Elliot Page, 5'1 King, Is Now NFL Free Agent

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To kick off his introduction to male-kind, Elliot Page has announced interest in joining the NFL. This may come as a shock to fans, for several reasons. First and foremost, is the fact that he is a Canadian naitive. Many have questioned, why has he set his sights for the NFL, as opposed to the WHL or NHL?

We here at 5thQuarterSports were theorizing months ago, after a night of binge drinking and watching Umbrella Academy that if Page were to enter into an athletic career, the most logical place to start would be a beer league hockey team. Then, with enough effort, long nights, and Coors Lights, he’d be able to work his way up the ladder. Slapping biscuits and knocking buckets is only natural to our good neighbors to the north. However, sources close to Page have confirmed his sights lie on a fist full of rings and a lucrative Subway Sandwich deal.

All things considered, we are impressed. Our sources have smuggled us potato-quality footage of Page’s pre-combine training sessions, and what we have seen is astonishing. Several amazing tackles to bring down players 300+ lbs as well as a 60 yard field goal straight down the center of the forks has us beyond convinced. Be sure to pick this deep sleeper up on your next fantasy draft, because this highly exclusive information has yet to be released to the public.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?