VANCOUVER, BC -- If it’s true that God has a plan for each of us, Canada will soon become the 51st state of these United States of America.

In this event, the National Hockey League has absolutely no plan.

“Can you imagine what that does to hockey if Canada becomes a state? Canada?” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It would destroy the fabric of the league. And we have no plan whatsoever for if this happens.”

Along with emphasizing the league’s scrambling and lack of preparedness, Bettman went on to lament many of the implications of America annexing its northern neighbor.

“We’ve already got seven teams up there, but making them an actual state, that would ruin everything. And we already play little brother to Canada, culturally speaking. It’d be like your bully’s divorced dad marrying your divorced mom, and then your bully’s dad really tries to act like your real dad, and your real mom is totally powerless in the situation.”

This sentiment has been echoed by most of the American officials in the NHL, including Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell. Campbell also spoke to 5th Quarter Sports reporters from an fifth-floor balcony and commented,

“I will continue to pray very, very hard that this talk of Canada joining the union is just typical distraction tactics and media manipulation by the White House. But if it does happen, you will find me at the end of a rope.”

Meanwhile, the Canadian members of the NHL administration presumably have no qualms with the whole thing, aside from the heck of a lot of paperwork it’d create.