SACRAMENTO -- Does the Pope shit at a Bears game? Only when they're playing the Eagles.

The Pontiff might have caused the second American schism this week when he declared that the overly violent and effective "Tush Push" play, popularized by Philadelphia, does not align with the ethics of the Vatican. The justification was some overly esoteric decree from the 1600's regarding a ball-game between two warring cloisters of Franciscan friars which matters not. What does matter is that Archdiocese of Philadelphia has split from the church officially.

5TH QUARTER FACTS: Each church in Philadelphia has a mini jail. That is where Lincoln Financial Field got the idea for it's internal high security prison.

Rodger Goodell took to social media condemning His Holiness from stepping out of the realm of the spiritual into the realm of the physical. He cited an equally esoteric rule circa 2005 allowing a loophole which allows pushing a ball carrier.

We await the white smoke arising out of the NFL's headquarters once the owners can come to consensus on the rule.

Robert Kraft was quoted saying "You're chafing me, use some more massage oil."

Jalen Hurts was not available for comment, however sources say that he looks down on the Pontiff for his lack of Superbowl appearances, to which Pope Leo responded with: "He only has a single ring, what does it matter? Washed."