WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Washington Football Team has been knocking their helmets together for quite sometime, trying to come up with a less offensive team name. They've toyed with many:

• The Commanders. Sadly, Gen Z is too ACAB, so this doesn't make any sense.
• The Natives. Even more sad, their market research showed this was too 'PC' for their existing fanbase.
• The Insurrectionists. This one proved much too hard for the average football fan to spell.

And this leads us to the current name. It has many pros:

• It looks like very shallow punishment is given to those who participated in the January 6th 'riots'. Compare this to the treatment of Native Americans for the last 300 years, and it shows what society truly values.
• It has a nice ring, is easy to spell.
• This has a broad appeal across America, whether from alt-right proud boys to basement dwelling Q-Anon believers.

5thQuarterSports fully believes that teams have names that are not offensive, and reflect moral values. We applaud the Washington Football Team from shifting from an out-dated, offensive name to a one that embraces modernity.