The list of oils which are to be banned by the NBA and NFL mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil. Our mothers were right all along.
SACRAMENTO -- Today the NBA and NFL made a joint announcement that they are banning the use of essential oils. This is due to both the astounding healing powers of these oils, as well as the extreme physical enhancements which they provide. Our mothers have been right all along.
Videos have been circulating social media in the last week of WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends of players) performing physical feats, the likes of which strongly suggest the involvement of substances. These substances? Essential Oils.
The videos include the women making half court shorts with ease, dunking from the key, as well as throwing 70 yard Hail Marys. While we don't doubt the physical prowess of these women, many are athletes themselves, the level of performance across the board is uncanny.
The list of oils which are to be banned mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil.
The effects of lavender oil are mainly focused on the healing benefits and the reduced recovery window that they provide. I'd expect to see amateur body builders rip a smelling salt before a lift. I'm personally unaccustomed to seeing an NBA player raise the purple bottle to their nose after a mid-game hamstring strain. The effect can only be compared to when Popeye the Sailor Man ripping a tin of spinach. A truly electric reaction, and they're back on the court.
Next up is eucalyptus oil. This is favored by the NFL athletes. After ingesting some highly concentrated eucalyptus oil quarter backs proceed to see visions and spirits. These extra dimensional guides then proceed to whisper routes, and point out holes in the defending team's line. This has been described as similar to playing a game of Madden with your big brother telling you what plays to run.
Finally, is the chamomile oil. In high doses it acts a creatine substitute and greatly increases muscle recovery and water retention. This has been used liberally by many players, as it greatly enhances the effects of their workouts. A truly miracle drug when it comes to increasing general performance.
The only side effects recorded? Players now smell amazing.