SACRAMENTO -- Watching a regular season NFL game is similar to going on a third date. When your team is losing or you're simply not interested. It is a slow, agonizing process. But, when things "click", there is fluid movement on the field.
Smalltalk evolving into deeper conversation, you're calling audibles and they're landing. The turnovers are not devastating, they add to the excitement. For some reason the food tastes better on a good third date. You both order another cocktail. When the waiter ask "Does anyone want dessert?", you're 4th and inches. Why not, splitting a flan never hurt anyone.
Then you're walking back to someone's apartment arm-in-arm. Passing by the local bar a stop is made for one more nightcap before resuming the walk back, this is a play action pass. You arrive, realize you're too drunk to get it up, and decide to kick a field goal. You settle for a kiss, part ways, and they never text you back.
Football is a choreographed dance on the field, that is how DraftKings stays in business. You watch, it engages you, there is build up, breaks, drama, climaxes. A slow burn, a long release.
Then, there is RedZone. RedZone is not going on a date. RedZone is like drinking 12 Busch Lights and watching a creampie compilation. I feel regret after watching RedZone, I feel drained, antisocial, dirty. This is football for the TikTok generation, for boomers addicted to AI generated snuff films on Facebook.
RedZone should be illegal, or atleast heavily regulated like tobacco and firearms. Presenting a photo ID should be a requirement. It is like going to a peep-show booth. You must first self-identify as some kind of twisted pervert living on the edges of society before engaging in consumption. Every time I look in the mirror, I see some vile twisted abomination who's looking for the next dopamine rush the next Sunday hit.
RedZone pairs well with Franzia and counterfeit prescription amphetamines. A regular season NFL game is like dark chocolate, RedZone is sour belts. It is engineered for pleasure and momentum. It makes one sick, but one forces oneself to consume more. It is distilled, concentrated football that is heated with water on a spool, sucked into a syringe through a cotton ball, then shot intravenously through a vein in the base of the penis so you don't see tract marks. The quintessence of hedonism. RedZone is a Golden Corral. A trans-Atlantic cruise with multi-story water slides and no drink limits.
RedZone is the future.
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