SAN FRANCISCO – In a SHOCKING turn of events Barstool Sports has been banned from participating in White House press briefings by the Trump administration. Further, this ban extends the Pizza Review from reviewing the newly installed Brick-Up Oven Pizza window featured at the Washington Monument.

This comes on the heels of a long battle over crypto deregulation waged by Barsool founder and El Presidente, Dave Portnoy, et al. After the tragic fall from grace and subsequent self-immolation from both Hailey Welch's Hawk Tuah coin and former wide-receiver Antonio Browns’ (AB) CTESPN Coin, the Portony endorsed jailcoin has broken through the crypto zeitgeist. It has seemingly transformed itself from a meme coin to a stable coin in a strange twist of events. Subsequently, the push from the Barstool staff for even further deregulation and tax exempt status have left a bitter taste in the mouths of those in Washington.

Musk has called the push “Not very based”, favoring his shitcoin DOGE, named after his shadow government agency (Dogshit Obvious Governmental Eradication). That is right, in this version of reality the shitcoin came after the agency. Just roll with it.

When prompted for a quote from President Trump at the White House by 5thQuarterSports staff, where we have press credentials and front row seats for questions sandwiched between the really sweaty guy from OAN and the other, sweatier guy from Newsmax, he responded with “I literally don’t know where I am right now.”

More in the coming days.