January 7 in a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves that the Pelicans ultimately lost 104-97, despite a strong effort from the 24 year old.
\nDuring this latest injury, commentators and social media posts once again buzzed with allegations that Williamson is regularly eating unhealthily and slacking on his workouts, ultimately impacting his performance. Nearly a month after his return, I ask how he’s feeling post-injury.
\n“It’s been really nice to be back playing again. I always want to be out there with our guys, of course. But even when that’s keeping me busy, I still just feel all stressed out about what’s gonna happen down the road. I mean, there’s a lot of jobs already disappearing because of AI and automation, and like, there’s a lot of people out there who had a skill, you know? But then their job got replaced with a f------ robot, and man, that’s their money right there, that’s their livelihood.”
\nZion leans forward on the couch and pulls out his phone. He starts scrolling around the Doordash app, elbows on his knees and head in his hand.
\n“And I feel like no industry is safe, not even mine. I mean, like, a lot of that stuff is gonna happen soon, like during my career, maybe during my prime. You see how that makes it kinda hard to really give your full effort day in and day out?”
\nI bring up the emphatic 360 windmill dunk Williamson showed off in the third quarter of his return game and ask what he was feeling in that moment.
\n“Just excited, you know? I mean I get stoked coming back after an injury, cause, well, I think about it a lot when I’m injured, you know? Cause that’s when there’s nothing to do but just sit around and wait, and just, I don’t know, think.”
\nThe former ACC Athlete of the Year laughs a little, shaking his head.
\n“And I’ve spent a lot of time being injured during my career, I know that. S---, a lot of medical attention has gone into my body. And that’s when I’m faced with it the most often, too, cause like, these doctors use so many computers and insane technology when they’re helping us recover, it’s crazy. And like, I feel like every time I’m in the doctor’s office, there’s less doctors and nurses, and more computers and machines around. I don’t know.”
\nZion turns off his phone but continues his unfocused stare at the blank screen.
\n“The heart transplant was a big one,” he says.
\n“You know, I didn’t think much going into it, but afterward I was just like, man, they replaced my heart with like, this little robot machine, and then while they were at it they went ahead and switched out my pancreas with like a computer chip. I mean, it’s a lot to think about. It changes your perspective.”
\nI ask Williamson to elaborate and he sets his phone aside, still leaning forward on the couch. His voice is quiet and thoughtful, and I can tell he’s being earnest.
\n“It’s just like, with all the pistons and gears where there used to be muscles, and all the microchip processors, just all the work we’ve done to my body- it’s just a lot. And you’d think that would make everything good, like I’m lucky, but nah, it kinda adds to it all. It makes it hard keeping my head in the game.”
\nZion looks up at me, and I can see a longing in his expression.
\n“As I become more machine than man, what will I become as a player, and as a person? At what point do I cease to be Zion? Why are we even here- like, what are we meant to do? This whole technological transition that we’re in, I mean, I feel like I’m part of it. And our technology is so incredibly useful, like, it can do so much for us. But, you know, that’s gonna mean some major changes- for everyone. And change is… complicated, I guess. My transformation definitely makes it be something that’s more on my mind, personally.”
\nWith a heartfelt sigh, he picks up his phone and begins scrolling through Doordash again.
\n“So yeah, I’ve been a little distracted. But I’m gonna keep giving it my all every game, and I think we can still turn this season around.”
\n", "date": "2025-02-06T18:17:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/zion-williamson-opens-up-about-lack-of-motivation-ai-is-just-gonna-take-all-our-jobs/", "image": "/image/article/zion.jpeg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Dumbest Trade in NBA History: The Mavericks Just Gave Away Luka Dončić for Half Pack of Smokes, and a Used 2013 Ford Fiesta ", "description": "There are bad trades, and then there’s whatever the hell the Dallas Mavericks just did. ", "content": "There are bad trades, and then there’s whatever the hell the Dallas Mavericks just did.
\nIn a move that makes you question if Mark Cuban was hypnotized by LeBron James over Zoom, the Mavericks have traded Luka Freaking Dončić to the Los Angeles Lakers in exchange for Anthony \"My Body is Made of Glass\" Davis, Max Christie (who?), and a 2029 first-round pick that will probably turn into an AI-generated player from NBA 2K30.
\nThis isn’t just bad—it’s historically dumb. Like, “Investing your life savings in Hoc Tuah Coin and buying the dip” level dumb. I haven't seen a bigger ripoff since the Fushigi. Rest in peace David Stern cause he would have certainly Vetoed this trade Let’s break down why this is quite possibly the most brain-dead trade of all time.
\nLuka Dončić isn’t just good—he’s a generational talent. This man walked into the NBA as a teenager and started handing out 30-point triple-doubles like Oprah giving away cars. He was the future of the Mavericks, the heart of the team, and the one guy keeping Dallas relevant in a Western Conference full of juggernauts.
\nHe’s 25. Twenty-five. You don’t trade a 25-year-old superstar unless he personally requests to be sent to space. But instead of building around Luka, the Mavericks have effectively said,
\n\"You know what? We’d rather build around a guy whose bones sound like bubble wrap every time he lands after a dunk.\"
Based on age and skill I would have thought the only NBA assets more tradeable than Luka were Jokic, Wemby, and maybe Jason Tatum. Glass Bones Anthony Davis wouldn't even sniff the top ten on my list.
\nLook, Anthony Davis is incredibly talented. When he’s healthy, he’s one of the best big men in the league. But that’s like saying that that my Wifes Boyfriend is great, except for when he makes me sleep on the couch.
\nDavis hasn’t played a full season since Blockbuster was still in business. Every time he falls to the ground, fans hold their breath like they just watched someone drop their iPhone face-first on the concrete. The only thing more fragile than AD’s knees is the Mavericks’ championship hopes after this trade.
\nThey swapped a durable, young, MVP-caliber superstar for a guy whose best ability is “he the 4th best Center in the league, when available.” Make it make sense.
\nDallas didn’t just trade Luka for AD straight up (which would have been bad enough). Oh no, they also graciously accepted Max Christie (congrats, you got a role player!) and a 2029 first-round pick.
\n2029. By the time this pick conveys, we might have robot referees, a four-point line, and Bronny James the third might be in the league.
\nBy then, the Mavericks could be rebuilding from this disaster of a trade with a middle aged Davis, wondering why they ever thought it was a good idea to swap a once-in-a-lifetime player for **a first-round pick that isn’t even out of middle school yet. Not to mention Luka will only be 30 so you cant even assume that the Lakers will be bad by then.
\nMavericks fans have been through it. They had to endure the Kristaps Porziņģis \"Unicorn\" experiment (spoiler: it sucked), and now, after FINALLY getting a legitimate superstar, they just yeeted him away like a bad fantasy basketball trade.
\nDallas should have been building a dynasty around Luka. Instead, they’ve built a retirement home for injury-prone big men. What’s next? Signing Derrick Rose and Greg Oden just to complete the collection?
\nThe Lakers have a long history of absolutely robbing teams in trades, and this might be their greatest heist yet. They just got Luka Dončić—the future of basketball—in exchange for a player they were probably ready to trade for a ham sandwich.
\nThis trade will go down as one of the worst in NBA history. Years from now, when Luka is winning rings in Los Angeles and the Mavericks are picking 12th in the draft wondering what went wrong, fans will look back at this moment and scream into the void.
\nCongratulations, Dallas. You just made the worst trade of all time.
\n", "date": "2025-02-02T09:49:00Z", "author": "Danny Dimes", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-dumbest-trade-in-nba-history-the-mavericks-just-gave-away-luka-doncic-for-half-pack-of-smokes-and-a-used-2013-ford-fiesta/", "image": "/image/article/mavs-fans-right-now.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Gano: Leads Giants in Points and Kickers in Ethics", "description": "Whats up with kickers recently?", "content": "AUSTIN, TX – It’s a low bar, but he's clearing it. We assume that Gano will soon lead Sensitivity and Harassment seminars for the rest of the NFL’s kickers at this rate. There have been unofficial talks to trade Gano to the NFL’s HR team. It’s been a rough two years for kickers in the NFL, traditionally the paragons of virtue and class. With Butker’s remarks and Tucker’s actions, pure unsullied reputation needs to lead the charge against moral corruption. Gano embodies the old-guard, and attempts to bring back the high moral fiber.
\nOne thing that we pray for is that this doesn’t become a story on /r/AgedLikeMilk. Stay strong, Gano, our reputation is counting on it.
\n", "date": "2025-02-01T10:12:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/gano-leads-giants-in-points-and-kickers-in-ethics/", "image": "/image/article/gano-ethics.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”", "description": "Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”", "content": "SAN ANTONIO, Texas – With the February 6 trade deadline rapidly approaching, San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich revealed in a recent press conference an interest in trading Spurs starting center Victor Wembanyama, a highly sought-after young talent in the league.
\nIn his typical frankness, Popovich explained, “we’re open to trading for draft picks, and of course we would need another big man to fill out the 5 spot, but I wouldn’t even consider a trade unless there is a first-generation holographic Blastoise PSA 8 or higher on the table.”
\nReporters pressed further, asking if Popovich would consider multiple other high-value cards in lieu of the extremely rare Blastoise.
\n“Not a chance in hell,” he replied. “Wembanyama is the greatest NBA prospect in a generation, and I wouldn’t give him up for any less than he’s worth.”
\nThe three-time Coach of the Year cut off a follow up question saying, “look, I’ve been very clear on this. Blastoise. PSA 8 or higher. Gold border. Holographic. Mint condition. Doesn’t have to still be in the box, but no fingerprints. I don’t want to hear about any PSA 10 Charizards, and I’m not going to waste any more time discussing it.”
\nWith many teams entering final talks for their player trades, the sudden availability of Wembanyama, last season’s number one overall draft pick, is sure to have some coaches reshuffling their decks.
\nIn other trade news, Lebron James announced his interest in trading Lakers head coach JJ Redick for a reliable Poliwhirl.
\n", "date": "2025-01-27T15:20:00Z", "author": "Nathan Graves", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/popovich-any-trade-for-wembanyama-must-include-mint-condition-holographic-blastoise/", "image": "/image/article/popovich.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "America Groans as Chiefs and Eagles Return to the Super Bowl for 2025", "description": "Another Eagles/Chiefs Super Bowl matchup has fans calling for DEI policies in the playoffs.", "content": "In a development that has united the nation in collective dread, the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles have once again secured spots in the Super Bowl, marking what analysts and fans alike are calling \"the worst possible outcome for America.\"
\n“It’s like a rerun of a show you hated the first time,” groaned Karen Williams, a disgruntled football fan from Ohio. “Can’t we just cancel this season and start over?”
\nFor the third time in recent memory, the Chiefs, led by quarterback Patrick Mahomes and his seemingly endless supply of State Farm commercials, will face off against the Eagles, whose fans are already sharpening their vocal cords for a symphony of booing and cheese-throwing.
\n“Look, I respect Mahomes as much as anyone,” said Jerry Thompson, a die-hard Buffalo Bills fan. “But at this point, I’d rather see a Super Bowl starring two teams randomly drawn from a hat than another Chiefs-Eagles matchup.”
\nEven casual observers have grown weary of the predictable storyline. “It’s like Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray, we’re stuck with Travis Kelce doing TikTok dances and Jason Kelce eating hoagies on camera,” lamented Samantha Green, a teacher from Seattle.
\nThe unrelenting dominance of the Chiefs and Eagles has sparked a grassroots movement among NFL fans demanding the implementation of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies for playoff representation.
\n“Football is supposed to bring people together,” argued Carla Jenkins, a Vikings fan who hasn’t seen her team win a Super Bowl in its entire existence. “Instead, it’s become a playground for the same two teams. We need playoff equity!”
\nProposals include implementing a lottery system to determine playoff seeding, instituting a mandatory two-year \"Super Bowl ban\" for repeat contenders, and adding an \"underdog clause\" allowing teams like the Lions or Jets a free pass to the big game.\n“Call it affirmative action for the gridiron,” joked Roger Stevens, a disillusioned Patriots fan. “I mean, Mahomes has enough rings already. Share the wealth!”
\nAdding insult to injury, early leaks of the Super Bowl commercial lineup suggest another avalanche of Mahomes’ appearances. \"It's not just the game; it's the entire spectacle,\" said marketing expert Carla Lopez. \"He's selling sneakers, insurance, ketchup… by halftime, he’ll probably be pitching solar panels and moon vacations.\"
\nMeanwhile, Eagles fans have responded with their trademark lack of chill. Reports have already surfaced of fans climbing greased poles in Philadelphia—and the game is still two weeks away.\n“They say it’s tradition,” said one exasperated city worker. “But we’re running out of Crisco. At this rate, we’ll have to start buttering these things.”
\nAs the nation braces for the showdown, conspiracy theories about the NFL’s playoff mechanics are flourishing.
\n“You’re telling me the Bills and 49ers didn’t make it?” demanded Twitter user @GridironTruthers420. “The league is clearly rigged for the Kelsces and their podcast empire. Wake up, sheeple!”\nWhat’s Next? A League-Wide Rebellion?
\nFans of other teams are reportedly considering drastic measures to prevent future repeats. Among the ideas gaining traction: forcing the NFL to adopt a \"Super Bowl quota system,\" banning any team from appearing more than twice in five years.
\n“I’m not saying we should throw the Lombardi Trophy into the ocean if the Chiefs win again,” said die-hard Jets fan Larry Brown. “But I’m not not saying it either.”
\nDespite the national groaning, some optimists insist there’s a silver lining. “Maybe it’ll be a good game,” said Linda Carter, a Saints fan who clearly doesn’t know how to read the room.
\nAs for the rest of us, we’ll just be here, preparing our snacks and our groans, bracing for a Super Bowl that’s less about football and more about surviving yet another Chiefs-Eagles saga. Pass the Crisco—we’re gonna need it.
\n", "date": "2025-01-27T09:25:00Z", "author": "Lane: The Bro", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/america-groans-as-chiefs-and-eagles-return-to-the-super-bowl-2025-ah/", "image": "/image/article/nfl_sb-chiefs-eagles_16x9_3.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver", "description": "The #NBA took Jokić. It's not personal, it’s a blood feud.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – Arguably the NBA would suck complete ass without the talent they’ve stolen from the EuroLeague. Adam Silver is on Vince McMahon levels of prospect sucking during the Territories Era, taking well-developed players into his league. A league which is already on life support. It is downright shameful.
\nThis will all end soon, and the tables will turn. President Trump will make an incorrect move, and have economic sanctions placed on the US by the EU. The upper-hand will truly be gained by those in the old-country when US imports of their players are stemmed. Then comes the turnaround.
\nTalks that half of the King’s starting lineup are considering a European tour are underway. De'Aaron Fox, after having lost his right hand in a battle with his father Darth Vader, has been eyeing every opportunity for an out. Justin Hurder’s lilly skin, continually burnt by the hot Sacramento sun, yearns for the overcast of the Nordic countries. And Sabonis misses his mother.
\nWe at 5thQuarterSports support the eventual crumble and demise of the NBA organization, and the lack of intercontinental expansion is just one step forward in its untimely demise.
\n", "date": "2025-01-25T08:14:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/euroleague-dunks-on-nba-partnership-not-worth-silver/", "image": "/image/article/crying-silver.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Raiders Hire Pete Carroll After Tom Coughlin Declines with \"Go Find Youth\" Zinger", "description": "#Raiders Hire Pete Carol After Tom Coughlin Refused", "content": "Las Vegas, NV – The Las Vegas Raiders have officially hired Pete Carroll as their new head coach, but not before being turned down by former coaching legend Tom Coughlin, who reportedly advised the team to \"go find youth\" before hanging up the phone.\nThe Raiders, known for their unconventional decision-making and questionable draft picks, were all set to bring Coughlin, 78, out of retirement. That plan fell apart when Coughlin politely declined, adding, \"I’m old, but even I know this team needs some youthful energy. Maybe someone who’s not thinking about their bedtime during the fourth quarter.\"
\nRaiders owner Mark Davis addressed the situation in a press conference Thursday, saying, \"We thought Tom was a great fit for our organization. Turns out, he thought we’d be a better fit for, uh, literally anyone under 70.\"
\nLeft scrambling, the Raiders pivoted to Pete Carroll, who, at 73, represents the youthful vigor the team was desperately seeking. \"Pete’s young at heart,\" said Davis. \"Sure, he’s been coaching since before color television, but the guy still chews gum like a teenager at a detention hall. That’s the kind of energy we need.\"
\nCarroll, who recently parted ways with the Seattle Seahawks, accepted the Raiders’ offer after what insiders are calling \"an intense negotiation process.\" Sources say Carroll initially hesitated but was ultimately won over by Davis’ promise of unlimited Las Vegas buffet vouchers and a lifetime supply of Doublemint gum.
\n\"I wasn’t sure at first,\" Carroll admitted during his introductory press conference. \"But then Mark said something about building a dynasty. I’m pretty sure he meant a dynasty of wins, but honestly, with the Raiders, who knows? Either way, I’m in.\"
\nCoughlin’s comment about \"finding youth\" has since gone viral, sparking a wave of memes on social media. One popular post shows Davis Googling \"young coaches\" only to find a picture of Carroll wearing a backwards cap. Another depicts Coughlin handing Davis a mirror with the caption, \"Here’s your youth problem.\"
\nRaiders GM Dave Ziegler weighed in on the decision to hire Carroll. \"Look, Pete brings experience, enthusiasm, and, most importantly, he was available. We’re confident he’ll bring a fresh perspective—or at least fresher than Tom’s.\"
\nCritics have questioned the Raiders’ approach to hiring older coaches, with one ESPN analyst pointing out, \"If the Raiders are serious about finding youth, maybe stop using AARP’s newsletter as your headhunting resource.\"
\nCarroll, however, seems unfazed by the chatter. \"Age is just a number,\" he said with a grin. \"Unless that number’s your win-loss record. Then it’s a big deal.\"
\nAs for Coughlin, he has reportedly turned down several other NFL teams with similar advice. One anonymous league executive revealed, \"Tom told us to hire someone who doesn’t remember dial-up internet. Brutal, but fair.\"
\nThe Raiders’ first game under Carroll will be a preseason showdown against the Los Angeles Rams. When asked how he plans to prepare, Carroll replied, \"First step: find my whistle. Second step: figure out how to coach in a city where slot machines outnumber people.\"
\nOnly time will tell if the Raiders made the right choice, but one thing’s for sure—their coaching search will be remembered as a masterclass in chaos. Or maybe just a cautionary tale.
\nStay tuned, because if this is the offseason, the regular season is going to be an absolute circus.
\n", "date": "2025-01-24T14:40:00Z", "author": "Lane: The Bro", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/raiders-hire-pete-carroll-after-tom-coughlin-declines-with-go-find-youth-zinger/", "image": "/image/article/pete-carroll-tom-coughlin.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Do NFL Coaches Need An Age Limit?", "description": "You must be this young to coach an #NFL team. Roger Goodell we, we beg you, the NFL needs term limits before Congress.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – Andy Reid. Pete Carroll. Johnny and Jimmy Harbaugh. All of these great men have that essence of Grandfather wafting off of them. We stan Belichick for taking himself out behind the shed while he still had a chance. Thankfully he chose a different, but much less humane, braining.
\nIf you can’t even complete a 440 then maybe retirement should be considered and an injection of new blood brought in. This is why we’re strong Mike McDaniel supports. His light jogs across the field give us HOPE. He is a SPRY 41 years old.
\n", "date": "2025-01-24T11:10:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/do-nfl-coaches-need-an-age-limit/", "image": "/image/article/old_coaches.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Athletics Rename: Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges", "description": "The I Street Bridge has always deserved this.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – The West Sacramento Athletics have announced they are renaming the team to the Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges. While we both hate that movie and would like to call out that the Athletics currently play out of WEST Sacramento, we approve of this name change. The I Street bridge is an iconic monument of the city.
\nRaley's Field (get rekt Sutter), also plans to make some changes. First on the list, they’re replacing the outfield grass with sharp crushed boulders. This is predicted to drive up sales by Little League teams immensely. The Dinger dog is also being renamed to the Extinct Delta Fry Meat Tubes.
\nWhile these exciting changes are incoming, let's not forget the best news of all, the complete demolition of the Oakland Coliseum. Those bleachers gave me sciatica, and I’ve only visited twice. While I did buy a nice $2 warm Coors Light on that concrete bridge approaching the Coliseum, I can’t say that I will be all that torn up about it.
\n", "date": "2025-01-23T10:11:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/athletics-rename-sacramento-lady-bird-bridges/", "image": "/image/article/tower_bridge_as.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Chargers gonna charge! (under new conditions)", "description": "Bolting up is now EU compliant. ", "content": "The Chargers are gonna continue to charge, it just may look a bit different next year, In a shocking decision the European Union has officially mandated that the LA Chargers must update their \"charging\" capabilities to accommodate USB-C charging.
\nThe Chargers, are notoriously known for their ability to “Charge” on the field after hopeful yet fizzled performances, most recently with QB Justin Herbert throwing 4 interceptions in the recent AFC Wild Card game that they were heavily favored in. They have now found themselves in a pickle as they hope to continue the tradition but will need to update their equipment to do so!
\nIn a press conference that no one asked for, EU spokesperson Helga Voltage announced, “We believe in universal standards. If Apple can do it, so can the Chargers! It’s 2025, and we won’t stand for outdated plugs. USB-C is the future, and so should the LA Chargers!”\nIn a bold response to this ridiculous demand, Chargers’ head coach Jim Harbaugh in a typical nonsensical rant said,“I think that's just a lot of gobble, gobble turkey. Just gobble, gobble, gobble turkey from jive turkey gobblers. I think that paints a pretty good picture.” We’ve been kind of down on getting turnovers and sometimes things just kind of start breaking right for you. Kind of like the olive jar.“We’re always looking for ways to improve our game. I mean, if USB-C can help us hang onto a fourth-quarter lead, I’m all in!” “I'm like a pig in slop. Loving it!!!”
\nLocal electricians have quickly jumped on the bandwagon, offering discounted services to install USB-C ports in the Chargers’ home stadium. “It’s like putting a new battery in an old toaster,\" explained master electrician Spark Plug. \"You just plug it in, and hope for the best!”
\nChargers fans are reportedly thrilled about the impending updates. “Finally, I can charge my phone while waiting for the team to charge down the field,” quipped long-time fan and charger enthusiast, Ginger Boy Kyle. “Who needs a fourth down when you’ve got quick-charging capabilities?” “Im gonna BOLT THE FUCK UP!!!
\nAs the Chargers gear up for the biggest technological upgrade of the decade, the world watches with bated breath and fully-charged devices. One thing’s for certain: if there’s anything we’ve learned from this absurd chain of events, it’s that the Chargers may finally become the ones who deliver “power” — both on and off the field.\nAnd who knows? With all that extra juice, they might just might win a playoff game or even a super bow! CIKE!!!!!
\n", "date": "2025-01-20T09:26:00Z", "author": "Danny Dimes", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/chargers-gonna-charge-under-new-conditions/", "image": "/image/article/charge-up.png", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "COLD TAKE: Stafford Will Cook The Birds In The Snow", "description": "Stafford has 4/3 carrer wins against the #Eagles but is 0/2 as QB for the #Rams. ", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO – It is going to be a freezing day in Philly for tonight’s Rams and Eagles game, luckily Stafford packed his BBQ. He is not unfamiliar with cold weather. Born in Tampa Florida on Feb 7th, 1988 on a balmy 45 degree morning. He was basically christened in Florida’s equivalent of a fresh snowy morning.
\nHowever, while Stafford is up with 4/3 career wins against the Eagles, he is down 0/2 against them as QB for the Rams. These two losses? Home games. This snow is going to melt from the heat of this fired up LA team.
\n", "date": "2025-01-19T08:56:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/cold-take-stafford-will-cook-the-birds-in-the-snow/", "image": "/image/article/stafford-ears-2.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "MAKE AMERICA GREAT (at Hockey) Again!!!!", "description": "US to Annex Canada!!!", "content": "President Donald Trump has hatched a genius plan to make America the king of Olympic hockey: annex Canada. Forget trade deals, borders, Seline Dion, and Justin Beiber—this is about pucks, sticks, gold medals, and kicking Russia’s ass!!\n“Canada’s been hoarding all the hockey talent,” Trump told a cheering crowd. “Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid—they should be playing for us! We’re bringing hockey greatness to America not seen since the mighty ducks! Its gonna be HUGE!\"
\nThe plan is simple: absorb Canada and instantly inherit their hockey superstars, coaches, and Zambonis. No longer will the US be the little brother on the ice. Trump and his advisors call it \"the Louisiana Purchase of sports.\" “Never has there been a deal as good as this, their calling it the best deal ever made, Even Tim Hortons comes as a bonus—because what’s a game without donuts?
\nWith Canada’s nine Olympic hockey golds in the mix, Team USA would be unbeatable. “We’d score so many goals, they’d have to rename it the Trump Cup,” he boasted, waving a puck he insists was signed by his friend hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.
\nCanadians are torn between horror and hysterics. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Meanwhile, fans have taken to the streets—politely—with signs like “Keep Your Mitts Off Our Pucks.” \"Go Kick Rocks! you Hoser!!\"
\nDespite skepticism, Trump remains confident. “When we win that gold, the world will say: America first, Canada… also America.” Whether it’s brilliance or bluster, one thing’s clear: this plan has hockey fans on both sides of the border laughing—and scratching their heads.
\n", "date": "2025-01-09T08:27:00Z", "author": "Danny Dimes", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/make-america-great-at-hockey-again/", "image": "/image/article/trump-staring-canada.jpg", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "McVay: We Replaced Matt Stafford With AI And It's Working", "description": "The Rams now parterned with OpenAI and AWS.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- We've written, again, and yet again about how Stafford is the GOAT, empirically. Unfortunately it seems that noone's job is safe from automation, especially in a city that is constantly in the shadow of Bay Area innovation.
\nRam's ownership have announced that Stafford was replaced by artificial intelligence, some kind of El El Em. The most unfortunate part is that is seems to be the correct play. While the Ram's standings isn't all that great in the season, the AI is certainly doing a better job than the organic sack of meat ever could have sadly.
\nThe technology appears to function quite simply, although there is a fair amount of complexity under the hood. Here is the example that the 5thQuarter staff was given. At the beginning of the Cardinal's game on the 5th, Seam McVay whispered into Stafford's ear,
\n\"Hi, what plays do you think we should make against the Cardinals?\"
\nAnd AI Stafford replied with:
\n\"Hello! Happy to help! Sadly we've hit capacity, please try again in a few minutes.\"
\nAfter waiting 10 minutes to be safe they burned their quota for the day asking for methods to perfectly pan sear salmon and had to make another account.
\nAfter re-logging in they extracted the plays necessary and won the game. Pretty crazy stuff.
\n", "date": "2025-01-07T08:13:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/mcvay-we-replaced-matt-stafford-with-ai-and-its-working/", "image": "/image/article/matt-stafford-ai.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Tom Brady Retires From Color Commentator. Next Role: Blathering Grandfather", "description": "Next on his schedule: yelling at pigeons at the park about play-action passes.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- Whenever I turn my television on to watch gridiron its as though I'm making a call to an elderly person who is talking about the sock hops and soda fountains of yesteryear. Except is the deep intonations of vocal chords soothed by Boxtox brand botulinum. The seemingly deep yet actually shallow quarter-back based insights that TEPBJ gives are as useful as an aging father telling his 35 year old virgin son to just \"go and talk to that cute girl over there\", where the cute girl is really a hardily disguised prostitute. Except in this scenario it is a former high school star quarter back nodding off after the 7th PBR on a Thursday afternoon, with the occasional grunt of agreement to TEPBJ's nuggets of wisdom relating to \"...never seeing a pocket more open outside of that time I dropped a fresh-out-the-microwave Pepperoni-flavored HOT POCKET brand snack on the floor.\" We see these thinly veiled Nestle product placements for what they are, TEPBJ, and we are disappointed in you.
\nFor an instant I thought we'd see some form of the inner TEPBJ during the roast. Possible cracks would form in the semi-plastic exterior and some of that dim inner light would shine through. Alas, how mistaken we were. My hopes forever dashed when it was revealed you were hitting a water between every tequila soda.
\nBesides the point, we are fully supportive and quite frankly excited for TEPBJ's departure from behind the camera. He has a full schedule in-front of him: telling the H1H5 infested pigeons at the park about play-action passes, telling pre-teen girls walking by about faking to the outside, and yelling about how others need to learn how to speak the language if they're gonna live here. We salute you Tom.
\n", "date": "2025-01-04T14:31:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/tom-brady-retires-from-color-commentator-next-role-blathering-grandfather/", "image": "/image/article/tom-brady-young.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Doug Christie Whips Kings into Shape, Threatens 'Rick Fox Treatment'", "description": "Kings only two games back from Play-in after Doug Christie threatens players with an ass-whoopin", "content": "The Sacramento Kings have been on a rollercoaster this season, recently dumping head coach Mike Brown after a five-game losing streak that left them with a 13-18 record. Stepping into the interim head coach role is none other than Kings legend Doug Christie, known for his defensive prowess and no-nonsense attitude during his playing days.
\nSince taking the reins, Christie has led the Kings to three consecutive victories, including a thrilling 138-133 win over the Memphis Grizzlies. His secret? A blend of old-school discipline and a not-so-subtle reminder of his infamous altercation with Rick Fox back in 2002.
\nDuring a recent practice, Christie reportedly told the team, \"If y'all don't start hustling, you're getting the Rick Fox treatment.\" For the uninitiated, this refers to the on-court scuffle where Christie and Fox exchanged punches, a moment that has since become legendary among Kings fans.
\n\"Doug doesn't just want effort; he demands it,\" said guard Malik Monk, who scored 31 points in the recent win against the Grizzlies. \"The other day, I missed a defensive rotation, and he just gave me that Doug Christie glare. I immediately ran sprints—he didn't even have to say anything.\"
\n## Implementing the 'Rick Fox Drill'
\nChristie has introduced a new training exercise dubbed the \"Rick Fox Drill.\" Players simulate high-pressure defensive scenarios with Christie himself playing the role of the opponent. If they fail to keep up, they receive a light tap on the chest. \"It's not a real hit,\" said forward Keegan Murray, \"but you feel it in your soul.\"
\nDomantas Sabonis, who contributed 17 points and 10 rebounds in the win over Memphis, commented on the intensity. \"I thought I was ready for anything, but Doug is on another level. The man still moves like he's in his prime. I'd rather take a hard screen from Draymond than disappoint Doug.\"
\nSince Christie's takeover, the Kings have shown increased hustle and defensive intensity. De'Aaron Fox, who scored 23 points against the Grizzlies, noted, \"I was fast before, but after Doug started shouting about Rick Fox, I think I hit another gear.\"
\nDoug Christie may be employing unconventional motivational tactics, but the results speak for themselves. The Kings are playing with a vigor not seen in years, and the threat of the \"Rick Fox treatment\" seems to be keeping everyone on their toes.
\nAs the Kings prepare to face the Golden State Warriors on January 5th, fans are hopeful that Christie's tough love will continue to translate into wins. And if the team keeps this up, perhaps a playoff berth isn't just a dream but a looming reality.
\n", "date": "2025-01-04T13:57:00Z", "author": "Lane: The Bro", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/doug-christie-whips-kings-into-shape-threatens-rick-fox-treatment/", "image": "/image/article/rick-fox-treatment.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Bench Clearer: My Wife Cucked Me With The Entire Rivercats MiLB Team", "description": "She made me sit in the bullpen, too.", "content": "This is the worst day of my life since the Ladybird movie.
\nIt hurts on a visceral level.
\nI mean how do you even get an entire team to agree to this? Even Dinger stepped in to slap a few.
\nDark days.
\n", "date": "2025-01-03T14:51:00Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/bench-clearer-my-wife-cucked-me-with-the-entire-rivercats-milb-team/", "image": "/image/article/river-cats.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "MLB Forced to Switch Jersey Manufacturer After Sweatshop Raided in China", "description": "Watchout Nike, there is a new Sheriff knock off in town.", "content": "SACRAMENTO -- CA The MLB announced earlier this month that they would be switching back to their old manufacturer. Many players and more importantly fans had chastised the league calling the new apparel “...cheap, uncomfortable, and ugly.” This change comes after it was announced by the Chinese government that they had raided and shut down a notorious sweatshop that had been posing as a sportswear company. The statement said “This house of thread horrors does not live up to the standard of successful knock-offs that we can be proud of.”
\nI would say this a win win for everyone, but Fanatics is guaranteed to swoop in and ruin everyone’s day.
\n", "date": "2025-01-03T12:32:00Z", "author": "Drewski", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/mlb-forced-to-switch-jersey-manufacturer-after-sweatshop-raided-in-china/", "image": "/image/article/royals-uniform.png", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Man Shocked After Finding Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree", "description": "You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, what about Tucker on a ______", "content": "A Man was shocked to find Justin Tucker under his Christmas tree this year. When he asked his Wife what was going on, she replied “You said you wanted an old, washed-up kicker for Christmas?!” The Man responded “What? I said I wanted a bold, squash sticker for my workout bag. But, you couldn’t have even called Adam Vinateri to see what he was doing?”
\nTucker was quoted as saying “I will try anything to change the mojo in my life currently.”
\n", "date": "2025-01-03T09:01:00Z", "author": "Drewski", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/man-shocked-after-finding-justin-tucker-under-his-christmas-tree/", "image": "/image/article/justin-tucker-christmas.png", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Arizona State Just Happy to Be Involved on Positive Side of Controversy", "description": "\"We're just happy that noone died.\"", "content": "SACRAMENTO, CA -- In one of (if not the best New Year’s Day College Football Games) of all time, there was a major end of game controversy, because of course there was. A blatant non-call of Targeting by Texas, which would have extended Arizona State’s game winning drive, left everyone absolutely speechless. Arizona State had all of the momentum and all of America rooting for them to take Texas down like a Spanish Matador. America is a better place when Texas loses.
\nWhen asked for a comment, an anonymous school official stated “We are just happy to be on the positive side of a controversy. Especially one that does not involve underage drinking and fraternity hazing.”
\nTexas will now look to try and beat Ohio State to advance, in what I am calling the “Arby's Who Has the Worst State to Live In” Bowl, sponsored by.
\n", "date": "2025-01-02T17:13:00Z", "author": "Drewski", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/arizona-state-just-happy-to-be-involved-on-positive-side-of-controversy/", "image": "/image/article/arizona-texas.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Sacramento Kings: Pros and Cons of Firing Scapegoat Mike Brown", "description": "Mike Brown, Monte’s Scapegoat? We weigh in.", "content": "The Sacramento Kings have done it again! In a move no one could have predicted, but definitely expected, the Kings have fired Mike Brown, the Coach of the Year from only two seasons ago. This bold move proves the Kings remain committed to their tradition of head-scratching decisions. Let’s break down the pros and cons of this ingenious decision.
\nThe Kings have a rich tradition of chaos. Mike Brown’s firing is a reassuring sign that, despite minor hiccups like making the playoffs or being relevant, the Kings are still the Kings. Fans yearning for the stability of the mid-2010s dumpster fire years can finally exhale.
\nThe Kings have a rich tradition of chaos. Mike Brown’s firing is a reassuring sign that, despite minor hiccups like making the playoffs or being relevant, the Kings are still the Kings. Fans yearning for the stability of the mid-2010s dumpster fire years can finally exhale.
\nDoug Christie now gets his turn in the hot seat! A former Kings player and assistant coach, Christie knows the franchise inside and out. This includes understanding how to manage games, coach players, and—most importantly—cope with being blamed for everything by mid-February. We can only hope his rotations will make some sense.
\nThe Kings firing Mike Brown to fix their issues is like a chef blaming their spatula for the soup tasting bad. Have they considered that maybe, just maybe, the ingredients need a second look? (Cough inconsistent defense cough).
\nSay what you will about the Kings, but they know how to keep fans on their toes. With Brown gone, the conspiracy theories have exploded: Did he forget to light the beam one too many times? Did he get into an H1-B debate with Vivek? Did someone say the word “playoffs” three times into a mirror?
\nWhen Michael Malone, your ex, is calling you out for lacking “class” and “balls,” maybe it’s time to shower. And reflect. This is like your old college roommate critiquing your life choices while holding a championship ring. The sting burns extra.
\nWith Brown gone and the Kings tumbling in the standings, there’s one undeniable upside: lottery ping pong balls! The Kings excel at scouting mid-lottery talent who will someday shine…on another team. The cycle continues. Thanks Monte.
\nTwo seasons ago, the Kings were being celebrated as a rising Western Conference power. Now, they’re a punchline again. Fans are left wondering: what if they had just, you know, kept building instead of detonating?
\nThe Sacramento Kings’ firing of Mike Brown is equal parts puzzling and hilarious, with just a dash of tragic inevitability. If this franchise has taught us anything, it’s that no matter how bright the beam, the Kings will always find a way to dim it.\nUntil next time, stay strong, Kings fans. Maybe ticket prices will finally drop.
\n", "date": "2024-12-30T18:30:33.344Z", "author": "Lane: The Bro", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-sacramento-kings-pros-and-cons-of-firing-scapegoat-mike-brown/", "image": "/image/article/mike-brown-3.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "\"Vaxxed?” Aaron Rodgers Posthumous Inquiry on Jimmy Carter Shocks Nation", "description": "Immunized to peanut allergies.", "content": "In an unprecedented twist that has left the nation both bewildered and amused, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has sparked widespread conversation by asking about the vaccination status of the recently deceased former President Jimmy Carter. The football star’s remarks came just days after news of Carter’s passing circulated, igniting a flurry of reactions from fans, politicians, and comedians alike.
\nDuring a live interview on his favorite podcast, aptly titled “Rodgers Reads the Room,” the quarterback posed a question that nobody saw coming: “I mean, with all the talk about health and wellness, does anyone know what Jimmy’s vaccination status was? It’s not just a matter of public interest; it’s a matter of historical importance, folks!”
\nFans watching the podcast live immediately took to social media, where reactions ranged from hilarity to shock. “Leave it to Aaron Rodgers to ask the important questions… a little too late,” tweeted one amused user. “It’s like asking if your grandma had the flu shot while she’s at the pearly gates.”
\nThe inquiry has sparked a debate about when exactly is the right time to ask such questions. Health experts quickly chimed in, suggesting that while knowing the vaccination status of a former president may hold some curiosity, perhaps it’s more of an inquiry better suited for a late-night talk show than a serious podcast.
\nRodgers, known for his unconventional opinions on health and wellness, appeared unfazed by the controversy. “Listen, if we can discuss stats on my last game, why can’t we dig into the nitty-gritty of presidential vaccinations?” he argued, seemingly equating the two entirely distinct topics. “If I can throw a touchdown pass under pressure, I should be able to handle the pressure of finding out if Jimmy Carter was boosted.”
\nEven Jimmy Carter’s family weighed in. In a statement, they remarked, “While we appreciate Aaron’s concern for our beloved family member's health, we feel there are more pressing questions to tackle. Like, who’s going to take care of our peanut farm?”
\nPolitical commentators have since been lighting up the airwaves. One analyst quipped, “At this rate, Aaron may want to ask who else in the ‘90s was vaccinated. What’s next, is he going to dive into the immunization records of the entire cast of ‘Friends’?”
\nRodgers did attempt to soften the blow of his question by speaking fondly of Carter’s legacy, praising his humanitarian efforts and the importance of public health. However, critics were quick to point out that there are indeed more appropriate times to reflect on legacy than immediately after someone passes away. “It’s like trying to claim MVP status from the afterlife,” one social media user remarked.
\nAs news of the bizarre inquiry continues to circulate, pop culture fans are now speculating whether this odd query might inspire a new trend of “posthumous health audits.” Imaginary future headlines like “Michael Jackson’s Health Tips at 66: Was He Up to Date on His Vaccinations?” or “What Would Marilyn Monroe Have Done in the 2020 Pandemic?” are being playfully hypothesized.
\nAs for Rodgers, he remains unfazed by the chaos of the backlash. In his next podcast, he promised to tackle even more pressing issues, such as whether the Kardashians will consider getting vaccinated in the afterlife. After all, in the world of Aaron Rodgers, it seems there’s never a dull moment—even when topics are better left untouched.
\nThe only question left now is—can we expect a touchdown pass from him on this one, or is it more of a fumble waiting to happen? Whatever it is, one thing’s for sure: Jimmy Carter’s legacy has inspired more debates from beyond than most could ever have imagined.
\n", "date": "2024-12-30T05:07:28.963Z", "author": "Danny Dimes", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/vaxxed-aaron-rodgers-posthumous-inquiry-on-jimmy-carter-shocks-nation/", "image": "/image/article/carter-vaxx.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Jimmy Carter, America's Sweetheart, Passes Before The Padres Win a World Series", "description": "A moment of silence for the Padres.", "content": "A moment of silence for the Padres.
\n", "date": "2024-12-30T03:26:01.5Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/jimmy-carter-americas-sweetheart-passes-before-the-padres-win-a-world-series/", "image": "/image/article/overview-jimmy-carter.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia", "description": "Grease them poles to save some lives.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- With Brock Purdy shattering his elbow into a million pieces just before the Superbowl, it looks like the Eagles are going to the Superbowl this year. In the seminal article of 2023, we sit down with a Philadelphia city municipal worker who is in charge of greasing up those poles for a serious chat on the materials they've experimented with.
\nWelcome to the 5thQuarterSports pre-Superbowl interview, thanks for participating.
\nYeah, thanks for having me.
\nSo it must have been a busy Friday evening, right?
\nDon't even get me started, man. There are over 23,000 lightposts in the city. Did you know that? It costs millions of dollars to make this city safe during any sporting event. It's insane.
\nSounds like a large effort. Do you grease the horses, too?
\nDon't even fucking talk to me about the horses.
\n...
\nCan I swear in this interview?
\nOk, so moving on, what materials have been tested? What are the absolute worst?
\nAlright, straight to business. I've been greasing up poles since 2009, and let me tell you I was scraping brain off the concrete before then from 1993. It was gnarly in the early years before this was a science. We've gone through SO many iterations.
\nSets start at that 2009 year. What did you first try out
\nRight, so that was the Naive Year, as I called it. We started out small, we tried literal KY Jelly at first. Big mistake. It gets wicked cold during the winter here, so when the first round of Eagles fans started to slide down it activated the jelly. Unfortunately this really warmed their hands up. That turned out to be the WORST year on record, it really encouraged many people to give it a try. It was awful, we lost many elderly folks who just couldn't afford gloves that winter. On top of that, it was outrageously expensive.
\n...is this forreal?
\nYeah. It really is. We thought we learned our lesson for the next year.
\nDid you?
\nWe did NOT. That year we decided to set the city up into two parts, one half with peanut butter and one half with motor oil. Two huge mistakes. The peanut butter half of the city was very quickly consumed by the local homeless for the first 8 feet, I guess they stood on each other's shoulders or something? Hard to say, but the number of deaths before the celebrations topped the celebration deaths just from unknown peanut allergies alone.
\nThe motor oil had a similar problem. We made the crucial mistake of using new oil and not used oil. Folks who lived near the poles just used an ice scraper and filled their leaky ass winter cars. Insanity, we really were clueless in those early years.
\nI have a hard time believing any of this.
\nLet me tell you, this is no joking matter. We've lost over 600 lives to the poles.
\nOkay. Right. I am getting dizzy. What were the best solutions so far?
\nWELL we really nailed it last year. We split the city into 8 divisions for a double-blind test. The most successful of that run was using Vasaline. That was GREAT, it stuck to the poles all night and didn't slide off. It preventing gripping while moisturizing. It actually ended up healing people.
\nThe runner up was, oddly enough, was just coving them with water. Those froze over night, but made the poles extremely dangerous. Kids kept licking each other to lick them. People reached terminal velocity if they slipped near the top. Not good.
\nWell, I thin that wraps things up. Thank you for your time.
\nNo, thank you.
\n", "date": "2023-01-30T00:39:58.077Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/phillies-superbowl/", "image": "/image/article/lightpost.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with DraftKings", "description": "Grandma is giving me cash on my birthday, by powerwalking her way to victory.", "content": "Boca Raton, FL - Last week, a new competitive sport was born when a fledgling sports organization announced their competition calendar for 2023. This week, the National Powerwalking League is showing its already aged muscle with a multimillion dollar sponsorship deal with sports gambling giant DraftKings.
\nThe National Powerwalking League was born out of the desire to give America’s agony aunts an excuse to daydrink and gossip about people outside their immediate family tree. While established sports like football and baseball have long tailored their events to family-friendly binge drinking by dads trying to relive their college days, the National Powerwalking League is dedicated to an activity just for the grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who are tired of being on the sidelines. NPL President Dottie Greenberg explained:
\n“With the new NIL [name, image, and likeness] rules, we forgotten matriarchs are ready for a piece of the damn pie. You Generation Zebra whippersnappers think you invented athleisure? I’ve been wearing the same damn spandex unitard since 1983. You never call, you never visit, so damnit, we’re powerwalking onto your television screens.”
\n5thQ sources tell us that Disney-owned ESPN and NBC’s Peacock are engaged in a tense bidding war for streaming rights that could go as high as $850 million dollars for the 2023 season. Teams located in Boca Raton, FL; Jacksonville, FL; Sarasota, FL; Naples, FL; Ashville, NC; Portland, ME; Phoenix, AZ; and Greenville, SC will compete in 10 events starting in October next year. Squads of 5 aunties will race around the block in the finest retirement communities this nation has to offer. Winners will be determined by pace and number of complaints registered per block.
\nDraftKings will reportedly pay the NPL $500 million dollars for exclusive betting rights in an effort to expand their reach among the most avid gamblers.
\n“The moment the NPL was announced, we knew we had to monetize….I mean support, this incredible new sport,” said DraftKing spokesperson Kyle DeBois. “You know who America’s real gamblers are? The old ladies chainsmoking at slot machines at 2 pm on a Tuesday. They’re the backbone of casinos, and now, the hottest thing in online sports betting.”
\nIs this the future of American sports betting? Maybe if you called your mother more, you’d know.
\n", "date": "2022-03-29T15:02:47.296Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/newly-formed-national-powerwalking-league-announces-partnership-with-draftkings/", "image": "/image/article/power_walking_champs.png", "category": "misc", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Lockout Update: Keys to the Office of the Commissioner Lost, Locksmith Called", "description": "The keys to end this lockout have been lost forever.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- 5thQuarterSports has been diligently following the MLB Lockout with ground breaking, and cutting coverage, and we will continue to provide just that. We've received an update from our sources that the mission to find the keys to the Office of the Commissioner have been abandoned. After weeks of searching back pockets, other coats, and between couch cushions hope nearly seems lost.
\nWithout intensive Spring Training this season, the rest of the season looks murky indeed. Rusty pitchers will forget to hide their pine-tar in the bills of their hats, and just bring the tub straight to the mound. Our sources share one upside to this issue: the western teams are pretty happy to not go to Arizona to participate in the Cactus League. I think we call all sympathize with them.
\nAll of this being said, there is still one backup plan to consider. The Club owners have gathered together, thought long and hard, and have come up with one effective Plan B. They are floating around the idea of calling a locksmith to unlock the office. The 5thQuarterSports analysts are skeptical of this move, and doubt it's effectiveness. However, we're not team owners. They probably know best.
\n", "date": "2022-02-22T00:37:11.296Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/lockout-update-keys-to-the-office-of-the-commisionewr-lost-locksmith-called/", "image": "/image/article/mlb-lockout-5.png", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli", "description": "Let's make 2022 a good year, the old fashioned way.", "content": "LOS ANGELES -- Its that time of year again: beers, brats, and BBQ. Friends and family come over, thousands of calories consumed. Stabbing rates rise significantly. That's right, it is Superbowl weekend. This year the Rams and the Bengals are competing for the Lombardi trophy. However, this year there is a twist. While the winners take home rings, a trophy, and glory; the losers will not leave at all.
\nSociety has collectively agreed the last few years have been the roughest in memory. We've tried many things: praying to monotheistic deities, wearing masks, and staying indoors. Our leaders joined hands in Bohemian Grove to come up with a plan to make 2022 more bearable for all. Chanting over the flames of Molach the Owl God came the answer. We've been missing it all along. What we need is a human sacrifice to the Mesoamerican Gods of old!
\nThat leads us to the Superbowl. To appease the Gods, one thing must be done. The losing team must be sacrificed on the field, broadcast live for the world to see. This is the literal last move we have to make sure 2022 is a good year. The 5thQuarterSports staff has arranged a burnt offering of our own this year to contribute, but that is only because I left the ribs on the grill too long. Here's hoping the sacrifice works, and crypto rises from the ashes.
\n", "date": "2022-02-13T18:30:54Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-superbowl-is-for-keeps-this-year-losing-team-to-be-sacrificed-to-huitzilopochtli/", "image": "/image/article/superbowl_edit.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff", "description": "Simmons is a pioneer in the anti-work movement.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- America is fed up with work. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, over having to spend any savings they have on a hospital visit only to learn that being 'sick and tierd' is not a diagnosable symptom outside of Lyme Disease or COPD. Ticks aren't even native to my area, Goddammit. How could I get Lyme Disease. But I digress. Americans are flocking to communities that are attempting to change working conditions to better suite the workers, with reasonable hours and better benefits. Reddit users have been driven to the /r/antiwork and /r/workreform subreddits for many months. The flock of the /r/antiwork church have been inspired by moderator Doreen Ford's widely lauded and revolutionary interview with Fox New's Jesse Watter's. The brave woman entered the Fox News battle ground, dodged all possible verbal traps laid by the skillful anchor, and came out ahead. So much so that she has inspired 76ers player Ben Simmons.
\nSimmons is breaking new ground in this work reform movement. His moral stance on not working transcends that which has been seen before. Doreen might have been walking dogs for ~20 hours a week, but Ben has her beat. He is anti-work to the point of losing over 19 million dollars through fines from the NBA for sitting games out. He is a true beacon in this anti-work movement. Some claim that he is not mentally ready to play in games. Some claim that he does not like his teammates on the 76ers. We at 5thQuarterSports have sources close to Simmons reporting that he is pushing the antiwork movement to places it never dreamed of going.
\nTo enter the moderator staff of /r/antiwork, one must pass the gauntlet. One must battle a dragon. One must interview with Jesse Watters. That's right: Simmons is slated for an interview to evangelize the anti-work / work reform movement in early march. Given how Doreen slapped Watters down the court and back, we have extreme faith in Simmons for this interview. This will be a pay-per-view event, with Bruce Buffer (this \"journalist's\" least favorite of the Buffer brothers) announcing.
\n", "date": "2022-02-08T16:49:55.026Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-ben-simmons-to-join-r-antiwork-moderation-staff/", "image": "/image/article/simmons-two.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Washington Redskins to change name to Washington January 6ers.", "description": "Up for consideration was also the Rioters and Insurrectionists.", "content": "WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Washington Football Team has been knocking their helmets together for quite sometime, trying to come up with a less offensive team name. They've toyed with many:
\nAnd this leads us to the current name. It has many pros:
\n5thQuarterSports fully believes that teams have names that are not offensive, and reflect moral values. We applaud the Washington Football Team from shifting from an out-dated, offensive name to a one that embraces modernity.
\n", "date": "2022-02-02T22:05:53.362Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/breaking-washington-redskins-to-change-name-to-washington-january-6ers/", "image": "/image/article/washington-football-team-helmet-120521-getty-ftr_13jxsb26kd9xd1ei7mawreql1c.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Bill Belichick, Ex-Lacrosse Player, Creates 3D Chess Over Text Messages", "description": "Bill Belichick, Ex-Lacrosse Player, Creates 3D Chess Over Text Messages", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- We've all done it: pretend 'accidental' text messages.
\nWe have the first level of 'accidental' text messages: reaching out to a love interest of the past.
\n\"Can I get the car keys?\" - Me to a cute girl I haven't talked to in three years
\n\"Haha, what?\" - Her replying.
\n\"Oooh no, that was totally meant for my roommate LOL. Anyways, hows it going?\"
\nThis, this is level of text messaging is somewhere between checkers and regular chess. More on the checkers side of things.
\nThe next step up is 'accidentally' sending a naked picture to your friend's group chat and saying 'Whoops', then following it up with a meme.
\nAbove that is texting your Door Dash driver to pickup some beer on the way back from getting McDonald's. While bold, it occasionally works out.
\nAnd finally, we've reach Belichick levels of texting. Confusing the names of two people to initiate the downfall of a previous employer when they refused to promote you. That's a pro move, unmatched. The 5thQuarterSports staff has taken note, and will learn from the eternal sensei.
\n", "date": "2022-02-01T22:48:09.764Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/bill-belichick-ex-lacrosse-player-creates-3d-chess-over-text-messages/", "image": "/image/article/belichik_vaccine.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Official 5th Quarter Sports 2022 MLB Hall of Fame Ballot", "description": "Official 5th Quarter Sports 2022 MLB Hall of Fame Ballot", "content": "Similar to last year, the other Hall of Fame voters are absolutely pathetic. Let some people (like us) get some votes. How about a fan vote? Fix this Rob Manfred. One year later and still nobody at 5th Quarter Sports has a vote (cough horseshit cough).
\nLast year, 5thQuarterSports only endorsed players who ALLEGEDLY used steroids. This year we decided to take a #wholesome approach and voted for those individuals we want to see in the Hall. The Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good @Lincecum/Papelbon/Fielder. Sosa isn’t even in the Hall of Very Good. He is in the Hall of Cheating Son of a Bitch.\nPut the bois in Cooperstown!
\n", "date": "2022-01-24T22:04:50.126Z", "author": "Resident Ginger", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/official-5th-quarter-sports-2022-mlb-hall-of-fame-ballot/", "image": "/image/article/2022-hof-scaled.png", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Golden One Center to Sell Ball Gags and Leather Masks, Kings Fans Are Submissive Masochists", "description": "Golden One Center is embracing kink culture, and we are here for it.", "content": "SACRAMENTO, CA -- The 5thQuarterSports staff is extremely proud of the Golden One Center for embracing kink culture. A recent survey done by the Kings themselves has turned up some interesting results. Well over 65% of the fan-base are submissive masochists, and proud. They embrace their lot in life, and are fully willing to accept their lifestyle. The Arena is right there with them.
\nNew booths are to open, mainly near the Sierra Nevada beer garden on the third floor mezzanine. Some of the booths include: Leather Daddy - a fetish shop specializing in bondage gear, Pretty In Pink -- a men's panty store, and 'Mhmm I Can't Hear You' -- a ball-gag enthusiast shop.
\nThis is a giant leap for our society's acceptance and normalization of the BDSM community. We applaud the strength and courage of Sacramento Kings fans everywhere. They're steadfast, true, and know what they like even though it may cause a bit of pain.
\nThe Kings are 18 and 30 this season.
\n", "date": "2022-01-24T17:16:33.057Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/golden-one-center-to-sell-ball-gags-and-leather-masks-kings-fans-are-submissive-masochists/", "image": "/image/article/sac_proud.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "BREAKING: Owner of Sixers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.", "description": "Accusations of 'indulgence' style trade are swirling.", "content": "NEW YORK -- Trade rumors have been swirling for quite some time around Ben Simmons, with multiple teams competing for offers. Simmons has yet to play a game this season after he requested a trade to a different team. The Sixers, God bless 'em, have been scrambling to come up with a deal the benefits only them.
\nThe Kings have come forward with a Haliburton, Hield, and Barnes trade, but the Sixers are not having it.
\n\"It does not benefit us enough,\" Head Coach claims.
\nThe Sixers have offered the Warriors an equally one-sided trace, attempting to secure Draymond Green and Andrew Wiggings, with some calling them \"delusional\".
\nBut the final trade offer that is being pursued is the most insane of them all. They're petitioning God himself for a trade. It is as one-sided as they come, in exchange for Simmons they're requesting a free pass to heaven. Some have accused them of buying old-time indulgences, others have said that Simmons would really round out God's team.
\nThe bias-less 5thQuarterSports staff things the Sixers should just give Simmons to the Kings for free.
\n", "date": "2022-01-19T23:12:20.052Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-owner-of-sixers-offer-god-trade-ben-simmons-for-pass-to-heaven-critics-call-it-one-sided/", "image": "/image/article/simmons-two.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "5thQuarterSports Formally Endorces Dougie McCormick for a Kings 10 Day Contract After Recent COVID-19 Outbreak.", "description": "We can hear the chanting now: Dougie Dougie Dougie", "content": "SACRAMENTO, CA -- The Sacramento Kings appear to be in a bit of a bind. It seems that COVID-19 is making it's rounds through the players and staff, mostly recently announced was Tyrese Haliburton, and potentially Marvin Bagley III. It would appear that we could be entering grim times for the team. However, rough waters makes the cream raise from the milk. A clutch internal prospect has risen internally and reached the ears of Monte McNair and may be under consideration for a 10 day contract, given the recent bout of illness. That prospect is the legendary Dougie McCormick, the Equipment Manager for the Sacramento Kings.
\nSome may have scoffed at the SNL skip suggesting that Dougie had asthma attacks on the court. However, the analysts at 5thQuarterSports would like to remind the readers that everyone has potential. NBA teams are bring in 45+ year old players to fill their rosters. Furthermore, McCormick even has a slew of numbers picked out and put them up in a Twitter poll. The number 69 could be playing for 10 days.
\nIt is your time to shine, Dougie. Everyone is rooting for you.
\n", "date": "2022-01-17T00:14:07.637Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/5thquartersports-formally-endorces-dougie-mccormick-for-a-kings-10-day-contract-after-recent-covid-19-outbreak/", "image": "/image/article/sac_proud.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Breaking: MLB Owners Still Can't Find Keys To The Commissioner's Office, Lockout To Continue", "description": "They've tried every key on the chain. Things are looking desperate.", "content": "SAN FRANCSICO -- I walked by Oracle Park this afternoon, on what I expected to be a bustling weekend. Around this time the stadium would be prepping for Spring Training. To my surprise, the stadium lay dormant and hardly a soul was in sight. I waived down a meandering security guard and asked him what was up, why was I walking by a ghost town. He looked at me as if I was kicked in the head by a horse as a child, a look I've received my whole life. The portly fellow draped his arm over my shoulders and told me a tale.
\n\"The MLB owners have searched high and low for the key to the commissioner's office, and they are completely unable to find it.\" He said to me, \"They've checked their spare pant pockets, rifled through their coats, tried every key on their keychain including the ones which open something unknown. It has been 45 long days, and they are running out of time to find them. Folks are starting to get worried.\"
\n\"Is this a metaphor or something?\" I responded.
\n\"No son, this is real life. But to tell you the truth, I bought this security jacket at Goodwill. I use it to get into venues and events for free. I don't actually work here.\"
\nRegardless of the authenticity of our sources, this is what we choose to report on.
\nThe lockout is reaching epic proportions, and we're worried it will start eating into the regular season games. However, there is still one hope for us here in San Francisco. We might be able to snag some sweet lawn seats at this season's Sacramento River Cat's games. Dinger Dogs, here we come.
\n", "date": "2022-01-16T23:34:01.663Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/breaking-mlb-owners-still-cant-find-keys-to-the-commissioners-office-lockout-to-continue/", "image": "/image/article/mlb-lockout-5.png", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "REPORT: Kings to waive entire roster moving to 10 day contracts, includes coaches.", "description": "Longevity is not the play. For-hire teams are the FUTURE.", "content": "SACRAMENTO, CA -- Some call this play by the Sacramento Kings as proto-typical. The 5thQuarterSports staff calls it ingenious. The King's owner Vivek Ranadivé has announced a stunning new direction for the team. Inspired by Isaiah Thomas' 10 day contract with the Mavs to fill their roster, the Kings will now adopt this as a regular policy as a long term player aquisiiton.
\nThis comes at an interesting time in the Kings' coaching history. One could say they have churned through coaching staff like a strong, sturdy Amish woman through cream and children. This isn't good news for Alvin Gentry, who just joined the team as head coach in 2021. Preceding him was Luke Walton, who was coach for just a single year. The Kings ownership may have recognized a pattern here. Year long contracts allow for too much adjustment and familiarity. Too much long term planning, and results must be immediate. They need to bring these tenures way down. Why spend tens of millions of dollars on coaches who they fire, when they can spend hundreds of millions? Our staff thinks this is an ingenious play. It will keep the team's strategy as fresh as newly cut grass.
\nThis will also have a large impact on the players. Even this week there are rumors that De'Aaron Fox is up for a trade, who has been on the team since 2017, as well as Tyrese Haliburton, who has been on the team since 2021. The similar pattern exists here: these players have been on the team for longer than a few years! Player longevity needs to drop, and fast.
\nWill other teams follow this for-hire model for building their rosters? We sure hope so.
\n", "date": "2022-01-10T01:43:23.078Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/report-kings-to-waive-entire-roster-moving-to-10-day-contracts-includes-coaches/", "image": "/image/article/kings-banner.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Report: You can take the man out of Butte County, but you can't take the Butte County out of the man.", "description": "Aaron Rogers is standing up for what he belives in, besides the State of Jefferson.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- It takes strong moral fiber to boycott your job. Some famous examples come to mind, French Coal Miners in the 1800s, the great Teachers of Ontario striking in 1997, and recently the Kellogg's Factory strike of 2021. Now, joining their ranks, is the great Aaron Rogers. He is STANDING UP for what he believes in. He is striking on his job, and choosing not to play in the Superbowl if the Packers make it, unless his demands are met.
\nHis demands are simple:
\nHis demands are common amongst the denizens of the 'dirty 530' area code. They're good, common folk with strong demands. Keep fighting the good fight, our neighbors to the north. Keep growing them almonds, supplying water to the Hollywood elitists, and breeding strong Quarterbacks.
\n", "date": "2022-01-08T00:39:58.077Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/report-you-can-take-the-man-out-of-butte-county-but-you-cant-take-the-butte-county-out-of-the-man/", "image": "/image/article/aaron_rogers_throwing.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Report: Antonio Brown Was Too Warm on Field", "description": "The man was overheated, give him a break!", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- There have been many theories swirling around about Antonio Brown's recent 'outburst' on field. There have been numerous reports around this event. I assume this is because there is nothing else plaguing the whole Earth at this time. Reports of being forced to play with an injury, reports of quitting the team, and reports of a classic case of CTE have been flying left and right by many major publications, sports related and otherwise. However, 5thQuarterSport's diligent on-the-field reporters have stumbled onto the truth.
\nAntonio Brown was too hot. He was warm. Got a case of brain fever, and the fella had to take his shirt off. Case closed. Why is every talking about an overheated man with such zealousness, bitterness, and rage? Many have called for him to be pulled from the Bucs. Many have called for public apologies. I say: you must apologize, world. When the bastards of society speak out at once, the angels of the world - such as Antino Brown - must respond with love kindness and compassion. For those who call for vile acts against him know not what they say. The man was toasty, and the many gargoyles spitting fire at him are doing nothing to cool him off.
\nFor shame to all the negative voices. Many are acting as if they themselves haven't ripped off their shirts in a fit of increased body temperature during their lunch rush at a local Cold Stone Creamery, storming off mid-shift, refusing to participate in yet another literal song and dance. Look yourself in the mirror, cretins. Man was hot, and you are not.
\n", "date": "2022-01-07T02:53:18.9Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/report-antonio-brown-was-too-warm-on-field/", "image": "/image/article/antonio_brown.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Metta Sandiford-Artest, Formerly Known As Metta World Peace, Formerly Known as Ron Artest, Sues Facebook Over Name Change and Stolen Valor", "description": "This is the lawsuit of the century, with one crutial twist.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- The media firestorm is calling this the Malice at Menlo Park. In the wake of mass shootings, white supremacy, internal company conflicts, harmful algorithms, human trafficking, war crimes, advertising, human-lizard hybridism, and generally bad PR; Facebook has decided to make a pivot in hopes that we all forget the nastiness currently associated with them. However, they've made a crucial misstep this time around: they're looking at 'Meta' as the new name for their company and product.
\nThe Zuck has directly ripped off Metta Sandiford-Artest's brand, legacy, and namesake for their grand rebranding. So now, the one true Metta/Meta needs to be determined. Sandiford-Artest has issued a lawsuit against Facebook/Meta, and according to the 5thQuarterSport's personal lawyer and long time contributor, @Drewskidew he has a ROCK solid case against them. Except for one curious clause embedded deep with the legal paperwork.
\nSandiford has challenged the Zuck in mortal combat on who gets to keep this iconic name. A three-on-three no-rules half-court game of basketball. There are several loose stipulations in this proposal. The arena is of Zuck's choosing. Each player gets to choose one person on the other's team. There are no flagrant fouls. A player cannot granny shot (a devastating blow for the Zuck).
\n5thQuarterSports will keep our avid readership up-to-date with more details as this case of the century unfolds. All we can predict now is: this does not look good for Facebook/Meta, or for The Zuck himself.
\n", "date": "2021-10-28T20:01:27.753Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/metta-sandiford-artest-formerly-known-as-metta-world-peace-formerly-known-as-ron-artest-sues-facebook-over-name-change-and-stolen-valor/", "image": "/image/article/ron-artest.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Enes Kanter's Social Credit Drops to 0 in China", "description": "Bold plays have devistating consiquences.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- This week Enes Kanter made a move that is controversial in the NBA recently: having a backbone. He was able to flex his spine in a very unusual way, through his feet. Rocking kicks that portray the famous Tank Man photograph with the tanks stylized as Winnie The Pooh, Enes stunned the world. This image is of course in reference to China's current president, who looks uncannily like a honey hungry cartoon bear. We here at 5thQuarterSports applaud his bravery.
\nWe reached out to LeBron James, but he was busy crying in the showers over his Alibaba stocks volatility due to Xi Jingping's tech crackdown.
\nWhat are the consequences of this off-court play? Recently social credit has been playing an important role in the social hierarchy of China. Social credit has significant effects on financial security. One of the results is that Enes will have trouble securing a loan for a house in any Chinese province. Not only that, but upon entering any 'smart city', the advanced facial recognition cameras will pinpoint his exact location. Any false move, and he will incur heavy fines.
\nThis extends to on-court play. Players with low social credit score will be subject to more scrutiny by refs. Flagrant 2's are triggered at the slightest brush of an opponent. A raised voice results in being thrown off the court. Most shocking of all, players with low social credit have no 3 pointers. All shots are worth 2. If fouled, the player's shots are reduced to just one.
\nThis will have SERIOUS consequences on his future Chinese career. We at 5thQuarterSports support this decision, and applaud him for his bravery.
\n", "date": "2021-10-28T19:28:33.494Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/enes-kanters-social-credit-drops-to-0-in-china/", "image": "/image/article/kanter_shoes.jpg", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Why Is My Dad A Raiders Fan All Of The Sudden?", "description": "I'm beyond baffled.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I just don't get it. My father has never been a fan of football. I'm not even sure that he could name more than 3 teams before last week. I'm thinking of buying my parents a carbon monoxide detector, because my old man has come out as a Raiders fan. I walked into the kitchen early one Sunday morning and my father's face was painted black and silver. He was wearing platform boots, and had silver spikes protruding from various parts of his body. My first impression was that he was cosplaying as a member of KISS. I looked closer as I brushed the dust out of the corner of my eyes and saw a large number '4' on his chest. That is Carr's number. Then it hit me.
\nI probed him for the sudden fandom as I started to prepare coffee. I alluded that the Raiders have a pretty solid start to the season:
\n'Did you start following them because they're in good shape so far?', I asked.
\nHe just shook his head, a smirk on his face.
\n'Carr is looking pretty good, he has 10 touchdowns so far. Are you a fan of the quarterback?'
\nAgain, just silent headshaking.
\n'Their offensive line is full of fresh talent. Are you stoked by their prospects?'
\nHe just leaves the room.
\nI guess I will never know.
\n", "date": "2021-10-20T01:16:42.64Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/why-is-my-dad-a-raiders-fan-all-of-the-sudden/", "image": "/image/article/6830336-raiders-wallpaper.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "ITS TIMEEEEEEEE FOR OCTOBERRRRR BASEBALLLLLLL!!!!!", "description": "Baseball time, BAYBEE!", "content": "Welcome to 5thQuarterSports’ October predictions. They are totally accurate and 100% unbiased. Strap in, for the truth.
\nThe Red Sox are going to shit down the throats of the Yankees. Eovaldi is going to shove and the Sox are going to hit 3 home runs off of Gerrit Cole. The Red Sox are on a tear at the end of the year and the Yankees tried to blow their hopes of a postseason and just barely held on long enough to destroy their fans in October. Also fuck Aroldis Chapman.
\nThe Cardinals are the HOTTEST team in baseball at exactly the right time. Nothing will ever be more satisfying than the Dodgers winning 106 games and losing in a one game wild card game. “They had the most ever wins (106) of any MLB team that failed to finish first in its division or league.” Just let that sink in. We root for chaos here at 5th Quarter Sports and the best possible outcome is for the Dodgers to be leading 3-1 going into the 9th and having the Red Birds score four off of Kenley Jansen to blow the save. Write the movie script now. Bring back David Freese and GIVE IT TO ME.
\nThis should be the World Series matchup. This will be the best matchup the entire postseason and it’s a damn shame that Rob Manfred hates the fans and won’t let this happen. Wander Franco is the future of baseball. Ji-man Choi is a sex icon. Nelson Cruz fading off into the sunset. Brett Phillips running around with his arms out wide to the Titanic song. It’s perfect. Until Chris Sale, Pivetta, and Eduardo Rodriguez come in and SHOVE. This is going to be a hell of a series and the Red Sox will win in 4.
\nThis is a very even series too. Both very boring teams in 2021 and this will be a snoozer but very even series. I would love the White Sox to win so that’s the prediction. White sox in 5. Rodon might fuck around and throw another no-hitter. He also might give up 8 runs on 10 hits in 3 innings. You never know and that is the beauty in October baseball.
\nThis series will be electric. Italics for emphasis. The Giants were the best team in baseball during the regular season. But this is the postseason baby. HENNEYTHING CAN HAPPEN. With that said, the Giants are v good. They will win. I don’t think anybody in any series will get swept but this will be a series where the Giants would’ve swept but they will blow a game late. Giants in four. This is all on the condition that Andrew R does not attend a single game. If he goes, they will lose and that material change can not be forecasted in our current algorithm.
\nI haven’t watched a ton of Brewers games this year. All I know is Hader is incredible and shaky. At least in the 5ish games I watched. The Braves are so fucking good. The Braves will win. Again, no sweeps. So Braves in 4. Dansby Swanson will have his coming out party and Freddie Freeman looking to make a run and secure his Hall of Fame spot.
\nTHE MATCHUP OF THE SOCKS/SOX!!! We move to a 7 game series here and 7 is statistically harder to win then 5. Because of the more games and no sweeps this postseason. Schwarber will hit a few Schwarbombs, the fans will drink many vodka lemonades (see my MLB stadium ranking article), and Sweet Caroline will ring through the halls. Sox (Red) in 5.
\nThe classic East Coast West Coast matchup. Great for Major League Baseball. Great for fans. It will be cold in the Bay. It will be weird in Atlanta. Yazasazastremsky will cement his own legacy coming out of his grandfather’s shadows, Tyler Rodgers will soft toss a few saves, and Giants in 7. Again, with the caveat that Andrew R does not attend.
\nOh baby. Here it is. Here we go. Other than the Red Sox/Rays matchup, this is the next best matchup. These teams are so evenly matched. The Giants only had a better record because the National League is a god damn cake walk. The last time these two teams met in the World Series was in 1912 when the Red Sox beat the New York Giants and it will happen again. Red Sox in 7. The Giants have more depth but the Red Sox have more star power.
\nThese predictions are final and unbiased (see my MLB stadium ranking article to see that I am in fact unbiased).
\n", "date": "2021-10-05T19:23:30.553Z", "author": "Resident Ginger", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/its-timeeeeeeee-for-octoberrrrr-baseballlllll/", "image": "/image/article/2021-mlb-postseason-logo-.png", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "We Wanted To Know What James Harden and LeBron Jame's Shot Charts Looked Like for 2020-21", "description": "We're bad at Googling, so we made this ourselves.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO -- I’m like a cat in many ways. I like lapping milk, eating live birds, and shitting in the garden. In this specific case, I am cat-like in my curiosity. Like many calicos I wonder to myself, often when I am attempting to fall asleep: where do LeBron and James Harden make and miss shots? This isn’t the one that keeps me up for hours, swirling about my noggin, but it is one of the ones that passes through nightly.
\nWould it be easier to, say, run this through the ol’ Google machine? Yes, it would be. I in a temporary fit of insanity and insomnia, this is what the staff eventually approved of. I created them with gluesticks and construction paper. Hopefully my Mom'll tack this on the fridge for the neighbors to see during Bunco nights.
\nNow, is there anything here that everyone else didn’t already know? Nope. But they sure are purdy.
\n\n\n", "date": "2021-10-03T22:54:30.006Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/we-wanted-to-know-what-james-harden-and-lebron-james-shot-charts-looked-like-for-2020-21/", "image": "/image/article/harden_shot_chart_2020_21.png", "category": "basketball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "An Unbiased Ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums", "description": "Spoiler, there might be some bias.", "content": "Extremely sick brag, I completed my conquest of all 30 MLB Stadiums on 9/24/2021 at the ripe old age of 26 years and 86 days. I went to my first ever game at 3 days old (allegedly) so that means it took me 26 years and 83 days to accomplish a feat many talk about with their dads when they are younger but aren’t committed enough to complete.\nWith all of that, below is my unbiased ranking of all 30 MLB stadiums. I write this from the point of view of a Red Sox fan. I also grew up 10 minutes from Angel Stadium so I am an Angels fan and that is the stadium I have been to far more than any other. These rankings take into consideration a few things:
\nAlright so this should be pretty obvious. Even if you haven’t been to this dump, you can tell from TV it is terrible. The only redeeming quality is that you can buy a $5 ticket and then sit wherever you want because they prefer people to sit closer to make it look like there are more fans there. Even the suites here are awful.
\nTop memory: Presenting the 2021 Lou Gehrig Memorial Award to Stephen Piscotty
\nBest part of the stadium is the bobblehead collection in center field and the view of downtown Miami in the far far far distance in left. Brings me to my first point. The location is terrible. Just bad. The bobbleheads are actually kind of impressive. Another stadium where it doesn’t really matter where your tickets are because you can just sit anywhere. The Marlins wore their red city connect jerseys when I was there so that was cool. Probably the best city connect jerseys put out this year. But yeah, bad stadium. I don’t like that you start outside at field level, then have to go up to the concourse, and then back down to your seats. Weird. PRO – They give you a button for your first game at the stadium instead of just one of those certificates AND they have a special button if it is your 30th stadium. It was my 28th stadium but they gave me both buttons anyway because I asked nicely and I am a simp for a cool button.
\nTop memory: Met this dude who was allegedly a sniper in the Secret Service and he too was visiting all 30 stadiums
\nBought a $30 ticket and sat row one behind the visitor’s dugout. That was cool. And that’s all I have good to say about the stadium. By far the rudest staff of any stadium I visited. Also when you get off the train you have a long walk that was made worse on the way back because it was pouring rain and while the rain isn’t the White Sox fault, I hold them accountable for how far back to the train it was. And the entrance I went in doesn’t look like an entrance. It's across the street and then you walk over a bridge. Wild. Also, the stadium is just plain and the coolest part is a bunch of candy on the scoreboard. You have downtown Chicago right there but the stadium is closed off and pointing the wrong direction. Miss.
\nTop memory: Amazing seats for dirt cheap because the White Sox suck. Stadium 3 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
\nRogers Centre is weird. People ask me about it and the first thing that comes out is that it feels like a basketball arena but with a baseball stadium inside. I think a big thing that throws me off too is they have a retractable dome, fine, but it opens up to dead center field whereas I believe all other stadiums with a retractable roof open at an angle usually foul pole to foul pole. I don’t know … just weird to look at. The Marriott hotel in the outfield with views into the stadium is pretty sweet. Good things about Rogers Centre – location is incredible right in downtown Toronto. Also, the concessions fuck. Hard. You can get poutine, Tim Hortons, and they have some pretty dank sandwiches. Allegedly you can bring in outside food but I didn’t try. Unfortunately, the stadium itself sucks but one of my favorite bars in Toronto is close by – The Loose Moose. What a name.
\nTop memory: Poutine in a stadium. Top tier concession.
\nI went when it was Miller Park (hype) and they have since changed to American Family Field (wtf). One of the coolest things was drinking a Miller Lite at Miller Park. Second coolest is the TGI Friday’s that hangs over the left field wall and is a home run porch. Also, thots and prayers to TGI Friday’s for getting evicted alongside Miller and being replaced by a restaurant called Restaurant To Be Named Later. This is a retractable roof done well with a lot of glass walls not making it feel as inside as it is. Location is terrible. So far from everything. Took the train up from Chicago and then had to Uber and it was all a mess. Stop 2 on 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
\nTop memory: Bratwurst with sauerkraut and a Miller Lite. Felt like a true Milwaukeean.
\nI’m going to get so much flack for this ranking but I don’t care. I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic and I will not be swayed or bought out of my opinions. The view from the upper deck is pretty good. The outfield had an all you can eat section but I believe they got rid of it. The stadium is old and looks sold but not in the cool way Fenway and Wrigley look old. The incline in the upper level is insanely steep and kind of sketch. Dodger Dogs are garbage. You used to not be able to go to any section you didn’t have a ticket for. Dodger fans are the second worst baseball fans behind Yankee fans. The stadium is on a hill that overlooks LA, which is cool but it is an absolute nightmare trying to get out of the place. And you have an 85% chance of a Dodgers fan trying to fight you.
\nTop memory: Saw Ken Griffey Jr. play at Dodger Stadium
\nOk so I have been to both the old and new Yankee Stadium. They are the exact same thing minus all of the history that came with the old stadium aka the best part about it. It is right off of the subway making getting to the stadium very easy. Except you have to go on the NYC subway so you probably will get stabbed, mugged, or watch a homeless person shit in the corner. Monument park I imagine would be really cool EXCEPT at the old stadium you had to have a ticket not in the bleachers to go. We had bleacher seats. At the new stadium it closes way before the game. There is no reason for it to be closed at all. It is in the outfield, I think it has a net covering for safety, and doesn’t interfere with the game. There is a Hard Rock Café in the stadium (again, simp for pins) but there is no reason for a Hard Rock there. Should be like Milwaukee where you can be there and watch the game. Yankee fans are the worst fans in baseball and if your best concession is a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog, you lose.
\nTop memory: Went to Old Yankee Stadium with my dad in 2002 so I was 7 and it is my earliest baseball memory at a baseball game
\nI wanted this ranking to be so much higher but it just isn’t. If I had to guess, I have probably been to 106 games here. I am pretty confident I’ve hit 100. Could be closer to 150 but that seems like a bit of a stretch. The concessions are bad. They bring in “local” restaurants to have a spot in the stadium but never seem to keep one for longer than a year. “Local” because they are all surrounding cities and not really local. The stadium is old but better than Dodger Stadium because you can move about freely and it isn’t as steep. Love the double decker bullpens in left. Call me a homer but I LOVE the rocks. Fountains and fireworks for homeruns, it is in the shape of an A, but also in the shape of the Matterhorn just like the ride at Disneyland because Disney used to own the team. You lose sight of the field when you walk behind home plate and also in right field. I like to have eyes on the game even when walking around. The location also sucks being in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. The two huge hats in front of the stadium are one of the cooler features of any MLB stadium. Fun fact the hats have a hat size of 649 ½. GIGANTIC. They also have a huge A in the parking lot that lights up to tell fans not at the game that the Angels won and the commentators use the phrase “light that baby up.” Objectively sick line. And the stadium is called The Big A. Also a win.
\nTop memory: 2002 World Series Game 2. Tim Salmon last game. Jered Weaver debut. So many
\nNot as bad in person as it looks on Tv. I’m not sure that’s really a compliment but again, the first thing I say when people ask me about it. I was there for the first game ever in this stadium with fans, 2020 NLCS Game 1 and 2. Incredible atmosphere. First game with fans in all of MLB in 2020. People were itching for baseball! From the outside, the stadium looks like a shed from Home Depot. Actually it kind of looks like Home Depot. Just a big box. I like the big glass windows in left opening up the stadium a bit. Texas Live right outside the stadium is a cool pre/post game spot. Admittedly the game I was here for may have pushed this one slightly higher than it should be but it is still in the bottom third of stadiums so whatever.
\nTop memory: First game in the stadium’s history with fans
\nMuch better than expected. MUCH. People give this stadium so much shit with many saying it is worse than Oakland. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Very good concessions. Like very good. The short rib grilled cheese is up there on favorite concessions at any stadium. Budweiser braised short rib, cheddar, swiss, Havarti, caramelized onions, horseradish cream, on Texas toast. Yes. Walking around the concourse sucks because you have no eyes on the game except for walking in the outfield. I like the bullpens on the field. I know I’m psychotic, but I like the catwalks. It's fun, unique, and after this stadium goes away will likely never happen again. Shohei (I think?) hit a ball that got stuck on a catwalk. If you’re sitting in right field you can’t see the scoreboard, which sucks. I like when they have another one on the other side. The roof lights up for the national anthem and on homeruns. Sick. The staff was incredible and the fans were into it.
\nTop memory: Wander Franco debut
\nTo be completely honest, I don’t really remember this stadium. I was uhhh 13ish but we had incredible seats and I didn’t hate it so this ranking felt right. I mean let’s be honest, the middle third is all just a toss up on the order. I like that the home plate dirt is shaped like home plate. I like the strip of dirt from the plate to the mound. Statues of famous players, near other Detroit team stadiums, I like it. Solid average park.
\nTop memory: Sat 7ish rows up from Tigers dugout
\nChase Field was decent. I lucked out and both games I was at, the roof was open. Concessions were pretty good. Gourmet hot dogs, home of the churro dog, and the only stadium I know that has Cold Stone in the stadium. Big step up over Dippin Dots. Sat row 1 down the right field line. Good games. This being my 30th stadium might have helped the ranking a bit but I don’t think so. Good surrounding area and close to downtown Phoenix even though downtown Phoenix kind of blows.
\nTop memory: 30th stadium!
\nVery very average stadium. Far enough from downtown to be annoying if you aren’t a local but close to all the other sports stadiums and they have a sweet bar out there too for pre/post game. Love that you can walk all the way around the stadium and never lose sight of the game. I liked the double decker bullpen and standing area above. Not a lot great, not a lot bad. It plays.\nTop memory: The Liberty Bell sign lights up for homeruns?
\nSolid stadium. Open roof for both games with a great view of the Seattle downtown and football stadium. Decent concessions. Got pretty drunk on vodka lemonades. I love the bullpen area (coincidentally where the vodka lemonades are). You can stand right on the rail 2-3 feet from the relievers. They have deep fried crickets at the stadium but I didn’t have any. Got a gnarly sunburn in the outfield for the Sunday day game I was at so that sucked.
\nTop memory: One of the last game Pujols played as an Angel
\nSimilar to Citizens Bank Park, I love the bullpens. Progressive gets the nod though because you can stand in front of the bullpens. Good beer options in right and love the field view in right field that you can go down to and watch for an inning. Close enough to downtown so easy to get to and fun staff. Good place.
\nTop memory: Skipped work to go to a day game
\nI like Great America. Wholesome family fun. I like to sit in left field seats. Good area outside the stadium. Great Bark in the Park games. One of my favorite breweries nearby. Never had a bad time at the stadium. I like the steam stacks in right as an ovation to the Ohio River riverboats, you can see Kentucky across the way, and one of those smokestacks caught on fire at a game I was at. Great America at 15 is perfect. Average stadium average score.
\nTop memory: Pet many puppers at Bark at the Park.
\nI like Nationals Park a lot. Solid all around stadium. Presidents race is awesome, love the entrance in left at outfield level and the concourse out there. Great views of DC. Love going to a day game and seeing all the Congressmen in suits leave in the third inning. Weird experience. Easy to get in and out with the metro. Not a lot to say, just a good all-around stadium.
\nTop memory: Again, skipping work to go to day games mid week.
\nI like Kauffman. Very unique stadiums. The fountains are cool. I think I like the scoreboard with the crown. I really like the hall of fame in left. I like how small this stadium plays. It is very far from KC but next to Arrowhead. Honestly the fountains pushed this to the top of the middle third but again, middle third stadiums fit anywhere in the middle.
\nTop memory: Stopped here to break up an 11 hour drive from Kansas back to Ohio.
\nLove Oriole Park! Went to opening weekend on Easter Day and got on ESPN for missing a home run ball. Was sitting in the front row in left field. Concessions are above average. Crab dip fries? Fuck yes. Too much Old Bay floating around the stadium but that’s my West Coast bias. I like the right field walkway behind the stadium that is technically part of the stadium. Feels like a baseball stadium. Easy to get to and close to downtown even if there isn’t much to do in the area. More double decker bullpens. Apparently I have a type.
\nTop memory: Getting on ESPN even if for an embarrassing reason.
\nTarget Field is beautiful. In the category of newer stadiums, they did well with it. Sweet right field concourse area. Cheese curds and fish and chips are great. I like the flags and Minnesota sign. They did well with the extra pieces of the stadium. Close to some good bars. Great stadium staff. Stop 4/5 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
\nTop memory: Devin Smeltzer debut.
\nBeautiful stadium. Had a Coors Light at Coors Field so that was cool. I like the outfield concourse. I like the mountain shape of the scoreboard. I like the bar on the top level of right field. I like the forest in center and the glass wall in front of the bullpens. The view from the front of the stadium is cool too. Looks like an old school stadium from the outside but more modern on the inside. Good all around spot. Great staff. Oh and there is a row of purple seats in the upper deck that is exactly one mile above sea level.
\nTop memory: Sat in the Diamondbacks’ wives section behind home plate.
\nVery cool stadium. I liked it way more than I expected and way more than I wanted to because I hate the Trashtros. Great stadium tour and the stadium has so much uniqueness to it. The train is sweet. I didn’t know left field was the old train station and that is the inspiration for the arches in left. Sat in the Crawford Boxes, which might be my favorite seat in baseball (only because I haven’t sat on the Green Monster yet). I like the staircase in center and all of the random walkways you can access. Fantastic brisket nachos. Top 3 if you go by concessions alone. Crawford Bock is a great stadium beer. The train moving is electric and love the big windows in left. Close to downtown but really nothing to do around the stadium.
\nTop memory: Rangers vs Astros and Altuve hit a walkoff grand slam that went three rows directly over my head
\nLove the outside view of Citi Field. Reminds me of a turn of the 20th century stadium. I love the apple and the bridge in the stadium. Easy to get in and out of. Solid all round concessions. This is a stadium you are in and it just feels good to watch baseball. I don’t have a lot of notes, I just had a great time.
\nTop memory: Worst thunderstorm I’ve ever been stuck in happened during this game.
\nSecond best backdrop in all of baseball. Beautiful field. Ballpark Village is a great strip behind the stadium. The Cardinals do a really great stadium tour and have a great museum. The Cards do everything well and it's really the backdrop that carries this stadium high.
\nTop memory: Getting three bobble heads and taking non of them home because I only had a carry on.
\nOnly knock is how far away it is from Atlanta. Other than that, there is not one strike against Truist Park (lol see what I did there? Strike? Ha!). Fantastic brisket mac and cheese and my second favorite seat I sat in, the Coors Light Chop House in right field. The Battery is the area outside the stadium and is probably the best surrounding area of any baseball stadium. The Home Depot Clubhouse is a pretty cool piece of the stadium. Really cool de facto museum behind home plate on the main level and the Chop is the most electric chant in sports and I don’t care who knows it. It is. They drop the lights, it's magical.
\nTop memory: Going with my buddy who is a season ticket holder and him hooking me up with seats for both games
\nPetco is beautiful. Absolutely deserving of being in the top 5. I love the old candy factory built into the stadium in left field. Has the overhangs on each level that are great for home runs. When I went, there was a giant sandbox in center field for kids to play in. The stadium is right off the water in the middle of downtown San Diego. Gorgeous weather. Fun fact, you can see Mexico from the stadium. I like the weird indent in right field for seemingly no reason. And it's in San Diego. Enough said.
\nTop memory: Here for my birthday weekend and coming from Sea World, my brother was wearing a Nemo hat and got on the Padres pre game intro video on tv for the entire season. They were playing the Giants in Barry Bonds’ last season, he got hurt and I remember everyone cheering.
\nI think you could make a case for Petco or AT&T here but the stadium beats out the “extras” of Petco. The third best view in all of baseball and I know that will be controversial. Fantastic stadium tour and probably the best one available. Concessions are great led by the garlic fries and bread bowls. The stadium is cold but I love it. One of the best features is in right field. You can walk up and watch the game for free through the fence. I know there is an inning rule and you are supposed to cycle out but if there is nobody there, you can stay the whole time. Splash zone home runs are also incredible with the kayaks and the fountains going off. I liked it better when the bullpens were on the field and the wall was further out, but it doesn’t impact the positioning here.
\nTop memory: Came here with my dad in 2013 when they rose the 2012 World Series flag
\nThere is a reason Travel and Leisure ranked PNC Park one of the top 22 views in America. It is truly one of the most picturesque views I have ever seen. It is only accentuated by the nooks and crannies within. Even though the Pirates are absolute dogshit, Pirates fans show up and make PNC a great time. The concessions are great. They do a great job of showcasing the local Pittsburgh talent from pierogis to Primanti Bros. Every seat has a great view and this large ballpark plays small. Walking over the Roberto Clemente Bridge has to be the best commute to a stadium and there are a ton of great bars and restaurants around for post game fun. I also like the double dirt walkup from the on deck circle to the plate. Clean look.
\nTop memory: My high school throwing partner made the Pirates roster in 2021 so I got to go down and see him on the field pre game
\nThese top two are just unfair. Wrigley is incredible. It looks how baseball is supposed to look. Walking off the train and walking around Wrigleyville is just the start to an amazing day. Build your own Chicago dogs, cheap beer, bleacher seats, cup snakes, and ivy. Just a few things that made Wrigley top notch. I have been lucky enough to hear Go Cubs Go at two of the three games I have been to including the first game. The second game had a rain delay and after we were able to move down to row 1 behind the Cubs dugout just in time to watch Wilson Contreras get ejected in a blowout and tell the umpire to “stop being so fucking sensitive you fucking pussy.” Classic. This was also the week of the 2021 trade deadline and the last time we would see Rizzo, Bryant, Baez, and others in a Cubs uniform. Another of the top 3 tours you will be on. This was stop 1 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
\nTop memory: Crushing Chicago dogs (my favorite style of hot dog) and cheap beers all day in the outfield to contribute to the cup snake
\nI told you at the beginning that I am a Red Sox fan and I told you at the beginning I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic. That said, Fenway is top dawg. Everything about Fenway is incredible. To those who say “yeah but there and Fenway you are behind a pole” I say “stop being poor and buy better seats.” It is an experience and worth every penny. I balled out and went to Opening Day in 2021 at Fenway. My first ever Opening Day. It was 12% capacity, which sucked so I just had to go back. But I sat everywhere. Outfield for my first game when it was 30 degrees and I froze in the shade, upper deck down the right field line, and a few rows up from the right field line lower level. All great. Fenway Franks shit on Dodger Dogs. Great clam chowder at the concession stands. Drinking Sam Adams all day long. Except for the multiple vodka lemonades. Fun fact – I was served the first beer at the Sam Adams beer deck in the 2021 season. A title I will never forget and a responsibility I will never take for granted. I should say that I needed the itch for more Fenway. The 12% was great but didn’t feel right. So, spur of the moment, I flew back up for a Red Sox/Yankees game and it did not disappoint. Sweet Caroline is beautiful. Yankees suck chants are fantastic. Watching Gerrit Cole get shelled is everything I dreamed of and more. This takes the spot over Wrigley because I really value uniqueness. I love how different from any other sport, every baseball stadium is different. It brings a fun element to the sport. The bullpens are sweet, the staff is great. Sadly one of my least favorite tours and the seats are uncomfortable but minor setbacks for the GOAT.
\nTop memory: Walking up for the first time and seeing the Green Monster
\n", "date": "2021-10-01T02:54:54.526Z", "author": "Resident Ginger", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/title-an-unbiased-ranking-of-all-30-mlb-stadiums/", "image": "/image/article/mlb_stadiums_ranked.jpg", "category": "baseball", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Drafting Matt Stafford First For My Fantasy Team Was The Best Decision Of My Life", "description": "This is going to be the best season ever.", "content": "SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A few weeks have passed since the remote 5thQuarterSports fantasy draft. The legendary in-person event has sadly been sent into the realm of ‘full remote’, due to CORVID-19. Gone are the days of chips and dip. Welcome to the era of microwave bean-and-chee burritos infront of a standup desk. I am digressing, what are we really here to talk about? Well, it is one piece of advice.
\nThat advice is as follows: ignore the cautionary tales of your friends and family. Turn a blind eye, and fill your ears with air pods when they tell you that you are making a huge mistake. Announce the plan early to your fellow drafters. Sing it loud, sing it proud: You’re drafting Matt Stafford as your first round pick.
\nWhy is this drafting strategy particularly good this year? Well, that answer is easy: The Rams BAYBEE.
\nI praise Jesus every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
\nI praise Allah every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
\nI praise Elmo every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
\nThe analysts at 5thQuarterSports have asked the important questions, like Does Matthew Stafford Suck? and we’ve come up with definitive proof that he does not, in fact, suck. With this info in mind, keep one strategy in mind: do not draft anyone from the Lions. Your loved ones might laugh and call you names if you draft Stafford first, but they’ll lose all respect for you if you take the ‘road less taken’ of drafting someone from the Lions in the first round.
\n", "date": "2021-09-28T00:24:15.966Z", "author": "5thQ Staff Writer", "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/drafting-matt-stafford-first-for-my-fantasy-team-was-the-best-decision-of-my-life/", "image": "/image/article/stafford_rams.jpg", "category": "football", "comments": [] }, { "title": "Where Is Steph Shooting At, Based On The Seconds Left In The Game?", "description": "This stat may be dumb, but its actually important, maybe.", "content": "I may not know much, but I do know that Steph Curry is good at shooting a basketball. How can I possibly quantify that? Well, I can't. I guess one could look at percentage of shots made to shots missed, but does that really matter? As long as someone is scoring points then do raw percentages count? One could look at many things.
\nInstead of simply asking if a player is great, we can try to understand how they play. I think an interesting part of that understanding is trying to find when they act, and what action they take. This can be relative to quite a few things, but two obvious ones are within a period and within the game in general. One relatively easy stat to calculate stat is how far away from the hoop is a shot attempted, relative to when the shot was attempted.
\nHear me out, people behave different when it comes down to the wire. Early in a period there is much more wiggle room. Early in a game there is much more wiggle room. What does a player do in the moments when there isn't wiggle room? Lets take a quick peek at the graph below. This is in the context of a period, and we've stacked all of the periods from the 2020-21 season on top of each other to create this view. It is a more general view, but we can get to a more in-depth look later. Here is what we are seeing:
\n