I called the gambling addiction hotline this morning because football season has officially turned me into a financial terrorist.
The operator answered immediately.
“Gambling addiction hotline. How can I help?”
“I think I have a problem.”
“You bet $38 on an anytime touchdown scorer in the Thursday night game.”
“That doesn't sound that bad.”
“You parlayed him with the under.”
“Okay, well, those things were correlated.”
“You then live-bet the over after the first quarter.”
“The game script changed.”
“You don't know what a game script is.”
“I've watched football for 20 years.”
“You took out a $300 ATM withdrawal at halftime.”
“That was bag, not ball.”
There was a long pause.
Then I heard typing.
“What are you doing?”
“Reviewing your betting history.”
“How do you have my betting history?”
Another pause.
“DraftKings.”
I immediately sat upright.
“Wait. What?”
“DraftKings sent us your data.”
“WHY?”
“So we can help you.”
“You're literally reading my DraftKings account?"
“Yes.”
“You know my wagers?”
“Yes.”
“My deposits?”
“Yes.”
“My cash-outs?”
“Yes.”
“My same-game parlays?”
“Yes.”
“This is insane.”
“No,” the operator said. “This is actually pretty normal. You accepted DraftKings terms and conditions.”
He started reading.
“You bet $17 on a quarterback to throw for 250+ yards.”
“Yep.”
“He had 247.”
“Correct.”
“You then cashed out for $4.83 with six minutes left.”
“He was struggling.”
“He threw a 32-yard touchdown pass on the next play.”
I closed my eyes.
“Okay.”
“You also took a live alternate spread of -13.5.”
“They were dominating.”
“They were winning by three.”
“It felt like they were dominating.”
“You then hedged by betting the other team +17.5.”
“That was smart.”
“You lost both bets.”
“That's not possible.”
“It happened.”
I could feel the operator getting increasingly annoyed.
Then he started scrolling.
“You have a concerning number of bets involving backup tight ends.”
“Those guys get open in the red zone.”
“You bet $11 on a fullback to score a touchdown.”
“He was due.”
“He had one carry.”
“Exactly.”
“You've also bet on a punter to score.”
“That was a long shot.”
“He did not score.”
“He could have.”
The operator sighed.
Then he said something that made my blood run cold.
“You have a cash-out problem.”
“I don't have a cash-out problem.”
“You cash out every time your bet becomes profitable.”
“That's called taking profit.”
“You cashed out a +850 parlay at $73.”
“Correct.”
“It went on to win.”
“Okay.”
“You cashed out a +1200 parlay at $94.”
“Correct.”
“It went on to win.”
“Alright.”
“You cashed out a $20 bet at $21.16.”
“BETTER THAN ZERO.”
There was silence.
Then the operator spoke.
“You're a pussy.”
I was stunned.
“Excuse me?”
“Your cash-out tendencies are gayer than having sex with a man.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“You've got the gambling instincts of Jim Cramer.”
“This is a hotline!”
"You're probably still holding GME, though. Fucking retard."
“YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME.”
“I am helping you.”
“How?”
“I'm trying to stop you from cashing out a 6-leg parlay with five legs already green because a defensive lineman got injured.”
I didn't say anything. He was right.
Then I heard typing again.
“What's that?”
“Looking at your wagers from last Sunday.”
“Oh God.”
“You put $25 on a six-leg parlay.”
“Yep.”
“Five legs hit.”
“Yep.”
“Your final leg was a running back to score a touchdown.”
“Yep.”
“He had 96 rushing yards.”
“Yep.”
“He was on the 4-yard line.”
“Yep.”
“You cashed out.”
“Yep.”
“He scored on the next play.”
“I know.”
“You immediately deposited another $100.”
“I know.”
“You bet the same running back to score again.”
“He had momentum.”
“He never touched the ball again.”
I stared at the ceiling.
The operator sighed.
“Do you know what your problem is?”
“Gambling?”
“No.”
“Football?”
“No.”
“Impulse control?”
“No.”
“DraftKings?”
“No.”
He paused.
“You think you're smarter than the sportsbook.”
I laughed.
“That is absolutely not my problem.”
“Your balance is $4.19.”
“Okay, that's unrelated.”
“No. That's the entire problem.”
I hung up.
My phone immediately buzzed.
DRAFTKINGS: YOUR PERSONALIZED NFL BOOST IS HERE!
I stared at the notification.
QB 2+ PASSING TDs + WR 70+ RECEIVING YARDS + RB ANYTIME TD + GAME TOTAL OVER 41.5
+650.
I called the hotline back.
The operator picked up on the first ring.
“Don't do it.”
“I wasn't going to.”
“You already opened the bet slip.”
“How do you know that?”
“DraftKings.”
“Do they sign your paychecks?”
"I don't get paychecks, only promo credits."
I looked at the parlay again.
$20 to win $150.
The operator whispered:
“Do it.”
I placed the bet.
He hung up.
And for the first time in my life, I understood exactly what addiction feels like.
It feels like a notification from DraftKings.
And a man at the gambling hotline whispering in your ear:
“This one's a lock.”
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