5th Quarter Sports

The Bay Area Gets Another Tugboat. The End Of The Ballad of Patrick Bailey

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 09 May 2026 09:17:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO -- The Giants have just lost two Golden Gloves but gained an absolute tank. The Giants have just finalized a trade for Patrick Bailey to the Guardians in exchange for Matt "Tugboat" Wilkinson. Will Tugboat bring the Giants ship into a good 2027 season?

Recently the Giants have been struggling to draw from the Fountain of Youth. Our personal favorite, Hayden Birdsong, is out with Tommy John surgery</a> for the season which is absolutely heartbreaking given the good start he had.

Tugboat is a think boi</a> at 270 lbs. He has 50 lbs on Birdsong. He has a sexual ERA and hits fast. Bailey wasn't an amazing hitter, so this could set the Giants up well.

The one gap in the trade? Bailey looks stoned in every picture.

UFC 328: Khamzat v Strickland, Front Kicks vs Not Getting Front Kicked

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 07 May 2026 16:04:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- We are excited to watch what will be probably the most boring UFC middleweight we can imagine.
Here is how it is going play out: Strickland will keep walking forward. Then, Khamzat will choke him out. How enjoyable. The weigh ins will be more enjoyable to watch. Khamzat ran the Strickland playbook and give him a front-kick when they were head-to-head.
The UFC is going for personalities. Hokit</a>, the intense insult fest between Khamzat and Strickland, no more PPV. It is just sad to watch this happen to a once great sport.

Report: While Playing GTA As A Child Joe Burrow Would Follow Sex Workers Around For Hours

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 04 May 2026 18:57:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Fresh out the Kentucky Derby, clad in pink, Burrow gave a wide-ranging interview which touched on his career, the legacy of the Derby, the rise of sports gambling</a> in the United States, Spider 2 Y Banana, and his childhood.
The single most interesting thing that stood out was his approach to playing GTA Vice City. One would think this would be an anachronistic game for a 29 year old, one would think that he'd atleast start with GTA San Andreas or at the minimum The Ballad of Gay Tony, but that is a digression.
Burrow</a> stared by describing the bog-standard game play, driving with the HUD off, the story line, shooting at the moon, etc. But, one key detail stood out. We wouldn't go as far as to say he stalked sex workers on the streets for hours. What he described it was making up an elaborate backstory, name, destination, and how they got into their position. Innocent fun.
We look forward to any stray interviews he gives at the Met Gala.

Aaron Rogers Retires From NFL After 21 Seasons; Nominated For Secretary of HHS

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 02 May 2026 14:51:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO -- After a historic run as an NFL quarterback, Steeler's QB Aaron Rogers announces his retirement from the NFL. this comes after</a> a surprising</a> number of retirement announcements in the NFL. After several injury-prone seasons he is calling it quits for now. The next field to lead? That is right, medicine.
After the previous Sec. of HHS, RFJ Jr.</a>, passed away from an obscure disease contracted from a bat (rabies) the White House announced their nomination for HHS: none other an Aaron Rogers. He plans to run a tight formation and run a nickle defense. You heard that right, all children in America are now recommended nickle supplements. It promotes strong, metal bones and blindness.
We tried to reach out to Rogers for a quote, but all we got in response was:
| The Bees! My head is full of bees!
We were unsure of what that meant, either he is referring to the fact that Washington is abuzz with this nomination, or he is experiencing severe CTE symptoms.
Rogers is going to Make America Play Football Again. MAPFA. Will he ever make his return in the NFL? Well, the future is unclear but maybe he'll have a sitdown with Philip Rivers</a>.

New NBA Rule Allows Team Owners To Challenge Refs

Nathan Graves — Wed, 29 Apr 2026 19:05:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO, California – NBA Commissioner Adam Silver</a> announced today a new league rule that grants team owners the ability to challenge referee calls. Similar to the coach’s challenge, owners will get one challenge per game with a second awarded if the first is successful.
The two rules will only differ in the sense that if an owner’s challenge is unsuccessful, the offending ref will be suspended three months without pay.
Additionally, if the owner wins their first challenge, they may waive their right to a second in exchange for “unlimited wishes.”
During his announcement, the commissioner called the move “possibly precented” and reasserted his steadfast commitment to fan and player satisfaction.
When asked how he would personally define integrity, Silver said, “this continues to be the vibe. Let me know when this is no longer the vibe.”

Diego Pavia Is The Least Controversial Heisman Finalist in Recent Memory

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 27 Apr 2026 15:51:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Pavia went from party playboy to not even drafted. On the flip side Mendoza</a> (the winner) was a perfect saint and was drafted first. The Heisman trophy</a> symbolizes the duality of man. It takes a certain player to come close, one with physicality and on-field prowess. That being said it takes a completely different kind of player to win.
Heisman winners often find themselves in hi-jinks. Reggie Bush, winner in 2005, was found accepting gifts and was at risk of losing the trophy all together. Frank Sinkwich and the worst last name imaginable. Orenthal Simpson had a really annoying partner. Tim Tebow? He can't read. Johnny Manziel</a> had an absolutely wild song written about him. RG3 has a podcast.
We lost the plot on this one. We're glad Pavia has a shot to find a team after playing in the Raven's minicamp.

76ers star Embiid fined $50K for whispering 6 or 7 during Celtics game

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 26 Apr 2026 13:42:00 -0800

PHILADELPHIA -- In a shocking turn of events the NBA has issued a totally reasonable and not bullshit fine against a player. 76ers star and recently outed meme-lord Embiid wrapped up his game against the Celtics by whispering a quick 6-7 on the kicks. He then flossed, teabagged Lucky the Leprechaun, and then headed to the lockerroom.
Is it absurd that the NBA has issued this fine? No, of course not. They're embroiled in a gambling scandal that runs deep within the organization. Embiid is the sacrificial lamb to get some of the heat off. The more that they conflate regular behavior with fine-able offenses the more "just" and "moral" they will see.
This is the beginning of a dark crack-down to avoid a devastating truth from being leaked. Next up? The NBA is going to shut down. Refs will call out sick en-masse as their not getting paid (bribed).
We get that on-court celebrations can get a bit heated. But a $50k fine for being hilarious and relatable to the youth is unfounded. We pray that Adam Silver changes his mind and reverses this one.

The War With Iran Is Just a Distraction For The NBA Playoffs

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 25 Apr 2026 16:28:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO -- The United States government finds themselves embroiled in a war in the Middle East for the...4th(?) time this century. This time the reasoning is much more serious than those the past. This instance? It is a distraction. They're trying to avoid having the American public realize that the NBA is openly collapsing on itself. Lets dig in.
We are huge Scott Foster fans. He might be the only reason that we watch the NBA anymore. However, this opinion is contentious. Foster's ejection of Draymond Green and Devin Booker</a> early in the playoffs, and his chastisement of the AV staff have garnered much hate on the internet. This is simply a symptom of the broader disease.
Next up? Pay to play. These games are on streaming services</a>. Prime, Peacock, what next Blockbuster</a>? Again, another symptom of a patient that is rotten to the core and who's bleeding viewership revenue.
So, what does Adam Silver do? He calls up the President of the United States of America, and demands the bombing of Iran begin. That is right, we're directly implicating Silver in this horrific series of events.
Bring our boys and girls back home. Shut down the NBA. It is officially over.

Fernando Mendoza: Somehow Not A Member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 24 Apr 2026 14:40:00 -0700

LAS VEGAS -- Somehow the newest addition to the group of "Wholesome" NFL players isn't actually cut from the Mormon cloth. Mendoza joins the ranks of the "Wholesome 4", Bryce Young, J.J. Watt, Andrew Luck, and Warrick Dunn after his latest first round draft to the Las Vegas Raiders.
It is nearly stereotypical, a man of faith traveling to the land of sin. In this case, can he save them (the Raiders not Las Vegas) or will he be destroyed by them like many before him (Maxx Crosby).
This is the second worst</a> day for the Mormons after the day Joseph Smith ascended to the outer darkness.
We congratulate Mendoza on becoming one of the selected few to claim the No 1. spot, and we hope he can shepherd the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

After Dangerous Climb Of Taipei 101, Alex Honnold Announces Plan To Climb The Social Ladder

Nathan Graves — Mon, 20 Apr 2026 17:32:00 -0700

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Following the success of his live-streamed climb of the 1,667ft skyscraper Taipei 101 without a rope or harness, free solo climber Alex Honnold is now saying his next ambitious climb will be the social ladder. “The plan is to go from friendless loser to beloved socialite and do it without any safety equipment or tethers to reality, which should be really exciting,” said Honnold, who has been a household name since 2017 when he became the first person to make a free solo ascent of El Capitan in Yosemite. “This is also just the first in a series of climbs I’m planning for the near future. Next up is the corporate ladder. After that, the political cliff and steps of the religious clergies, and along the way I’ll climb the organizational pyramids of the military and our manufacturing sector. These seem like really fun, challenging climbs, and I sort of think of it like that Mallory quote about Everest. "Because it's there."

NBA and Palantir Partnership Announced To Track Players On and Off The Court

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 19 Apr 2026 12:45:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Data analytics drive the modern world, and sports is the perfect intersection of raw stats as well as volatile, real world scenarios. Ever since Michael Lewis' Money Ball the sports world has been chasing the high of statistical optimization for decades. To accomplish this, they build partnerships.
It no secret that the NBA has a long-standing relationship with SAP, who's HANA platform powers their stats website. But now, they reach for dark magic. They need an all-seeing eye to focus on their players. What scrying tool would be better for the job than Palanitr, the shadowy analytics company which has worked its way deep into the US government and other organizations world-wide.
The NBA needs to track deep stats that don't yet exist to better identify talent that they don't even know they have. EFG% is no longer enough. Obscure stats such as FT2DR (Free Throws to Dunk Ratio) and P2F^2 (Packs / (Flagrant2^2) which more track player's personality and in-game attitude. These meta meta metrics will distinguish the next generation of player.
This partnership has been met with controversy. Palantir's association with tracking immigrants with ICE partnerships, and huge, sweeping government contracts were already unpopular in the court of public opinion. But now, this toxic brand is embedded deep within the NBA. Will they be able to survive the heat as they extract more and more data-driven value from their players?
The most touchy part of the contract is Palantir's commitment to rely on their broad surveillance technologies to track players off-court. This includes GPS data, text messages, tracking cross-platform usage using PII, and more. This has been met with outrage within the franchises, with many players bemoaning this new level of personal scrutiny. If Ja Morant could understand the terms, he'd be outraged.
The next controversial contract that the NBA has lined up? Their next technology-driven transformation is relying on Anduril's autonomous drone technology to film and optimize real-time game footage. A side effect? Tracking stadium attendance and individual customer purchase rate using facial recognition technology.
The future is here, old man.
Palantir's stock is down after the announcement, but that is related to a series of blog posts by Michael Burry (famous from a different Michael Lewis book)

Freaky Friday: Brock Lesnar and Brock Osweiler Bump Heads and Switch Bodes

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 19 Apr 2026 19:29:42 +0000

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, FL -- Well, it’s happened again! Brock Lesnar</a> and Brock Osweiler</a> were both late to the annual Convention of the Brocks. Brock Lesnar was making a desperate rush to reach the BallRoom of the Hilton Miami Downtown. Brock Osweiler was making a mad dash to reach the same location. Both men, totaling a combined weight of over 520 lbs, collided head on right in front of mighty oak doors of the Grand BallRoom. A thud that’d rivaled the eruption of the great Krakatoa</a> rang through the hallowed halls of that reviered Hilton Miami Downtown.
Out of the BallRoom sprang the renowned Gym Leader from Pewter City. He knelt before his fellow Brocks, to assess the damage. Osweiler was the first to come to, with a look of extreme bewilderment in his eye. Osweiler shoved Brock aside and rushed into the bathroom. Brock was thoroughly confused.
The Gym Leader knelt next to Lesnar, whose head was beginning to rock back and forth. Lesnar started murmuring something about the Dolphins, when his eyes snapped open. He rubbed his palms against his eyes, groaning:
“NOT AGAIN. This can’t be happening a third time!”
Lesnar sprang up, misjudged his strength, and landed squarely on his chest.
“I must escape this godforsaken, muscle bound maniac’, whispered Lesnar to himself.
Entering the bathroom Lesnar locks eyes with Osweiler in the mirror. They face each other, malice in their gazes. Lesnar places his hands on Osweiler’s shoulders. Osweiler does the same. They begin to furiously bash each other’s heads together, blood beginning to pool around their feet. This ritual has worked twice before, it should also work a third time. The 5thQuarterSports team wishes them well and hopes for a speedy mind reversal.

The Giants are Stacked for the 2026 Draft. How Will They Mess It Up?

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 19 Apr 2026 07:30:00 -0700

AUSTIN -- The Giants have somehow set themselves up very well for the 2026 draft, possibly ending their tragic multi-year drought. Their two top-10 selections, and the No 5 and No 10 prepare them well to really build a team and have Superbowl chances in 2028. So, what can they do well to waste Jaxson Dart</a>? Lets take a look.
Round 1, Pick 5: Anthony Hill Jr. University of Texas</h2>
Why would the Giants pick a Line Backer on the first slot? Well the answer to that is simple: Hill played with Arch Manning</a>. They know that the Manning Magic has rubbed off on Hill, no doubt about it. It makes complete sense. It is also rumored that Hill is good friends with Arch off the field, so maybe it will entice him.
Round 1, Pick 10: Malik Muhammad, University of Texas</h2>
Muhammad is a Cornerback out of UT, 72 overall. The Giants could use his speed and agility, and he could play well with Jaxon's split second decision making. More importantly? He kept the field clean for Arch Manning. He would be a great pick to warm up in the organization in preparation for Arch's draft.
Round 2, Pick 37: Michael Taaffe, University of Texas</h2>
Taaffe was a walk-on and has played astonishingly well as a Nickle for UT. Further, he's an Austin native, those boys are born different. Further, Deonte Banks could be switching positions so it only makes sense to fill another defensive slot. The cherry on top? He played with Arch Manning.
Round 4, Pick 105: Jack Endries, University of Texas</h2>
Now Endries is a bit of a sleeper, and the Giants already have the TE position on lock, but we think that the Giants could really use Endries' utility and dynamism on the field. We think he has proven himself after UT picked him up from the transfer portal, and his subsequent starting in all if the games in the season really proved he can grow into a team fast. That being said, he played with Arch Manning so it might just be a no brainer.
Conclusion</h2>
The Giants have really set themselves up to build an all star team of young up and coming players. We think we found the perfect combo to really mess up their chances to win for another 5+ years.

The NBA Finals, Prime Video, and the K Shaped Economy

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 18 Apr 2026 07:29:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- The US economy can be described in the same way that the now discontinued Campbell's Alphabet Soup can be. When the US economy can be described by the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street, you know things are going well. We're talking about the post-COVID K-shaped recovery. The decimation of the middle-middle class and the deeper striation of the lower-middle and upper-middle classes. Or in other words, those who have Prime and those who very soon will not.
K stands for Kill the Bourgeoisie.
K is the direction that the US middle class is going, and it is also why many people are going to miss the NBA finals in the coming seasons.
Big Daddy Bezos doesn't want you to watch TV.
My grandfather is 90 years old. His remote is taped to just show the volume and the power button. This man is missing the NBA finals this year. Now I know what you're thinking, "The NBA finals are not a protected right." And you are correct, noone deserves to watch the basketball. Here is the thing: in the near future it isn't just my dear grandpa who won't be able to watch. Noone will.
The NBA is a dying league, and basketball is a dying professional sport. I'm not blaming Adam Silver </a> directly</a>, but yes I am. The current state and impending fall of the NBA oddly coincides with the dusk of Pax Americana. The investments in the WNBA? Talks of European franchises? Russel Westbrook joining the Kings? Things are smelling more and more desperate.
This leads me back to the Primification</a> of the NBA. This is a last ditch effort for a fast cash grab by the League. Capture their core audience for an entire season, and much like a crypto scheme, pull the rug once the end is near and force you to cough up some extra money for a virtual ticket.
So remember when the 2026-27 season starts and you're excited to see where your team ends up, remember: don't. Watch football instead.

Doc Rivers Announces Retirement From Coaching, Plans To Return as a Free Agent

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 14:30:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- The legendary player and most recently Coach of the Milwaukee Bucks announces his retirement from coaching, and hes plans to return to the NBA as a free agent. He is hopeful for a draft position next season.
Will he plan to return to the Hawks or the Knicks? We're unclear, but we understand the desire to escape the daily grind of management and return back, get your hands dirty, and remember why you love the grind and the reasons that you started doing it in the first place.
It is projected that the 2027 draft class would have been the weakest in years. That is, until Rivers announced his entry. We're expecting other recently retired coaches to comeout of the woodwork. We're looking at you, Popovich</a>.

Josh Hokit is the final form of the WWE-ification of the UFC

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 15 Apr 2026 18:57:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- WME Group, LLC, formerly WME-IMG, and even more formerly Endeavor, otherwise known as the parent company of the WWE and UFC has reached the penultimate form of combat sports entertainment. This is obvious from UFC 327 with the Blaydes v Hokit fight.
This was, hands down, one of the most brutal and entertaining fights that anyone has seen in years. Real guts and damage were on display. Facial fractures occurred for Blaydes. But for me, the fracture of of the sport has never been more clear.
Hokit is a spectacle. He is reminiscent of the Hulkster in his prime. Swaggering, duragged, oiled to perfection. The peak of athleticism, unafraid, going hard in the octagon. Americana personified. You have to respect the fighter. But you have to loathe the organization.
The UFC has, as of late, cut promos in the post-fight interview with Rogan. It has been blatant. But few do so in character wearing an American flag rag (don't you DATE mention Jiri.) The icing of the cake? He will now fight at the White House 250 celebration.
The sport that I used to love has gone ultra mainstream. The sport where a Boston cop punched some guy in the crotch over and over. The sport that housed Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell, Kimbo Slice, and Brock Lesnar. Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone has broken every bone in his body. These upstanding citizens were ATHLETES. Not caricatures of fighters.
The UFC's train has reached the station. Dana White is the conductor, and Josh Hokit is shoveling the coal.

NBA Playoffs: Do Meaningful Games Mean Betting Opportunity?

Daddy Dumbass — Wed, 15 Apr 2026 15:35:00 -0700

Anybody with the slighted hint of ball-knowledge knows that betting NBA props is difficult toward the middle/end of the NBA regular season. The season is too long, the talent discrepancy is too massive between teams, load management and limited minutes without media knowledge often creates an environment ripe for bettors to lose their children’s tuition funds. Throw in this year’s tanking allegations of a dozen NBA teams, Gen-Z addicts don’t stand a chance.
After a brief hiatus of sports betting following the tragic loss in the (fraudulent) WNBA Draft</a> that I'll likely get flamed for: We. Are. So. Fucking. Back. Levels of Back unfathomable by even the Backstreet Boys and Eminem. The reason is simple: NBA games finally mean something again.
With $2.04 left in my PrizePicks account, it was time for a Hail Mary to recover from Monday's loss. Luckily, the NBA Play-In and PrizePicks Taco Tuesday had my back. With the NBA Play-In essentially creating “win-or-go-home” scenarios, star players are actually incentivized to do their fucking job and ball-out. Teams can’t limit minutes or load manage star players’ injuries if the next game isn’t guaranteed, and teams won’t tank if they’ve made it this far. I knew there was an opportunity to land the big fish, and below was the ticket to do it:
</div> Image Source</a>
Sure, my $2.04 bet only paid out $11.22 because LaMelo Ball tried murdering Bam Adebayo, but we live to play another day.
In reality, we can only thank LaMelo that the incident occurred in the first half, voiding Bam's over. While I will never root for any player's injury, I do pray that all injuries may occur in the first-half and be voidable (Praise Allah).
While NBA casuals might think now is the time to bet big, they have forgotten about the league’s secret weapon: Scott Foster and Tony Brothers. The NBA also recently announced that PrizePicks is now an official Daily Daily Fantasy Sports (aka Sports Betting) Partner with the league. Does anybody really think that the partnership doesn’t involve some kind of foreknowledge affecting any future prop picks? The NBA is notorious for inaccurate injury reports, this inside knowledge alone would skyrocket PrizePicks revenue. Now add referees to the mix, and PrizePicks may be able to significantly influence the outcome and player performance of NBA games. This is no conspiracy theory, and I invite everyone to revisit the 2002 West Conference Finals series between the Kings/Lakers.
Long story short: Keep the bet size manageable and fun. Expect the NBA and PrizePicks to fuck you over on occasion. If you’ve read this far, here’s some free ball-knowledge for today's NBA Play-In games:

Paolo Banchero: Over 12.5 Rebs+Asts</li>
Tyrese Maxey: Over 1.5 3PTM</li>
John Collins: Over 17.5 PRA</li>
Paul George: Under 30.5 PRA</li>
Steph Curry: Over 2.5 3PTM</li> </ul> If you like those, join our free OnlyFans</a>. Certified ball-knowers only.

WNBA Draft Recap: Toes, Hoes and Woes

Daddy Dumbass — Tue, 14 Apr 2026 17:41:00 -0700

After Sunday's article attempting to compare League of Legends champions to NFL Quarterbacks</a>, I concluded we could write more content about shit nobody cares for. So today is all about the WNBA.
Unlike all the women I've ever met, I actually support women's sports. When the WNBA Draft was the only sporting event of relevance on Tuesday night, I figured I could make a wager to spice things up, rather than mindless drooling over open toed athletes like some of you gooners.
Lauren Betts is a 6’7” Center leading UCLA to the national championship earlier this month. PrizePicks odds were -270 for Lauren Betts to be selected anywhere in the Top 3. A $100 wager would payout $136.
“A shoe-in. Easy money. No way these WNBA teams can fuck this up. Sure, it's only a $36 win, but that's a better return than any stock I'll pick this year.” I thought to myself. Don't believe me? Twitter has the receipts.
</div> Image Source</a>
With the first pick, the Dallas Wings selected shooting guard Azzi Fudd. The UCONN standout who is also dating Paige Bueckers, who happens to play for Dallas as well. A huge problem waiting to happen, if you ask me.
Second pick by the Minnesota Lynx is Olivia Miles, point guard from TCU. Fine, two guards drafted before Lauren Betts. Surely the Seattle Storm, in need of a Center, make the correct choice.
I’m sweating mom spaghetti while the commissioner reads “With the third pick in the 2026 WNBA draft, the Seattle Storm select…” FUCKING NOT LAUREN BETTS. A Center, only 6”4’ from Spain, averaging numbers nowhere near Betts against players who wouldn’t make an American high school JV team. $100 down the drain. I will be taking a betting hiatus, please respect my family’s privacy at this time.
I wouldn't be surprised to see myself featured on FreezingColdTakes</a> this week. I’m also the newest member of team “Let those assigned male at birth in women’s sports,” due to the fact these GMs wouldn’t select them anyway.
Congrats to the 2026 draft class, or whatever.

Pope Leo XIV Speaks Out Against the Tush Push

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 13 Apr 2026 16:29:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Does the Pope shit at a Bears game? Only when they're playing the Eagles.
The Pontiff might have caused the second American schism this week when he declared that the overly violent and effective "Tush Push" play, popularized by Philadelphia, does not align with the ethics of the Vatican. The justification was some overly esoteric decree from the 1600's regarding a ball-game between two warring cloisters of Franciscan friars which matters not. What does matter is that Archdiocese of Philadelphia has split from the church officially.

5TH QUARTER FACTS: Each church in Philadelphia has a mini jail. That is where Lincoln Financial Field got the idea for it's internal high security prison. </blockquote>
Rodger Goodell took to social media</a> condemning His Holiness from stepping out of the realm of the spiritual into the realm of the physical. He cited an equally esoteric rule circa 2005 allowing a loophole which allows pushing a ball carrier.
We await the white smoke arising out of the NFL's headquarters once the owners can come to consensus on the rule.
Robert Kraft was quoted saying "You're chafing me, use some more massage oil."
Jalen Hurts was not available for comment, however sources say that he looks down on the Pontiff for his lack of Superbowl appearances, to which Pope Leo responded with: "He only has a single ring, what does it matter? Washed."

Are the 25-26 Kings The Worst NBA Team Ever?

Resident Ginger — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 20:02:00 -0700

Yes.

The Rise of the Gen-Z Stare in the NBA

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 16:40:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Steph Curry said "Hello" to Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, who peered vacantly back at him. It was that moment that Curry realized that something was amiss. It was reminiscent of his recent trip to the Blue Bottle cafe, where the barista didn't say "You're welcome" after he thanked them for the decaf oat-milk latte. There is a disturbance in the force that many Elder Millennials and terminal stage Boomers are experiencing. This is an observed phenomenon</a>.
The fabric of society has actually already been torn, unbeknownst to the "olds". "The revolution will not be televised", Gil Scott-Heron said, broadcast wide by George Clinton. The revolution was not televised. It was spread through Whatsapp, Discord, and Telegram. It was E2E encrypted, sent through the tubes of the internet. It slithered through the store-and-forward substrate, the routers, the switches. It crossed networks and ISPs. It triggered notifications, resentment, agression, resignation. The revolution was not televised, it was silently distributed without the knowledge or express consent of the NBA/NFL/MLB. And it is too late.
Mark Daigneault asked SGA to hit some wind-sprints. A silent stare. He is 26 years old.
Anthony Edwards took a lap around Crypto Arena. It was brisk. He is 24 years old.
Chet Holmgren has a broccoli cut.
The Thunder are the new Warriors. How did Oklahoma overtake the Bay Area? The same way that Bryan Johnson remains immortal. The path to greatness is slick with the spilled blood of the young. The Great Pyramid of Tenochtitlan's many steps had an inch thick clot from the souls of the youth. It is a great American past time to milk dry the next generation, just ask Britney.
So the next time the clerk at the Dollar General who's approaching 30, who owns no property, and who knows the Payday Loan officer on a first name basis doesn't smile back after you purchase a gallon of rBGH milk just remember, it is because of you.

League of Legends Champs That NFL Quarterbacks Main

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 11:48:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- The word of sports and esports merge closer and closer every day. The lines are blurred between raw physical prowess and practiced reflexive coordination. No other specialized athlete crosses this line more frequently than the NFL Quarterback. No game requires more toxic on-field energy than Riot Game's dying masterpiece: League of Legends.
Snap decision making? That is a Jungler in disguise. Laser accuracy? Brother, that is an ADC in action. Can't run for shit? Open your eyes, that is a Top Laner. A diva who complains incessantly about the ref's calls? Mid lane complaining about ganks, say less. The parallels are uncanny.
We'll link as many QBs to their respective mains as we can, completely unbiased to both Quarterback and champion.
Matthew Stafford; Miss Fortune</h2>
The GOAT is forever in the pocket, slingin' dick deep down field. We waffled on the Cait / MF pick but in the end it only lines up that Miss Fortunes back of the lane deep poke makes the most sense. Pair this with the proven late game decimation in tight formations and the stars line up a little too perfectly.
Aaron Rogers; Ashe</h2>
Rogers is the glass cannon personified, lines up perfectly with the squishy Ashe. When that cross map ult hits it hits hard but 98% of the time you look like a damn fool. Deeply injury prone and only good in some seasons, we commiserate with Rogers.
Ashe also is needle averse so it lines up.
Lamar Jackson; Kalista</h2>
Extremely mobile, dancing around the field, always on the move, setting records for rushing yards, Jackson lines up perfectly with Kalista. Pair that with his accuracy and it is simply a no-brainer that he mains this ADC.
Shedeur Sanders; Yunara</h2>
In the year 2026 of our Lord, Sanders is Yunara. Shedeur was pretty good when he was first introduced, a bit unbalanced, but quickly fell off. This happens with all new and hyped introductions though. Balance will be found in the long run, but for now hes fallen off a bit. Maybe he gets a rework in the off season.
Dak Prescott; Samira</h2>
Highly mobile? Check. Annoying if the matchup is right? Check.
Jameis Winston; Draven</h2>
Boom or bust. We're talking fest or famine. Final outcomes are highly dependent on the early game. However, that being said, when the dunk master pops off the game is decided.
Jared Goff; Shaco</h2>
Goff's mastery of the fakeout, the play action pass, and lack of deep range lines up well with Shaco. Limited mobility, timing based, and at times can be completely ignored. If me makes the right read its deadly but if action is happening halfway down the map then we're in trouble.
Justin Herbert; Taliah</h2>
Herbert is a well rounded QB. He can play back, has mobility, and can also go deeper when needed. Herbert is Taliah in her prime, throwing rocks and hitting the gas when needed.
Brock Purdy; Silas</h2>
Purdy shines as an adaptive player, taking on the persona that best fits the situation. He is a man of many skins, and that makes him the perfect Silas' ult stealing. Mobile when he needs to be, but has the ability to shape himself to the scenario at hand.
Joe Flacco; Galio</h2>
Built like a brick shit house that goes deep. Thick with two Cs, he'll come in out of nowhere (retirement) and fuck shit up. That being said he's also strong, breaking tackles left and right. Truly a force to be reckoned with.
Jordan Love; Xerath</h2>
Xerath lines up nearly perfectly with Love. Tight, localized lasers with that deep unforgiving ult. Hits you out of nowhere and leaves you saying "What the fuck was that". Love's caused broken remotes, Xerath has caused broken keyboards. Both caused by that devastating range when needed.
Jaxson Dart; Naafiri</h2>
The Giant's D-Line is reminiscent of Naafiri's bullshit Packmates. They'll keep you distracted as he goes for some other bullshit. Aggressive mobility, hard to hit, and dancing around the field like a shitty absolute. An absolute dog, which lines up with the Giant's record.
Kenny Pickett; Taric</h2>
Absolutely useless. Nothing else to say.

Bran Podziemski, First Of His Name, Ascends Throne After Defeating Kings With 30 Point Game.

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 12:55:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- Recently Basketball has been reminding me too much of Game of Thrones and other popular fantasy.

A young guy name Bran seems to have some kind of super powers recently.</li>
Kings are always being defeated, particularly by a group of Warriors who worship a large "Golden Bridge"</li>
Light the Beam? Derivative of the Beacons lit when Gondor calls for aid.</li>
I want to say the NBA ripped the whole points thing off from Dumbledore.</li>
Adam Silver is a vampire.</li>
It is a game played pretty much exclusively by giants.</li>
It is reminiscent of the ōllamaliztli game from the Aztecs, where a rubber ball was kicked through stone hoops.</li>
You show up to a game, and drink a magic potion that make you fight others.</li> </ul>
While I'd say that the recent shuffle of college football coaches and NFL coach/reporter scandals are more George R. R. Martin esque, basketball has a bit more whimsy.
Other than that it is a pretty normal event.

Mike Vrabel is a Victim. Noone should be forced to coach the post-Brady Patriots.

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 09 Apr 2026 15:33:00 -0700

BOSTON -- Noone should be forced to have Bill Belichick's sloppy seconds, and I'm in no way referring to Jordan Hudson. If you use the internet, you'll see that a certain Patrios head coach has been caught leaking state secrets to a literal terrorist.
When did Mike Vrabel first make contact with Osama bin Laden? It was one balmy summer day in a north eastern hotel room while he was Defensive coordinator of the Texas. He betrayed the great nation of Texas, spilling oil secrets, and that was the beginning of the end.
He slowly worked his way up the leaker chain, next was TMZ, then Shams. It finally ended with Dianna Russini of the Athletic. Was our man misguided? It's unclear. But all we know is that he has officially hit rock bottom. Absolutely noone should have to coach the Patriots in 2026.

IZZY, DDP, AND THE “REAL AFRICAN” ARC: A STORY OF PRIDE, PAIN, AND PERMANENT GROUP CHAT RECEIPTS

Daddy Dumbass — Sat, 28 Mar 2026 14:30:00 -0700

SACRAMENTO -- There are losses...and then there are losses that get screenshotted, bookmarked, and brought up in every argument until the end of time.
Israel Adesanya’s 2024 loss to Dricus Du Plessis? Yeah, that one came with a thick lore book.
Because this wasn’t just about belts, rankings, or who gets to do the cooler walkout next time.
No, this one came with the now infamous “Real African” storyline. And ever since that night, the MMA universe has been treating it like a historical document.

THE BUILD-UP: WHEN TRASH TALK TURNS INTO A TED TALK</h3>
Leading up to the fight, things got "philosophical".
You had Adesanya, born in Nigeria, raised in New Zealand, repping Africa with the confidence of a man who brings a flag and a choreographed entrance.
Then you had Du Plessis, the South African who basically said, “I’m the real African champion,” and somehow turned a title fight into a geography debate that nobody was prepared to moderate.
Suddenly, fans weren’t just watching tape—they were checking maps.

FIGHT NIGHT: WHEN THE ARGUMENT NEEDED A WINNER</h3>
The stakes were clear:
Winner gets the belt. Loser gets quoted forever.
Adesanya came in sharp, composed, ready to silence the narrative.
Du Plessis came in like a guy who doesn’t care about narratives, physics, or your expectations of striking fundamentals.
And then...it happened.
DDP wins.
Just like that, the argument didn’t end, it got a permanent headline.

POST-FIGHT: THE LONGEST SILENCE IN MMA HISTORY</h3>
You know that moment when you say something confidently in a group chat and then immediately get proven wrong?
Now imagine that, but in front of millions of people.
That’s the vibe.
Since that night, every Adesanya performance has had this invisible cloud hanging over it. Not even from analysts but from the internet, which has decided this will never be let go.

“History says DDP got the last word.” “That’s tough.” “Couldn’t be me.” </blockquote>
There’s no stat for it, but if there were, it’d be called Narrative Control Loss (NCL) and Izzy’s currently leading the league.

THE INTERNET (AS ALWAYS) HANDLES IT PERFECTLY</h3>
MMA fans, known for their calm and respectful takes, have been extremely normal about all this.
A few highlights:

“Man brought a speech to a fight and left with a lesson.” </blockquote>

“DDP didn’t just win, he closed the argument.” </blockquote>
“That one’s staying on your record AND your soul.”
And of course, the coldest take of all:

“Some fights you lose. Some debates you never recover from.” </blockquote>

DDP: JUST OUT HERE EXISTING MENACINGLY</h3>
Meanwhile, Du Plessis continues his run like nothing unusual happened.
No dramatic speeches. No grand explanations.
Just vibes, awkward angles, and wins that look like they shouldn’t work but absolutely do.
It’s like watching someone win a golf scramble using only a putter...and you can’t even be mad about it.

CAN IZZY REWRITE THE STORY?</h3>
Here’s the thing about sports—everything is fixable… eventually.
One big win, one dominant performance, and suddenly the narrative shifts.
But until then?
That “Real African” moment is sitting there. Waiting. Lurking. Like an old tweet you forgot to delete.

FINAL THOUGHTS</h3>
Every fighter takes losses.
But not every fighter loses a fight and the comment section at the same time.
Israel Adesanya is still one of the most talented fighters on the planet. That hasn’t changed.
But in the strange, chaotic, undefeated arena of public perception?
Dricus Du Plessis might’ve landed the cleanest shot of all.
And the internet will never stop replaying it.

After DUI, Tiger Woods Signs With The University of Georgia Bulldogs

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 27 Mar 2026 16:39:00 -0700

ATLANTA -- Since retiring from touring with the PGA and his LIV rejection Tiger Woods has been busy with two major things, his exceedingly entertaining TGL simulated golf league, and trying to break into college football. As luck would have it, TGL is broadcast whenever I'm at my Dave and Busters and Tiger just completed the Bulldog's initiation ritual, the famed DUI.
While he is set to red shirt to return to pique physical condition, as long has he continues to hit the bottle and get behind the wheel of a Toyota Corolla we're sure he'll have a very successful career. Lets hope he can keep his grades up.

Draymond Green DESTROYS Ref With FACTS And LOGIC

Nathan Graves — Sat, 21 Mar 2026 08:21:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO, California – After 14 seasons of arguing with NBA referees, Warriors star Draymond Green finally got through to an official over a foul call he didn’t agree with, and he did it by absolutely crushing the ref with facts and logic.
The argument took place early in the second quarter of Wednesday’s game against the Celtics when Draymond was called for a pushing foul away from the ball. The whistle was blown by Scott Foster, an NBA ref of 31 seasons.
As soon as the game stopped, Draymond began clapping his hands and stomping toward Foster.
“Baby girl!” Draymond shouted over an extra dancy remix of “Lights” by Ellie Goulding. “You gotta understand what a foul is! Do you know what a foul is? Have you heard of a foul?”
Teammate De’Anthony Melton, averaging a career best 13.1 points in his first season with the Warriors, moved quickly to get between Draymond and Foster.
“Here’s a fact for you, Scott- This is my arm. My arm. Do you see what I’m pointing at? Good. Okay- This is his arm. My arm touched his arm here. My arm touched his arm here, and that’s not a foul. My arm touched him here. My arm touched his arm here. Not a foul. His arm here. And how do you know what you saw? Can you trust your memories? You know about how you can’t trust your memories, right Scott?”
At this point Brandin Podziemski and Will Richard, averaging 12.9 and 6.7 points respectively, were also trying to deescalate Draymond and avoid him getting yet another technical foul.
“How do you know what you saw, Scott? What did it look like? Did you see my arm touch his arm here? Cause my arm touched his arm here. My arm touched his arm here. Memories get warped, Mr. Foster. My arm touched him here. My arm touched his arm here. My arm touched his arm here. Memories get warped, Mr. Foster. So you have to believe, believe in the memories that were actually playing basketball- that’s right, playing, not policing, and leeching off, groveling in submission to the only way you could stay on the court and hold onto basketball- cause you was never good enough, you was never gonna make it to the NBA, and you knew it, so you sold out to be a parasite, a henchman- all because you couldn’t have something you wanted. And you make money off it, don’t you Scott? You make money off it, and now, forevermore, the love in your life will be lesser, because you have poisoned your love for the game of basketball- you’ve perverted it, made a fool of it, violated it- you've violated it!”
After this comment, just as “Lights” by Ellie Goulding was dropping into the third chorus, Draymond finally turned away and cooled down. Foster did not reverse the call, but he also did not issue a technical foul.
The game continued as Jaylen Brown came to the sideline to inbound the ball. Foster then collapsed on the court, only to get up moments later and walk out of the arena and into the parking lot, and he was never seen again.

Hamilton Seals Ferraris’ Fate

Bicky Robby — Mon, 16 Mar 2026 19:25:00 -0700

In usual Formula 1 antics, we are seeing another year of uncertainty due to new rules, regulations, and restrictions. In a time where any roadblock can mean the win or loss of another season, there is no reason to put extra pressure on the drivers. Team Principals have confirmed the pressure is rising in the pre-pre-season as all cars have transformed thanks to the leagues new rules. With this in mind, we cannot help to question Lewis Hamilton’s decision to allegedly start appearing publicly with Kim Kardashian. Kris Humphries, Reggie Bush, Lamar Odom and now the 8 times world champion Lewis Hamilton have all traded the beauty for the bench; damsel for DNF. With such trying times in the league, and especially after fans thinking this would be Hamilton’s transition into a perfect season, one can only wonder why he would succumb to the “Kardashian Curse.”

Lisa Vittozzi Crowned Italy’s First Gold Medal Snow Assassin

Nathan Graves — Sat, 21 Feb 2026 16:19:00 -0800

MILAN, Italy – Lisa Vittozzi has won Italy’s first-ever gold medal in Snow Assassination following a terrifyingly convincing performance in Sunday’s 10-kilometer Pursuit. Vittozzi hit all 20 of her targets without missing and completed the course in 30 minutes and 11 seconds, a full 30 seconds ahead of the runner-up.
This is Vittozzi’s third Olympic Games and her first gold medal. She did most of her training near her hometown of Pieve di Cadore, but she has also done work in Siberia, Tibet, and Massachusetts.
While most sports in the Winter Olympics are based on some everyday skill, Vittozzi’s chosen event revolves around stealthy murder in winter conditions. Informally known as Biathlon, the sport requires competitors to ski through the woods with a rifle strapped to their back, stopping along the way to shoot targets made to look like snitches and heads of state.
Commentators and fans alike hailed Vittozzi’s performance as her best yet, noting how she skied with incredible speed and silence and seemed to hit every target without a second thought.
The 31-year-old smiled wide as she received her first gold medal and was quick to make it clear her career is far from over.
“This has been really good experience,” said Vittozzi. “And of course it’s exciting to win gold for my country, but mostly I see this as extra training for my next job.”

I Finished Last In Fantasy Football; What It Taught Me About B2B Sales

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 02 Feb 2026 17:40:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- The field of Fantasy Football is surprisingly akin to a cold sales call. One enters the Snake Draft not completely knowing what the other side is thinking. Except, this is a dodecagon, there are 11 other sides in the case of a stacked Fantasy league. You don't know what their budget is, what their risk tolerance is, or what their broader strategy is for that quarter.
I come in last place nearly every year in Fantasy, and I've made $0 in commissions since starting my new role as Head of Sales. I don't really see a correlation. That doesn't really matter though, because I do share the same strategy in the Bottom of the Funnel as I do when I'm being called a bottom in the group chat.
Never Surrender; Never Show Weakness</h2>
The keystone to both my sales approach and Fantasy strats are unadulterated aggression and refusal to play nice.
First and foremost, do not propose nor accept any trades, regardless of how grievous the injury. For example, I drafted Patrick Mahomes this season (the Year of our Lord 2026). After his injury</a> did I made a weak trade hoping to get some third rate receiver just incase he came back and lead the Chiefs to the Superbowl again?
No, I drafted Stafford in the first round. This is my sales strategy. Which it comes to horse trading, make sure you bring a gun. We're here to steal horses, not trade them. We don't Open the Kimono to any Tom, Dick, or Harry.
Don't Meet Them Half Way; Make Them Come To Your House</h2>
Our organization doesn't have "Solutions Engineers." We're not here to "help you with your problems." We're here to sell. It is up to you to figure out how to work the product into your use-case. This is a sure-fire way to avoid doing any actual work or analysis. You find need to smell the desperation.
How does this relate to Fantasy Football? Great question. I don't build my lineup based on some supposed Synergy. My D-Line is playing against my Quarter Back? I call that hedging. Someones gotta win, and averages rarely go to zero. My WRs and TEs are on 4 different teams while 3 of them run the ball and my QB is known for the Hail Mary? That's a dynamo. I don't check what they want, I check what I need. And what I need is to get off the shitty ESPN app ASAP.
Forget To Follow Up</h2>
What even is a bye-week? You think I circle back offline? I can't even set my lineup consistently. No way in God's green Earth will I schedule a canned email 2 weeks from now to see "where we're at with the proposal." Suck me.
Fin</h2>
I have the Head of Sales title at 4 organizations for one reason: I keep getting fired. I have last place in Fantasy because I literally don't understand Football. But, I keep getting hired and I keep spending $50/year to play in my League. Can't say I'm a total failure.
My B2B sales strategy is ripped straight from my Fantasy Football playbook. I come in last every year, and have made $0 in commissions.

Supreme Court Upholds Ban On Joey Lucchesi’s Weird “Churve” Pitch

Nathan Graves — Sat, 31 Jan 2026 09:32:00 -0800

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Supreme Court on Friday upheld a congressional ban on MLB pitcher Joey Lucchesi’s trademark throw, a unique changeup curveball that he calls a “churve.”
Lucchesi, currently a free agent, is the only player known to throw the unconventional pitch. He is also the only player mentioned in the ban, which was passed in July 2025 as part of The One Big Beautiful Bill and enforced three months ago when Lucchesi was released from The San Francisco Giants.
After catching wind of a legal challenge from Lucchesi’s lawyers, SCOTUS quickly heard the case and announced its decision to uphold the ban.
“It’s unnatural,” said Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who wrote the majority opinion in the court’s ruling. “Apple pie, I mean baseball, is American as apple pie. It needs to be played the right way or not at all.”
Barrett went on to quote directly from Focus on the Family, particularly the claim that an unencumbered Lucchesi could influence the nation’s youth to pursue nontraditional pitches and view experimentation in a dangerously positive light.
Justice Brett Kavanaugh, noticeably angered by the topic, said, “Look, this changeup curveball- I’m not gonna call it that ridiculous name- whatever this stupid “pitch” that Lucchesi’s been throwing is- it’s not right. It’s not. Those f-----’ Padres should’ve hazed this out of him when he was a rookie- but whatever- we’re gonna figure something out at the next meet-up for Beach Week Ralph Club.”

Start Star Sign Maxxing Your NFL Bets Next Season

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 17 Jan 2026 13:02:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Gentlemen. Your girlfriend and the ancient Greeks were onto something. The key to parlays that land aren't in advanced analytics tools, insane Excel charts, or personal databases. Your Over/Unders won't hit based on how well you know both team's offensive and defensive lines. Your lightning pick, first quarter sure-things won't be a sure thing unless you do one thing. You must ensure that your bets align with not only your star sign but also the teams' star sign. This, is starsignmaxxing. The newest way to ensure that you're kicked off DraftKings and PrizePicks for winning too much.
5thQuarterSport's expert betting analysts didn't plan on this ground breaking discovery, it was much more happenstance. We were backtesting a classical machine learning algorithm on historical betting data and found this shocking strategy. There is a direct correlation from our (not overtrained) model on the optimal betting strategy. When the opposing team's signs are crossed, and your's is aligned with one, that is the side you most bet for or against. Only in this circumstance will a bet be highly probable to succeed. Sports bettors must put their favoritism in the back seat. Trust the process. Monitor the situation. Nothing ever happens except fat dubs when you listen to the stars.
The ancients used these stars to navigate the globe. This is all the proof you need. They gambled with their very lives on the stars. Your girlfriend? She gambled her future happiness on alignment. So why don't you trust your same game parlays with the very same mechanism?
More research needs to be done if rising / falling signs need to be taken into account. We will report back with full findings once the model has finished processing the historic data.

Mayor Zohran Mamdani Announces Bold New Economic Plan: “League of Legends Shutdown Gold”

Daddy Dumbass — Fri, 16 Jan 2026 17:02:00 -0800

In a press conference that began with the words “Okay chat, hear me out,” Mayor Zohran Mamdani unveiled what experts are calling either the dumbest or smartest economic policy of the decade: increasing bounties in League of Legends as a means of addressing wealth inequality.
Standing at a podium awkwardly branded with both the city seal and a poorly stretched Summoner’s Rift minimap, Mamdani explained that traditional approaches to wealth redistribution have “low engagement, bad patch notes, and zero highlight clips,” whereas League of Legends has numbers, data, and most importantly, a mute button.
“If one Yasuo main is 7/0 at 12 minutes,” Mamdani said, adjusting his glasses while a Riot Games loading spinner appeared behind him, “that’s not meritocracy. That’s hoarding resources. We are simply redistributing gold to the underfarmed.”
We attempted to contact Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to see if she had any sway in this collation but sadly she did not respond on discord as she is hard stuck in Silver since Sander's lost his presidential campaign back in 2016.
How the Plan Works</h2>
Under Mamdani’s proposal, any player who gets too far ahead will now be worth even more shutdown gold, allowing struggling teammates—and enemies—to re-enter the game with dignity.
Key components of the plan include:

A 1,500 gold bounty for anyone who types “gg ez” before 15 minutes</li>
Progressive taxation on CS leads (every 10 CS over your lane opponent gets donated to the jungler who never ganked)</li>
Universal Basic Income in ARAM (everyone starts with a Needlessly Large Rod because vibes)</li> </ul>

“This isn’t punishment,” Mamdani clarified. “It’s balance. Also Riot already does this, I’m just claiming credit.” </blockquote>
Billionaires in Shambles (Diamond Players Furious)</h2>
The city’s most elite players—those sitting on massive KDA portfolios and offshore gold leads—were quick to criticize the move.
“This is anti-carry,” said one visibly upset Zed main while recalling to base with 3,200 unspent gold. “I earned this lead by smurfing in Silver. Why should a 0/6 Garen get to one-shot me just because I misplayed once?”
Meanwhile, low-elo players celebrated in the streets (and by streets we mean Discord servers).
“For the first time,” said a 1/9 Jinx main, “my existence matters.”
Economists Weigh In</h2>
Traditional economists were initially skeptical until Mamdani presented a graph showing that comebacks are more fun, at which point most of them nodded and asked if this applied to student loans. One analyst noted, “This is essentially Keynesian economics, but with dragons.”
What’s Next?</h2>
When asked if this model could be expanded beyond League of Legends, Mamdani didn’t hesitate.

Housing: Anyone with three houses gets invaded at level 3</li>
Stock Market: If your portfolio is up too much, a random Teemo appears</li> </ul>
At press time, Riot Games had not officially commented, though an anonymous developer was overheard saying, “We were gonna do that anyway.”
As the mayor wrapped up the conference, he left reporters with one final thought:

“A fair society is like a balanced game. Sometimes you need to punish the fed carry so everyone else can still have hope.” </blockquote>
Then he flashed Mastery 7, missed the Q, and walked off stage.

The NFL Initiated a Coach Shuffle To Distract From Referee Corruption

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 10 Jan 2026 18:39:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The list of coaches that the NFL has fired or is considering to force out is dramatic and long. Has the NFL become some kind of Days of Our Lives or Game of Thrones style drama? We dig into the facts. Let's list which coaches have been removed:

Pete Carroll</li>
Mike McDaniel</li>
John Harbaugh</li>
Kevin Stefanski</li>
Jonathan Gannon</li>
Raheem Morris</li> </ol>
The only way to describe this is a blood bath. Unfortunately it is all a grand ruse. These men are but tribute to the grander scheme of the scandal that is rocking the NFL. This scandal is RefGate.
It is well known that sports gambling has penetrated all aspects of the NFL for quite some time. Online sports book ads are in all levels of the sport as well as broadcasting. These are money printing machines, with nearly pure profit. However, are their results random? Or, is there influence?
It is no secret that the referees have been making strangely perfect calls and extremely precise moments that would benefit a handful of people with exotic bets. Can an entire game be preplanned? No, that is fantasy. But can a game be subtly influenced on someone who is say arbitraging parlays across multiple risky bets? Quite possibly yes, but unlikely.
What is more likely is that the referees have a direct line to the sports books who are optimizing their losses. Say the game between the Steelers and Lions, where the ref's call practically ruined the conference. Was this a calculated call due to an overwhelming amount of potential losses? We lean towards yes. Indeed. This was not an isolated incident.
What, in response to this, does the NFL do? They decide to pull the ol' switch-a-roo. The kill the cast, and jump the shark. Coaches go down left and right. Is it arguable that there wasn't a single elite NFL team this season, a season that was plagued by injuries? A fair argument.

Former Ravens Head Coach John Harbaugh To Coach At Michigan

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 17:04:00 -0800

ANN ARBOR -- In with the old, out with the new. Former Baltimore Ravens</a> Head Coach has left in disgrace. Instead of fighting through the currently turbulent NFL coaching rotation Harbaugh has decided to look elsewhere. Somewhere less problematic</a> than an NFL team. Somewhere that just so happens to recently have had a Harbaugh sized hole ripped through it's chest.
Kyle Whittingham tragically missed the sterile environment that is the state of Utah and has decided to depart (he doesn't NOT like a beer that is over 5% ABV.) He decided to return to his long-time home and watch his kids convert to LDS. So, Michigan scrambled once again to fill it's Head Coaching position. They reached back out to Jimmy Harbaugh, who we hear is seducing models and teaching Justin Herbert how to read chapter books in Los Angeles now that he is head coach of the Chargers. He then gave them the number of his major screw-up brother, John, who just so happened to be out of a job at that time and thankfully out of jail. That is the story of how Michigan managed to wrangle it's second Head Harbaugh.
Will John succeed in the rough and tumble world of CFB after his years in the cushy position of an NFL head coach as a Superbowl winner? There isn't a clear answer. It might help that he was once a coach at Western Michigan back in 1984, but they're only a D1 school by technicalities.
Whatever happens, we're glad that Michigan has a Harbaugh back at the helm. Whichever one. We just hope he convinces Lamar Jackson to pursue a PhD.

Conformity Gate Was Wrong: No Wednesday Night Football

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 07 Jan 2026 17:57:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Once again, I've fallen for an internet hoax. But this time it is even worse. I misinterpreted what Conformity Gate even means. I was under the impression that this was the NFL introducing Wednesday Night Football to yet another streaming platform, and not a hidden episode of Stranger Things.
That is the LAST time I believe an AI generated image of a "NFL Insider" on Twitter who only speaks in memes.

Justin Herbert's Girlfriend Madison Beer Revealed to be AI-generated Hologram by Coors

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 06 Jan 2026 08:14:00 -0600

SACRAMENTO -- Sometimes love is meant to be. Sometimes, love is a multi million dollar scheme to sell beer that is as cold as the Rockies. In a shocking twist leaked internal documents from the Molson Coors Beverage Company show that Madison Beer, girlfriend of the Chargers star quarterback Justin Herbert, doesn't actually exist. Those hundreds of Instagram pictures? AI. The videos, the true crime podcasts appearances, the romantasy readings on Spotify? AI. This could be the best use of AI by a major company, so good even that it has caused what is technically classified as mass psychosis. This is the MK-Ultra architects' wet dream.
Herbert could not be reached for comment. The Molson Coors Beverage Company would not even pick up our calls. We forgot Madison Beer was an AI temporarily and tried to reach out to her for a quote as well to no avail, the same Molson Coors Beverage Company answering machine screened us.

Simmons Is Taking Jokić's Place On The Nuggests Against The 76ers. Revenge Game

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 17:31:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Simmons wants to stick it to the Sixers for the last time. In the upcoming game against the Sixers, Simmons will put in effort that he never had there and go head to head against his old team. Some are calling it the decision of a century, for a HoF talent to put in the time and energy to do something great. We're glad he is getting off of Reddit for once</a>, there are even rumours of him attending practice this week.
Is Simmons the Shaq of our time, a generational talent who refused to practice a Free Throw? Hard to say. But, he'll be more lithe on the court compared to whomst he is replacing and maybe that's all that matters in this current game. The fuel of anger stems from the fines and seeing Doc River's picture in the Clippers locker room every day has been festering for years. That rage? It has been channeled into pure performance.
It isn't abundantly clear to us how the League allows this substitution given he is also playing later this evening against the Warriors, but we're excited to see a double-header in the NBA. Maybe this will be adopted from the MLB, who knows.
We reached out to Jokić for comment but he just looked at us menacingly. It makes sense how he can break horses just through his gaze.

Oakland Athletics To Move To Venezuela Instead of Las Vegas

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 03 Jan 2026 14:40:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The West Sacramento</del></a> Oakland Athletics have made a major announcement this afternoon. Originally they had planned to move to Las Vegas in the former Tropicana site for the 2028 season, and abandon the hellscape that is Sutter Field. However, we live in dynamic times and baseball real estate and talent acquisition opportunities move quickly. In a press conference earlier today Athletics owner John Fisher announced that instead of their final destination being in Las Vegas they instead are now breaking ground for a new stadium in Caracas, Venezuela. The site will be on the former tomb of Hugo Chavez.
Few good things are to come to the US's military intervention in Venezuela. Most of all the fact that Fisher will not "Sell The Team", as the fans have been chanting for time immemorial. That being said, there is an extremely strong baseball culture in Venezuela. MVP Ronald Acuña Jr., José Altuve, and Salvador Pérez are all native to, or of Venezuela descent, to name a few examples. We think that a team will flourish in the rich talent of Venezuela, and we are excited at the prospects of official MLB teams in the Caribbean. Is a Trinidad and Tobago team up next?
The real upside is that Las Vegas doesn't get another sports team for literally no reason in a city that is dying due to the decrease in drinking in the US population and the fall in discretionary income.

Top 5 NFL Players Who Would Have Helped Capture Maduro

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 03 Jan 2026 07:11:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- We live in wild times, and the 5th Quarter Sports staff is here to report the facts on all current events happening in the world. We are here to ease your anxiety riddled mind with facts and journalism which is straight to the point. Let's get straight to the point: President Maduro of Venezuela was captured by the US. This isn't the 1930s, the US can't just invade or occupy a country in South America without internal tensions instead of internal exaltations as we did when we invaded...well nearly all of them I assume. Nicaragua comes to mind, but realistically this action is just par for the course historically.
Anyways, we break down which NFL players were most likely to jump into a Chinook and light up the capital of a sovereign nation. What players would step up to stem the alleged flow of drugs and guns from entering the US? Let's find out.
5. Maxx Crosby</h2>
Crosby has hungout with Trump at UFC events. He is an admirer of his policies and style choices. It is rumored that a picture of Crosby will hang in the new East Wing Ballroom. This slots Crosby at #5 on our list. Crosby would always show up for the GOAT. We know Crosby can perform under pressure, but we don't quite know the level of pressure that this would extend to. This justifies his placement. He is a great Defensive End, his natural instinct is to force a fumble. Much like a pitpull ripping the face off of a child, we're worried that Crosby's base intuition will take over and force a fumble over the Caribbean as they cart Maduro back to the Land of the Free. He is here for the vibes but we're not sure of much else at this point.
4. Bo Nix</h2>
Now, Nix is an outspoken opponent of Donald Trump and his policies. I get why you, reader, are skeptical of his placement at #4 on this list. It is also conflicting for Nix himself. Nix has spoken at the No Kings rally in the past and had even had to go as far as delete his social media presence due to the outrage his statements had caused. But, down to his core, Nix embodies fairness and freedom. He sees with his own eyes that the citizens of Venezuela are under duress and great harm. For this reason, he'd answer the call. There would be unwillingness, and internal strife, but we know that Nix would show up based on intrinsic principles. There might even be a small smirk as his rockets slam into Hugo Chavez's tomb.
3. Hunter Henry</h2>
Hunter Henry is the rock of the Patriots and the best safety in the league. That being said, most people from Boston that I've met have a strong dislike for anything south of the border. I'm pretty sure there is a blanket ban on areperas in the state of MA. This places Henry at number 3. Not because of anything personally about him, but as a victim of circumstance. He'd hold it down.
2. Harrison Butker</h2>
Butker values and embodies tradition and has Christ in his heart. These are admirable and truly American traits to have. Do these immediately show a willingness to throw Maduro into a burlap sack and fly him over the ocean? Not necessarily. But, if this mission was properly guised as some kind of mass conversion event its possible that Butker could be convinced.
1. Nick Bosa</h2>
Nick Bosa is on the top of the list of NFL player's who want to Make America Great Again. Bosa is in the number one slot for being a true patriot. He has already been volunteering for ICE, so his free time is already limited. This almost eliminated him from he #1 spot, but we know that he would answer the call of duty whenever it happens. The question now is: would he cower in the helicopter, or would he storm the capital? We guess given the invite Nick Bosa would storm the capital.

NCAA Transfer Portal Suffers Data Breach

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 02 Jan 2026 14:34:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The NCAA Transfer Portal has suffered a massive data breach at the worst time: when players are trying to transfer. No Personally Identifying Information (PII) was leaked and subsequently sold on the dark web, besides player's names, addresses, social security numbers, transcripts, class schedules, deepest fears, biggest dreams, religions, and permanent records. This is NOT available for purchase at this link to the dark web</a>.
It is reported that, much like the cogs in the machine of cooperate America, players have been flooded with emails of AI generated transfer offers. Some players, most notably kickers, have accidentally gone through with the entire process. After multiple rounds of calls involving people with strong accents, buying and redeeming gift cards, and providing 2 step verification numbers sent through SMS that clearly say "DO NOT SHARE THIS", Max Gilbert has successfully transferred to Ole Miss.
We will continue to monitor this data leak scenario and report back specifically with phone numbers so you can call and text your favorite players.
I love you.

There is a reason that Lane Kiffin left Ole Miss for LSU. Release the Lanestein files.

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 02 Jan 2026 09:47:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- There is a cover up the size of which has not been seen. Millions of dollars. Hundreds of man hours. All to protect one man: Lane Kiffin. This is a systemic cover up, psyop, and conspiracy committed by the heads of the athletic department at Ole Miss. We at 5thQuarterSports will not sit by idly while this transpires.
We've all used Signal, Whatsapp, Twitter DMs, you name the encrypted messaging platform to snag some of that sweet college tang. Most of us do it when we're in the prime age of 17-23. Others a bit later, 24-28. Lane Kiffin? Age 50. I get it, we're all consenting adults (hopefully, there is heavy redactions in these files), but it still isn't super cash money when you're in a position of that nature.
Our inside sources detail the level of editing which had taken place. Redactions of mentions of coaching staff, player's names who's girlfriends got private tackling drills, and more. A systemic scrubbing. Harddrives wiped with magnets. Cellphones microwaved. Forced hypnosis undergone to erase the memories. But this cover up ends here, and we are shouting it from the rooftops.
And now? Now begins the Exodus. The coaching staff of Ole Miss have wandered through the Southern Conference for 40 days and 40 nights. Now they've finally settled in their Israel: LSU. They'll be chanting Tiger Bait instead of jailbait. but trust us, we will not be taking the bait on this one. We want closure and truth.
The light of day will shine upon all things hidden in the shadows, Lane Kiffin.
UPDATE: The saga continues. Ole Miss just hit the lottery for Kiffin who needs to be paid out his performance bonus by LSU. When will justice be served</a>?

USA's 2026 Olympic Hockey Roster Would Be Better If Canada Was Annexed

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 02 Jan 2026 08:35:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- While we discussed in the past</a> that the annexation of Canada into the US would be absolutely devastating for the NHL, we had not considered how much of a boon it would be for the USA Olympic hockey team. It is widely accepted that on the international stage the US's popularity has been on rocky ground, what with the bombing of nuclear facilities overseas and the extra-judicial killings of South American fishermen. The US can take one of two directions.
1. The Chill Out Route</h2>
The US could return to a seat of benevolence by refunding things like US AID, international vaccination efforts, scholastic book fairs, etc. Rebuilding the good will that it has recently trashed would be an arduous journey, but it still might not be too late. This however will not help the US Olympic Hockey team.
What will happen is the US not getting gold. It is well known that Bill Guerin is well intentioned by building a roster of killers and psychos, but not star power. However the 4 Nations have tapped Tampa Bay Lightning HC Jon Cooper is building literally Voltron. A well oiled team who's sum is greater than it's parts.
The US has no chance.
2. The "Dr. Evil" Route</h2>
Here is where things get interesting. The US annexes Canada, not only removing them from the contention but also absorbing their player base. Keep the team but adding MacKinnon and McDavid would be a no brainer. They'd have to invent a new metal for how well the US team would win. Maybe tungsten or some rare-earth metal like neodymium.
The US's reputation would be shattered irreparably but it would be worth it for that sweet sweet tungsten.
5thQuarterSports does not endorse the US governments threats to annex Canada. But we do think any steps necessary to secure the win are justified.

Brandon Aiyuk Retires From NFL, Joins Haas Factory NASCAR Team

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 31 Dec 2025 14:43:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- 49ers wide receiver Brandon Aiyuk hasn't been seen by his team in months, and his absense has team members and the media concerned. Just the other day he posted a video of himself driving quite fast through a 40mph size hear Levi's stadium (stadium unrelated to the current mayor of San Francisco, Daniel Lurie). 5thQuarterSports has actually received word on the current wherabouts and ongoings with Brandon Aiyuk.
He is joining NASCAR. That speeding video? That is training camp. This explains his extended absense. He has been under an intense driving regimine. Now, we're not saying he'll be the next Cal Naughton Jr. but we do have faith that the Haas team will train him well for the next race, the Cook Out Clash at Bowman Gray Stadium. Given the newness of the recently formed Haas Factory Team we're sure there will be some bumps as the kinks of the team are worked out. The start will be rocky though.
Aiyuk is to announce his retirement from the NFL later this week and announce his new position in Haas at the same press conference.
Gene Haas could not be reached for comment.

Tip-Off at Bedtime: How the NBA Declared War on New Dads Everywhere

Daddy Dumbass — Tue, 30 Dec 2025 18:13:00 -0800

By the time the Kings and Clippers tip off at 8:00 p.m. on December 30th, 2025, millions of Americans will already be deep into their nightly routines. Teeth brushed. Pajamas on. White noise machines humming like jet engines. Meanwhile, the NBA—an organization worth roughly one kajillion dollars—will once again look directly into the exhausted eyes of new dads and say, “That sounds like a you problem.”
Because 8:00 p.m. isn’t just a start time anymore.
It’s a lifestyle choice.
And frankly, an aggressive one.
Once upon a time, 8:00 p.m. meant you’d casually sit down with a beer, maybe order some wings, and watch basketball until midnight without consequence. Now? 8:00 p.m. is when your baby finally might fall asleep, assuming Mercury isn’t in retrograde and the pacifier hasn’t inexplicably vanished into another dimension. New dads don’t watch NBA games anymore.
We monitor them.
We follow along like Cold War analysts, checking box scores every three minutes while rocking a human burrito who screams if you sit down too fast. The Kings could go on a 14–0 run and you’d never know, because at that exact moment your child decided they hate silence and demand movement—specifically walking in slow circles like you’re summoning a basketball demon.
The NBA insists these late starts are for “ratings” and “West Coast viewers.” But let’s be honest: the league has clearly never met a man who has to be up at 5:12 a.m. because his baby believes that sunrise is a suggestion.
By the time Kings–Clippers tips off, new dads are already mentally negotiating.

“Okay, if I stay up through the first quarter, that’s basically watching the game.” </blockquote>

“Second quarter doesn’t really matter anyway.” </blockquote>

“I can just check the score in the morning and pretend I watched it.” </blockquote>
This is how fandom dies—not with a loss, but with a notification at 1:37 a.m. that says FINAL when you’ve been asleep for three hours. And don’t even get us started on halftime.
Halftime used to be a chance to grab a snack.
Now it’s an emotional trap.
You tell yourself,

“I’ll just stay up through halftime and then decide.” </blockquote>
But halftime lasts approximately the length of an entire Marvel movie, and somewhere between the fourth commercial break and the fifth preview for a game you’ll also be asleep for, your body shuts down like an iPhone at 1%.
Meanwhile, your phone is lighting up with group chat messages from your childless friends:

“DID YOU SEE THAT DUNK???”
“THIS GAME IS INSANE”
“BRO WHERE YOU AT” </blockquote>
Where are you at?
You’re in the nursery.
In the dark.
Holding a bottle.
Watching a live box score refresh like it’s the stock market in 2008.
The NBA loves to market itself as “family-friendly,” which is fascinating, because nothing says family values like scheduling your marquee matchups at a time when parents are deciding whether brushing their teeth is worth the energy expenditure. There’s a simple solution here.
Start games earlier.
Give us a 6:30 tip.
A 7:00 tip.
Heck, give us a 3:45 p.m. “Nap Time Classic.”
Until then, new dads will continue their sacred ritual: waking up, checking the final score, watching two highlights on mute, nodding thoughtfully, and saying, “Yeah, I caught most of it.”
No you didn’t.
But in your heart, you were there.
Somewhere between the first diaper change and the last yawn, the Kings and Clippers played a basketball game at 8:00 p.m. And for new dads everywhere, it might as well have happened on Mars.
Sleep wins.
It always does.

Nigerian Football Team Super Eagles To Move To Los Angeles After Super Chargers Downfall

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 30 Dec 2025 17:39:00 -0800

LOS ANGELGES -- Justin Herbert has let down the city of Los Angeles for the last time, and the City of Angles is now ready for a change. From Football (NFL) to Football (Sport of the World). With this transition the Nigerian national football team has been reported both excited and dismayed at this transition. They now have to compete both in the AFCON as well as Copa America. While an exciting opportunity, it does give schedule conflicts for the team. Both organizations have committed to making this work for the foreseeable future.
Wilfred Ndidi is reportedly ready to take the helm, and lead the team to success in this transition. While he has been playing for the Turkish Beşiktaş J.K. team, he is prepared to accept a new residence in Malibu, although some foot-dragging is involved in the decision. Istanbul is famously the center of all culture, as outlined in the song by "They Might Be Giants".
Fresh off their recent win against Uganda the Super Chargers are ready to take on anything, and yes, this includes rabid Dodgers fans.

I Went to TopGolf 50 Times This Year. An Honest Review.

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 30 Dec 2025 11:16:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Earlier this year, I moved down the street from a TopGolf (guess the location from the dateline). I'm not stranger to the links, I've played my fair amount and have been to courses across the Sacramento area. My favorite being The Ridge, with Lake of the Pines in spitting distance. I'm not saying I'm necessarily good at golf, my handicap is 28, but with the death of Point B in the world its something to besides bed rot while using my phone. Getting to the range has been challenging in general, and I've generally played more than I've practiced. This hasn't improved my game. That being said I'm not one to get upset over scores, shanked shots, or missed putts. I have resignation but not emotion. Golf is not playing against others, it is playing with yourself until you're raw.
So when I noticed my new proximity to the 3 story establishment, the Mecca of upper middle class child birthday parties, I decided to set a goal. Go once a week for the year. I didn't quite achieve that, things happen, but I did double-up or triple-up on some weeks to make up for the misses. I decided to finally organize my thoughts after going for such an extended period. Note, I wasn't unfamiliar with the establishment before going, I just hadn't attended with any regularity.
A brief rundown on the concept for those who don't know. TopGolfs are 3 story driving ranges which provide clubs (bring your own). They serve food and drinks. There is a screen which shows simulations of the balls, and you can play what are the equivalent of mobile games. It's a simple concept: what if they opened a driving range with food, full of children, that you also can't smoke at. It is like Abu Ghraib for girlfriends who don't like golf.
Golfing Alone</h2> By far the most I went was alone. I had never read the book Bowling Alone</a>, but the gist as I understand it is that there is a decline in social interaction in American life and general civic disinterest leading to the erosion of the American lifestyle and democracy. This resonated deeply with me probably around the 20th time I went, though I'm not sure if this was necessarily related to TopGolf as an establishment. I am assuming that I would have felt this way if the darts bar or a regular driving range, but the fact that this wave of emotion hit me in the relatively sterile environment of TopGolf was surreal. Instead of attending church and participating in a community I was instead alone, surrounded by strangers who themselves were often not alone. Instead of pamphleting for a political campaign I support, I instead drank 1-2 16oz Coors Lights at 10am. I didn't raise a family, I didn't write a novel. I hit golf balls onto turf and watched their simulated flight path, estimated top speed, and calculated distance on a screen.
I learned about myself this year at TopGolf, but maybe not enough. I learned that 300 balls in 90 minutes is no problem for me if I stick to two clubs and get "into the groove." What is "the groove?" To retrieve a ball one must wave their club head infront of the ball dispenser. A ball rolls out. You hit the ball. A simple formula. The "groove" is when these three steps happen in a fluid motion with no pausing inbetween. The club head goes from the perfect arc from between the legs, to the wind up, to the follow through, then back to the dispenser to the back right, and returns to center. This is where TopGolf shines for me. "The groove" is simply a gateway into the cost per ball optimization. The economics of TopGolf if you take few breaks and power through ball after ball is actually wild when compared to a real golf course when the math is done. $15 unlocks maybe 20 balls at some courses? TopGolf has a weekday morning deal for $15 ($45 for after 5pm work slots). That is 5 cents per ball. Unmatched value. One doesn't need to know what a pivot table or XLOOKUP is in Excel to get these numbers.
I feel a Zen equivalent to Bodhidharma drinking tea before meditation (the discovery of caffeine) when "the groove" is achieved. A simple motion, repeated for 90 minutes straight. The lights are on, noone is home. It is difficult for the roving waiters to rouse me from this stupor to ask if I need anything else.
When you attend with others the value drops significantly, but the exchange rate for social capital is rather high so it can be worth it. Often in a 90 minute session I'll struggle to break 100 while Practicing with others. What does "Practicing" mean in this context? Most of those familiar with TopGolf know about their games. Most recently Sonic and AngryBirds themed ones seem to dominate. But there exists two additional modes: Course, which simulates a small number of exotic and expensive courses, and Practice Mode, where you can just hit and measure your swing. Practice mode solo is pure efficiency. Practice mode with others can be an exercise in patience.
Demographics</h2>
If I could classify other broad slices of society that I observed into two categories I'd arbitrarily choose Golfers and Nongolfers. 80% of those would fall into the latter Nongolfer territory. These are the folks that atleast I associated with TopGolf: tween's birthday parties, cooperate team events, young adults on double dates. Most of whom had never touched a club in their life and who's form I was concerned would cause real damage to their bodies. These are people having fun. They eat some fried foods, some tacos, some pretzel bites (the best thing on the menu next to the tots). They drink a few beers/margs/house cabs. They go home, never to return.
The remaining 20% are the golfers, who are the most interesting to me. What people makes up the golfers? First and foremost, they're often initiating the TopGolf party with the noninitiates or atleast have been dragged along. They range from cocky to demure. Some coach, some gloat, some take it deadly serious. They're usually like the salt in the soup. Without them the flock of sheep are aimless. With their shepherd things take direction and form. More often than not when a real golfer attends with the nongolfers the groups seem to be a bit more lively, even if they're a bit douchey and show off too much.
The next up are my favorite: the other Alones. We bring our clubs at open or after work. Quiet, rarely talking to others, maybe a simple nod as we approach the little square of turf. Ages range from early 30s to late 70s. We've all done the math, we're here for two reasons. The first is the aforementioned cost efficiency. The second is the statistics. For the uninitiated the genius of TopGolf for the golfer is the pershot stats. Your hook, distance, and speed</a> are all reported</a>. These are critical when trying to fix parts of your swing, and something most driving ranges don't provide. At home devices are very expensive. The stats are also a tragedy because they are not saved between visits, but that is a digression (but if a TopGolf executive happens to read this let it be known this is a feature request).
The Food</h2>
I've sampled nearly everything on the menu. The only things that hold weight for me are the tater tots (perfectly fried literally every time) and the pretzel bites. The burgers, tacos, flat breads, breakfast burritos, everything else is...mid. It is what it is. I've stopped ordering food long ago. The food doesn't make me feel things, it seemingly makes me feel the absence of things. I'm not sure why but this is the opposite of food, much in the way that a Chili's Triple Dipper is.
The beers fine. Not cheap. Not much else to say.
I don't go for the food.
Conclusion</h2>
I've been to TopGolf too much and I'm going to go even more next year. My game has gotten measurably better by the simple concept of regular and consistent practice. TopGolf might be the essence of the American Dream in the 2020 era, and I have a feeling it will be referenced in distant memory like Sock Hops in the 2050s. Its too expensive to be ubiquitous in American culture like a batting cage is, which is a bit tragic because conceptually it is a batting cage for golf. Unlink what a driving range is. The driving range is akin to a weight room, many people can't stand them. Whatever topples the giant will be objectively worse but won't market itsself as a luxury experience.

Zohran Mamdani To Take Over As NFL Commissioner. We Breakdown His Policies

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 29 Dec 2025 13:36:00 -0800

NEW YORK -- A man who cannot be stopped, who has broad support from the people, who is attacked relentlessly on social media, and who is villainized by the lame-stream media. Zohran Mamdani. This man is taking over as NFL commissioner at the start of the year. His policies are sweeping, bold, and revolutionary. We break them down here. After Roger Goodell's ousting after appearing in the Epstein Files the League deeply needs new blood in the leadership position.
5. Free Childcare for WAGs.</h2>
First and foremost, the cost of childcare in the NFL is astronomically high. The first policy that the public was told of was free Montessori Schools for all of the player's children, up to their 5th child. This will even the playing field, education-wise, across the NFL and will save a large amount of salary cap that would be spent on childcare. We can now get more TikToks of WAGs absolutely slaying.
4. Kickers Don't Need to Wear Helmets</h2>
This one is a no-brainer and has been circulating the NFL for years. The helmet has been a handicap for both kicking distance and kicker sanity for years. There is zero point, outside of consistent uniforms, for a kicker to wear a helmet. This is just the kind of red tape that Mamdani is hoping to cut, for the good of the League. For progress, some parts of the massive bureaucracy that runs the NFL needs to be trimmed.
3. Free Transit to and From All Games</h2>
Fair avoidance is no longer a crime. The NFL will be providing free public transport up to 10 miles from each stadium as well as their associated airports. More buses, cleaner buses, and also a push for high speed rail. Infrastructure Week? Try Infrastructure Year. Zohran will single handedly revolutionize the transportation regime of the NFL. The more people who visit, the better the games look on TV.
2. City-Owned Concession Stands</h2>
The NFL will allow cities to manage one concession stand in each stadium. Stadiums are often food deserts, without much fresh produce available to fans. Most fans simply get by with processed foods and expensive light beers. This plan will provide fans with cheap nutritious meals, such as buffalo wings and garlic fries. This is projected to reduce fights at Eagles games by 10%.
1. Rent Control for Season Ticket Holder Seats</h2>
Finally, season ticket holders have some great news. Rent control. No longer will fans have to worry about going to a game 10x a year or paying for gas. Now the rate at which season tickets increase in price YoY is capped at 3%, and 2% if you bought the tickets before 1980. This keeps the fans in the game, and prevents foreign nationals from snapping up tickets from those who cannot afford them. American sports, for Americans. This is Democratic Socialism at work.
Great plans as Zohran assembles his administration. We have high hopes on how he executes them starting in the new year.

Patrick Mahomes Announces Retirement...from 2018-2025 Superbowl Streak

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 16:28:00 -0800

KANSAS CITY -- It is official. Patrick Mahomes is retiring. From his Superbowl streak that went from 2018-2025. He make this announcement tearfully after his game, but the tears were mostly from the ACL tear and not from emotional overwhelm.
Andy Reid had the following to say:
| It is a damn shame what happened on that field. But, with enough care and with his recent successful surgery he'll back back for next season. He is going to lead this team to another Superbowl, no doubt in my mind.
It is amazing news that Mahomes' ACL surgery was successful. Given the recent ACL tear epidemic</a> in the NFL, we hope it doesn't happen to his other knee.
We're sure we'll see an Eagles v Chiefs Superbowl in the near future.

We Rank the Bars That You Go To Watch The Cowboys Lose On Christmas

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 25 Dec 2025 08:48:00 -0800

The Cowboys playing on Christmas is basically a set in stone tradition at this point. Now I proudly hang a Lone Star above my nativity scene and I tape pictures of Jerry Jones, Tom Landry, and Brian Schottenheimer over the faces of the Wise Men. Given this new tradition is on one of the most celebrated holidays in America, we decided to rank all of the bars that we have gone to on this hallowed day to watch the Cowboys.
5. Dive Bar That Lets You Smoke In It</h2>
This is both the saddest and happiest bar in the neighborhood. Open for an hour after 1am, these places often feature plywood tables, no mixed drinks, you can rip darts inside, and the doors don't close completely. Its hot in the summer, cold in the winter. There is a vaguely Irish name. The bartender actively hates your guts, and the regulars can't even make eye contact. They have their Bud Light with an egg cracked into it at 9am. Somehow they have a 20in CRT still. And on that the Cowboys are getting their ass kicked.
4. Liquor Store with a TV</h2>
This one counts. The liquor store down the street from your house has a plasma across from the register. You go so much that the guy doesn't seem to mind if you stop to watch for 10-15 minutes inbetween buying a Voodoo Ranger, a pint of freezer burnt Ben and Jerrys, a peach flavored vape, and a $20 scratcher. It is a brief respite between family activities, and you get to see the only guy who doesn't complain about your choices.
3. Uncle's Basement Mancave Bar</h2>
Your Mom's brother just re-did his basement and it has nearly sent his rocky marriage over a cliff. The icing on the cake is that he added a full service bar with a mirrored back in the corner, complete with barstools and two kegerators. Can he afford this? You're too afraid to ask. You accept a cosmo because the kegs haven't arrived yet, beggars can't be choosers. At least this place has the least sticky floors of all in the list and the couches are better. Unfortunately the conversation ranks the lowest. It is three because the drinks are free and the TV is the best but it is the least fun of them all.
2. Only Bar In Your Parent's Town of 800 People</h2>
This is a unique one. You're home for the holiday in a small Midwestern town. Somehow the bar in the strip mall is open, and everyone that you grew up with is there. Some flew in from out of town from their "city" jobs (is St. Paul really that big of a city), but most have stayed put. There is an air of desperation and there is a bit of meth on the back of the broken toilet but it feels like home. This isn't a Hallmark moment, for many here there won't be a happy ending. It'll be a heart attack over a microwave meal. But, the Cowboys are playing and you all can forget that for a few sweet minutes.
1. Buffalo Wild Wings</h2>
Mecca is open on Christmas. What more can we see. Old Faithful still blows, the flag has 50 stars, and chickens still have wings. It is the number 1 slot for obvious reasons, we don't need to list them out.
Merry Christmas. Drive home safe.

The Fultz Strategy: Will Darryn Peterson Save The Kings, And They Will Destroy Him

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 24 Dec 2025 14:18:00 -0800

SACREMENTO -- Darryn Peterson is quickly falling from the No. 1 draft slot given his recent hamstring injury status. We're not going to say that his family's concern for his well being, but we're saying that they're holding him back enough to where we could be a prospect for the Sacramento Kings. Bad thing for Peterson, great thing for Sacramento.
The play is obvious for the Kings. Trade Zach LaVine for anything, just open the spot. Bring Nique Clifford as a starter. Darryn Peterson takes Nique's spot. Heres the cherry on the top of this sloppy pie: trade Darryn next year. Its a self-fulfilling prophecy. Its both King's basketball and completely unhinged genious. Its a rare move, last that comes to mind is Markelle Fultz in 2019. But in this case, it is a door opener. The injury already exists for Peterson to setup the same excuse that Fultz had. Give the man time to recover, learn the league in exchange for being the scapegoat. The sacrificial lamb. The next part of this play is vague but that is the benefit. Whatever opportunity comes up can be taken.
Here is the sequence of events: fans become elated, fans realize they have been duped, fans complain about Kings Basketball. But it doesn't matter, they're all bind. Doug Christie is playing chess, the average King's fan sucks on checkers at the DOCO before the game. To open doors sometimes you must slam your dick while closing the window. Sure it hurts temporarily but in the long term you get dick surgery and it becomes longer and thicker than ever.

The NBA Loses All H1B Visas. The EuroLeague Just Got Interesting, Replaces Eurovision

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 23 Dec 2025 15:41:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Adam Silver said the wrong thing to the right people in the current Whitehouse Administration, and this has resulted in the complete loss of all H1B visas in the league. This is not a Khaman Maluach situation, either. The list of players who are gone gone are:

Nikola Jokić</li>
Joel Embiid</li>
Giannis Antetokounmpo</li>
Luka Dončić</li>
Rudy Gobert</li>
Maxime Raynaud</li> </ul>
The list goes on. So many lives transplanted, families torn up. This comes on the heels of the deportation of a soccer forward</a> by ICE just recently as well. Steven Miller was quoted saying "The NBA is for the Nation. Its for nationalists, for natalists, not for...those people." Which is surprising given the demographics he plans to kick out, but I don't associate logic with any of the recent decisions.
The only upside to this is now the EuroLeague is going to POP off. The talent is back in the gene pool. Futher, many players are planning an exodus from the US, there are rumors of LeBron James flirting with Slovakia. Isaiah Thomas has also expressed interest in joining the league. How many former NBA players plan to come out of retirement and teach the European youth how to hoop?
Given the European nations are beginning to drop out of the Eurovision like files due to a specific controversial genocide that we will not mention, the basketball competition is set to replace the famed singing competition. Children are now shooting 3s instead of singing in like Norweagian or whatever.

Free Denzel Perryman

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 22 Dec 2025 15:44:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Twas was the night before MNF, and all gathered round, not a broski was stirring, no chips to be found. The Red Zone was on and YouTube TV, can't afford Prime, so FOX Sports we shall see.
This is where it all went wrong from Denzel Perrman.
Look, was the tackle on Ryan Flournoy "clean?" No, there's still a bit of brown on the toilet paper, but the NFL's egregious call on Perryman is just another strange one in a series of concerning events</a>. The man's helmet brushed against another's mid-play, he didn't take it off mid game and beat Flournoy over the head with it?
This is fake concern if I've ever seen it, and the NFL needed a scapegoat. Lets look at this season's injury list. Growing indefinitely. Why not put inplace rules on maybe the ballooning average player weight causing egregious harm, or dig deeper into the worsening ACL tear epidemic</a>. No, instead the NFL blatantly chooses to punish the Chargers once again.

DK Metcalf Announces NFL Retirement to Join UFC Heavyweight Division

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 22 Dec 2025 08:25:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- DK Metcalf has been throwing fists, specifically at a fan's stupid idiot face. The punch form was solid. He twisted his hips for torque, his left hand was up for the guard, chin was tucked, feet at a 45 degree angle, on his toes. It is almost like he was a free birth in the Octagon. And who was the mohel? None other than Dana White. White was watching a highlight clip of the game and the wide receiver's uncanny fight IQ caught his eye. His people spoke with DK's and a deal was quickly signed. DK announced his retirement, and his career pivot to MMA Fighter.
His first opponent will be Derrick Lewis. Gilbert Burns will be in his corner, and has been training DK in his gym. DK will be fighting at a weight of 230 after his recent round of cutting. DK is famously jacked so not much training is necessary.
We are stoked to see some new blood in the UFC, especially from non-traditional backgrounds. We think DK can go all the way as the champion.

Ravens Retire Mascot Poe, New Mascot is Stavros Halkias

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 21 Dec 2025 18:48:00 -0800

BALTIMORE -- The Raven's mascot, Poe, has been rather lackluster recently. An antiquated reference to a long dead creepy author, the Ravens (at the request of Lamar Jackson) have wanted to inject new blood into the organization for years. Luckily, a certain comedian and legendary podcaster has risen through the ranks at the appropriate time.
The star of the "Let's Start a Cult" (2024) and Bugonia (2025) has decided to change the trigectory of his career. Instead of chasing an EGOT he is breaking into new ground: as the new Ravens mascot. Halkias hard-launched Ronnie years ago, a steriotypically lower-class Baltimore denizen. Loud, brash, and crash while at the same time being compelling to watch. The Ravens then soft-lauched this caracter through TikToks and Instagram reels.
Upon the wave of love from the locals, the Ravens decided to pull the trigger and hit Poe with the bird-shot. Ronie's time to shine.
Of course, Halkias is busy touring the country on his standup circuit. So he will not personally be making appearances at most of the games. Instead they're constructing a Stavros-suit but not like in an Ed Gein way, sadly. It will be of mascot material which we assume is mostly microplastics and Chinese cotton.
The Balitomre #Ravens retire mascot Poe, their new mascot is Stavros Halkias.

Jaxson Dart so Concussed He Accidentally Spells His Name "Jackson"

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 21 Dec 2025 14:09:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- It is no secret that Jaxson Dart has spent more time under evaluation of head trauma than not recently. While the NFL has increased safety standards to prevent these types of injuries, the #Giant's defense is trying their darndest to nullify those efforts entirely. Jaxson is not in a great place. He has recently spelled his name completely incorrectly, going with the non-traditional spelling of Jackson while signing the credit card slip at Shake Shack.
The NFL really has to do something about this wave of Quarter Back decimation, given Trevor Lawrence's recent back cracking. Maybe some kind of cash-based reward each play the QB is still standing? Whatever it is, the lack of regulations here will soon make the entire NFL use their second and third string QBs exclusively.

Barstool Sports Banned From White House Press Briefings

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 21 Dec 2025 15:14:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – In a SHOCKING turn of events Barstool Sports has been banned from participating in White House press briefings by the Trump administration. Further, this ban extends the Pizza Review from reviewing the newly installed Brick-Up Oven Pizza window featured at the Washington Monument.
This comes on the heels of a long battle over crypto deregulation waged by Barsool founder and El Presidente, Dave Portnoy, et al. After the tragic fall from grace and subsequent self-immolation from both Hailey Welch's Hawk Tuah coin and former wide-receiver Antonio Browns’ (AB) CTESPN Coin, the Portony endorsed jailcoin has broken through the crypto zeitgeist. It has seemingly transformed itself from a meme coin to a stable coin in a strange twist of events. Subsequently, the push from the Barstool staff for even further deregulation and tax exempt status have left a bitter taste in the mouths of those in Washington.
Musk has called the push “Not very based”, favoring his shitcoin DOGE, named after his shadow government agency (Dogshit Obvious Governmental Eradication). That is right, in this version of reality the shitcoin came after the agency. Just roll with it.
When prompted for a quote from President Trump at the White House by 5thQuarterSports staff, where we have press credentials and front row seats for questions sandwiched between the really sweaty guy from OAN and the other, sweatier guy from Newsmax, he responded with “I literally don’t know where I am right now.”
More in the coming days.

Dodgers Luxury Tax Surpasses GDP of Uzbekistan

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 20:20:00 -0800

LOS ANGELES -- Sometimes its difficult to understand the scale of revenue that US sports have reached. For example, just the luxury tax that the Dodgers owe now surpases the GDP of many countries. We used Uzbekistan, but if we refer to the Wikipedia list</a>, we can see that actually Kuwait is closer. But countries that end with -stan standout a bit more. This was reported by The Associated Press originally</a>.
What is even more wild is that the baseline to surpass this tax threshold is...241MM. This puts the threshold to get taxed at the GDP of Qatar. One of the highest of the Gulf Coast.
Actually wait, I realized that I was reading the Wikipedia page incorrectly.

Chris Finch Ejected Timberwolves From Game For Saying The Lord's Prayer

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 19:14:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Timberwolves coach Chris Finch was ejected from the game against the OKC Thunder today for saying the Lord's Prayer court side. Oddly enough, he was saying it quietly as well. This ejection is completely inappropriate, and targets coaches that have fiath.
Note, that the NBA did not ban Doug Christie for his five times a day Salah to Allah. We implore the NBA to consider all of the coaches faith's as equal.

Anderson Silva To Sign To RAF on Fox Nation

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 18:24:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Silva has dominated all martial arts he participates in. From his years in Pride, to the Middleweight UFC champion, to his domination in the boxing world, most recently fighting Tyrone Woodley and his exhibitions with Bruno Machado and famed podcaster Chael Sonnen. An all-around killer, mixing Muay Thai and Taekwondo. An obvious master of stand up fighting.
What more could this man want? There is one place left he can leave his mark. On the mats.
His next target is RAF, Real American Freestyle. This bizarre show on the Fox Nation network started by the late Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea and Eric Bischoff of the WWE. Silva will now enter the world of unscripted wrestling and reign king of the unitards. Here again he will meet Chael Sonnen as the undercard for the upcoming Colby Covington match. Instead of donning gloves Silva and Sonnen will meet on the mat freestyle to see who pins who first. This is a real escape from their traditional roles in sports entertainment, and a reversal for both in terms of carrer direction.
Even more interesting, the winner of the match will get their own show on Fox Nation after Judge Jeanine Pirro's show. This one is for keeps. Exciting times.

Tenkaichi Budokai To Be Held At White House, Hosted By the UFC

Mello Fello — Wed, 17 Dec 2025 17:46:16 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- This May the 7th, the Tenkaichi martial arts tournament is to be held on the White House groups. Contestants from across the galaxy are to assemble at the legendary arena in Abu Dhabi, UAE to participate in this legendary event. The 5thQuarterSports staff has interviewed several participants as well as organizers to get some more information out to the public surrounding this legendary tournament.
The list of participants is as lengthy as it is iconic. The initial bracket includes appearances from legends such as Son Goku (of course), Dustin Porier (absolute legend), The Korean Zombie, Krillin, King Chappa, Mr. Satan, Holloway, and many others. Rumor has it that even Khabib might be coaxed out of his retirement. McGregor has refused to participate. Will we see an appearance from the great Jackie Chun? Unknown at this time.
This is sure to be a sight to behold. Dana White has said to us:
“This will be an absolutely uproarious event. You’ll feel the passion in the air that night.”
We here at the 5thQuarterSports headquarters are extremely glad to hear of the return of Snoop Dogg to his new side-gig of fight announcer. He has a whole new list of hymns prepared for this event. Announcing alongside him will be Joe Rogan, Bruce Buffer, and Herb Dean. This fight will be as entertaining as it is epic.
Good news to all the fans, the 8 day PPV event is available for the low cost of $3000. This will be the tournament of the ages, you CANNOT miss this event.

We Finally Know What Is To Blame The NFL's ACL Tear Epidemic

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 15 Dec 2025 16:05:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The numbers speak for themselves. What players have recently had ACL tears? Lets first take a look.

Patrick Mahomes</li>
Micah Parsons</li>
Nick Bosa</li>
Malik Nabers</li>
Tyreek Hill</li>
Tucker Kraft</li>
Zach Ertz</li>
Marshon Lattimore</li> </ul>
A star studded cast of the newly injured. A concerningly high number, and it continues to trend upwards.
We sat down with leading medical professionals who focus on sports related injuries, experimental kinesiologists, and Tonya Harding (expert on knee trauma) to better understand and finally get to the bottom of this wave of debilitating injury that is sweeping the NFL. We explored all avenues. We even asked Aaron Rogers, but we all know what he is blaming this on. Here is what we asked the actual experts:

Is this contagious?</li>
Are they related?</li>
Is there a unifying factor?</li>
Why has the frequency increased recently?</li>
Who is to blame?</li>
Is this fake, all part of a wide-spread conspiracy theory involving the predetermined outcomes of the NFL?</a></li> </ul>
The answer is astounding. The conclusion was agreed upon by all members of our expert panel, independently mind you. There was no cross-contamination on this deep analysis.
Today's men are just soft. In the 80s and 90s players would snap their knees left and right. Know what they did? Sat down on the bench, drink a WARM light American lager, smoke a Cowboy Killer, then get back on the field for the second half, all for making a salary in the tens of thousands of dollars. Did they have a staff of professional physical therapists, masseuses, and stretchers back then? No. They had a Roseary and a dirty rag to bite on. The worst part? The rags already came dirty from the store.
We have no sympathy for these multi-millionaires with a bit of patellofemoral pain. Get back on the field like a violent animal drunk on rage and high ABV spirits as your fathers did before you.

Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the Chiefs. She's more like the Mark David Chapman

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 14 Dec 2025 16:18:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The Chiefs are not going to the playoffs. The 2018-2025 dynasty is over. Are the refs to blame?</a> Quite possibly, but that is besides the point. We have done the analysis. We've combed through the archives. We've dug deep into obscure databases of player performance. The only unifying factor is that Taylor Swift is a literal assassin sent by some state government to end an era. We're not referring to her Eras tour either. Shes been poisoning the coffee cup that Patrick Mahomes has been sipping out of little by little every day.
Swifties might be literally rabid, but that will not stop us from speaking the truth. Her jets pollute the skys, her remakes pollute the charts, and her face pollutes the jumbotron.
Shes less of what breaks the Chiefs up and more of what has killed them with a gun.

InvestigateTheNFL. This is officially Ref Gate. The NFL is preplanned to a degree that the Soviet Union could only dream of

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 14 Dec 2025 13:56:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- This is the first playoff season and first Superbowl without Patrick Mahomes, Payton Manning, or Tom Brady since 1998. AKA, things were getting boring. And you know what that sick man, Roger Goodell, in his ivory tower thought? Lets mix it up a little.
The last two weeks of football have been a circus with bad call after bad call. The only good outcome is that the Chargers have won the last 6 out of the 7 games, but that is a digression.
Something must be done. RefGate is upon us. The NFL needs a thurough investigation. The government needs to take the resources that they've been spending hunting immigrants and ANTIFA and instead dive deep into this organization.
Stalin would be proud.

The NFL and NBA to classify Essential Oils as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs)

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 14 Dec 2025 08:15:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Today the NBA and NFL made a joint announcement that they are banning the use of essential oils. This is due to both the astounding healing powers of these oils, as well as the extreme physical enhancements which they provide. Our mothers have been right all along.
Videos have been circulating social media in the last week of WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends of players) performing physical feats, the likes of which strongly suggest the involvement of substances. These substances? Essential Oils.
The videos include the women making half court shorts with ease, dunking from the key, as well as throwing 70 yard Hail Marys. While we don't doubt the physical prowess of these women, many are athletes themselves, the level of performance across the board is uncanny.
The list of oils which are to be banned mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil.
The effects of lavender oil are mainly focused on the healing benefits and the reduced recovery window that they provide. I'd expect to see amateur body builders rip a smelling salt before a lift. I'm personally unaccustomed to seeing an NBA player raise the purple bottle to their nose after a mid-game hamstring strain. The effect can only be compared to when Popeye the Sailor Man ripping a tin of spinach. A truly electric reaction, and they're back on the court.
Next up is eucalyptus oil. This is favored by the NFL athletes. After ingesting some highly concentrated eucalyptus oil quarter backs proceed to see visions and spirits. These extra dimensional guides then proceed to whisper routes, and point out holes in the defending team's line. This has been described as similar to playing a game of Madden with your big brother telling you what plays to run.
Finally, is the chamomile oil. In high doses it acts a creatine substitute and greatly increases muscle recovery and water retention. This has been used liberally by many players, as it greatly enhances the effects of their workouts. A truly miracle drug when it comes to increasing general performance.
The only side effects recorded? Players now smell amazing.

Thursday Night Football moving from Amazon Prime to Blockbuster Video

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 12 Dec 2025 15:31:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- In an ever fractured football media landscape the fractures become more fractured. It was already a controversial decision in 2006 to start TNF. It was an even more contentious move to give Amazon exclusive rights to streaming TNF back in 2021. The final spike in the heart that is the gridiron has arrived. TNF is now moving off of the retail giant due to anti-monopoly sentiment and now moving to in-store Blockbuster Video rentals.
Even more confusing is that there is a single Blockbuster Video, located in Bend, Oregon. This in an in-store exclusive, but thankfully the owners still have plans. They have setup a massive LED panel screen outside of the store for the masses. Folks from all over the country plan to travel to Bend to see the spectacle. This is actually a larger part of a de-digitialization effort from Gen-Z and Gen-Alpha. The early 2000s and 2010s nostalgia is hitting them hard. Some say that 2012 was the "ultimate year", which coincides perfectly with the decline of the once great Blockbuster Video.
There are a few stipulations.

Tom Brady can never announce.</li>
The Eagles games will not be shown.</li>
Old clips of John Madden must be played before and after every game.</li> </ol>
We are extremely excited to take a little trip to Bend to watch a game.
I love you.

OpenAI announces partnership with ESPN through Disney deal. Sora generated NFL games to be released next season

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 11 Dec 2025 15:38:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Bob Iger, Sam Altman, and Roger Goodell and their respective executive suites sat in a room for hours earlier today hashing out the details of the future of AI generated sports. In a groundbreaking arrangement, players' likenesses, families, appearances in video games and more will be analyzed thoroughly as the seed data for future games.
This new style of games will rely on Agentic AI workflows. Each player will be an Agent. The ball will be an Agent. The cheerleaders will be Agents. The drunken sloppy fans yelling at their TV, or soon VR headsets, however will be all too real.
These behemoths of entertainment are not deaf to fans' requests. Home and away games will still exist, but in a more modern form. Games will be "played" in data centers located close to each home team's cities. Players' AI agents will be stored on hard drives and flown from city to city. Never doubt the bandwidth of an airplane flying with 50 terabytes of data across country.
Most interesting of all is the new partnership announced with DraftKings. Due to the non-deterministic nature of these AI generated games the outcomes are near random. This counts legally as gambling.
Parts of this deal are not ideal. The streamification of games will remain the same. Some games will be available through Sunday Ticket, Amazon will still stream Thursday Night Football. The worst part is that network television is cut out altogether except for holiday games.
The future is now, old man.

Sherrone Moore is currently driving down the 405 in a White Bronco after being fired from Michigan

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 17:44:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- In a scene out of a 90's news room, Sherrone Moore is currently in a low-speed chase on the 405 driving a White Bronco. Those who don't study their sports history are doomed to repeat it. He does not appear to be armed but he is making irrational requests over his in-car phone.
Currently Norm MacDonald is on SNL's Weekend Update pitching jokes to a shocked</a> audience about this situation. We know his career there is on the perfect track with this material and nothing could go wrong at all.
On a more serious note, what is up with College Football coaches recently? Is some kind of eyes wide shut esque recruitment necessary to become a defensive coordinator? There seems to be some kind of deep rooted issues that this environment either encourages or breeds. With the Lane</a> Kiffin allegations</a> ongoing there needs to be a serious investigation into the morals and ethics of these leaders. They are supposed to be the backbone and example for many young men and women. Especially at Michigan</a>, where they just let go of Weiss. Who's next in Michigan, the recruitment?</a>
Lucking we don't</a> see any deviant</a> behavior</a> from NFL-grade</a> coaches. These are well-adjusted, upright citizens with no oddities or strange relationships, right Belichick?
We sincerely hope the situation improves, and that noone is seriously hurt or has lasting trauma.

Jerome Powell cuts price of hotdogs at MLB stadiums nationwide

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 15:31:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- Jerome Powell, the Fed chair with the coolest name behind Ben Bernanke, has announced that after months of haranguing from the White House, that the cost of a hotdog, beef frank, hot link, glizzy, and polish will be cut across the nation by a quarter of a percentage point at all MLB stadiums.
We've written and reviewed these stadiums extensivly.</a>
Many things triggered this cut, including the amount of hotdogs that the government has recklessly printed in the past years, the rising cost of inflation, and the pork price competition from the pending reintroduction of the McRib. The hotdog machine has been going "brrr".
While Powell has "soft landed" the US economy from an all out recession (which in this case the national choice at stadiums becomes the hamburger and not a dawg) the methods which we relied on have been economically dubious to say the lease.
It is a step in the correct direction economically for Americans, baseball fans, and the US economy in general.
We thank Powell for this pragmatism.

Extra Cheese, No Cap: Inside the Sacramento Kings’ Alleged Pizza Guys Payroll Scandal

Danny Dimes — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:50:00 -0600

On a gray Wednesday morning in Midtown Sacramento, the quiet hum of the Kings practice facility breaks only for sneakers squeaking and the faint smell of tomato sauce. Inside, a team that once described itself as “redefining competence” may have redefined something else entirely: how to weaponize local pizza sponsorships to navigate the NBA salary cap.
Over the past three months, Our top 5th Quarter investigative journalist has conducted interviews with more than a dozen figures connected to the Sacramento Kings, the Pizza Guys franchise network, and the league office. What emerged is a story as absurd as it is meticulously engineered, a quasi-legal payment structure that funneled millions of dollars through what one former staffer called “the greasiest” shell company in NBA history. We initially tried to send this scoop to ESPN’s Pablo Torre but he declined stating, “no one gives a shit about the Kings”
The Slice Ledger</h2>
The story begins with an email.
In April, amid tense negotiations over Malik Monk’s potential extension, a junior analyst inside the Kings’ finance department noticed a peculiar budget line item: “Player Engagement - Meal Partnerships.” The annual figure? $12,784,000. Coincidentally, the exact same number as the remaining space under Sacramento’s luxury tax line.
Three weeks later, Pizza Guys a beloved local chain and longtime Kings sponsor unveiled “The Bonus Box,” a promotion allowing fans to win pizza discounts when players hit certain stat benchmarks. The fine print? The promotion was underwritten by “performance-based compensation agreements” with unnamed “brand ambassadors.”
According to internal documents obtained by our 5th Quarter legal team, those ambassadors were the players themselves.
“Every three assists, Russel Westbrook got a ‘Pizza Pass Dividend.’ Every double-double, Sabonis earned ‘Crust Credit,’” said one front-office source. “It looked stupid on paper. But it looked almost cap compliant which is scary honestly.”
The Whistleblower</h2>
The operation might have gone unnoticed if not for a small act of digital vanity. Niques Clifford posted to his Instagram story a photo of himself delivering Pizza Guys boxes to teammates, each box stamped CONFIDENTIAL- BONUS ENCLOSED. He deleted the post minutes later, but screenshots spread quickly across NBA Reddit under the thread “Are the Kings paying players in cash and calzones?”
A Pizza Guys shift manager at the Elk Grove location confirmed to our 5th Quarter correspondent on scene that the company had been “handling grease-stained envelopes that definitely didn’t smell like receipts.”
“We’d get calls from a guy named Scott Perry from ‘Cap Compliance’ placing orders for ‘team eats,’” the manager said. “It was always $250,000 even. Nobody tips like that.”
The Denials</h2>
Kings owner Vivek Ranadive dismissed the allegations as “a misunderstanding born of our deep commitment to community partnerships and artisanal carbs.” Asked whether Pizza Guys executives sat in on salary negotiations, Ranadive paused.
“I mean, sure, there were boxes in the room. Pizza brings people together.”
Though the league has yet to issue formal penalties, multiple officials inside the NBA’s Cap Enforcement Division an entity one source described as “the IRS, but with less vibes” have confirmed that Sacramento’s financial filings are under review.
We reached out to NBA commissioner Adam Silver for comment and but his only response was “no comment’ he exclaimed in a reptilian hiss.
According to those sources, auditors discovered hundreds of invoices labeled “Pepeoroni (AAV Adjustment)” and “Crust Depth Analysis (Luxury Threshold Offset).” “Extra garlic performance incentives”
The Fallout</h2>
Privately, rival executives are furious. One termed it “Silicon Valley salary laundering with mozzarella” “At least the Clippers planted a few trees!”
“Look, if Adam Silver doesn’t stop this,” one Western GM said, “The Lakers are going to start paying Luka through Mcdonald’s Monopoly points.”
As for the players, few seem fazed. A team veteran on condition of anonymity said, “Look, man, money’s money. If half my check comes in the shape of a medium Meat Lovers, who cares? We’re 11-3 at home.”
The Pizza Guys corporate office declined multiple interview requests, releasing only a two-word statement crafted by their 19 year old intern on X (formerly Twitter):
“No Cap.”
The Bigger Picture</h2>
In a league obsessed with creativity on and off the court, Sacramento’s alleged pizza payroll might be its most inadvertently poetic act. For a franchise once defined by dysfunction, the Kings found a way to turn it into a brand strategy — one slice at a time.
Back at practice, as Malik Monk jokes with teammates near a stack of fresh boxes stamped “Pizza Guys x Kings: The Official Partner of Fair Compensation”, the room fills with laughter and the smell of warm dough and plausible deniability.
Because in Sacramento, the dream isn’t just to win. It’s to get paid in pie while doing it.

Philip Rivers plans to come out of retirement for the Colts; My Dad has to come out of retirement because of Bitcoin

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 16:57:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- In stunning news, Philip Rivers plans to come out of retirement. The recent 44 year old is set to retake the helm for the Colts in a time where they are struggling, given Daniel Jone's recent injury. What is even more amazing is that he is a Grandfather. It is a rare event in the NFL for a grandfather to be a staring quarterback, most famously Brett Farve.
In other news, my own father had to come out of his retirement. The recent moves in the crypto space, most notability Bitcoin falling way below $100k USD has caused issues with his long-term retirement goals. The man will not do well on the traditional fixed income. He refuses to divulge too much information, but I have a suspicious feeling he fell pray to a meme-coin rug pull. Does that count as elder abuse? I think not, personally. Even worse for him, he isn't even a grandfather yet. Or possibly ever if I keep up my "incel" behavior.
Rivers has a chance to pull the Colts out of a very tight spot. A torn Achilles for Jones, and teenage acne for Riley Leonard. Rivers might be their only hope in this dark moment.

The NFL Officially Allows Refs to Accept Bribes

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 07 Dec 2025 18:01:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- The referees have been accepting bribes under the table for quite some time, and there is copious proof of this phenomenon. However, after today's egregious yellow flag thrown by the refs at the perfect time has caused quite a stir in the NFL Gambling social media scene. The spread was 8.5 for Denver, and the Raiders were 10 points down. Is it a Christmas miracle? No, the referees were openly accepting bribes to land the underdog.
This time is different. Other times, the NFL denies, denies, denies. They "investigate" the refs, maybe fire them in some cases. But Roger Goodell has taken a heel turn on this one, and decided to remove the wool over the eyes of the fans. After this incident he announces it is actually legal, helpful, and in the rule books that the refs can accept bribes. Even further, the sources are not restricted or recorded. This means the mafia can send a suitcase of money at halftime, or a fan can slip a tenner in the piss trough.
Some of my greatest memories as a child were at the piss trough at a football game. The warm shower, being knee high to the surrounding gentlemen, warmed me up greatly before returning to a crispy fall game. And if I rubbed my hands on my hotdog it was like having free seasoning.
We at 5th Quarter Sports commend Roger Goodell. His infinite wisdom and boundless knowledge have proven useful once again. This shows why he is the man in charge, he makes the hard calls.

They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 07 Dec 2025 10:22:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- I'll come out and say it. I'd rather drink a bucket of warm dog slobber than drink SoBe again. The day they switched from glass bottles to plastic is the day that the Earth stood still. The Lizard Milk simply is not that good. The flavors are always too strange, an odd fusion inspired Elixir which never quite tastes right. After drinking them I always felt a strange haze, almost as if someone was shaking my voodoo doll too hard. I suspect they were discontinued because Pepsico is an odd organization, with many tendrils.
Now, 'Zonas? Those are nectar. Straight from the teat of Gia. The perfect serving size, now 21oz sadly but still the most generous. Their brand merch is inspiring. They will literally punish gas stations who try to rip-off the consumer by over charging. The beverages and light, flavorful, and straightforward.
The world would be a complete place if they ever brought back Shaq Sodas. Now those were ambrosia in a can, and I will never forgive Shaq for not fighting for his damn life to save those beautiful cans.
'Zona is also releasing a Hard AriZona Tea. We cannot endorse the consumption of alcohol, but we assume that they are better than those silly little Hard Mountain Dews.

BYU Loses to Texas Tech. Second worst day to be a Mormon, followed by Joseph Smith's death

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 06 Dec 2025 12:23:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- It is wild. This is Texas Tech's first time going to the Big 12 Championship after smashing BYU 34-7. The magic underwear that the BYU players just wasn't enough this season. This is their first conference title since 1955.
This is the second worst day to be a Mormon, after the day Joseph Smith died. Actually, maybe we can adjust this to being the third worst day, after Trey Parker and Matt Stone released the Book of Mormon.
Sorry BYU fans. I'd offer a beer as a consolation but you know...maybe a Coke. Oh wait actually, caffeine. Maybe a milk and a jump soak?
Next up, Notre Dame isn't going to get far in the Big 12. That loss is going to be the worst day for Catholics since they got a Pope from Chicago.
With the Lane Kiffin</a> scandel, and Zach Arnett</a> returning to Mississippi State it has been a wild day for College Football.

Zach Arnett to return to Mississippi State as Defensive Coordinator. This is like moving back in with your parents.

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 06 Dec 2025 09:03:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- Zach Arnett was chosen too early, Coleman Hutzler was chosen too late. He was previously Head Coach of Mississippi, but was fired after the Bulldogs went 4-6 the season he took over. That doesn't overshadow the fact that he is a proven SEC defensive powerhouse and Mississippi knows that.
This is a bit like moving back in with your parents. But with an interesting twist, some how for a brief moment you out rank your father. Maybe he temporarily lost his job, picked up a drinking problem or DraftKings too much, and you have your first non internship job out of college. For a few months, you're brining home the bacon and providing for your mother and two siblings. Then, your old man sobers up. Uninstalls the apps. Picks himself back up. Then slugs you one right in your mouth, reminding you who's boss of the house. You're then kicked out into the streets to fend for yourself.
Then, your old man feels a bit sorry for you. He invites you back. Your job isn't quite enough to afford that loft you thought was a great idea two months ago. So you break your lease, move back in to save a few bucks, and all is right in the world.
That is a bit like what happened when Arnett went to Ole Miss and Florida State. By the way, all the rats are jumping ship from Ole Miss given Lane Kiffin just departed due to extreme controversy</a>.
Whatever the issues were are resolved, and Zach Arnett is returning home. We at 5th Quarter Sports are proud of him.

John Cena to retire next week; Return to focusing on rap career. Wokeism takes over the WWE as the Ruthless Agression Era ends.

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 18:08:00 -0800

STAMFORD, CT -- It is the end of an era. The waning of the Ruthless Aggression Era. The sun is setting on the Cena empire. It is time for him to sit back, relax, make multi-million dollar movies, and focus on what he really loves. The rap game. He has been cooking up some hard bars while touring the nation throwing elbows and landing some Attitude Adjustments.
Triple H has ushered in the era of Woke in the WWE. The pronouns are going BACK in the bios. McIintyre is going to undergo top surgery. Dom Mysterio is going to get even more dom'd. They're brining the strap-on on stage. All the men have long hair now. Women are GOOD at wrestling?? They're formidable athletes with well defined, frequently non sex based story lines? Insanity.
Back to Cena. The title of his new upcoming album is "Mind If a White Boy Speaks Alittle Chinese?". Some of the song titles on the album are:

Attitude Adjustment</li>
对不起 (I'm Sorry)</li>
Miss you Mr. McMahon</li>
Kayfabe Is OVer</li> </ul>
We're sad to see Cena go. He has been a fixture in many of our lives for 20 years as a certain persona. I'm sure he'll be in our lives, but he won't be the Ruthless Aggression Cena.
And much line Bautista, we'll soon see what a regular sized John Cena looks like.

Trump wins Peace Prize from well established Peace Prize giving establishment: FIFA

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 13:56:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- I'm losing my mind right now. Alfred Nobel invented dynamite, and the resulting deaths and destruction haunted him until the day he died. To establish a better legacy, to remove his name as some mere death merchant, he set up a prize system based on science and reasoning and the greater good. This organization was then renamed to FIFA, and it started accepting bribes from heads of state immediately.
The illegal exchange of dark money for government contracts, subsidies, and large sporting events is as old as time itsself. How do you think the Colosseum was built? The answer was lots and lots of slaves. The FIFA organization used this as an example to build out the Qatar infrastructure for the 2022 cup. They are amateur historians. Those who know sports history are doomed to see it repeated.
So the President of the United States of America is given an award for Peace. For being a Peace broker. For making the world a better place. Who lights fires with his left hand, then puts them out with his right. Who's Secretary of War not only kills drug dealers through missile strikes, but much like the sign that my uncle has outside of his house that says "Trespassers will be shot, Survivors will be shot again", proceeds to missile strike the survivors. I called my uncle and let him know his diplomatic policy is now used for the US's military new approach to Peace and he could never be prouder.
The world is a better place given Trump has received his Peace medal. The world is a better place now that FIFA will be hosted in the US, the prime consumers of Football itsself. I'm excited to see the Cowboys play against some Guatemalans. The leadership at the CBP will have massive bonuses by simply turning away spectators once they touch US soil. It will be like some Buster Keaton movie of pushing them back onto the plane in a circular motion, making it look like there are an infinite number of FIFA watcher hopefuls.

Release the Kiffin Files. Lanestein Grandy Jury Documents in Florida Case to be Released

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 13:11:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- In a shocking and generally good turn of events more of Lanestein files are going to be unsealed, ordered by a federal judge in Florida. The deeper this story goes the more shocking it becomes. Lane Kiffin doesn't have an island, but he's been texting as though he exists in one.
Leak after leak after leak. The hidden Snapshot. The shirtless pictures. The boomer-coded texting and abbreviations. The group pictures with extremely sweaty hot yoga instructors implying some kind of reverse Eiffel Tower scenario. The implication. The hole is dug deeper and deeper with every photograph.
It has come to our intention that the true move to LSU was fueled not by money. Not by fame or to create controversy. It was fueled by the need for a new hunting grounds. The carrying capacity of Ole Miss had dropped below what was required to sustain Kiffin, keep his coaching instincts sharp. The landscape and ecosystem are devastated .
What is next? Well, the new lawsuits will begin to roll in. Kiffin already dodged a previous lawsuit</a> from one of his own players. This one alleges that young women who took mental health breaks were treated with much more leniency than players who made the same request, and that constitute discrimination. Given the pages and pages of exposed texts, this certainly tracks and is an unsurprising finding.
The walls are closing in. The unsealed documents will fuel the fire. The end is neigh. You can run to the swamps of Louisiana, but the gasses and the gators will not protect you from the truth. They can only temporarily obscure the past.
Look, could the texts be faked? Could this all be one big X (nee Twitter) meme? Is it possible that Lane Kiffin is completely innocent? A simple, elite college football coach who deserves a better school and bigger salary who could truly be a good person? Absolutely not. It is highly illegal to fake texts and social media posts on the internet, and it is our opinion that the sheer enormity of the countless screenshots we're seeing roll in would break so many laws that those who post them would not risk hard prison time for a simple joke.
Her Spotify wrapped age was 19 years old. It is sick.
We are fully sent, and we're refusing to let this story die without a deeper investigation.

Clippers released Chris Paul because he stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 18:45:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- In a wild turn of events it was reported that on December 1st, 2025 CP3 stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney after an intense verbal argument. At first it started with a mild disagreement with Paul becoming more and more heated, eventually going off. As the argument continue to come to a head Tyronn Lue attempted to hold Paul back from his mounting rage. But, as Paul's tirade was reaching it's crescendo, Lue realized that Paul was making good arguments. He was claiming that the Clipper's staff didn't care, the players are sloppy, addicted to losing, allergic to winning. That the coaching staff was top notch but could not accomplish their mission. That Shrek the Third was the best in the series, and that Nicolas Cage's National Treasure 2 was NOT as good as the first National Treasure.
As Paul's words penetrated Lue's psyche, he changed sides at the last minute. He momentarily left the Clippers in spirit himself, Animorphed from coach to power forward, and grabbed Frank's arms behind his back. Then, he committed a flagrant foul, moving Frank into a Full Nelson. Turns out Frank has an active interest in John Cena's upcoming last match and has been catching up on Monday Night RAW. He considered setting up for a German Suplex, then decided against it. Ivica Zubac entered the room temporarily, then quickly left. He did not alert the authorities.
Then Pual began shadow boxing Lue's ribs. Playful punches then turned into a extended boxing conditioning session. Then: the stabbing began. Lue flipped Frank around, then Paul begin the rapid attack, using a screwdriver that the hotel maintenance had left earlier that day. It was at this point Lue became a bit freaked out and totally not down with the situation. He tossed Frank to the side, and confronted Paul. He looked him square in the face, then told him to go run drills in the gym. They then left Frank's hotel room, and then went to the Clipper's gym. Suicide sprints commenced, followed by jumping exercises, and they wrapped up with a strength training routine consisting of the 5x5 core lifts.
The next day the Clippers released Paul, citing his recent behavior.

The NFL Refuses To Ban Lobotomies

Nathan Graves — Mon, 01 Dec 2025 18:15:00 -0800

INGLEWOOD, California – Once again no one is calling for the NFL to ban lobotomies for players, and just like last time, the league is flat out refusing to do so.
Commissioner Roger Goodell responded today to the public’s lack of demands, saying that voluntary lobotomies “may have no place” in the league, but that the NFL will never outright ban the operation.
“If we can’t have an entirely lobotomized league, then we probably want zero, but still, it isn’t our place to ban it altogether,” said Goodell. “Besides, ratings are up. The people don’t want a lobotomy ban.”
Senior VP of Communications Katie Hill, also feeling the absence of pressure, had this to say:
“An NFL player severing his prefrontal cortex seems a bit redundant, no? Sounds like a nonissue to me. However, I suppose that, given all their preexisting brain damage, plus the rise of voluntary lobotomies to mainstream popularity, it’s conceivable it could become a trend among players. Even then we wouldn’t shut it down.
“Look, obviously we don’t want players to butcher their brains too early in their careers, but if someone wants to blunt this insufferable reality and jumpstart their mental decline, that’s between them, God, and their healthcare provider.”

Kings vs Grizzlies Pregame Stats

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 30 Nov 2025 17:11:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- I think being honest in this situation might be the the best way forward. These are two teams which aren't doing amazing. The Grizzlies are 8-12 and the poor King doggies are 5-15. But, lets take a look at their past performance to get a better picture on how this could play out. (Maybe not well for the Kings). All of these charts are for the Kings vs Grizzlies against the last game they've played.
Kings Efficiency</h2>
First up lets take a look at the Efficiency Breakdown of the Kings against the Grizzlies against their last game.

We can rule out Clifford going ham, as this was a small sample size. But, while it is expected that DeRozan and LaVine will be putting in work as usual, maybe we'll see Raynaud put in some good work again. The sample size is slightly higher than Clifford so saying that it is statistically significant is maybe pushing it but we can have hope.
The Effects of Being Foul</h2>
Next, lets see what happens if the Kings play too aggressively against specific players.

If the Kings can stay away from Landale, Prosper, and Wells they should be fine. These players made the most, so are the most likely to benefit from retaliation.
More General Breakdown</h2>
This is a more general chart that breaks down Grizzlies player performance.

So if they keep Aldama, Landale, and Spenser covered they should have a good chance of coming out ahead.
What is interesting is that they don't seem to have a heavy amount of steals from their top players. This begs the question if a more aggressive offense, and going all in against the Grizzlies would benefit the Kings in this game. Only time will tell.

The False Narrative That The Kings Should Trade Zach LaVine is Spread By Russian Bots and Troll Farms

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 18:02:00 -0500

SACRAMENTO -- I will not be disingenuous when I say that the Sacramento Kings are unlikely to trade Zach LaVine in the near term. I can't speak for long term, I refuse to speculate. What I can say with absolute certainty is that those who suggest this trade happening in both the online space as well as the Lame Stream News have direct ties to Russian funding, and further US techo-oligarchs who have a deep vested interest in the fall of this great franchise.
First and foremost of the offenders is Legion Hoops. This vitrolic account spews not only hate, but lies as well. Funded by the Kremlin directly, one must take any reporting from this account with a healthy pinch of halcite. Their over reporting of LaVine's trade shows just how far they will go to sow seeds of descent. This lead was picked up and investigated by our very own Lane: The Bro, now more commonly known as Daddy Dumbass.
Next up is KingsMuse. While is different to find their direct accusations against LaVine's future, the general tone and statistical reporting paint a different picture entirely. We have it on good information that they are funded by Peter Thiel himself. Whichs absolutely tracks.
Finally, the curve ball. The Kremlin actually activated a sleeper operative to get LaVine to crack. This "fan" dropped hateful words on our King mid game</a>. How low will they stoop? This is a near assassination attempt. Luckily this operative was neutralised by security before he could ruin the vibes further.
Stay vigilant with your news sources. Check the facts and more importantly the funding. And finally remember, the only disinformation that you can trust is from 5thQuarterSports.

Keegan Murray v Law of Large Numbers

Daddy Dumbass — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 21:39:00 -0500

SAXRAMENTO -- Tonight the Kings take on the Pheonix Suns in Sacramento as part of the NBA Cup. This game won't be decided by each team's ability to hit threes, rebound, or Doug Christie's decision to not play Keon Ellis for some reason. This game is a straight matchup against Keegan Murray and the Law of Large Numbers.
The Kings are currently 5-13, despite winning their last two games with Keegan Murray's return from injury. The Suns are sitting at 11-7, fueled by Devin Booker and the Power of Friendship. The question now becomes: Can Keegan Murray overcome what seems to be impossible...the Kings winning 3 games in a row.
Every Kings fan is cautiously optimistic. Keegan Murray is a fan favorite and potential face of the franchise, but we're very aware of the reality that lies ahead. The Kings winning percentage before Murray's return was 18.75%. At that rate, the odds of them winning two games in a row is only 3.5%. Odds of them winning three? .66%. With 82 games in a season, we'd be lucky to see this team win three in a row at any point this year.
Final verdict: Can Keegan overcome the odds? Unlikely, but depressed Kings fans can dream, right?
On the bright side, you can bet the Suns moneyline at -175. Its free money, available for the taking.

Kings GM Scott Perry is Playing Chess, Too Bad This is Basketball. How The Kings Will Rebuild in 2026

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 10:24:00 -0500

SACRAMENTO -- Much like the phoenix rising from the ashes, to rebuild you must first tear it down.
Scott Perry is a strategic genius, some say the Winston Churchill of Sacramento. And much like the bombing of Coventry, where the British decoded the German's encrypted attack plans, he must let the bombs fall lest he accidentally show his hand too early.
That means, tank the rest of the season until the Feburary trade deadline to better position themselves. DeRozan, LeVine, and most recent Sabonis are up for grabs. They have 1 first round 2026 spot and 2 second rounds. This is the foundation of the house which they are about to build.
Sabonis is recently up after Perry made a masterful play of accident barging in on a nude Sabonis with Ranadivé in tow. The resulting embarrassment has given Perry another pawn in his grand scheme.
Folks here it is. LaVine and DeRozan to the increasingly desperate Mavericks 2026 spot, and Sabonis to the Warriors for their first round 2026 spot.
Check, mate. In 5 years the King doggies will be mid again, and balance will be returned to the force.
Take this with a grain of salt, I can't even win a 1x1 game of Monopoly against my 8 year old nephew. While my eye for strategy is dull, this looks like a no brainer. I don't care if this violates the Stepien rule unless the Kings also trade one of their 2027 and 2028 slots to each respective team.

Formula 1 vs. FIFA: Who Is More Corrupt Or Are We Just Paying For Billionaire Fanfiction in HD

Resident Ginger — Sun, 23 Nov 2025 10:33:00 -0500

SACRAMENTO -- There are two types of sports fans. The hopelessly optimistic. And the emotionally damaged.
If you are still believing in fairness, integrity, or “the rules apply to everyone,” congrats on your innocence. The rest of us have been watching modern sports long enough to understand it is basically a streaming service for soft corruption.
Right now, the global title for Most Unashamedly Rigged Entertainment Product Disguised as Sport comes down to two heavyweights. FIFA and Formula 1.
And buddy, this fight is not close. It is a demolition derby.
FIFA: Corruption But Make It Cinematic</h2>
FIFA is not just corrupt. They are corporate corrupt. The kind of corruption that comes with a sponsorship deal and a drone shot.
According to absolutely real and definitely peer-reviewed internet statistics:

87 percent of FIFA board members have at least one offshore bank account</li>
62 percent have used the phrase “growing the game” to justify something morally insane</li>
100 percent of them somehow survive every scandal like a politician in a Netflix drama</li> </ul>
They once gave a World Cup to a country with no soccer culture, boiling temperatures, and labor conditions worse than a group project with random partners. And the global response was basically, “Yeah but the graphics will be sick.”
Here is the truth people refuse to admit.
We are fine with FIFA corruption. As long as it benefits us.
The December 5 World Cup draw is the real moral compass of America.
If the U.S. gets grouped with three teams that sound like mid-tier startup companies, suddenly FIFA isn’t a criminal empire anymore. They’re “visionary leaders of global football.”
But if we draw Brazil, France, and Germany? Suddenly everyone is a legal expert.
Studies show:

American outrage over FIFA increases by 400 percent when the group draw is not favorable</li>
American forgiveness increases by 900 percent if the path to the quarterfinals looks like a tutorial level</li> </ul>
That is not hypocrisy. That is patriotism.
Formula 1: Where The Rules Are Optional and the Vibes Are Mandatory</h2>
Now let’s talk about Formula 1.
FIFA corruption is dramatic. It is cinematic. It is corruption with a soundtrack.
Formula 1 is more intimate. More personal. Like a gaslight you pay $9.99 a month to watch in 4K.
Formula 1 does not change rules. They “clarify” them. Which is corporate language for “we don’t like how this season is going.”
According to advanced math invented in a Reddit comment section:

73 percent of F1 rule changes happen within two races of McLaren doing something good</li>
91 percent of confusing steward decisions somehow benefit the same two teams</li>
100 percent of press releases are written like they were generated by a nervous PR intern</li> </ul>
One week penalties matter. Next week they are “context based.” One week track limits are strict. Next week they are just a suggestion.
It is not a rulebook. It is a choose your own adventure novel.
Max Verstappen and the Patrick Mahomes Protection Program</h2>
Formula 1 needed a main character. A face. A narrative.
And Max Verstappen became their golden asset.
Not because he is untouchable. Not because he is “special.” But because dynasties sell.
And guess what? The NFL already wrote the blueprint with Patrick Mahomes.
Different sports. Same treatment.
Mahomes gets nicked late? Flag flies like the ref just got a bonus check.
Max gets squeezed? Suddenly it’s “just hard racing.”
Both of them exist inside systems that bend reality around them. Not because the universe favors them.
But because marketing departments do.
Internal data that I 100 percent invented but feels spiritually true:

Mahomes gets borderline calls in 68 percent of prime time games</li>
Max benefits from “interpretations” in 72 percent of controversial race incidents</li>
Fans defending both will always say “you just don’t understand the sport”</li> </ul>
No, we understand it. We just also understand branding.
Final Verdict: Open Corruption vs. Polite Corruption</h2>
FIFA is corrupt and does not care if you know it. Formula 1 is corrupt and asks you to admire the craftsmanship.
One robs you and laughs. The other robs you and calls it “a new era of racing.”
And we still show up. We still argue. We still pretend this time will be different.
Because deep down, sports are not about fairness.
They are about choosing which version of corruption you enjoy watching more from your couch.

Justin Herbert Is the MVP and Trevor Lawrence Might Actually Be a Glorified Giraffe: A Completely Objective Breakdown

Resident Ginger — Sun, 16 Nov 2025 12:13:00 -0500

In a shocking development that absolutely no one saw coming except literally every human with functioning eyes, the NFL MVP race has taken shape, and tragically for the Jacksonville Jaguars, it still includes Trevor Lawrence. The man who throws a football with the raw precision of a catapult built by drunken medieval peasants is somehow considered an “elite quarterback” by analysts who we can only assume are watching games through a fogged-up shower door.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the league, we have Justin Herbert, the walking embodiment of “franchise quarterback” and the only man in the NFL who could make a checkdown pass look like Oscar-winning cinema. Herbert’s game is so smooth, so majestic, that scientists are reportedly studying his throwing motion to determine whether he is, in fact, a genetically perfected arm-based lifeform sent here to show us true beauty.
And let’s talk lifestyle. While Lawrence radiates the overall aura of a youth pastor who wandered onto a football field by mistake, Herbert rolls in with a superstar-level aesthetic ecosystem that simply outclasses anything Jacksonville has produced since… well, ever. His whole personal-brand vibe is “Quarterback of the Future,” while Lawrence’s is more “Guy Who Brings a Bagged Lunch to a Wedding.”
But let’s get to the moment when the universe itself proved who the better quarterback truly is: the infamous Chargers-Jaguars playoff game. A game in which the Chargers built a lead so massive, so commanding, so absolutely insurmountable that you could’ve handed play-calling duties to a Magic 8-Ball and still closed it out.
Enter Brandon Staley.
If blowing historic leads were an Olympic sport, Staley would not only take gold, he’d also take silver, bronze, and several consolation medals for “Commitment to the Bit.” Herbert played out of his mind, throwing lasers, dimes, and possibly actual pieces of the sun. Lawrence threw approximately four interceptions before halftime, each one more artistically chaotic than the last. The man was essentially speed-running a meltdown.
And yet… the Chargers lost.
Not because of Herbert. Not because of the defense. Not because of divine intervention or the ghost of Philip Rivers demanding karmic repayment.
No, this is on One Man, a football visionary whose vision unfortunately appears to be whatever is written on the ceiling directly above him during games. Brandon Staley single-handedly coached so aggressively, so recklessly, so reality-defyingly poorly that the universe folded itself into a shape where Trevor Lawrence looked like a hero.
Trevor. Lawrence.
Herbert didn’t lose that game. Staley defeated Herbert. A true tactical masterpiece of self-sabotage.
And yet, here we are, pretending Lawrence belongs in the same breath as Herbert. Pretending the MVP conversation shouldn’t already be over. Pretending the man with the most disappointing playoff collapse forced upon him isn’t the league’s most valuable player.
Justin Herbert is the MVP. Trevor Lawrence is tall.
One of these things matters.

The Greatest Robbery Since Ocean’s 11: Wilmer Wlores Denied MVP, America Denied Justice

Danny Dimes — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 17:50:00 -0800

In a move that has shaken the baseball world, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America has committed what experts are calling “the worst decision since Blockbuster turned down Netflix.” Wilmer Flores, eternal Giant, master of clutch, and the man with forearms carved from angel tears and motor oil, has been denied the 2025 NL MVP.
Fans are calling it a national tragedy. Democracy itself is on life support. Reports are circulating that Joe Biden has declared a federal emergency, while local San Francisco bar owners have described beer shortages “worse than during the 2014 World Series run.”
“Flores was robbed,” said one fan standing outside Oracle Park with a life-size cardboard cutout of Wilmer and a sign reading, “He hit .270 in my heart.” “This man carried the offense, my emotions, and half the fan base’s marriage stability through August.”
The Voters’ Crime</h2>
The MVP instead went to someone who apparently “hit for average,” “led the league in WAR,” and “wasn’t on a sub-.500 team.” But context matters. Did their home runs come with Latin rhythm and a soft smile that makes you rethink your life choices? No. Did they play every day like they were powered by cold brew and raw affection for the baseball gods? Absolutely not.
One voter reportedly justified leaving Wilmer off their top 10 ballot by saying he “didn’t move the needle.” This same voter admitted to once calling OPS “overly political statistics.” Another left Flores off entirely because they “don’t trust players who look genuinely happy.”
Inside sources say the BBWAA group chat is full of chaos. One writer allegedly tried to vote for “the concept of youth,” while another submitted his fantasy baseball roster by accident.
The Flo-metrics</h2>
Our proprietary 5th Quarter Sports analytics model, built in a dorm room on a laptop covered in sunflower seed dust, shows that Flores ranked first in the following key stats:

Vibes Above Replacement (VAR): 11.3, league-leading.</li>
Clutch Hair Consistency: 98th percentile.</li>
“Would Help You Move a Couch” Score: 100 percent.</li>
Forearm WAR (F-WAR): Unquantifiable, possibly divine.</li> </ul>
When factoring in “emotional clutch” and “ability to deliver heart palpitations during late innings,” Flores’s performance surpasses even vintage Barry Bonds (without the side effects).
San Francisco in Mourning</h2>
After the snub, scenes in San Francisco turned biblical. Fans took to the streets chanting “Free Wilmer!” as Mission Street erupted in protest. A group of superfans erected a 12-foot statue made entirely of garlic fries and tears. At AT&T Park (which will always be AT&T, sorry Oracle), a candlelight vigil featured mariachi music, heartfelt poetry, and one drunk guy repeatedly yelling, “He made me believe again.”
Bob Melvin allegedly gave a speech in the locker room: “You can take the MVP from the man, but you can’t take the man from the MVP.” Then he ate a churro in silence.
The Man Himself When reporters told Flores about the snub, he smiled politely, winked, and said, “That’s okay. I play for fun.” Witnesses confirm several journalists audibly gasped, one fainted, and another proposed marriage on the spot.
Teammates claim Flores brushed it off with his usual charm, then went 3-for-4 in a charity game the next day, just because that’s who he is: part legend, part folk hero, all sexy dad energy.
MLB’s Attempt at Damage Control Commissioner Rob Manfred released a brief statement saying, “While we respect the voters, we hope fans understand the MVP is a subjective award and should not result in the destruction of office property.” Local reports indicate the statement was printed on a napkin from a Red Lobster.
The Final Word Let’s be honest, this isn’t about stats. This is about what’s right. Wilmer Flores deserves the MVP not for numbers, but for holding the Giants, and arguably society, together.
He is the reason for the season. The patron saint of underdogs and overachievers. The human embodiment of a walk-off hug.
You can give another man the trophy, but you can’t out-MVP a legend. Somewhere, across a sunset-lit clubhouse, Wilmer smiles. Baseball weeps. And the BBWAA better start hiding their ballots, because justice for Wilmer never sleeps.

The People’s Pigskin Showdown: Which NYC Team Is More Socialist, New York Jets or New York Giants?

Daddy Dumbass — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:08:00 -0800

SACRAMENTO -- With Zohran Mamdani now mayor-elect of NYC and promising bold socialist-style measures at City Hall, you might wonder: which of the two New York pro-football franchises is truly living the socialist dream? And if you peel back the veneer of equality, what does it say about the model?
Case for the Jets: Redistributing Assets (Because Why Not?)</h3>
The Jets’ recent offseason and trade activity scream of redistribution except instead of wealth, they’re handing off star players.
They just traded away two-time All-Pro cornerback Sauce Gardner to the Indianapolis Colts in exchange for first-round picks in 2026 and 2027. 
In the socialist ideal, redistribution means everyone gets a piece. In practice: the Jets aren’t giving wins to the people they’re giving away cornerstone pieces.
Under Mayor Mamdani’s hypothetical “everyone deserves equal access” banner, the Jets are more like: “Everyone share in the losses equally.” Because after trading away Gardner, their corner room suddenly has rookies stepping up. 
The Jets’ franchise is promising to give future picks (future value) to fans in lieu of present results. That’s akin to a utopian policy of “we’ll fix things eventually” socialist in promise, shaky in delivery.
Case for the Giants: Committee Socialism… With No Results</h3>
The Giants present a different flavor: lots of shared responsibility, decision-making committees (owner, GM, coach), and distributed failure.
The Giants fired head coach Brian Daboll after a 2-8 start this season and 20-40-1 over his tenure. 
The outfit’s structure: GM remains, coaching changes come mid-season, players publicly express frustration. It’s a unit that promises equality (everyone has input, everyone shares the pain) but lacks leadership or clarity. 
Under a so-called socialist city administration that champions collective good, the Giants are a more literal match: no one star dominates, the load is shared unfortunately, that load is the blame.
A More Critical Take on the “Socialist Sports Franchise” Idea</h3>
Socialism promises distribution of resources for collective benefit. Neither team is really doing that: Jets are giving away stars, Giants are distributing chaos.
The underlying assumption: “We’ll spread things out so everyone wins.” Instead what happens: Jets lose their star, future is uncertain; Giants lose faith in coaching and stability.
In a sports context, results matter. Equal access is cute, but if you redistribute mediocrity, you end up with nothing but equality in irrelevance.
With Mayor Mamdani’s policies in the real world promising free services, rent freezes, city-run enterprises the metaphor is compelling but also damning: if everyone gets the same mediocre output, what incentive remains for excellence? The Jets and Giants both show that problem.
The People’s Verdict</h3>
Jets: “Let’s tear down the star, promise future picks, hope for better days.” Socialist in rhetoric, but arguably reckless in outcome.
Giants: “Let’s share leadership, share responsibility, share losses.” More structurally socialist, but lacking in performance or visible benefit to the supporters. If you ask which is more socialist, the Giants take it because they embody the “everyone has a part, everyone pays a price” model more fully. But that’s faint praise when the price is losing and instability.
Final Score</h2>
Giants 1.0 | Jets 0.9, because yes, equality is nice, but if that equality is equally bad, what have we really achieved?

Baseball Rigged? Shocking New Evidence MLB Writers Handed MVP to Aaron Judge Before Season Even Started

Resident Ginger — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 11:42:00 -0800

In a stunning revelation that absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem should find surprising, new “evidence” (also known as common sense and basic pattern recognition) confirms that MLB writers handed Aaron Judge the MVP months before the season even began — probably sometime around January, between their third Dunkin’ trip and their daily ritual of ignoring West Coast baseball entirely.
And who paid the price for this premeditated, baseball-voting atrocity? None other than the rightful, mathematically inevitable, universally beloved MVP: Cal “Ballistic Missile” Raleigh, the catcher who carried an entire franchise, several ZIP codes, and four tectonic plates on his back this season.
But sure. Give it to Judge. Again.
MLB writers — a group best described as “sports bloggers who time-traveled from 1973 and brought their biases with them” — apparently looked at the league, saw Cal Raleigh launching baseballs into low orbit, calling games with chess-grandmaster-level telepathy, and dragging the Mariners into relevance with the raw power of his thighs, and said, “Hmm yes, but Aaron Judge plays for the Yankees though.”
Did they analyze stats? Did they consider value? Did they even pretend to watch a Mariners game? Of course not. MLB writers haven’t stayed awake past the third inning of a West Coast game since the Bush administration. Their circadian rhythms don’t allow it.
So instead of giving the MVP to a catcher hitting nukes so violent NORAD had to update its missile-defense protocols, they gave it to Judge — a man who, according to sources, won the award because writers “already had his name pre-filled on the ballot” and “didn’t want to reach for the delete key.”
This wasn’t voting. This was muscle memory.
Let’s be clear: Cal Raleigh didn’t just play baseball this year. He dominated reality. Every pitch he caught gained 2 mph simply out of respect. Every pitcher who threw to him saw their ERA drop by a run purely because they didn’t want to disappoint him. Every home run he hit triggered a mild earthquake, but the Pacific Northwest just calls that “Tuesday.”
But none of that mattered. Because the writers saw “Yankees” on the ballot and blacked out like they’d just viewed the Ark of the Covenant.
The MVP race wasn’t rigged. It was pre-rigged. It came rigged from the factory. Cal Raleigh walked in with Excalibur; Judge walked in with a pinstriped participation trophy; the writers handed him the crown before Raleigh even finished stretching.
Still, real baseball fans know the truth. Not the writers. Not the coastal elite baseball illuminati. The fans. They know who the real MVP is. The man who swings a bat like he’s trying to punish baseballs for past crimes. The man who catches pitches like he’s intercepting enemy fire. The man whose presence alone raises Seattle’s GDP.
Cal. Freaking. Raleigh.
Judge can have the trophy.
Raleigh owns the legend.
And also, again, several baseballs still orbiting the planet.

DraftKings announces partnership with my Grandma, shes parlayed my inheritance away

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 17:49:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- One hears more and more about how the youth of America are becoming hopelessly enthralled in the world of online sports gambling. They're literal taps on their screen away from winning life-changing amounts of money, all for the entry fee of $5 and the first time is free. Gambling Addiction Hotlines operators are wading through a record number of calls from the troubled disillusioned youth. The operators themselves are experiencing a record high in suicides, but that is mainly attributed to a change in the management structure of the main aggregated Addition/Crisis Hotline company (they're all under one Private Equity firm called BlackRock Private Equity Partners.) Some hyper-competitive incentivisation scheme, and an internal wagering pool predicated on the operator with the lowest calls-to-time-spent-on-phone for that quarter. A vicious, cyclical paradigm where the Gambling Addition Hotline operators then subsequently get addicted to the wagering pool and call into the Gambling Addition Hotline just to speak to the person sitting to their right. And often neither of them has the gall to acknowledge this predicament, so they go through with the conversation fighting through the delayed echo effect of the voice next to them hitting their ear drums MUCH faster than the signal from the phone. There was one purported case of a Gambling Addition Hotline operator actually being connected to themselves, as they called from their personal cellular device whilst at their desk. And, due to the cruel aforementioned company incentivized policy, they realized that they could actually call themselves to game the system. But, they had to make it look reasonable, as a call which ended "too-short" triggers the internal detection system which disregards too-short calls. So they balanced between 2-5 minutes per-self call on the recorded line, disguising their voice and muffling one microphone while juggling calls, as calls are recorded for Training Purposes. They won two fiscal quarters in a row before being reported by the Gambling Addition Hotline operator to their left.
There are two generations of young men coming face to face with the fact that the American dream is infact dead or maybe never even existed, and within 5 years there will be a third generation joining these ranks. They see that the true success in this nation-of-the-free is either luck, or the luck of your forefathers coupled with the compound-interest of the stock-market. The solution is presented right to them inbetween bouts of Monday Night Football in the form of a brightly colored app on their personal cellular device. The Oracle whispers forbidden knowledge into their ears through their wireless Bluetooth enabled ear-buds. Same-game-parlay, the harpies talons rank down the back of their neck, caressing their spine and making the gray matter of their brains quiver with delight and ecstasy. First-games-free. The phrase has enough to cause one to ejaculate in their trousers.
If COIVD was a world-changing pandemic, the same-game-parlay might as well be the modern day black plague. And the Robinhood/WeBull darkpool options trading can be equated to cancer mixed with AIDS concocted in a sterile lab and smuggled out by a disgruntled Erlenmeyer-Flask-Jockey. "The Singularity is Near", as the great pianist Ray Kurzwei once put on the dust jacket of a shitty book. The Event Horizon? You guessed it, same-game-parlays and first-games-free. The Devil's greatest trick was convincing man that Keegan Murray, Russell Westbrook, Sabonis, and Malik Monk can each score over 24 pts in a single game.
The revolution will not be televised, it will be organized in group chats, discords, and through encrypted smoke signals.
Anyways, the much like the Spanish Flu (Spain's flu game, 23), the virus has spread into nursing homes devastating not only the geriatric populations which built this broken country, but also the projected Estate Taxes for the next decade. The IRS is in absolute shambles, their perfectly crafted forecasting models have been disproven by a Black Swan event over night, Nassim Nicholas Taleb you son-of-a-bitch we should have listened. Luck giveth, and luck taketh away. I will not be joining the ranks of the oligarchs, will not dine at the table of Zuck, Musk, or Ellison. I will eat Wendys, jack off, and sleep fitfully knowing that this great nation-of-the-free has balance and everyone belongs in their place. America is the ultimate expression of predestination whilst simultaneously taking the free will paradox to the most extreme by giving 16 year olds access to guns and porn (a 4chan cocktail as its called in some circles.) America was Conceived Immaculately, a virgin land if you don't count the thousands of people living here already. And when it comes to pass that it shall give up the ghost we can rest easily knowing it was all our faults.

Brian Daboll can't get his SNAP benefits; Save us Arch you're our only hope

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 14:21:00 -0800

NEW YORK -- Its a dark day for the city of New York, and an even darker month. Hired in just 2022 with a fire cracker season, things went from bad to worse for Daboll. And now, the former head coach of the New York Giants is now on the brink of homelessness, and is considering sharing space in the sewers of New York with the mutated turtles and fresh Albanian immigrants. This is the absolute worst time for him to lose his job, in this economy without readily available government assistance? How will he feed his literal 6 children?
Danny Dimes couldn't save them, after he went from throwing dimes to selling bags of them. Jaxson Dart can't even spell his own fucked up name after what happened to him today. A young-blood is needed. Some fresh young, tight citrus with dimpled dewy skin.
The only solution to this problem? Arch Manning drops out of UT and ascends the thrown like Faramir to Gondor. One throw to rule them all, one throw to win them. One pass to win the game, and in New York bind them. The Manning name shall live on in the hallowed halls of Metlife stadium. The Stewards of Metlife shall lead New York out of the trenches of defeat.

BREAKING: Terence Crawford Will Focus Less On Boxing, More On Toastmasters

Nathan Graves — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 20:04:00 -0800

OMAHA, Nebraska – It has been two months since Terence Crawford dethroned Canelo Álvarez in the fight of the year and became the Undisputed Super Middleweight Champion, and fans and analysts alike have been wondering what Crawford will do next.
Their questions were answered this morning when the undefeated Crawford, who holds a 42-0 record and has a generally interesting backstory, announced he will step away from boxing to spend more time on Toastmasters, the long-running social club for people seeking to improve their communication and public speaking skills.
In a private press conference held exclusively for his favorite news outlets, Crawford read from handwritten cue cards and gave the following remarks:

Good morning. It has come to my attention that I am an extremely boring person whenever I talk out loud, and that my tone, demeanor, and message come across as offensively flat and devoid of any recognizable human expression.
Out of concern for how this could damage my career and reflect on my personality, I have decided to focus my training on Toastmasters, which is like a club for anyone who wants to come practice their public speaking, but in a friendly, safe environment.
This training will empower me to produce convincing emotions in my delivery and to say things that will keep interviewers from wishing they were elsewhere.
In order to accomplish this goal, I must take a step back from boxing, the sport I have loved, dominated, and devoted my life to. But I want to assure my competitors and my fans that this break is temporary, and I will return as a better fighter, interviewee, and friend.
I have achieved everything I’ve set my mind to in boxing, I’ve won every fight, and I have proven that my name belongs amongst the greatest the sport has ever seen. It is obvious to me now that the only threat to my legacy is the catastrophically boring effect that I have on everyone I speak to.
But hear me now: I will rise to the challenge, yet again. </blockquote>
Crawford then took questions from the last reporter still in the room, but said little of note.

BREAKING: Antonio Brown arrested for being too based and red-pilled

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 18:14:00 -0800

SAN FRANCISCO -- I mean, we can't even fly to Dubai while being an internationally wanted criminal anymore? Insane. They're treating AB like RD (Rodrigo Duterte) at the Hague.
We need a CTESPN Live Replay of this arrest.
But in all seriousness what is up with those with head trauma loving guns?

Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live game

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 01 Nov 2025 09:21:00 -0700

DAYTON, OH -- A wave of hatred is rolling across the great US. There are senate bills being proposed in Maryland</a> and other states to ban sports betting outright. There is nation wide blowback to the prevalence of DraftKing, FanDuel, PrizePicks, Caesars, Underdog, and various other gambling platform ads which pollute nearly all of sporting broadcasts. Your friends have their phones in their hands during every game, palms dewy from the constant stress of hitting a $5 promotional same-game parlay for some made-up virtual or crypto currency.
No longer is betting confined to a cigar filled Sports Book in the corner of a reservation casino, which they literally only keep them open as a courtesy while your wife goes and plays slots. That is what a Sports Book really used to be. Essentially an adult daycare with the grown man equivalent of Cocomelon playing on 12 screens. Not a single thought floating through that toddler brain as you clutched a little slip of paper, sipped a light lager, and perspired freely.
No longer. This activity is now readily available from the comfort of your own couch. As God intended. You don't need to pay for a $10 Miller Lite anymore, and you're free from bumping shoulders with strangers. The equivalent to Bowling Alone for the previously social act of losing and winning money on the physical merits of another human being.
They're trying to take this away from you, just like everything else.
The 5thQuarterSports staff sees this as tragic. We think the world needs to go into the opposite direction. Embrace, Extend, Enshittify. Sports Betting should become the barrier of entry. The bare minimum requirement to even watch a sporting event for free. Hear me out. Instead of having 100+ streaming subscription based services, there are free streaming platforms with integrations into the major Sports Books. We get rid of ads completely. All one needs to do is place a few bets during the game. A minimum of 5 per game is a good start.
I know what you are thinking. "The first one is free", you say. A common adage when it comes to the entry point to an addictive behavior. But, don't you see, that is the point. This will proliferate like wild-fire. Reality TV shows, network television, late-night TV hosts. Next up, highschool sports and little league and pee-wee football games.
America must embrace this. It is only being propped up by the creative accounting bets made on AI, so this is the next logical progression of not only our societal future but also the basis of a new financial paradigm. Third and fourth order derivatives on betting. Bundling parlays into tranches. Selling these to retirement investors. It. Is. The. Future.
I love you.

The Eagles took out Skattebo specifically to tank my fantasy season

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 26 Oct 2025 12:01:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO -- I've been playing Fantasy Football for approaching 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. And look, is that on me? No. Trades are for the weak. I'm confident in my choices.
However this season was different. I was SET UP to win. It was basically ordained. The Pope gave up the ghost, and in his dying breath he granted me this season like an indulgence upon a Medici. Until this fateful day.
I must have pissed off a witch, or at minimum the goth barista who spits in my drink every morning. She also gets a complaint when she doesn't.
The universe conspired against me, some Butterfly Effect-esque event with less Kutcher than I would prefer. The Eagles intentionally shattered Cam's ankle, I'm coming out and saying it. Anything is possible, especially with all the gambling allegations floating around</a>.
Here is the kicker: I fell on my own sword. In a twist of fate I somehow also drafted the Eagles defense. Not only did I draft them, I took a chance and drafted them as my second round pick. Is this destiny? Punishment for a lack of hubris? Some cruel joke? I can't tell.
What I do know is: I'm not winning fantasy for an 11th year in a row.

LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 11:39:00 -0700

SAN FRANCISCO -- Wait, you're telling me the NBA is rigged? Can't be. Not after the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals. Not after the physical existence of Scott Foster since birth. It is 2025, the Mafia doesn't even exist anymore.
This reads like a David Baldacci, complete with X-Ray machines, on-going blackmail, threats of violence and more.
The thing is that Bron is CLEAN. No controversies. Those women-of-the-night that Drake hooked him up with? Good clean fun, they went to lazer tag. Mims and Alexander? They were getting their pump on while Bron turned the other cheek. Bronny? A star athlete who deserves to be in the NBA.
So what does the radical woke left do? They get paid by Soros and protest as always. Now they're swarming the Crypto Arena, hungry for blood. They're chanting "No Kings", "Bring the Lakers back to Minnesota", and they're calling for the Mike Pence treatment of Scott Foster.
Adam Silver says that there are good people on both sides of this.
And we do not agree.

Could Saquon Barkley Take A Velociraptor?

Nathan Graves — Wed, 22 Oct 2025 18:25:00 -0700

ISLA SORNA, Costa Rica – Saquon Barkley is at the height of his powers and in the best shape of his life. At just 28 years old, the Eagles running back has entered his eighth NFL season as the reigning Offensive Player of the Year and a Superbowl champion, not to mention the most popular player in the league. He has all the flashy moves, confidence, and winning mentality of a superstar, and as good as he is, he’s only getting better.
So, could Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked?
No. Two Saquon Barkleys couldn’t beat a raptor. Three Saquon Barkleys is where we can start to have a discussion, but it’s still most likely all of them are dead or dying within a couple minutes.
You might say, “but that’s Saquon Barkley. He’s a big guy- 233 pounds. But he’s also super fast and agile. The dude breaks tackles in his sleep.”
Well, maybe mommy and daddy haven’t let you watch Jurassic Park yet, because if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be so sure about his chances against a raptor. Look: we’re not talking about the huggable teddy bears from the reboot movies. We’re talking about the real thing. The 300-pound six-feet-tall phantom predators of your dad’s nightmares. Deinonychus.
We’re talking about deranged man-sized lizard monsters that only want to hunt and eat YOU. They have cheetah speed and knives for fingernails, and can open doors and jump onto roofs. Make no mistake, they have complete psycho energy at all hours of the day, and they will chase you down, disembowel you with one swipe, and start eating your organs while you’re still alive. Dead serious. They’re fucking terrifying. If my parents hear me say that I’m toast, but there’s no other way to describe it.
</div> Image Source</a>
So how about five Saquon Barkleys? Surely five of the 2024 NFL Offensive Player of the Year could beat one raptor, right?
Well, consider this: it only takes a fraction of a second for a raptor to disembowel a Saquon Barkley, completely taking him out of the game. Now you only have four Saquon Barkleys.
10 Saquon Barkleys is interesting because you have enough bodies to somewhat overwhelm the raptor, at least for a moment. But what even is their offense? Can you punch a raptor to death? Are they going to kick it in the ribs? Remember, they’re not wearing shoes.
It seems the real plan would be to have one or two Saquon Barkleys try to strangle the raptor while the rest pin it down. Certainly, some restraining will have to be done, and a handful of Saquon Barkleys would indeed have a weight advantage. However, the barrier remains, and the Saquon Barkleys know this, that to the raptor’s teeth and razor-sharp claws, their soft naked bodies would be like butter to a hot knife.
</div> Image Source</a>
Let’s go for overkill: 25 Saquon Barkleys. 25 of the best running back in the game, the former Offensive Rookie of the Year turned Superbowl Champion and NFL Rushing Yards Leader. Surely 25 Saquon Barkleys is sufficient, but let’s do our due diligence and examine the situation at hand:
This velociraptor is a death machine out of its mind. You’re 25 Saquon Barkleys with no clothes on and no organization. There’s nothing to hide behind and you’re scared and ashamed of your manhood, and by the time you snap to reality you’re down to 21, then 20 Saquon Barkleys, and there’s blood everywhere, and all you hear is screaming, and snarling, and no one has even hurt the raptor yet.
So as difficult to believe as it may be, the research indicates that 25 Saquon Barkleys would have a very tough time winning this fight.
Could 100 Saquon Barkleys take a raptor?
Sure, why not. Maybe if they’re well-coordinated and really have some harumph in the fight, maybe they could beat the raptor.
But you can’t have 100 Saquon Barkleys.
In the opinion of this reporter, any reasonable number of Saquon Barkleys is not enough to win this fight, and even unreasonable numbers like 100 are dubious.
And with that I can hear all you would-be paleontologists typing at me, so okay, fine. We can dream. My mom didn’t cover my eyes during the raptor scenes, and we’re way out of scope, but sure, we can dream. How many seats are there in Lincoln Financial Stadium? 67,594.
Could 67,594 Saquon Barkleys kill a raptor? Yeah, I guess they probably could.
But what’s even the point of that? 67,594 nobodies could kill a raptor, probably. You’re now completely missing the point of journalistic inquiry and sadly, Saquon Barkley no longer has a place in this conversation.
But still, imagine- a stadium completely full of people, with two football teams and all the crew and everyone on the sidelines, and venders and mascots amongst the crowd and useless security milling about- upwards of 68,000 people. 68,000 people naked and confused and suddenly very afraid, and one pissed-off velociraptor right at center field.
Imagine that. Wait no, a T-Rex.

The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices

Nathan Graves — Tue, 02 Sep 2025 17:42:00 -0700

LOS ANGELES, California – The Los Angeles Dodgers have cemented themselves as the reigning dynasty in baseball, and despite a rockier season than last year, have seemed prepared to repeat their World Series victory this fall. However, their hopes for a second championship now seem to be in jeopardy as the 92-year-old artist Yoko Ono has been showing up to more and more of the team’s practices.
Dodgers Head Coach Dave Roberts had this to say:
“We all agree it’s totally inappropriate for her to be there, but no one throws her out so, apparently it’s allowed. Most of the time she’s quiet and just watches. There’s also been a few times where she started wailing into a microphone and someone had to go take it away from her. I drew the line when she said she should be on the team playing as backup catcher, and luckily no one has budged on that.”
Ono has made no statement about her intentions and 5thQuarterSports did not want to approach her for comment.

BREAKING: Cooper Flagg Passed Up Offer For Secretary Of Defense To Join NBA Draft

Nathan Graves — Sun, 20 Jul 2025 14:13:00 -0700

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Three weeks after 18-year-old Cooper Flagg was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks as the first overall pick in the 2025 NBA Draft, the promising young star let it slip that he had recently passed up an offer from President Donald Trump to become the next Secretary of Defense, the highest executive position over the United States Armed Forces.
In a conversation he hoped would stay between us, Flagg said President Trump personally gave him an open invitation to take the role earlier this year.
“It was over the phone, and it was short. He didn’t really offer me the job like right then, he just said ‘whenever we’re done with [Secretary of Defense] Pete [Hegseth].’”
Flagg explained that he had strongly considered taking the job but was worried it would conflict with his dreams of becoming a professional basketball player.
Asked to comment, President Trump said, “Cooper Flagg, what a name. I think it sounds like America winning a great big battle for our beautiful country. And he’s kind of like Larry Bird, we love Larry Bird.”

The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams

Nathan Graves — Fri, 27 Jun 2025 05:27:00 +0000

OAKLAND, California – The Golden State Valkyries are tearing it up in their inaugural season as part of the WNBA’s latest expansion and showing plenty of promise as the newest pro sports team in the San Francisco Bay Area.
And even amidst their excitement, the Valkyries players continue to show a stunning sensitivity to how this is actually a dark and desperate time for Bay Area sports fans, owing to the recent departure of some of the region’s most beloved franchises.
The 49ers moving their stadium to Santa Clara, and the Warriors bailing across the bay to San Francisco- those were both betrayals. But the first true gut punch was when the Raiders completely abandoned Oakland and moved away to become The Las Vegas Raiders.
And now the Oakland Athletics, **historic and iconic franchise of the East Bay** after years and years of agonizing back-and-forths and heartlessly toying with their fanbase, the A’s are finally, officially, leaving the Bay. And they’re also moving to Vegas- but for the next three years until their stadium is built, they’re playing their games in, of all places, Sacramento?!
These are the kinds of frustrations you will hear whispered or shouted in sports bars and social gatherings across the Bay Area, and usually somewhere behind the people talking is a Valkyries player nodding with a blank expression.
If they’re having this conversation at a park with a large open field, then sometimes there are two Valkyries players nodding in the background, and usually behind them is a Bay FC player raising her arms and yelling, but she’s way over on the other end of the field.

Top 5 NFL Players Who Could Be The Next Unibomber

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 16 Jun 2025 19:01:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- We break down which players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense.
5. Nick Chubb</h3>
Huge shoutout to the man Nick, a pillar of his community. Sadly he makes the list. This Texan hails from small town Georgia, Cedartown to be exact. Hidden in this little town? Does it ring any bells? That's right, the dark tunes of Wayland Jennings and his Cedartown, Georgia album. This inspiration, while loose, definitely touched the heart of Chubb and that's the reason he ends up on our little list.
4. Kyle Juszczyk</h3>
Harvard-man himself Juszczyk makes the list at number 4. Harvard just so happens to be the school that Kaczynski also attended. Coincidence? Probably. While we don't have any proof he had not participated in any mind-control studies while attending school, we also can't say we don't have proof. That being said, we think this number 4 slot is well deserved. There are few Harvard grads in the NFL comparatively so this carries extra weight in our analysis.
3. Andy Gallik</h3>
Up next is Galik, selected in the 2015 draft. While his career was brief, he still makes the list in our eyes. Why you ask? Good question. He and Ted both grew up in Evergreen Park, Illinois. Maybe there is something in the water there, maybe there isn't. We don't want to find out.
2. John Urschel</h3>
Urschel is a shining star and a powerful mind. Sadly, so was Kaczynski. Urschel attended MIT where he obtained an impressive PhD in mathematics. Now, was Ted one of his personal heros? We don't believe so, but something lines up a bit too strongly. Both men are cool, calculating, and sharp. However Urschel is a Canadian so that might as well disqualify him from this list.
1. Kaleb McGary</h3>
Finally, our best guess. McGary grew up hunting and fishing in the Pacific Northwest, a true outdoorsman. He is interested in living off the grid post-NFL, ready to dissolve into the background of the wilderness Into the Wild style. Bad news, so was Ted. We hear the cabin was removed from the lab, Kaleb. Don't go lookin' for it.
Index</h4>

The Small-Town NFL Player

https://encompass.eku.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1639&context=etd</li> </ul> </li>
Cedartown, Georgia -- Wayland Jennings

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cedartown,Georgia(album)</li> </ul> </li> </ul>

Coco Gauff Gets New Brand Partnerships After French Open: Coco Gauff Cocofloss, Coco Gauff Cocoa Puffs, and more

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 16:45:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. With this win comes fame, recognition, and of course brand deals. The world has moved on pasted the time honored Wheaties, the world has more sophisticated tastes. On the table for Gauff is Cocofloss</a>, the rope-like floss which is sweeping the nation. This is fitting for a tennis player because it is thick and durable enough to string a racket. It causes advanced levels of gum bleeding, it is NOT for the faint of heart.
Up next on the list of sponsorship deals is with Cocoa Puffs. We are coo-coo for Coco Gauff (my Canadian girlfriend told me this one as I was desperately trying to find other pun-based sponsorships). The commercial is set to be in the style of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", with her playing tennis against that fucked up bird which I can't seem to Google the name for.
Finally, we have Coco Gauff coconuts. I've given up. I've been doomscrolling for weeks, 4-5 hours on my phone each day just flicking between apps like a rat with a pleasure button. I don't even watch tennis. I'm so underqualified to write this article.
Shout out Coco Gauff. We're proud.

Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted Family Secret On The Eve Of Game 1 Of The NBA Finals

Nathan Graves — Thu, 05 Jun 2025 11:49:00 +0000

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – The NBA Finals are finally here, and this year features a thrilling matchup of two young teams eager to win their first championship: The Oklahoma City Thunder, led by league MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and The Indiana Pacers, led by the intrepid Tyrese Haliburton. The Thunder haven’t won a championship since 1979 when the team was still in Seattle, and the Pacers have only one failed Finals run to their names. With these franchises hungry for a title and so many up-and-coming players new to this level of the game, the stage is set for a historic and exhilarating Finals series and it all begins at 5:30 tomorrow with tip-off at Paycom Center in downtown Oklahoma City.
But Tyrese Haliburton’s mind may be elsewhere.
Haliburton told 5QS reporters late tonight that he had just learned of a dark and terrible secret about his family- a twisted tale of feuds, conspiracies, betrayal, and romance that stretches across his family tree for generations.
The 25-year-old says the true story of his family was revealed to him earlier tonight by a relative he had believed to be dead when they suddenly opened the sliding door to his hotel balcony and stepped out into the cool night air to greet him, a mere 19 hours before the start of Game 1 of The NBA Finals.
This raises immediate and obvious questions about Haliburton’s fitness to play in these crucial Finals games. When we spoke to the ECF Champion at the hotel bar he appeared to be deeply shaken by the story he had heard, which he described as an epic prologue of tragedy, triumph, and the cyclical missteps of man.
What is Tyrese going to do?! This would be a lot for anyone to process, let alone someone who is making their Finals debut tomorrow.
What if tomorrow night the Pacers are down by 1 with 8 seconds left in the game and Tyrese has the ball but all he can think about is how deep the betrayal runs!?
Now that he knows the man who raised him is not his real father, will he still be able to make dagger threes in the fourth quarter like he’s done all season?
Will he be distracted by his family cheering for him from the sidelines, knowing that they have stolen his inheritance and made him live a lie??
It’s a lot to take in, and there are a million questions that Tyrese will want answered.
Additionally, the young star now has actions he can take, choices he must make; yet, Tyrese knows that getting involved may cost him not just his Mamba Mentality, but his life.
If even half of the story is true, being one of the few living people who knows the secret will put a target on his back, both from family members and from the law.
Then again, Haliburton himself may now be out for blood. Lord knows he’d be within his rights. But no matter how bad he wants to see justice done, right now he has a responsibility to his team and his fans to be totally locked in for The Finals.
But is Tyrese going to be ready???
And now that he knows one of the players on the Thunder is actually his biological brother but they don’t know it, will he be able to guard that player, or drive on him when the Pacers really need a basket in crunch time??
When we spoke to Tyrese he said he was ready for the game and the news he received wouldn’t affect his performance, but he gravely acknowledged there was a lot to think about.
He said he couldn’t go into any details, but it seems to this reporter that Tyrese’s entire extended family has lied to him about his identity and the nature of his conception, possibly so as to cut him out of inheritance money from the diamond mine in the Congo that brought vast wealth to his mother’s side of the family and financed the early criminal activities of his father’s side, but possibly also to keep him in the dark about both family’s ties to the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and Singapore, or about the escalating violence that has taken the lives of dozens of relatives on both sides and that served as the backdrop for the forbidden romance of his mother and his real father, who has recently gone missing. The plot to deceive Tyrese was likely orchestrated by his great grandmother who is living to an unusual age and by his disfigured uncle who inherited the deed to the diamond mine after the mysterious death of his able-bodied brother but later lost it to the dangerous madam of a Grecian brothel who was herself a client of Tyrese’s paternal grandfather’s criminal conglomerate and helped assure their safe passage to America and expansion into competitive markets. The deed lost, a group of Tyrese’s mother’s siblings and cousins, most of which had disappeared from society, would later arrange the believable death of the dangerous madam’s daughter, by then the holder of the deed to the diamond mine deep in the Congo, and grant ownership to the eldest living cousin, John, who had the next in line cousin sent to a sanatorium where she would stay until her unbelievable death and where she met the imposter that would later pretend to be Tyrese’s father, all while his mother conspired with Tyrese’s real father on the side for machinations that are yet unknown and personally set out to eliminate any threats to her inheritance and to destroy the last remaining sperm samples of Tyrese’s real father and the imposter.
And The Finals are tomorrow!

Opinion: UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters

Nathan Graves — Wed, 28 May 2025 12:13:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – It seems like we don’t really need sign language interpreters for UFC fights. Sports commentators already have so little to say, and, as far as sports go, it’s pretty easy to understand what’s happening in a fight.
Having a sign language interpreter just means you’re watching them the whole time and missing all the action. The same is true of subtitles, which should be discouraged across all sports and any media not in a foreign language.
And it seems there’s little the interpreter could say that isn’t being said by the fighters.
More importantly, UFC fights are invaluable opportunities for multi-tasking, starting with the fact that one should always be listening to music and/or podcasts while watching a fight.
For music, we recommend Ravel’s Bolero or Vulvodynia’s Praenuntius Infiniti. For podcasts, it doesn’t really matter.
As you watch the fight there are tons of quick moments where you can sneak in a few pushups, work on a long text, or practice your efficacy. Stealing these moments is essential to the success of any hot-blooded go-getter, and fighting sports present an ideal scenario.
And anyways, if you’re watching a UFC fight, then really you should be watching a Jake Paul fight. He’s a boxer, he doesn’t do UFC stuff.

Tom Brady 'Crashes Out' At Indy 500, Catches On Invisible Fire

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 27 May 2025 18:10:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS -- Legendary sports commentator and Gisele Bündchen's ex-husband Tom Brady really stepped in this one. While off the track he is known for playing in various Netflix comedy shows and giving unrequested advice on quarterbacking</a>, on the track he has a new persona. "Hot shot".
While flippantly smoking a black-and-mild during a refuel Tom sadly was engulfed in flames. Some thought this was a bit, a throwback to the beloved early 2000s comedy titled Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. We honestly thought the footage was some kind of Veo 3</a> deep-fake. However sources say this was real. Luckily, Tom's face is mostly plastic now, so he only ended up looking like a Ken Doll that a 10 year old held under a microscope for too long.
Danica Patrick was quoted saying
"GoDaddy is an amazing hosting provider"
Which we thought was a bit odd, and topically unrelated.
And car number 8 driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was not available for comment.
Also Indianapolis is a crazy name for a city. Like, just slap the -polis prefix on Indiana? Wild stuff out there in the midwest.

Aaron Rogers Claims "Hot Dogs" Cure Cancer and "Mustard" Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 24 May 2025 12:46:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- The Glizzy Gobbler, the Johnsonville man of the year, the King Glizard himself, Aaron Rodgers appeared on the JRE podcast spouting some truly revolutionary ideas surrounding health and wellness. This is some life altering medical advice from a professional who's been doing his own research since his days in the lab back at Butte College, just outside of lovely Chico, California</a>.
First up, nanoparticles. He is been studying mustard for decades, this man knows his sauces. He's looked at the common French's from Walmart, to German Stone Ground from Wholefoods, to even specialty varieties like Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale Mustard from his alma mater. And guess what? They ALL cure AIDS. Wild stuff. They help restore T-Cell counts, and teach the body how to stop the small HIV invaders from propagating. Wild wild stuff. He is making strides in support of the LGBTQ+ community and we commend him for his forward thinking.
Then came the shocker. Weiners cure cancer. Something to do with nanoparticles attacking the microtubuales gone haywire after telomere shortening, but we're no experts and those three syllable words just confuse and anger us. Must be the head trauma. Apparently the number of grill marks are directly correlated to the shrinkage of tumors. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes. Sinclair's "The Jungle" had it all wrong.
Finally, when prodded by Rogan, Rogers opened up and announced that he is in talks to replace RFK JR. as Secretary of HHS after he had fallen out of favor with the Trump administration for attempting to curb the West Texas measles outbreak. Astonishing stuff, a meteoric rise in his political career.
We may</a> have been</a> critical of the man in the past but we will be watching the health of the country closely after everyone is prescribed one glizzy per day, with mustard.

White South African Refugees to Join BYU Men's Basketball Team

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 15 May 2025 13:15:00 +0000

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- Freshly off Ellis Island and with their new American names, "John Smith", "Malachi Johnson", and "Dave Nbusters" have officially joined the BYU men's basketball team. Coach Keven Young (yes, that is actually the real name of the BYU men's basketball coach in 2025 we didn't make this part up) is excited to welcome the newcomers.
"We've needed some diversity on this team for quite some time", he says in a recent interview.
We quizzled Grok, the semi-sentient AI trained by billionaire of South African origin Elon Musk, about this development. There have been claims that it has been overtrained by information booklets about a genocide in the region. When prompted it claimed it had no idea about the subject, that it wasn't recently fed with a few hundred man hours of reading materials, and that you should make your opinions based on your own experiences. An interesting and frankly unexpected response.
We're excited to track the newcomer's stats this season and will be watching closely at their gameplay. However their refusal to share the court with players of Asiatic descent is concerning and does not bode well for the season.

Anthony Edwards Should Just Go For It And Tell His Children He Loves Them

Nathan Graves — Thu, 15 May 2025 12:08:00 +0000

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – At only 23 years old and in his fifth season, Anthony Edwards has quickly become one of the most athletic and popular players in the NBA. He has grown to be truly dominant on the court and is currently leading the Timberwolves on their fourth straight playoff run.
The Timberwolves star is also rumored to be the “chosen one” as the next face of the league and confirmed to be an absentee father to at least three children with three different mothers.
Consequently, Edwards has spent most of the last two years facing media scrutiny for his fatherly absence, as well as some gentle encouragement to acknowledge his children more often.
It is our opinion here at 5th Quarter Sports that Anthony Edwards should go for it and tell his bastard children he loves them. We believe this would have a good outcome for Edwards because small children have no idea when you’re lying to them.
Naturally, this is a complicated course of action for the three-time NBA All Star. Should Edwards decide to go for it, he needs to keep in mind that there will always be new children to say it to and that most children grow old enough to know they have been lied to.
Downsides notwithstanding, this could be a big media move for Edwards: if he is seen, on camera, holding one of his babies or toddlers and then he tells them he loves them- that would go a long way in cooling down the media and those pesky women, at least until the playoffs are over.
In our opinion Edwards should make this move sooner rather than later, although right now the most important thing for the young star is to focus on leading his team through the Western Conference Finals against the winner of the Nuggets/Thunder series, and punching the Timberwolves’ ticket to the 2025 NBA Finals.

The Kentucky Derby or An NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 03 May 2025 11:47:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. While one is the sport you would 100% guess, the other is a more obscure bet. The semi-legal, shady, and hidden world of NFL Jerk Circle betting. It feels like I'm Hunter S. Thompson writing about San Juan cock-fighting even mentioning this forbidden fruit. My bets are off, as are the horses as well as the quarter backs. Dak Prescott to finish last (champ), while I have strong money on Rogers having to eat that soggy limp biscuit.
Its a swampy day under the bleachers at the Derby in Churchill Downs, where the NFL Jerk Circle is traditionally held. We're surrounded by several greats, Dana White is here promoting his new Meat Slap league, as well as Bob Costas with his signature peanutbuttery tones gracing the microphone. Its reduced to a tinny sound coming out of the small speaker at the edge of the circle. The scene is reminiscent of the ancient art of sumo. 250LB+ men, pensive, hands on their knees, hear naked.
A single shot rings, the cap gun is blown, and they're off. Its a quick endevour, all business no pleasure. A few muffled grunts, avoidant eye contact, the works. This year lasts 2:07, nearly reaching the record of '83. Noones going to Vronsky any of the jackers, even though Garoppolo did end up breaking his leg.
I've lost money, but I've gained culture.

The NHL Has No Contingency Plan For Canada Becoming The 51st State

Nathan Graves — Thu, 01 May 2025 19:15:00 +0000

VANCOUVER, BC -- If it’s true that God has a plan for each of us, Canada will soon become the 51st state of these United States of America.
In this event, the National Hockey League has absolutely no plan.
“Can you imagine what that does to hockey if Canada becomes a state? Canada?” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It would destroy the fabric of the league. And we have no plan whatsoever for if this happens.”
Along with emphasizing the league’s scrambling and lack of preparedness, Bettman went on to lament many of the implications of America annexing its northern neighbor.
“We’ve already got seven teams up there, but making them an actual state, that would ruin everything. And we already play little brother to Canada, culturally speaking. It’d be like your bully’s divorced dad marrying your divorced mom, and then your bully’s dad really tries to act like your real dad, and your real mom is totally powerless in the situation.”
This sentiment has been echoed by most of the American officials in the NHL, including Director of Hockey Operations Colin Campbell. Campbell also spoke to 5th Quarter Sports reporters from an fifth-floor balcony and commented,
“I will continue to pray very, very hard that this talk of Canada joining the union is just typical distraction tactics and media manipulation by the White House. But if it does happen, you will find me at the end of a rope.”
Meanwhile, the Canadian members of the NHL administration presumably have no qualms with the whole thing, aside from the heck of a lot of paperwork it’d create.

The NFL Owners Accidentally Added Me To The Shedeur Singal Group

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 27 Apr 2025 08:08:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Well, its happened again. Robert Kraft made a technological blunder and added me to an NFL owner's Signal group discussing Shedeur Sander's exclusion from the league. He meant to add John Mara apparently, and it shows the standing of the Giants franchise standing in the organization.
The 5thQuarterSports staff is not at liberty to disclose the details surrounding the exclusion for matters of NFL security but we can share some messages before they were deleted.
"Anyone down for massages on the 15th?" - Robert Kraft.
"Siri, call my son" - Jerry Jones.
"Can anyone help me extract Reid from Wendy's before the game?" - Clark Hunt.
"Adrenachrome is pretty awesome, anyone want a hit?" - Jed York.
While we were in disbelief and thought we were being trolled by a teenager this appears to be 100% legitimate. They started discussing Shedeur's exclusion and I realized the legitimacy around the 3rd round of the draft when he was still undrafted.
While this mistake has massive consequences generally, given the NFL has invested so much money in technology for secure broadcasts that cannot be captured by piracy sites such as thestreameast.to</a>, it also opens the door to how technology is generally in flux. Simple mistakes are bound to happen given how interconnected the world is. I have a feeling this won't be the last important group chat which is leaked publicly, nor will this be the most damning.

5thQuarterSports Suddenly Barred From White House Press Briefings

Nathan Graves — Fri, 25 Apr 2025 08:03:00 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C. – This morning 5th Quarter Sports was unexpectedly denied entry to the daily White House press briefing in the West Wing. Our reporters had not been contacted by the White House prior and only learned of the decision when they attempted to enter the briefing.
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt did not acknowledge our reporters, aside from having a member of her security deliver a post it note that read “scram!”
This makes 5thQuarterSports only the latest in a string of news organizations that The White House has abruptly denied entry to routine press events.
The Trump Administration’s decision comes as a surprise to 5thQuarterSports, since our admission to daily briefings had been guaranteed upon our continued intimidation of Associated Press.

As Playoffs Begin, NBA Reminds Players Free Will Is An Illusion

Nathan Graves — Sun, 20 Apr 2025 19:09:00 +0000

This weekend kicks off the 2025 NBA Playoffs and the most exciting time of the year for basketball.
To mark the occasion, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sent a written message to all the players who will be participating in the Playoffs, congratulating them on the end of the regular season and reminding them that free will is an illusion of the mind.
Read Silver’s full message here:

Well done on another successful season, and congratulations on making it to the 2025 NBA Playoffs. The Referees Association and I wish all of you good fortune in your quest for the Finals and the title of NBA Champion. We also want to remind you that we have no free will in this life and our fates are bound to the physics of the universe.
From the rise and fall of empires, to a moving screen above the three-point line, all of the past, present, and future is predetermined by the never-ending paths of little molecules, creating every moment in a cosmic chain reaction set in stone.
For our timeline, the Playoffs are where legends are born and stories are written. This is when the game of basketball, and its stars, shine the brightest. And for each legendary player, we know this was their destiny, because there is only one possible course of events in our world.
Nevertheless, anything can happen in the NBA Playoffs. Even a small-market team like Oklahoma City could win it all this year. What’s important to remember is the outcome has already been decided and we have no control over what will transpire- this is the great mirage of consciousness.
The winner of the 2025 NBA Finals has been determined. One of these teams is waiting to be crowned champions, and the excitement is greater than ever. So on behalf of the NBA Referees Association and the entire league, I say go out there and give it your all. </blockquote>

Tariffs On NFL Draft Prospects Spells Disaster

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 15 Apr 2025 19:22:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- The draft is in shambles and the NFL organization is in a frenzy. Franchises are currently scrambling for a backup plan. The current US Presidential administration has place steep tariffs, up to 104%, on players being picked and traded. This has created some interesting scenarios.
First off, players who were slotted as first round picks such as Abdul Carter and Travis Hunter are now actually worth less than just one week ago. Due to the higher cost that they'll bring its actually suboptimal for teams to pick them. Picks much lower are actually smarter plays this time around.
Another interesting mixup: who is paying these tariffs? Well, as we know tariffs are paid by the teams drafting players, who then push these prices onto...the fans. Not only are concession prices going up at all stadiums, the cost of Red Zone and Sunday Ticket are both expected to increase by around $10/mo each. A real shocker for already struggling sports fans.
Worst of all: you'll have to hear about this news for yet another week. This is the real crime.
Lawsuits against the administration are already underway, filed by the NCAA as well as the NFL itsself. The 5thQuarterSports staff will keep our 4 readers informed on the breaking developments.

Rory McIlroy wins LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 13 Apr 2025 18:50:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Salamalekum to McIlroy, and many blessing. Precision, repetition, focus. These are all traits required to saw a member of the press into multiple chunks in a timely manner without leaving much evidence. It just so happens that it is a requirement for professional golfers as well. What luck, as McIlroy's win triggers the unannounced "prize". McIlroy has been elevated to the supreme status of dissident dismemberers.
Unfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the practice dummy.

Body of Kobe Bryant still not recovered in Hudson helicopter crash.

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 12 Apr 2025 11:54:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- Kobe Bryant was confirmed dead years before this crash.

Devin Booker Refuses To Acknowledge His Serious Case of Ringworm

Nathan Graves — Wed, 09 Apr 2025 17:09:00 +0000

PHOENIX, Arizona – Rumors coming out of the Phoenix Suns locker room are that star player Devin Booker still has a serious case of ringworm, and he continues to hide and deny it.
One of Booker’s teammates, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Book shouldn’t be playing. He’s hiding it really well, but it’s definitely ringworm, and he’s definitely contagious. I think it’s a conspiracy.”
When 5thQuarterSports asked Booker if the rumors were true, the four-time NBA All Star looked the other way and pretended not to hear us. Meanwhile, three-time girlfriend Kendall Jenner became irate and said some very cruel things.
Booker and Jenner have been back together for over a month now, and it’s going fine.

Top 5 NBA Players Most Likely To Enlist To Fight In Ukraine

Nathan Graves — Mon, 31 Mar 2025 16:45:00 +0000

5QS HQ, Washington, D.C. – As the American people wrestle with how they should handle the war in Ukraine, a widespread political talking point has been, “well if it’s so important, why don’t you go over there and fight in the war yourself?”
As such an intriguing proposition, it begs the question of which NBA players might commit to fighting on the frontlines of the ongoing conflict. 5th Quarter Sports ran extensive analysis on all 560 active NBA players to determine who was most likely to make such a move.
The research showed that most players were disinclined to pause their careers to go fight in a war on foreign soil; however, a few players showed enough probability to create some uncertainty for their coaches and for the next NBA season.
Here are the Top 6 players who scored highest in this study:
6. Svi Mykhailiuk</h2>
</div> Image Source</a>
Team: Utah Jazz
Likelihood to Enlist: 12%
Being from Ukraine, one could guess why Svi might be interested in fighting in the war. The issue seemed personal, so 5th Quarter Sports did not ask him about it.
5. Ja Morant</h2> </div> Image Source</a>
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Likelihood to Enlist: 14%
Ja Morant absolutely adores guns. He is also overdue for another multi-game suspension for glorifying firearms on social media. This raises the question of what the Grizzlies star point guard will do with his free time during his next suspension.
The War in Ukraine, an active crime against humanity by existing, has likely already gotten Morant’s attention due to its heavy use of guns. Should his entourage suddenly gain a politically vocal member, the two-time NBA All Star may choose to take his talents elsewhere.
4. Nikola Jokic</h2> </div> Image Source</a>
Team: Denver Nuggets
Likelihood to Enlist: 17%
This is one of the most surprising of the bunch. Jokic shows as much indifference to the war in Ukraine as he does to basketball; however, when it comes to love for horses, he scores very high.
The three-time MVP has been open about his admiration of the species, often praising their “underrated” role in the history of warfare. He has been quoted multiple times saying that “horses are the only animals that can smell war.”
Jokic is known to be extremely fond of his own horses, so the crucial variable is how his horses feel about the war. It all rests on whether Jokic’s love for these beasts will counterbalance the power of his disinterest in Ukraine and basketball combined.
3. Alex Len</h2> </div> Image Source</a>
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Likelihood to Enlist: 24%
Along with Mykailiuk, Len is the only other Ukrainian player in the league. His hometown of Antratsyt has actually been under Russian control for more like 11 years, but the 2022 invasion probably didn’t help.
Len is also a trained gymnast and a very strong swimmer.
2. Luka Doncic</h2> </div> Image Source</a>
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Likelihood to Enlist: 39%
Being from the Balkans, Luka Doncic is eager to fight in a sticky war between Eastern European neighbors. He is the player we are least sure about which side he would fight for.
Doncic’s score in this research is also considered to be highly volatile. The equations are strongly influenced by recent actions, so anything Doncic has done lately that might make him look like a backstabbing sellout could temporarily raise his score, even if he usually sells out at a pretty standard rate.
1. Kyrie Irving</h2> </div> Image Source</a>
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Likelihood to Enlist: 86%
No surprises here. This could prove to be the most logical next step for Irving’s career, considering his pattern of confusing convictions.
The veteran point guard is probably confident his recent knee injury will not affect how soon he can deploy, and it’s possible he will still return to the NBA after winning the war.
There’s really only two questions for the Mavericks: how will the team handle Irving’s exit, and would this be worse than Luka ditching them for the Lakers?

Ben Roethlisberger Says He Avoided A Raven That Was Trying To Be Seen By Him

Nathan Graves — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 14:28:00 +0000

BALTIMORE, Maryland – Legendary Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said today that he was successfully able to avoid a raven that was trying to get him to look at it. He claims that the large black bird followed him for some hours as he was walking through a city park and that it appeared to be acting intentionally.
“If there’s a raven around and you look when it wants you to, that means you’re going to die soon. So there was no way I was doing that.” said Roethlisberger, who famously played 18 seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers, winning them two Super Bowls before his retirement in 2022.
The former Offensive Rookie of the Year went on to say that the raven, the largest member of the corvid family, was undeniably trying to get his attention because it followed him for an extended period of time and maintained a stream of antagonistic vocalizations.
“Those birds are omens of death. Everybody knows that. And it was obviously trying to get me to look. It kept flying to the branch right behind me and making all those weird sounds that ravens make. It had to have been for me- there was no one else around.”
The raven, considered to be a damned soul in German folklore, occasionally flew within Roethlisberger’s peripheral vision, but generally remained behind him throughout the encounter.
“I noticed that my back was to the setting sun, so it was casting these long shadows in front of me as it flew from tree to tree. That helped to know when to duck or look away. A few times I saw it out of the corner of my eye a bit, but that doesn’t count.”
Similar encounters with ravens are thought to be common but underreported, which makes sense because the birds are known to be the ghosts of people who were murdered and did not receive Christian burials, as the future hall-of-famer explained to this 5th Quarter Sports reporter who happened to be walking by.
“So it’s a good thing I dodged it- you don’t want to mess with these things. People don’t talk about it much, but when Cain killed Abel, a raven told him how to bury the body.”

BREAKING: Pete Hegseth Leaks Hand Signals to Bat Boy

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 24 Mar 2025 16:05:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – In a stunning leak of sensitive information Pete Hegseth accidentally sent the Red Sox’s Bat Bot hand signals, included in deeply disturbing texts of a sexual nature. The game is over.

ICE Deports Backhairistan Soccer Forward Bolbi Stroganovsky To CECOT Over Hamas Ties

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 18:37:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Slap slap slap, clap clap clap. It is a dark day indeed for the glorious nation of Backhairistan. The current political climate in the United States is dire, with ICE raids occurring on innocent legal immigrants and American citizens alike.
Caught in the middle: Bolbi Stroganovsky. Once Presidential hopeful of his home country of Backhairistan, turned soccer superstar. With is abrupt arrest, signs can only point to a politically motivated disappearance. The justification? Bolbi had like one tweet originating from a Hamas parody account on X, the site formally known as "Slightly Racist Twitter". Dark days indeed.
His ascent to stardom has been unmatched and truely astounding. He is a true representation of the American dream. Immigrating to America as a child, and attending Lindbergh Elementary School getting a solid American education he later returned to his home country to compete on the national level. His failed transition to politics was mired with scandal and incompetency.
He returned to America earlier this year, in hopes of joining the MLS. Sadly he has fallen prey to the on-going immigrant roundups and was sent to the CECOT detention center in El Salvador. He has not been heard from since.

March Sadness: Will the Tar Heels Cure My SAD?

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 19 Mar 2025 17:36:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – Every damn year the Tar Heels steal my heart but never make it to the alter. This year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones. With the complete and absolute domination over the Aztecs things are looking bright. Will this cure my Seasonal Affective Disorder? Are they the vitamin D shot that my frail body so dearly requires?
They started in a low seed, the lowest that they’ve seen, but with spring showers come may flowers, and that deep seed is going to bloom.
Does North Carolina even have oil fields? Wikipedia says it has something to do with pine tar but I’m not convinced.
Also isn’t UNC something Shannon Sharpe says?

Unexpected Collapses of the Week: The Mavericks and the USA

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 15 Mar 2025 18:34:00 +0000

AUSTIN, TX -- Welcome to 5thQuarterSport's "Unexpected Collapse of the Week" where we take a shallow-dive into some unexpected implosions and hopefully break our necks on the bottom of the pool.
First up: The Dallas Mavericks. It is truly astonishing. Not only are some of their key players, such as Edwards, unable to play many more games they are also butting up against the salary cap. It is a sight to behold. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a franchise.
Next up: the US of A. Rome only lasted ~2 centuries, will the US follow suit? With markets down, deportations up, and bruised egos clashing in the government things are looking bleak for the average American. Expectations of sharp tax increases and vanishing retirement accounts are not a welcome sight. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a country.
Until nextime.

I’m Basically Deebo Samuel? GF Trades me For 5th Boyfriend

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 01 Mar 2025 18:40:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – It turns out that Deebo Samuel and I have much more in common than he previously thought. Both of us are 29, have chronic injuries, and most recently we’ve both been dropped by our one true loves. It is a difficult world out here in San Francisco.
If I could just digress for a second, is back pain at 29 a real thing? Or were our grandparents just stoic first generation immigrants who realized that complaining would lead to physical abuse by their parents? It is rather difficult to pin down. I see this on social media, that millennials are experiencing back pain at unprecedented rates. I though it was a meme until it happened to me.
I will stop my digression, here is how I'm not like Deebo. Samuel received 51 passes in the 2024 season. I didn’t even receive 51 kisses from my own mother. Heck I don’t even think I received 51 texts in total that year. He ran for 670 rushing yards. I ran for 0. I haven't gotten up off my couch in years. He scored one Touch Down. I didn’t even touch grass.
I think we still should meet up for a brew to discuss this further.

I have H5N1 At Dave and Busters, Wearing my Jordan 12s, Is This My Flu Game?

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 01 Mar 2025 10:44:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – The worst part of Dave and Busters: it is nothing like the commercials. My wife isn’t crying in the commercials, my coworker John’s wife isn’t making out with a stranger as he pukes in the bathroom in the commercials. People seem happy in the commercials. They’re smiling, laughing, holding comically tall beers. I’m down $300 dollars, the plastic card’s jagged edge is cutting into my palm as I squeeze it intently as the claw machine fails to grip the PS5 for the 12th attempt in a row.
I brought my Jordan 12s to play skee ball. I’m locked in, runny nose, dry cough, the works. I’m hitting the corner pockets. I have backspin. I’m in my happy place. My wife is not.
This throws me back to my days at Chuck E. Cheese. I blame that establishment for my fear of giant animals and animatronics. But I also blame it for my love of slightly burnt pizza and my gambling proclivities. I wonder if they will release a sports book app.
I miss the old logo.
Time for a bit of NBA Hoops. As I approach the row of rims and nets a group of youths surround me.
“If you lose, one of us has to do 25 pushups,” one challenges me.
Little do they know that I’ve been greasing the groove. I brick 12 shots in a row. The little fucker nails nearly all of his. I drop down and bust out a tight 25 in under 2 minutes much to their dismay. Old man still got it.
I order a comically large beer. My wife is crying even harder at my Hoops display. I’ve creased my 12s in the pushup contest. This is the worst day of my life.

Trump To Resurre Pete Rose for Baseball HOF Induction

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 01 Mar 2025 08:07:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA – In a stunning turn of events President Trump has declared not only does he have the ability to raise the dead, he is also resurrecting Pete Rose for the upcoming HOF induction. This is just in time for lent. The President announced this through both a post on Truth Social, and a screenshot of that posted on Twitter. As social media is the main way that Americans get their latest news updates from the politburo.
Trump has derived this arcane power through a pact made with the devil in the early 2000s, and all he had to do was accept a free flight on a luxury private jet.
5thQuarterSports has discovered through Ancestry.com palm-greasing that Pete Rose, the player with the most hits in an MLB season, has a direct line of ancestry to Shohei Ohtani’s translator Ippei Mizuhara.
Welcome to the HOF, zombie Pete Rose.

DraftKings Partners with Harlem Globetrotters for Betting on Washington Generals Games

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 25 Feb 2025 19:16:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – DraftKings has made a move that has been met with controversy, partnering with the Harlem Globetrotters to allow for betting on games against the ineffective Washington Generals. This comes hot on the heels of our last article announcing that Refs in the NBA can bet on games</a>. This decision by DraftKings has bettors chomping at the bit for acrobatics, and some even as far as saying “This was a bit that the Simpsons did 20 years ago.”
The 5thQuarterSports staff has no rebuttal to that remark.
Inclusion of the Globetrotters on the platform has opened the opportunity for same-game parlays. Bets such as “over/under 3 balls pulled back by a string”, “5+ balls being juggled”, and “over under 50 dunks on the Generals” have been featured.
We at 5thQuarterSports highly endorse the normalization of the gambling culture in all forms of media, especially family based. The recent announcement of DraftKings promos on the Disney Channel, WB Kids, and CoComelon are a step in the correct direction for society. We want to bet if Blue's Clues finds the mail, for god sakes. There can’t be consequences to the permeation of this culture. Barstool sports is the pinnacle of society, they’ve partnered with Gerber breast milk to release a 4% infant formula. I don’t even know anymore.

Adam Silver Announces That NBA Refs Are Allowed To Bet On Games

Nathan Graves — Mon, 24 Feb 2025 16:14:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, California – In a major change of foundational rules, the NBA will now allow league referees to gamble on the outcome of NBA games and playoff series. The rule change was announced in a press release from NBA Commissioner Adam Silver early this morning and is effective immediately.
With this overhaul of league regulations, NBA referees will have no restrictions on monetary wagers and parlays made before and during games, though players and coaches will still be barred from any such betting.
According to Silver’s statement, referees will not be obligated to disclose their bets, but can if they would like.
Calling it a “more honest and modern approach,” the Commissioner explained that the rule change is part of his administration’s effort to reduce inefficiency in the structure and operation of the league.
“It’s about streamlining. Our goal is to root out any inefficiencies in how the league functions, and sometimes that involves updating the old rules.”
He also said the Department Of NBA Efficiency (DONE) intends to restructure other aspects of the league’s operation, and that further deregulation inquiries will be led by businessman Mark Cuban. Cuban’s team will review NBA policies and cut unnecessary regulations, while occasionally reporting to Commissioner Silver.
When Silver was asked why the former rules for referee betting needed to be updated, he responded saying, “lately this just seems to be the vibe.”

Quotes From NBA Players Recently Pardoned For Jan 6th Involvement

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 20 Feb 2025 16:41:00 +0000

“They should have hanged Mike Pence at the All Star game, would have been more interesting.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
“My alibi was that I was too lazy to go.” – Ben Simmons</a>
“” – Kobe Bryant
“” – Jayson Tatum
“Say it again, Chuck, what do they say?” – Shaquille O'Neal
“We’re gonna…We’re gonna…We’re gonna find Nancy Peloton” – Charles Barkely
“I think you have me confused with the Shamen, we have very similar names. But yes, I was there too.” – Landry Shamet
“Don’t shorten my son’s name.” – Steve Kerr

Joe Burrow Forced to Come Out as Heterosexual

Drewski — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 14:51:00 +0000

Cincinnati, Ohio
In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual. Back in December of 2024, Mr. Burrow’s residence was allegedly broken into while he was in Texas, playing against the Dallas Cowgirls</del>boys. It was initially unclear about the circumstances surrounding the break-in, including who reported it to the police. This comes after the NFL warned its players that there have been connections to organized crime syndicates and breaking into players’ homes while they were away.
A few days after the initial report hit the headlines, it was reported that it was indeed Mr. Burrows’ girlfriend at the time, Olivia Holzmacher, had noticed the disturbed residence and called the police to report the crime. Mr. Burrow had declined to comment on the situation before this breakthrough. Mr. Burrow’s love life had long been the speculation of many fans and rumour mills around the NFL. An anonymous source close to Mr. Burrow has revealed to 5th Quarter Sports that he has been deeply troubled about the public finally learning that he was indeed Heterosexual and had lost many nights of sleep over losing his mysterious, Metrosexual vibe. 
Many Cincinnati Bengals fans seemed very unfazed by the news of their star quarterback having a girlfriend. When asked for a comment, a random Bengals fan walking outside of the stadium after a devastating loss said “Listen, I really could give 2 cans of skyline chili about what he does in the bedroom. I…just…want…to…win.” The fan had a thousand yard stare, the one that your Uncle who fought in Vietnam does from time to time. It was quite disturbing to say the least, but what can you say, poor fellow lives in Ohio.
It is now rumoured that Mr. Burrow has indeed called off his relationship for unknown reasons, but our source says that Mr. Burrow was “deeply troubled” by Ms. Holzmacher actions in “forcing me to come out as Heterosexual.” No one is really sure what is going on or why Mr. Burrow seems to be so disturbed. Ohio needs to be studied for the mental torture its residents endure.

The 49ers Are Planning To Build A $1.2 Billion Dollar Practice Facility In Hartford, Connecticut

Nathan Graves — Thu, 13 Feb 2025 05:25:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, California – The San Francisco 49ers have announced plans to build a brand new practice facility for the team in Hartford, Connecticut, set to open in 2028. Owner Edward J. DeBartolo Jr. unveiled the project yesterday in a press release detailing the plan.
Estimated to cost $1.2 billion dollars to build, the new facility will contain all of the necessary equipment for the team’s regular practice sessions and will function in the same way as the team’s primary facility in Santa Clara, California.
The plan originated in October 2024 when DeBartolo called a board meeting and told his associates, “we’re going to build a practice facility in Hartford, Connecticut and it’s going to be up and running by the end of the decade,” said someone close to DeBartolo.
The 49ers original practice facility in Santa Clara will continue to be the team’s main operations center for team practice and individual player training, while this second facility will be considered an additional resource.
</div> Image Source</a>
The parcel of land for the new development is yet to be decided upon, but DeBartolo’s team is closing in on some real estate soon and is already deep in the design phase, said someone very familiar with DeBartolo’s decision-making.
Said 49ers Head Coach Kyle Shanahan, “I’m not entirely sure why the front office wanted to get this new practice facility, but I suppose if we did have a good place to practice over there, it might get used.”

Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s Genitals

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 10 Feb 2025 18:09:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – We’ve been told through the grapevine that it is true so we dug in with a deeper investigation to confirm or deny the rumors. Is the Lombardi trophy is a “self portrait”? Can riding a horse break your Heisman? Was Lombardi's trophy really all silvery and angular?
First, we went to the archives. We dug around the Packer's archives of tapes, videos, photographs, We even spent hours in the old player's jock strap collection, in hopes that Vince had left us a little treat. Alas, we could find very little. The rumor will live on, for now.

BREAKING: PSN Outage Revealed as NFL Superbowl View Booster

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 08 Feb 2025 17:56:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Just when you had seen it all, something new breaks. In the wake of a national boycott against the Superbowl the NFL was in a panic. They needed eyeballs, stat. 5thQuarterSports has received several leaked memos which detail the plan.
The first of which was to put Drake front and center on the Superbowl sidelines. This was debated internally for the last few days and deemed too hazardous, given the recent US/Canada tensions.
Next up was not rigging the results. However, as with all Superbowls, that is off the table. Rigging is tradition and nearly contractually required on the secret owner's agreements.
So it came down to hacking and disabling the PSN network. Legions of gamers, having to emerge from their mother's basements with nothing better to do, would munch snacks with their family and consume as they were destined to.
We shall see if Sony can recover their system from this massive breach. Only time will tell.

Kraft: “I see alot of myself in him”, eyes Justin Tucker for Pats

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 08 Feb 2025 12:12:00 +0000

Birds of a feather.

Musk’s DOGE Dept to Slash Patriots’ Cap Space

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 08 Feb 2025 07:18:00 +0000

WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump’s reformed DOGE department has shaken Washington to its core. Headed by famously erratic billionaire Elon Musk, its sole goal is cutting what it deems to be wasteful government spending. From USAID to the Bureau of Consumer Protection, the slashes to the budget and staffing have been immediate and wide-sweeping. Next on the list: the Patriots’ cap space.
Musk took to X (née Twitter) late last night on an hours long rant, writing that a cap space of $120M for 2025 for the Patriots is egregious, insane, and “totally not based”. He has injected his team of seasoned, experienced 16-25 year old agents deep into the Patriots’ front office Excel documents, extracting players’ personal information along the way.
What does he claim is a better source of spend? Well, that depends. Talent retention, stronger retail presence, and a more capable coaching staff are all suggestions. He has lovingly referred to this as “CapX”, at the cringing of seasoned GAAP experts.
Robert Kraft emerged from a strip-mall med-spa to give 5thQuarterSports an exclusive quote, “Where am I?”
While Musk’s tactics are uncouth and potentially immoral, we’re curious to see what direction this takes the newly suffering Pats. Will this be the total collapse of the organization, or like a phoenix will it rise from its former self?

Zion Williamson Opens Up About Lack Of Motivation: "AI is just gonna take all our jobs"

Nathan Graves — Thu, 06 Feb 2025 18:17:00 +0000

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – The New Orleans Pelicans struggled in yet another away game Wednesday night as they fell to the Denver Nuggets 144-119, dropping the team to 12-39 and 4-21 on the road.
With the Pelicans firmly out of playoff contention, questions continue to circulate about Zion Williamson’s performance and whether the starting Power Forward is committed to his physical conditioning and working through injuries.
5thQuarterSports sat down with Williamson after Wednesday’s game to discuss the rumors.
When asked point blank if he is lacking motivation, the two-time all-star admitted that he has been feeling apathetic and disillusioned, largely because of his view that AI and automation are replacing labor previously performed by human employees.
“I mean, AI is just gonna take all our jobs, right? Like, it’s already happening, right? It’s hard to feel excited about improving my game all the time when that’s just something that’s gonna happen.”
Asked to clarify, he went on:
“You know what I’m talking about. What happens when a computer can do everything that a human can do, but better? I’m talking any job. Our economy is seriously changing, and we’re all about to be unemployed.”
Williamson missed 27 games early this season due to a left hamstring strain, one of many injuries over the course of his career. He made his return on January 7 in a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves that the Pelicans ultimately lost 104-97, despite a strong effort from the 24 year old.
During this latest injury, commentators and social media posts once again buzzed with allegations that Williamson is regularly eating unhealthily and slacking on his workouts, ultimately impacting his performance. Nearly a month after his return, I ask how he’s feeling post-injury.
“It’s been really nice to be back playing again. I always want to be out there with our guys, of course. But even when that’s keeping me busy, I still just feel all stressed out about what’s gonna happen down the road. I mean, there’s a lot of jobs already disappearing because of AI and automation, and like, there’s a lot of people out there who had a skill, you know? But then their job got replaced with a f------ robot, and man, that’s their money right there, that’s their livelihood.”
Zion leans forward on the couch and pulls out his phone. He starts scrolling around the Doordash app, elbows on his knees and head in his hand.
“And I feel like no industry is safe, not even mine. I mean, like, a lot of that stuff is gonna happen soon, like during my career, maybe during my prime. You see how that makes it kinda hard to really give your full effort day in and day out?”
I bring up the emphatic 360 windmill dunk Williamson showed off in the third quarter of his return game and ask what he was feeling in that moment.
“Just excited, you know? I mean I get stoked coming back after an injury, cause, well, I think about it a lot when I’m injured, you know? Cause that’s when there’s nothing to do but just sit around and wait, and just, I don’t know, think.”
The former ACC Athlete of the Year laughs a little, shaking his head.
“And I’ve spent a lot of time being injured during my career, I know that. S---, a lot of medical attention has gone into my body. And that’s when I’m faced with it the most often, too, cause like, these doctors use so many computers and insane technology when they’re helping us recover, it’s crazy. And like, I feel like every time I’m in the doctor’s office, there’s less doctors and nurses, and more computers and machines around. I don’t know.”
Zion turns off his phone but continues his unfocused stare at the blank screen.
“The heart transplant was a big one,” he says.
“You know, I didn’t think much going into it, but afterward I was just like, man, they replaced my heart with like, this little robot machine, and then while they were at it they went ahead and switched out my pancreas with like a computer chip. I mean, it’s a lot to think about. It changes your perspective.”
I ask Williamson to elaborate and he sets his phone aside, still leaning forward on the couch. His voice is quiet and thoughtful, and I can tell he’s being earnest.
“It’s just like, with all the pistons and gears where there used to be muscles, and all the microchip processors, just all the work we’ve done to my body- it’s just a lot. And you’d think that would make everything good, like I’m lucky, but nah, it kinda adds to it all. It makes it hard keeping my head in the game.”
Zion looks up at me, and I can see a longing in his expression.
“As I become more machine than man, what will I become as a player, and as a person? At what point do I cease to be Zion? Why are we even here- like, what are we meant to do? This whole technological transition that we’re in, I mean, I feel like I’m part of it. And our technology is so incredibly useful, like, it can do so much for us. But, you know, that’s gonna mean some major changes- for everyone. And change is… complicated, I guess. My transformation definitely makes it be something that’s more on my mind, personally.”
With a heartfelt sigh, he picks up his phone and begins scrolling through Doordash again.
“So yeah, I’ve been a little distracted. But I’m gonna keep giving it my all every game, and I think we can still turn this season around.”

The Dumbest Trade in NBA History: The Mavericks Gave Away Luka Dončić for Half Pack of Smokes, and a Used 2013 Ford Fiesta

Danny Dimes — Sun, 02 Feb 2025 09:49:00 +0000

There are bad trades, and then there’s whatever the hell the Dallas Mavericks just did.
In a move that makes you question if Mark Cuban was hypnotized by LeBron James over Zoom, the Mavericks have traded Luka Freaking Dončić to the Los Angeles Lakers in exchange for Anthony "My Body is Made of Glass" Davis, Max Christie (who?), and a 2029 first-round pick that will probably turn into an AI-generated player from NBA 2K30.
This isn’t just bad—it’s historically dumb. Like, “Investing your life savings in Hoc Tuah Coin and buying the dip” level dumb. I haven't seen a bigger ripoff since the Fushigi. Rest in peace David Stern cause he would have certainly Vetoed this trade Let’s break down why this is quite possibly the most brain-dead trade of all time.

Luka Dončić: A Franchise Savior, Given Away Like a Free Sample at Costco</h3>
Luka Dončić isn’t just good—he’s a generational talent. This man walked into the NBA as a teenager and started handing out 30-point triple-doubles like Oprah giving away cars. He was the future of the Mavericks, the heart of the team, and the one guy keeping Dallas relevant in a Western Conference full of juggernauts.
He’s 25. Twenty-five. You don’t trade a 25-year-old superstar unless he personally requests to be sent to space. But instead of building around Luka, the Mavericks have effectively said,
"You know what? We’d rather build around a guy whose bones sound like bubble wrap every time he lands after a dunk."
Based on age and skill I would have thought the only NBA assets more tradeable than Luka were Jokic, Wemby, and maybe Jason Tatum. Glass Bones Anthony Davis wouldn't even sniff the top ten on my list.

Anthony Davis: The Human Injury Report</h3>
Look, Anthony Davis is incredibly talented. When he’s healthy, he’s one of the best big men in the league. But that’s like saying that that my Wifes Boyfriend is great, except for when he makes me sleep on the couch.
Davis hasn’t played a full season since Blockbuster was still in business. Every time he falls to the ground, fans hold their breath like they just watched someone drop their iPhone face-first on the concrete. The only thing more fragile than AD’s knees is the Mavericks’ championship hopes after this trade.
They swapped a durable, young, MVP-caliber superstar for a guy whose best ability is “he the 4th best Center in the league, when available.” Make it make sense.

The Trade Package: A Used Napkin and a Participation Trophy</h3>
Dallas didn’t just trade Luka for AD straight up (which would have been bad enough). Oh no, they also graciously accepted Max Christie (congrats, you got a role player!) and a 2029 first-round pick.
2029. By the time this pick conveys, we might have robot referees, a four-point line, and Bronny James the third might be in the league.
By then, the Mavericks could be rebuilding from this disaster of a trade with a middle aged Davis, wondering why they ever thought it was a good idea to swap a once-in-a-lifetime player for **a first-round pick that isn’t even out of middle school yet. Not to mention Luka will only be 30 so you cant even assume that the Lakers will be bad by then.

Dallas Fans Deserve Better</h3>
Mavericks fans have been through it. They had to endure the Kristaps Porziņģis "Unicorn" experiment (spoiler: it sucked), and now, after FINALLY getting a legitimate superstar, they just yeeted him away like a bad fantasy basketball trade.
Dallas should have been building a dynasty around Luka. Instead, they’ve built a retirement home for injury-prone big men. What’s next? Signing Derrick Rose and Greg Oden just to complete the collection?

Conclusion: The Mavericks are idiots and they Lakers should be booked for Grand Theft</h3>
The Lakers have a long history of absolutely robbing teams in trades, and this might be their greatest heist yet. They just got Luka Dončić—the future of basketball—in exchange for a player they were probably ready to trade for a ham sandwich.
This trade will go down as one of the worst in NBA history. Years from now, when Luka is winning rings in Los Angeles and the Mavericks are picking 12th in the draft wondering what went wrong, fans will look back at this moment and scream into the void.
Congratulations, Dallas. You just made the worst trade of all time.

Gano: Leads Giants in Points and Kickers in Ethics

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 01 Feb 2025 10:12:00 +0000

AUSTIN, TX – It’s a low bar, but he's clearing it. We assume that Gano will soon lead Sensitivity and Harassment seminars for the rest of the NFL’s kickers at this rate. There have been unofficial talks to trade Gano to the NFL’s HR team. It’s been a rough two years for kickers in the NFL, traditionally the paragons of virtue and class. With Butker’s remarks and Tucker’s actions, pure unsullied reputation needs to lead the charge against moral corruption. Gano embodies the old-guard, and attempts to bring back the high moral fiber.
One thing that we pray for is that this doesn’t become a story on /r/AgedLikeMilk. Stay strong, Gano, our reputation is counting on it.

Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”

Nathan Graves — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 15:20:00 +0000

SAN ANTONIO, Texas – With the February 6 trade deadline rapidly approaching, San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich revealed in a recent press conference an interest in trading Spurs starting center Victor Wembanyama, a highly sought-after young talent in the league.
In his typical frankness, Popovich explained, “we’re open to trading for draft picks, and of course we would need another big man to fill out the 5 spot, but I wouldn’t even consider a trade unless there is a first-generation holographic Blastoise PSA 8 or higher on the table.”
Reporters pressed further, asking if Popovich would consider multiple other high-value cards in lieu of the extremely rare Blastoise.
“Not a chance in hell,” he replied. “Wembanyama is the greatest NBA prospect in a generation, and I wouldn’t give him up for any less than he’s worth.”
The three-time Coach of the Year cut off a follow up question saying, “look, I’ve been very clear on this. Blastoise. PSA 8 or higher. Gold border. Holographic. Mint condition. Doesn’t have to still be in the box, but no fingerprints. I don’t want to hear about any PSA 10 Charizards, and I’m not going to waste any more time discussing it.”
With many teams entering final talks for their player trades, the sudden availability of Wembanyama, last season’s number one overall draft pick, is sure to have some coaches reshuffling their decks.
In other trade news, Lebron James announced his interest in trading Lakers head coach JJ Redick for a reliable Poliwhirl.

America Groans as Chiefs and Eagles Return to the Super Bowl for 2025

Daddy Dumbass — Mon, 27 Jan 2025 09:25:00 +0000

In a development that has united the nation in collective dread, the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles have once again secured spots in the Super Bowl, marking what analysts and fans alike are calling "the worst possible outcome for America."
“It’s like a rerun of a show you hated the first time,” groaned Karen Williams, a disgruntled football fan from Ohio. “Can’t we just cancel this season and start over?”
A Nation Divided by Exhaustion</h2>
For the third time in recent memory, the Chiefs, led by quarterback Patrick Mahomes and his seemingly endless supply of State Farm commercials, will face off against the Eagles, whose fans are already sharpening their vocal cords for a symphony of booing and cheese-throwing.
“Look, I respect Mahomes as much as anyone,” said Jerry Thompson, a die-hard Buffalo Bills fan. “But at this point, I’d rather see a Super Bowl starring two teams randomly drawn from a hat than another Chiefs-Eagles matchup.”
Even casual observers have grown weary of the predictable storyline. “It’s like Groundhog Day, but instead of Bill Murray, we’re stuck with Travis Kelce doing TikTok dances and Jason Kelce eating hoagies on camera,” lamented Samantha Green, a teacher from Seattle.
NFL Fans Call for DEI Policies After Chiefs and Eagles Make 2025 Super Bowl</h2>
The unrelenting dominance of the Chiefs and Eagles has sparked a grassroots movement among NFL fans demanding the implementation of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies for playoff representation.
“Football is supposed to bring people together,” argued Carla Jenkins, a Vikings fan who hasn’t seen her team win a Super Bowl in its entire existence. “Instead, it’s become a playground for the same two teams. We need playoff equity!”
Proposals include implementing a lottery system to determine playoff seeding, instituting a mandatory two-year "Super Bowl ban" for repeat contenders, and adding an "underdog clause" allowing teams like the Lions or Jets a free pass to the big game. “Call it affirmative action for the gridiron,” joked Roger Stevens, a disillusioned Patriots fan. “I mean, Mahomes has enough rings already. Share the wealth!”
Commercial Fatigue</h2>
Adding insult to injury, early leaks of the Super Bowl commercial lineup suggest another avalanche of Mahomes’ appearances. "It's not just the game; it's the entire spectacle," said marketing expert Carla Lopez. "He's selling sneakers, insurance, ketchup… by halftime, he’ll probably be pitching solar panels and moon vacations."
Meanwhile, Eagles fans have responded with their trademark lack of chill. Reports have already surfaced of fans climbing greased poles in Philadelphia—and the game is still two weeks away. “They say it’s tradition,” said one exasperated city worker. “But we’re running out of Crisco. At this rate, we’ll have to start buttering these things.”
Conspiracy Theories Emerge</h2>
As the nation braces for the showdown, conspiracy theories about the NFL’s playoff mechanics are flourishing.
“You’re telling me the Bills and 49ers didn’t make it?” demanded Twitter user @GridironTruthers420. “The league is clearly rigged for the Kelsces and their podcast empire. Wake up, sheeple!” What’s Next? A League-Wide Rebellion?
Fans of other teams are reportedly considering drastic measures to prevent future repeats. Among the ideas gaining traction: forcing the NFL to adopt a "Super Bowl quota system," banning any team from appearing more than twice in five years.
“I’m not saying we should throw the Lombardi Trophy into the ocean if the Chiefs win again,” said die-hard Jets fan Larry Brown. “But I’m not not saying it either.”
Hope Springs Eternal</h2>
Despite the national groaning, some optimists insist there’s a silver lining. “Maybe it’ll be a good game,” said Linda Carter, a Saints fan who clearly doesn’t know how to read the room.
As for the rest of us, we’ll just be here, preparing our snacks and our groans, bracing for a Super Bowl that’s less about football and more about surviving yet another Chiefs-Eagles saga. Pass the Crisco—we’re gonna need it.

EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 25 Jan 2025 08:14:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – Arguably the NBA would suck complete ass without the talent they’ve stolen from the EuroLeague. Adam Silver is on Vince McMahon levels of prospect sucking during the Territories Era, taking well-developed players into his league. A league which is already on life support. It is downright shameful.
This will all end soon, and the tables will turn. President Trump will make an incorrect move, and have economic sanctions placed on the US by the EU. The upper-hand will truly be gained by those in the old-country when US imports of their players are stemmed. Then comes the turnaround.
Talks that half of the King’s starting lineup are considering a European tour are underway. De'Aaron Fox, after having lost his right hand in a battle with his father Darth Vader, has been eyeing every opportunity for an out. Justin Hurder’s lilly skin, continually burnt by the hot Sacramento sun, yearns for the overcast of the Nordic countries. And Sabonis misses his mother.
We at 5thQuarterSports support the eventual crumble and demise of the NBA organization, and the lack of intercontinental expansion is just one step forward in its untimely demise.

Raiders Hire Pete Carroll After Tom Coughlin Declines with "Go Find Youth" Zinger

Daddy Dumbass — Fri, 24 Jan 2025 14:40:00 +0000

Las Vegas, NV – The Las Vegas Raiders have officially hired Pete Carroll as their new head coach, but not before being turned down by former coaching legend Tom Coughlin, who reportedly advised the team to "go find youth" before hanging up the phone. The Raiders, known for their unconventional decision-making and questionable draft picks, were all set to bring Coughlin, 78, out of retirement. That plan fell apart when Coughlin politely declined, adding, "I’m old, but even I know this team needs some youthful energy. Maybe someone who’s not thinking about their bedtime during the fourth quarter."
Raiders owner Mark Davis addressed the situation in a press conference Thursday, saying, "We thought Tom was a great fit for our organization. Turns out, he thought we’d be a better fit for, uh, literally anyone under 70."
Left scrambling, the Raiders pivoted to Pete Carroll, who, at 73, represents the youthful vigor the team was desperately seeking. "Pete’s young at heart," said Davis. "Sure, he’s been coaching since before color television, but the guy still chews gum like a teenager at a detention hall. That’s the kind of energy we need."
Carroll, who recently parted ways with the Seattle Seahawks, accepted the Raiders’ offer after what insiders are calling "an intense negotiation process." Sources say Carroll initially hesitated but was ultimately won over by Davis’ promise of unlimited Las Vegas buffet vouchers and a lifetime supply of Doublemint gum.
"I wasn’t sure at first," Carroll admitted during his introductory press conference. "But then Mark said something about building a dynasty. I’m pretty sure he meant a dynasty of wins, but honestly, with the Raiders, who knows? Either way, I’m in."
Coughlin’s comment about "finding youth" has since gone viral, sparking a wave of memes on social media. One popular post shows Davis Googling "young coaches" only to find a picture of Carroll wearing a backwards cap. Another depicts Coughlin handing Davis a mirror with the caption, "Here’s your youth problem."
Raiders GM Dave Ziegler weighed in on the decision to hire Carroll. "Look, Pete brings experience, enthusiasm, and, most importantly, he was available. We’re confident he’ll bring a fresh perspective—or at least fresher than Tom’s."
Critics have questioned the Raiders’ approach to hiring older coaches, with one ESPN analyst pointing out, "If the Raiders are serious about finding youth, maybe stop using AARP’s newsletter as your headhunting resource."
Carroll, however, seems unfazed by the chatter. "Age is just a number," he said with a grin. "Unless that number’s your win-loss record. Then it’s a big deal."
As for Coughlin, he has reportedly turned down several other NFL teams with similar advice. One anonymous league executive revealed, "Tom told us to hire someone who doesn’t remember dial-up internet. Brutal, but fair."
The Raiders’ first game under Carroll will be a preseason showdown against the Los Angeles Rams. When asked how he plans to prepare, Carroll replied, "First step: find my whistle. Second step: figure out how to coach in a city where slot machines outnumber people."
Only time will tell if the Raiders made the right choice, but one thing’s for sure—their coaching search will be remembered as a masterclass in chaos. Or maybe just a cautionary tale.
Stay tuned, because if this is the offseason, the regular season is going to be an absolute circus.

Do NFL Coaches Need An Age Limit?

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 24 Jan 2025 11:10:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – Andy Reid. Pete Carroll. Johnny and Jimmy Harbaugh. All of these great men have that essence of Grandfather wafting off of them. We stan Belichick for taking himself out behind the shed while he still had a chance. Thankfully he chose a different, but much less humane, braining.
If you can’t even complete a 440 then maybe retirement should be considered and an injection of new blood brought in. This is why we’re strong Mike McDaniel supports. His light jogs across the field give us HOPE. He is a SPRY 41 years old.
Age gives wisdom. It give confidence. Does it give hubris? Maybe as Jordon Hudson on that last one.
We are not condoning ageism by any means. There is just a very distinguishable trend in both the NFL coaching staff, as well as Congress. Term limits (or age limits) would help both the NFL and the US Government bring in fresh blood.

Athletics Rename: Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 23 Jan 2025 10:11:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – The West Sacramento Athletics have announced they are renaming the team to the Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges. While we both hate that movie and would like to call out that the Athletics currently play out of WEST Sacramento, we approve of this name change. The I Street bridge is an iconic monument of the city.
Raley's Field (get rekt Sutter), also plans to make some changes. First on the list, they’re replacing the outfield grass with sharp crushed boulders. This is predicted to drive up sales by Little League teams immensely. The Dinger dog is also being renamed to the Extinct Delta Fry Meat Tubes.
While these exciting changes are incoming, let's not forget the best news of all, the complete demolition of the Oakland Coliseum. Those bleachers gave me sciatica, and I’ve only visited twice. While I did buy a nice $2 warm Coors Light on that concrete bridge approaching the Coliseum, I can’t say that I will be all that torn up about it.

Chargers gonna charge! (under new conditions)

Danny Dimes — Mon, 20 Jan 2025 09:26:00 +0000

The Chargers are gonna continue to charge, it just may look a bit different next year, In a shocking decision the European Union has officially mandated that the LA Chargers must update their "charging" capabilities to accommodate USB-C charging.
The Chargers, are notoriously known for their ability to “Charge” on the field after hopeful yet fizzled performances, most recently with QB Justin Herbert throwing 4 interceptions in the recent AFC Wild Card game that they were heavily favored in. They have now found themselves in a pickle as they hope to continue the tradition but will need to update their equipment to do so!
EU Officials State: "It's Not Just a Game—It's a Power Play!"</h2>
In a press conference that no one asked for, EU spokesperson Helga Voltage announced, “We believe in universal standards. If Apple can do it, so can the Chargers! It’s 2025, and we won’t stand for outdated plugs. USB-C is the future, and so should the LA Chargers!” In a bold response to this ridiculous demand, Chargers’ head coach Jim Harbaugh in a typical nonsensical rant said,“I think that's just a lot of gobble, gobble turkey. Just gobble, gobble, gobble turkey from jive turkey gobblers. I think that paints a pretty good picture.” We’ve been kind of down on getting turnovers and sometimes things just kind of start breaking right for you. Kind of like the olive jar.“We’re always looking for ways to improve our game. I mean, if USB-C can help us hang onto a fourth-quarter lead, I’m all in!” “I'm like a pig in slop. Loving it!!!”
Local Electricians Take to the Streets</h2>
Local electricians have quickly jumped on the bandwagon, offering discounted services to install USB-C ports in the Chargers’ home stadium. “It’s like putting a new battery in an old toaster," explained master electrician Spark Plug. "You just plug it in, and hope for the best!”
Fans Can't Wait to Charge Up... Literally!</h2>
Chargers fans are reportedly thrilled about the impending updates. “Finally, I can charge my phone while waiting for the team to charge down the field,” quipped long-time fan and charger enthusiast, Ginger Boy Kyle. “Who needs a fourth down when you’ve got quick-charging capabilities?” “Im gonna BOLT THE FUCK UP!!!
Conclusion: BOLT THE FUCK UP!!!!</h2>
As the Chargers gear up for the biggest technological upgrade of the decade, the world watches with bated breath and fully-charged devices. One thing’s for certain: if there’s anything we’ve learned from this absurd chain of events, it’s that the Chargers may finally become the ones who deliver “power” — both on and off the field. And who knows? With all that extra juice, they might just might win a playoff game or even a super bow! SIKE!!!!!

COLD TAKE: Stafford Will Cook The Birds In The Snow

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 19 Jan 2025 08:56:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO – It is going to be a freezing day in Philly for tonight’s Rams and Eagles game, luckily Stafford packed his BBQ. He is not unfamiliar with cold weather. Born in Tampa Florida on Feb 7th, 1988 on a balmy 45 degree morning. He was basically christened in Florida’s equivalent of a fresh snowy morning.
However, while Stafford is up with 4/3 career wins against the Eagles, he is down 0/2 against them as QB for the Rams. These two losses? Home games. This snow is going to melt from the heat of this fired up LA team.

Make America Great (at Hockey) Again!

Danny Dimes — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 08:27:00 +0000

Trump’s Bold Plan to Annex Canada: The Gold Medal Grab</h2>
President Donald Trump has hatched a genius plan to make America the king of Olympic hockey: annex Canada. Forget trade deals, borders, Seline Dion, and Justin Beiber—this is about pucks, sticks, gold medals, and kicking Russia’s ass!! “Canada’s been hoarding all the hockey talent,” Trump told a cheering crowd. “Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid—they should be playing for us! We’re bringing hockey greatness to America not seen since the mighty ducks! Its gonna be HUGE!"
Operation Maple Merger</h2>
The plan is simple: absorb Canada and instantly inherit their hockey superstars, coaches, and Zambonis. No longer will the US be the little brother on the ice. Trump and his advisors call it "the Louisiana Purchase of sports." “Never has there been a deal as good as this, their calling it the best deal ever made, Even Tim Hortons comes as a bonus—because what’s a game without donuts?
Unstoppable on Ice</h2>
With Canada’s nine Olympic hockey golds in the mix, Team USA would be unbeatable. “We’d score so many goals, they’d have to rename it the Trump Cup,” he boasted, waving a puck he insists was signed by his friend hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.
Canada Responds</h2>
Canadians are torn between horror and hysterics. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Meanwhile, fans have taken to the streets—politely—with signs like “Keep Your Mitts Off Our Pucks.” "Go Kick Rocks! you Hoser!!"
The Final Buzzer</h2>
Despite skepticism, Trump remains confident. “When we win that gold, the world will say: America first, Canada… also America.” Whether it’s brilliance or bluster, one thing’s clear: this plan has hockey fans on both sides of the border laughing—and scratching their heads.

McVay: We Replaced Matt Stafford With AI And It's Working

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 07 Jan 2025 08:13:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- We've written</a>, again</a>, and yet again</a> about how Stafford is the GOAT, empirically. Unfortunately it seems that noone's job is safe from automation, especially in a city that is constantly in the shadow of Bay Area innovation.
Ram's ownership have announced that Stafford was replaced by artificial intelligence, some kind of El El Em. The most unfortunate part is that is seems to be the correct play. While the Ram's standings isn't all that great in the season, the AI is certainly doing a better job than the organic sack of meat ever could have sadly.
The technology appears to function quite simply, although there is a fair amount of complexity under the hood. Here is the example that the 5th Quarter Sports staff was given. At the beginning of the Cardinal's game on the 5th, Seam McVay whispered into Stafford's ear,
"Hi, what plays do you think we should make against the Cardinals?"
And AI Stafford replied with:
"Hello! Happy to help! Sadly we've hit capacity, please try again in a few minutes."
After waiting 10 minutes to be safe they burned their quota for the day asking for methods to perfectly pan sear salmon and had to make another account.
After re-logging in they extracted the plays necessary and won the game. Pretty crazy stuff.
"You're absolutely right!" He chimed as we suggested a route. He makes us feel so sure of ourselves.

Tom Brady Retires From Color Commentator. Next Role: Blathering Grandfather

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 04 Jan 2025 14:31:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- Whenever I turn my television on to watch gridiron its as though I'm making a call to an elderly person who is talking about the sock hops and soda fountains of yesteryear. Except is the deep intonations of vocal chords soothed by Boxtox brand botulinum. The seemingly deep yet actually shallow quarter-back based insights that TEPBJ gives are as useful as an aging father telling his 35 year old virgin son to just "go and talk to that cute girl over there", where the cute girl is really a hardily disguised prostitute. Except in this scenario it is a former high school star quarter back nodding off after the 7th PBR on a Thursday afternoon, with the occasional grunt of agreement to TEPBJ's nuggets of wisdom relating to "...never seeing a pocket more open outside of that time I dropped a fresh-out-the-microwave Pepperoni-flavored HOT POCKET brand snack on the floor." We see these thinly veiled Nestle product placements for what they are, TEPBJ, and we are disappointed in you.
For an instant I thought we'd see some form of the inner TEPBJ during the roast. Possible cracks would form in the semi-plastic exterior and some of that dim inner light would shine through. Alas, how mistaken we were. My hopes forever dashed when it was revealed you were hitting a water between every tequila soda.
Besides the point, we are fully supportive and quite frankly excited for TEPBJ's departure from behind the camera. He has a full schedule in-front of him: telling the H1H5 infested pigeons at the park about play-action passes, telling pre-teen girls walking by about faking to the outside, and yelling about how others need to learn how to speak the language if they're gonna live here. We salute you Tom.

Doug Christie Whips Kings into Shape, Threatens 'Rick Fox Treatment'

Daddy Dumbass — Sat, 04 Jan 2025 13:57:00 +0000

The Sacramento Kings have been on a rollercoaster this season, recently dumping head coach Mike Brown after a five-game losing streak that left them with a 13-18 record. Stepping into the interim head coach role is none other than Kings legend Doug Christie, known for his defensive prowess and no-nonsense attitude during his playing days.
Since taking the reins, Christie has led the Kings to three consecutive victories, including a thrilling 138-133 win over the Memphis Grizzlies. His secret? A blend of old-school discipline and a not-so-subtle reminder of his infamous altercation with Rick Fox back in 2002.
The 'Rick Fox Treatment'</h2>
During a recent practice, Christie reportedly told the team, "If y'all don't start hustling, you're getting the Rick Fox treatment." For the uninitiated, this refers to the on-court scuffle where Christie and Fox exchanged punches, a moment that has since become legendary among Kings fans.
"Doug doesn't just want effort; he demands it," said guard Malik Monk, who scored 31 points in the recent win against the Grizzlies. "The other day, I missed a defensive rotation, and he just gave me that Doug Christie glare. I immediately ran sprints—he didn't even have to say anything."
## Implementing the 'Rick Fox Drill'
Christie has introduced a new training exercise dubbed the "Rick Fox Drill." Players simulate high-pressure defensive scenarios with Christie himself playing the role of the opponent. If they fail to keep up, they receive a light tap on the chest. "It's not a real hit," said forward Keegan Murray, "but you feel it in your soul."
Domantas Sabonis, who contributed 17 points and 10 rebounds in the win over Memphis, commented on the intensity. "I thought I was ready for anything, but Doug is on another level. The man still moves like he's in his prime. I'd rather take a hard screen from Draymond than disappoint Doug."
Results on the Court</h2>
Since Christie's takeover, the Kings have shown increased hustle and defensive intensity. De'Aaron Fox, who scored 23 points against the Grizzlies, noted, "I was fast before, but after Doug started shouting about Rick Fox, I think I hit another gear."
The Bottom Line</h2>
Doug Christie may be employing unconventional motivational tactics, but the results speak for themselves. The Kings are playing with a vigor not seen in years, and the threat of the "Rick Fox treatment" seems to be keeping everyone on their toes.
As the Kings prepare to face the Golden State Warriors on January 5th, fans are hopeful that Christie's tough love will continue to translate into wins. And if the team keeps this up, perhaps a playoff berth isn't just a dream but a looming reality.

Bench Clearer: My Wife Cucked Me With The Entire Rivercats MiLB Team

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 14:51:00 +0000

This is the worst day of my life since the Ladybird movie.
It hurts on a visceral level.
I mean how do you even get an entire team to agree to this? Even Dinger stepped in to slap a few.
Dark days.

MLB Forced to Switch Jersey Manufacturer After Sweatshop Raided in China

Drewski — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 12:32:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO -- CA The MLB announced earlier this month that they would be switching back to their old manufacturer. Many players and more importantly fans had chastised the league calling the new apparel “...cheap, uncomfortable, and ugly.” This change comes after it was announced by the Chinese government that they had raided and shut down a notorious sweatshop that had been posing as a sportswear company. The statement said “This house of thread horrors does not live up to the standard of successful knock-offs that we can be proud of.”
I would say this a win win for everyone, but Fanatics is guaranteed to swoop in and ruin everyone’s day.

Man Shocked After Finding Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree

Drewski — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 09:01:00 +0000

A Man was shocked to find Justin Tucker under his Christmas tree this year. When he asked his Wife what was going on, she replied “You said you wanted an old, washed-up kicker for Christmas?!” The Man responded “What? I said I wanted a bold, squash sticker for my workout bag. But, you couldn’t have even called Adam Vinateri to see what he was doing?”
Tucker was quoted as saying “I will try anything to change the mojo in my life currently.”

Arizona State Just Happy to Be Involved on Positive Side of Controversy

Drewski — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 17:13:00 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- In one of (if not the best New Year’s Day College Football Games) of all time, there was a major end of game controversy, because of course there was. A blatant non-call of Targeting by Texas, which would have extended Arizona State’s game winning drive, left everyone absolutely speechless. Arizona State had all of the momentum and all of America rooting for them to take Texas down like a Spanish Matador. America is a better place when Texas loses.
When asked for a comment, an anonymous school official stated “We are just happy to be on the positive side of a controversy. Especially one that does not involve underage drinking and fraternity hazing.”
Texas will now look to try and beat Ohio State to advance, in what I am calling the “Arby's Who Has the Worst State to Live In” Bowl, sponsored by.

The Sacramento Kings: Pros and Cons of Firing Scapegoat Mike Brown

Daddy Dumbass — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 18:30:33 +0000

The Sacramento Kings have done it again! In a move no one could have predicted, but definitely expected, the Kings have fired Mike Brown, the Coach of the Year from only two seasons ago. This bold move proves the Kings remain committed to their tradition of head-scratching decisions. Let’s break down the pros and cons of this ingenious decision.

Pro: Tradition Matters</h2>
The Kings have a rich tradition of chaos. Mike Brown’s firing is a reassuring sign that, despite minor hiccups like making the playoffs or being relevant, the Kings are still the Kings. Fans yearning for the stability of the mid-2010s dumpster fire years can finally exhale.
Con: That Whole "Winning" Thing</h2>
The Kings have a rich tradition of chaos. Mike Brown’s firing is a reassuring sign that, despite minor hiccups like making the playoffs or being relevant, the Kings are still the Kings. Fans yearning for the stability of the mid-2010s dumpster fire years can finally exhale.

Pro: New Leadership Opportunities</h2>
Doug Christie now gets his turn in the hot seat! A former Kings player and assistant coach, Christie knows the franchise inside and out. This includes understanding how to manage games, coach players, and—most importantly—cope with being blamed for everything by mid-February. We can only hope his rotations will make some sense.
Con: No Magic Fix Exists</h2>
The Kings firing Mike Brown to fix their issues is like a chef blaming their spatula for the soup tasting bad. Have they considered that maybe, just maybe, the ingredients need a second look? (Cough inconsistent defense cough).

Pro: Keeping Fans Entertained</h2>
Say what you will about the Kings, but they know how to keep fans on their toes. With Brown gone, the conspiracy theories have exploded: Did he forget to light the beam one too many times? Did he get into an H1-B debate with Vivek? Did someone say the word “playoffs” three times into a mirror?
Con: The Nuggets Coach Is Roasting You</h2>
When Michael Malone, your ex, is calling you out for lacking “class” and “balls,” maybe it’s time to shower. And reflect. This is like your old college roommate critiquing your life choices while holding a championship ring. The sting burns extra.

Pro: More Draft Lottery Practice</h2>
With Brown gone and the Kings tumbling in the standings, there’s one undeniable upside: lottery ping pong balls! The Kings excel at scouting mid-lottery talent who will someday shine…on another team. The cycle continues. Thanks Monte.

Con: “We Could Have Been a Contender”</h2>
Two seasons ago, the Kings were being celebrated as a rising Western Conference power. Now, they’re a punchline again. Fans are left wondering: what if they had just, you know, kept building instead of detonating?

Final Verdict: Kangz Gonna Kang</h2>
The Sacramento Kings’ firing of Mike Brown is equal parts puzzling and hilarious, with just a dash of tragic inevitability. If this franchise has taught us anything, it’s that no matter how bright the beam, the Kings will always find a way to dim it. Until next time, stay strong, Kings fans. Maybe ticket prices will finally drop.

"Vaxxed?” Aaron Rodgers Posthumous Inquiry on Jimmy Carter Shocks Nation

Danny Dimes — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 05:07:28 +0000

In an unprecedented twist that has left the nation both bewildered and amused, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has sparked widespread conversation by asking about the vaccination status of the recently deceased former President Jimmy Carter. The football star’s remarks came just days after news of Carter’s passing circulated, igniting a flurry of reactions from fans, politicians, and comedians alike.
During a live interview on his favorite podcast, aptly titled “Rodgers Reads the Room,” the quarterback posed a question that nobody saw coming: “I mean, with all the talk about health and wellness, does anyone know what Jimmy’s vaccination status was? It’s not just a matter of public interest; it’s a matter of historical importance, folks!”
Fans watching the podcast live immediately took to social media, where reactions ranged from hilarity to shock. “Leave it to Aaron Rodgers to ask the important questions… a little too late,” tweeted one amused user. “It’s like asking if your grandma had the flu shot while she’s at the pearly gates.”
The inquiry has sparked a debate about when exactly is the right time to ask such questions. Health experts quickly chimed in, suggesting that while knowing the vaccination status of a former president may hold some curiosity, perhaps it’s more of an inquiry better suited for a late-night talk show than a serious podcast.
Rodgers, known for his unconventional opinions on health and wellness, appeared unfazed by the controversy. “Listen, if we can discuss stats on my last game, why can’t we dig into the nitty-gritty of presidential vaccinations?” he argued, seemingly equating the two entirely distinct topics. “If I can throw a touchdown pass under pressure, I should be able to handle the pressure of finding out if Jimmy Carter was boosted.”
Even Jimmy Carter’s family weighed in. In a statement, they remarked, “While we appreciate Aaron’s concern for our beloved family member's health, we feel there are more pressing questions to tackle. Like, who’s going to take care of our peanut farm?”
Political commentators have since been lighting up the airwaves. One analyst quipped, “At this rate, Aaron may want to ask who else in the ‘90s was vaccinated. What’s next, is he going to dive into the immunization records of the entire cast of ‘Friends’?”
Rodgers did attempt to soften the blow of his question by speaking fondly of Carter’s legacy, praising his humanitarian efforts and the importance of public health. However, critics were quick to point out that there are indeed more appropriate times to reflect on legacy than immediately after someone passes away. “It’s like trying to claim MVP status from the afterlife,” one social media user remarked.
As news of the bizarre inquiry continues to circulate, pop culture fans are now speculating whether this odd query might inspire a new trend of “posthumous health audits.” Imaginary future headlines like “Michael Jackson’s Health Tips at 66: Was He Up to Date on His Vaccinations?” or “What Would Marilyn Monroe Have Done in the 2020 Pandemic?” are being playfully hypothesized.
As for Rodgers, he remains unfazed by the chaos of the backlash. In his next podcast, he promised to tackle even more pressing issues, such as whether the Kardashians will consider getting vaccinated in the afterlife. After all, in the world of Aaron Rodgers, it seems there’s never a dull moment—even when topics are better left untouched.
The only question left now is—can we expect a touchdown pass from him on this one, or is it more of a fumble waiting to happen? Whatever it is, one thing’s for sure: Jimmy Carter’s legacy has inspired more debates from beyond than most could ever have imagined.

Jimmy Carter, America's Sweetheart, Passes Before The Padres Win a World Series

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 30 Dec 2024 03:26:01 +0000

A moment of silence for the Padres.

An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 00:39:58 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- With Brock Purdy shattering his elbow into a million pieces just before the Superbowl, it looks like the Eagles are going to the Superbowl this year. In the seminal article of 2023, we sit down with a Philadelphia city municipal worker who is in charge of greasing up those poles for a serious chat on the materials they've experimented with.
Welcome to the 5thQuarterSports pre-Superbowl interview, thanks for participating.
Yeah, thanks for having me.
So it must have been a busy Friday evening, right?
Don't even get me started, man. There are over 23,000 lightposts in the city. Did you know that? It costs millions of dollars to make this city safe during any sporting event. It's insane.
Sounds like a large effort. Do you grease the horses, too?
Don't even fucking talk to me about the horses.
...
Can I swear in this interview?
Ok, so moving on, what materials have been tested? What are the absolute worst?
Alright, straight to business. I've been greasing up poles since 2009, and let me tell you I was scraping brain off the concrete before then from 1993. It was gnarly in the early years before this was a science. We've gone through SO many iterations.
Sets start at that 2009 year. What did you first try out
Right, so that was the Naive Year, as I called it. We started out small, we tried literal KY Jelly at first. Big mistake. It gets wicked cold during the winter here, so when the first round of Eagles fans started to slide down it activated the jelly. Unfortunately this really warmed their hands up. That turned out to be the WORST year on record, it really encouraged many people to give it a try. It was awful, we lost many elderly folks who just couldn't afford gloves that winter. On top of that, it was outrageously expensive.
...is this forreal?
Yeah. It really is. We thought we learned our lesson for the next year.
Did you?
We did NOT. That year we decided to set the city up into two parts, one half with peanut butter and one half with motor oil. Two huge mistakes. The peanut butter half of the city was very quickly consumed by the local homeless for the first 8 feet, I guess they stood on each other's shoulders or something? Hard to say, but the number of deaths before the celebrations topped the celebration deaths just from unknown peanut allergies alone.
The motor oil had a similar problem. We made the crucial mistake of using new oil and not used oil. Folks who lived near the poles just used an ice scraper and filled their leaky ass winter cars. Insanity, we really were clueless in those early years.
I have a hard time believing any of this.
Let me tell you, this is no joking matter. We've lost over 600 lives to the poles.
Okay. Right. I am getting dizzy. What were the best solutions so far?
WELL we really nailed it last year. We split the city into 8 divisions for a double-blind test. The most successful of that run was using Vasaline. That was GREAT, it stuck to the poles all night and didn't slide off. It preventing gripping while moisturizing. It actually ended up healing people.
The runner up was, oddly enough, was just coving them with water. Those froze over night, but made the poles extremely dangerous. Kids kept licking each other to lick them. People reached terminal velocity if they slipped near the top. Not good.
Well, I thin that wraps things up. Thank you for your time.
No, thank you.

Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with DraftKings

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 29 Mar 2022 15:02:47 +0000

Boca Raton, FL - Last week, a new competitive sport was born when a fledgling sports organization announced their competition calendar for 2023. This week, the National Powerwalking League is showing its already aged muscle with a multimillion dollar sponsorship deal with sports gambling giant DraftKings.
The National Powerwalking League was born out of the desire to give America’s agony aunts an excuse to daydrink and gossip about people outside their immediate family tree. While established sports like football and baseball have long tailored their events to family-friendly binge drinking by dads trying to relive their college days, the National Powerwalking League is dedicated to an activity just for the grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who are tired of being on the sidelines. NPL President Dottie Greenberg explained:
“With the new NIL [name, image, and likeness] rules, we forgotten matriarchs are ready for a piece of the damn pie. You Generation Zebra whippersnappers think you invented athleisure? I’ve been wearing the same damn spandex unitard since 1983. You never call, you never visit, so damnit, we’re powerwalking onto your television screens.”
5thQ sources tell us that Disney-owned ESPN and NBC’s Peacock are engaged in a tense bidding war for streaming rights that could go as high as $850 million dollars for the 2023 season. Teams located in Boca Raton, FL; Jacksonville, FL; Sarasota, FL; Naples, FL; Ashville, NC; Portland, ME; Phoenix, AZ; and Greenville, SC will compete in 10 events starting in October next year. Squads of 5 aunties will race around the block in the finest retirement communities this nation has to offer. Winners will be determined by pace and number of complaints registered per block.
DraftKings will reportedly pay the NPL $500 million dollars for exclusive betting rights in an effort to expand their reach among the most avid gamblers.
“The moment the NPL was announced, we knew we had to monetize….I mean support, this incredible new sport,” said DraftKing spokesperson Kyle DeBois. “You know who America’s real gamblers are? The old ladies chainsmoking at slot machines at 2 pm on a Tuesday. They’re the backbone of casinos, and now, the hottest thing in online sports betting.”
Is this the future of American sports betting? Maybe if you called your mother more, you’d know.

Lockout Update: Keys to the Office of the Commissioner Lost, Locksmith Called

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 22 Feb 2022 00:37:11 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- 5thQuarterSports has been diligently following the MLB Lockout with ground breaking, and cutting coverage</a>, and we will continue to provide just that. We've received an update from our sources that the mission to find the keys to the Office of the Commissioner have been abandoned. After weeks of searching back pockets, other coats, and between couch cushions hope nearly seems lost.
Without intensive Spring Training this season, the rest of the season looks murky indeed. Rusty pitchers will forget to hide their pine-tar in the bills of their hats, and just bring the tub straight to the mound. Our sources share one upside to this issue: the western teams are pretty happy to not go to Arizona to participate in the Cactus League. I think we call all sympathize with them.
All of this being said, there is still one backup plan to consider. The Club owners have gathered together, thought long and hard, and have come up with one effective Plan B. They are floating around the idea of calling a locksmith to unlock the office. The 5thQuarterSports analysts are skeptical of this move, and doubt it's effectiveness. However, we're not team owners. They probably know best.

The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 13 Feb 2022 18:30:54 +0000

LOS ANGELES -- Its that time of year again: beers, brats, and BBQ. Friends and family come over, thousands of calories consumed. Stabbing rates rise significantly. That's right, it is Superbowl weekend. This year the Rams and the Bengals are competing for the Lombardi trophy. However, this year there is a twist. While the winners take home rings, a trophy, and glory; the losers will not leave at all.
Society has collectively agreed the last few years have been the roughest in memory. We've tried many things: praying to monotheistic deities, wearing masks, and staying indoors. Our leaders joined hands in Bohemian Grove to come up with a plan to make 2022 more bearable for all. Chanting over the flames of Molach the Owl God came the answer. We've been missing it all along. What we need is a human sacrifice to the Mesoamerican Gods of old!
That leads us to the Superbowl. To appease the Gods, one thing must be done. The losing team must be sacrificed on the field, broadcast live for the world to see. This is the literal last move we have to make sure 2022 is a good year. The 5thQuarterSports staff has arranged a burnt offering of our own this year to contribute, but that is only because I left the ribs on the grill too long. Here's hoping the sacrifice works, and crypto rises from the ashes.

Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 08 Feb 2022 16:49:55 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- America is fed up with work. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, over having to spend any savings they have on a hospital visit only to learn that being 'sick and tierd' is not a diagnosable symptom outside of Lyme Disease or COPD. Ticks aren't even native to my area, Goddammit. How could I get Lyme Disease. But I digress. Americans are flocking to communities that are attempting to change working conditions to better suite the workers, with reasonable hours and better benefits. Reddit users have been driven to the /r/antiwork</a> and /r/workreform</a> subreddits for many months. The flock of the /r/antiwork church have been inspired by moderator Doreen Ford's widely lauded and revolutionary interview with Fox New's Jesse Watter's</a>. The brave woman entered the Fox News battle ground, dodged all possible verbal traps laid by the skillful anchor, and came out ahead. So much so that she has inspired Clippers player Ben Simmons.
Simmons is breaking new ground in this work reform movement. His moral stance on not working transcends that which has been seen before. Doreen might have been walking dogs for ~20 hours a week, but Ben has her beat. He is anti-work to the point of losing over 19 million dollars</a> through fines from the NBA for sitting games out. He is a true beacon in this anti-work movement. Some claim that he is not mentally ready to play in games. Some claim that he does not like his teammates on the Clippers. We at 5thQuarterSports have sources close to Simmons reporting that he is pushing the antiwork movement to places it never dreamed of going.
To enter the moderator staff of /r/antiwork, one must pass the gauntlet. One must battle a dragon. One must interview with Jesse Watters. That's right: Simmons is slated for an interview to evangelize the anti-work / work reform movement in early march. Given how Doreen slapped Watters down the court and back, we have extreme faith in Simmons for this interview. This will be a pay-per-view event, with Bruce Buffer (this "journalist's" least favorite of the Buffer brothers) announcing.

Washington Commanders to change name to Washington January 6ers.

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 02 Feb 2022 22:05:53 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Washington Football Team has been knocking their helmets together for quite sometime, trying to come up with a less offensive team name. They've toyed with many:

The Commanders. Sadly, Gen Z is too ACAB, so this doesn't make any sense.</li>
The Natives. Even more sad, their market research showed this was too 'PC' for their existing fanbase.</li>
The Insurrectionists. This one proved much too hard for the average football fan to spell.</li> </ul>
And this leads us to the current name. It has many pros:

It looks like very shallow punishment is given to those who participated in the January 6th 'riots'. Compare this to the treatment of Native Americans for the last 300 years, and it shows what society truly values.</li>
It has a nice ring, is easy to spell.</li>
This has a broad appeal across America, whether from alt-right proud boys to basement dwelling Q-Anon believers.</li> </ul>
5thQuarterSports fully believes that teams have names that are not offensive, and reflect moral values. We applaud the Washington Football Team from shifting from an out-dated, offensive name to a one that embraces modernity.

Bill Belichick, Ex-Lacrosse Player, Plays 3D Chess Over Text Messages

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 01 Feb 2022 22:48:09 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- We've all done it: pretend 'accidental' text messages.
We have the first level of 'accidental' text messages: reaching out to a love interest of the past.
"Can I get the car keys?" - Me to a cute girl I haven't talked to in three years
"Haha, what?" - Her replying.
"Oooh no, that was totally meant for my roommate LOL. Anyways, hows it going?"
This, this is level of text messaging is somewhere between checkers and regular chess. More on the checkers side of things.
The next step up is 'accidentally' sending a naked picture to your friend's group chat and saying 'Whoops', then following it up with a meme.
Above that is texting your Door Dash driver to pickup some beer on the way back from getting McDonald's. While bold, it occasionally works out.
And finally, we've reach Belichick levels of texting. Confusing the names of two people to initiate the downfall of a previous employer when they refused to promote you. That's a pro move, unmatched. The 5thQuarterSports staff has taken note, and will learn from the eternal sensei.

Official 5th Quarter Sports 2022 MLB Hall of Fame Ballot

Resident Ginger — Mon, 24 Jan 2022 22:04:50 +0000

Similar to last year, the other Hall of Fame voters are absolutely pathetic. Let some people (like us) get some votes. How about a fan vote? Fix this Rob Manfred. One year later and still nobody at 5th Quarter Sports has a vote (cough horseshit cough).
Last year, 5thQuarterSports only endorsed players who ALLEGEDLY used steroids. This year we decided to take a #wholesome approach and voted for those individuals we want to see in the Hall. The Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good @Lincecum/Papelbon/Fielder. Sosa isn’t even in the Hall of Very Good. He is in the Hall of Cheating Son of a Bitch. Put the bois in Cooperstown!

Golden One Center to Sell Ball Gags and Leather Masks, Kings Fans Are Submissive Masochists

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 24 Jan 2022 17:16:33 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- The 5thQuarterSports staff is extremely proud of the Golden One Center for embracing kink culture. A recent survey done by the Kings themselves has turned up some interesting results. Well over 65% of the fan-base are submissive masochists, and proud. They embrace their lot in life, and are fully willing to accept their lifestyle. The Arena is right there with them.
New booths are to open, mainly near the Sierra Nevada beer garden on the third floor mezzanine. Some of the booths include: Leather Daddy - a fetish shop specializing in bondage gear, Pretty In Pink -- a men's panty store, and 'Mhmm I Can't Hear You' -- a ball-gag enthusiast shop.
This is a giant leap for our society's acceptance and normalization of the BDSM community. We applaud the strength and courage of Sacramento Kings fans everywhere. They're steadfast, true, and know what they like even though it may cause a bit of pain.
The Kings are 18 and 30 this season.

BREAKING: Owner of Sixers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 19 Jan 2022 23:12:20 +0000

NEW YORK -- Trade rumors have been swirling for quite some time around Ben Simmons, with multiple teams competing for offers. Simmons has yet to play a game this season after he requested a trade to a different team. The Sixers, God bless 'em, have been scrambling to come up with a deal the benefits only them.
The Kings have come forward with a Haliburton, Hield, and Barnes trade, but the Sixers are not having it.
"It does not benefit us enough," Head Coach claims.
The Sixers have offered the Warriors an equally one-sided trace, attempting to secure Draymond Green and Andrew Wiggings, with some calling them "delusional".
But the final trade offer that is being pursued is the most insane of them all. They're petitioning God himself for a trade. It is as one-sided as they come, in exchange for Simmons they're requesting a free pass to heaven. Some have accused them of buying old-time indulgences, others have said that Simmons would really round out God's team.
The bias-less 5thQuarterSports staff things the Sixers should just give Simmons to the Kings for free.

5thQuarterSports Formally Endorces Dougie McCormick for a Kings 10 Day Contract After Recent COVID-19 Outbreak.

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 17 Jan 2022 00:14:07 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- The Sacramento Kings appear to be in a bit of a bind. It seems that COVID-19 is making it's rounds through the players and staff, mostly recently announced was Tyrese Haliburton</a>, and potentially Marvin Bagley III. It would appear that we could be entering grim times for the team. However, rough waters makes the cream raise from the milk. A clutch internal prospect has risen internally and reached the ears of Monte McNair and may be under consideration for a 10 day contract, given the recent bout of illness. That prospect is the legendary Dougie McCormick, the Equipment Manager for the Sacramento Kings.
Some may have scoffed at the SNL skip suggesting that Dougie had asthma attacks on the court</a>. However, the analysts at 5thQuarterSports would like to remind the readers that everyone has potential. NBA teams are bring in 45+ year old players to fill their rosters. Furthermore, McCormick even has a slew of numbers picked out and put them up in a Twitter poll</a>. The number 69 could be playing for 10 days.
It is your time to shine, Dougie. Everyone is rooting for you.

Breaking: MLB Owners Still Can't Find Keys To The Commissioner's Office, Lockout To Continue

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 16 Jan 2022 23:34:01 +0000

SAN FRANCSICO -- I walked by Oracle Park this afternoon, on what I expected to be a bustling weekend. Around this time the stadium would be prepping for Spring Training. To my surprise, the stadium lay dormant and hardly a soul was in sight. I waived down a meandering security guard and asked him what was up, why was I walking by a ghost town. He looked at me as if I was kicked in the head by a horse as a child, a look I've received my whole life. The portly fellow draped his arm over my shoulders and told me a tale.
"The MLB owners have searched high and low for the key to the commissioner's office, and they are completely unable to find it." He said to me, "They've checked their spare pant pockets, rifled through their coats, tried every key on their keychain including the ones which open something unknown. It has been 45 long days, and they are running out of time to find them. Folks are starting to get worried."
"Is this a metaphor or something?" I responded.
"No son, this is real life. But to tell you the truth, I bought this security jacket at Goodwill. I use it to get into venues and events for free. I don't actually work here."
Regardless of the authenticity of our sources, this is what we choose to report on.
The lockout is reaching epic proportions, and we're worried it will start eating into the regular season games. However, there is still one hope for us here in San Francisco. We might be able to snag some sweet lawn seats at this season's Sacramento River Cat's games. Dinger Dogs, here we come.

REPORT: Kings to waive entire roster moving to 10 day contracts, includes coaches.

5thQ Staff Writer — Mon, 10 Jan 2022 01:43:23 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA -- Some call this play by the Sacramento Kings as proto-typical. The 5thQuarterSports staff calls it ingenious. The King's owner Vivek Ranadivé has announced a stunning new direction for the team. Inspired by Isaiah Thomas' 10 day contract with the Mavs to fill their roster, the Kings will now adopt this as a regular policy as a long term player aquisiiton.
This comes at an interesting time in the Kings' coaching history. One could say they have churned through coaching staff like a strong, sturdy Amish woman through cream and children. This isn't good news for Alvin Gentry</a>, who just joined the team as head coach in 2021. Preceding him was Luke Walton</a>, who was coach for just a single year. The Kings ownership may have recognized a pattern here. Year long contracts allow for too much adjustment and familiarity. Too much long term planning, and results must be immediate. They need to bring these tenures way down. Why spend tens of millions of dollars on coaches who they fire, when they can spend hundreds of millions? Our staff thinks this is an ingenious play. It will keep the team's strategy as fresh as newly cut grass.
This will also have a large impact on the players. Even this week there are rumors that De'Aaron Fox</a> is up for a trade, who has been on the team since 2017, as well as Tyrese Haliburton, who has been on the team since 2021. The similar pattern exists here: these players have been on the team for longer than a few years! Player longevity needs to drop, and fast.
Will other teams follow this for-hire model for building their rosters? We sure hope so.

Report: You can take the man out of Butte County, but you can't take the Butte County out of the man.

5thQ Staff Writer — Sat, 08 Jan 2022 00:39:58 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- It takes strong moral fiber to boycott your job. Some famous examples come to mind, French Coal Miners</a> in the 1800s, the great Teachers of Ontario</a> striking in 1997, and recently the Kellogg's Factory</a> strike of 2021. Now, joining their ranks, is the great Aaron Rogers. He is STANDING UP for what he believes in. He is striking on his job, and choosing not to play in the Superbowl</a> if the Packers make it, unless his demands are met.
His demands are simple:

Legalize baptizing children in Bud Light.</li>
Allow the wispy, plastic smoke of methamphetamine to be legal within 25 feet of schools.</li>
Non-mandatory vaccinations in this free nation.</li>
The full recognition and succession of the great State of Jefferson.</li> </ol>
His demands are common amongst the denizens of the 'dirty 530' area code. They're good, common folk with strong demands. Keep fighting the good fight, our neighbors to the north. Keep growing them almonds, supplying water to the Hollywood elitists, and breeding strong Quarterbacks.

Report: Antonio Brown Was Too Warm on Field

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 07 Jan 2022 02:53:18 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- There have been many theories swirling around about Antonio Brown's recent 'outburst' on field. There have</a> been numerous</a> reports around this event. I assume this is because there is nothing else plaguing the whole Earth at this time. Reports of being forced to play with an injury, reports of quitting the team, and reports of a classic case of CTE have been flying left and right by many major publications, sports related and otherwise. However, 5thQuarterSport's diligent on-the-field reporters have stumbled onto the truth.
Antonio Brown was too hot. He was warm. Got a case of brain fever, and the fella had to take his shirt off. Case closed. Why is every talking about an overheated man with such zealousness, bitterness, and rage? Many have called for him to be pulled from the Bucs. Many have called for public apologies. I say: you must apologize, world. When the bastards of society speak out at once, the angels of the world - such as Antino Brown - must respond with love kindness and compassion. For those who call for vile acts against him know not what they say. The man was toasty, and the many gargoyles spitting fire at him are doing nothing to cool him off.
For shame to all the negative voices. Many are acting as if they themselves haven't ripped off their shirts in a fit of increased body temperature during their lunch rush at a local Cold Stone Creamery, storming off mid-shift, refusing to participate in yet another literal song and dance. Look yourself in the mirror, cretins. Man was hot, and you are not.

Metta Sandiford-Artest, Formerly Known As Metta World Peace, Formerly Known as Ron Artest, Sues Facebook Over Name Change and Stolen Valor

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 20:01:27 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- The media firestorm is calling this the Malice at Menlo Park. In the wake of mass shootings, white supremacy, internal company conflicts, harmful algorithms, human trafficking, war crimes, advertising, human-lizard hybridism, and generally bad PR; Facebook has decided to make a pivot in hopes that we all forget the nastiness currently associated with them. However, they've made a crucial misstep this time around: they're looking at 'Meta' as the new name for their company and product.
The Zuck has directly ripped off Metta Sandiford-Artest's brand, legacy, and namesake for their grand rebranding. So now, the one true Metta/Meta needs to be determined. Sandiford-Artest has issued a lawsuit against Facebook/Meta, and according to the 5thQuarterSport's personal lawyer and long time contributor, @Drewskidew</a> he has a ROCK solid case against them. Except for one curious clause embedded deep with the legal paperwork.
Sandiford has challenged the Zuck in mortal combat on who gets to keep this iconic name. A three-on-three no-rules half-court game of basketball. There are several loose stipulations in this proposal. The arena is of Zuck's choosing. Each player gets to choose one person on the other's team. There are no flagrant fouls. A player cannot granny shot (a devastating blow for the Zuck).
5thQuarterSports will keep our avid readership up-to-date with more details as this case of the century unfolds. All we can predict now is: this does not look good for Facebook/Meta, or for The Zuck himself.

Enes Kanter's Social Credit Drops to 0 in China

5thQ Staff Writer — Thu, 28 Oct 2021 19:28:33 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- This week Enes Kanter made a move that is controversial in the NBA recently: having a backbone. He was able to flex his spine in a very unusual way, through his feet. Rocking kicks that portray the famous Tank Man photograph with the tanks stylized as Winnie The Pooh, Enes stunned the world. This image is of course in reference to China's current president, who looks uncannily like a honey hungry cartoon bear. We here at 5thQuarterSports applaud his bravery.
We reached out to LeBron James, but he was busy crying in the showers over his Alibaba stocks volatility due to Xi Jingping's tech crackdown.
What are the consequences of this off-court play? Recently social credit has been playing an important role in the social hierarchy of China. Social credit has significant effects on financial security. One of the results is that Enes will have trouble securing a loan for a house in any Chinese province. Not only that, but upon entering any 'smart city', the advanced facial recognition cameras will pinpoint his exact location. Any false move, and he will incur heavy fines.
This extends to on-court play. Players with low social credit score will be subject to more scrutiny by refs. Flagrant 2's are triggered at the slightest brush of an opponent. A raised voice results in being thrown off the court. Most shocking of all, players with low social credit have no 3 pointers. All shots are worth 2. If fouled, the player's shots are reduced to just one.
This will have SERIOUS consequences on his future Chinese career. We at 5thQuarterSports support this decision, and applaud him for his bravery.

Why Is My Dad A Raiders Fan All Of The Sudden?

5thQ Staff Writer — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 01:16:42 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- I just don't get it. My father has never been a fan of football. I'm not even sure that he could name more than 3 teams before last week. I'm thinking of buying my parents a carbon monoxide detector, because my old man has come out as a Raiders fan. I walked into the kitchen early one Sunday morning and my father's face was painted black and silver. He was wearing platform boots, and had silver spikes protruding from various parts of his body. My first impression was that he was cosplaying as a member of KISS. I looked closer as I brushed the dust out of the corner of my eyes and saw a large number '4' on his chest. That is Carr's number. Then it hit me.
I probed him for the sudden fandom as I started to prepare coffee. I alluded that the Raiders have a pretty solid start to the season:
'Did you start following them because they're in good shape so far?', I asked.
He just shook his head, a smirk on his face.
'Carr is looking pretty good, he has 10 touchdowns so far. Are you a fan of the quarterback?'
Again, just silent headshaking.
'Their offensive line is full of fresh talent. Are you stoked by their prospects?'
He just leaves the room.
I guess I will never know.

ITS TIMEEEEEEEE FOR OCTOBERRRRR BASEBALLLLLLL!!!!!

Resident Ginger — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 19:23:30 +0000

Welcome to 5thQuarterSports’ October predictions. They are totally accurate and 100% unbiased. Strap in, for the truth.
Wild Card Round</h2>

AL Wild Card – New York Yankees @ Boston Red Sox</h3>
The Red Sox are going to shit down the throats of the Yankees. Eovaldi is going to shove and the Sox are going to hit 3 home runs off of Gerrit Cole. The Red Sox are on a tear at the end of the year and the Yankees tried to blow their hopes of a postseason and just barely held on long enough to destroy their fans in October. Also fuck Aroldis Chapman.
NL Wild Card – St. Louis Cardinals @ Los Angeles Dodgers</h3>
The Cardinals are the HOTTEST team in baseball at exactly the right time. Nothing will ever be more satisfying than the Dodgers winning 106 games and losing in a one game wild card game. “They had the most ever wins (106) of any MLB team that failed to finish first in its division or league.” Just let that sink in. We root for chaos here at 5th Quarter Sports and the best possible outcome is for the Dodgers to be leading 3-1 going into the 9th and having the Red Birds score four off of Kenley Jansen to blow the save. Write the movie script now. Bring back David Freese and GIVE IT TO ME.
Divisional Series Round</h2>

ALDS – Boston Red Sox/Tampa Bay Rays</h3>
This should be the World Series matchup. This will be the best matchup the entire postseason and it’s a damn shame that Rob Manfred hates the fans and won’t let this happen. Wander Franco is the future of baseball. Ji-man Choi is a sex icon. Nelson Cruz fading off into the sunset. Brett Phillips running around with his arms out wide to the Titanic song. It’s perfect. Until Chris Sale, Pivetta, and Eduardo Rodriguez come in and SHOVE. This is going to be a hell of a series and the Red Sox will win in 4.
ALDS – Chicago White Sox/Houston Trashtros</h3>
This is a very even series too. Both very boring teams in 2021 and this will be a snoozer but very even series. I would love the White Sox to win so that’s the prediction. White sox in 5. Rodon might fuck around and throw another no-hitter. He also might give up 8 runs on 10 hits in 3 innings. You never know and that is the beauty in October baseball.
NLCS – St. Louis Cardinals/San Fran Giants</h3>
This series will be electric. Italics for emphasis. The Giants were the best team in baseball during the regular season. But this is the postseason baby. HENNEYTHING CAN HAPPEN. With that said, the Giants are v good. They will win. I don’t think anybody in any series will get swept but this will be a series where the Giants would’ve swept but they will blow a game late. Giants in four. This is all on the condition that Andrew R does not attend a single game. If he goes, they will lose and that material change can not be forecasted in our current algorithm.
NLCS – Atlanta Braves/Milwaukee Brewers</h3>
I haven’t watched a ton of Brewers games this year. All I know is Hader is incredible and shaky. At least in the 5ish games I watched. The Braves are so fucking good. The Braves will win. Again, no sweeps. So Braves in 4. Dansby Swanson will have his coming out party and Freddie Freeman looking to make a run and secure his Hall of Fame spot.
Championship Round</h2>

ALCS – Boston Red Sox/Chicago White Sox</h3>
THE MATCHUP OF THE SOCKS/SOX!!! We move to a 7 game series here and 7 is statistically harder to win then 5. Because of the more games and no sweeps this postseason. Schwarber will hit a few Schwarbombs, the fans will drink many vodka lemonades (see my MLB stadium ranking article), and Sweet Caroline will ring through the halls. Sox (Red) in 5.
NLCS – Atlanta Braves/San Fran Giants</h3>
The classic East Coast West Coast matchup. Great for Major League Baseball. Great for fans. It will be cold in the Bay. It will be weird in Atlanta. Yazasazastremsky will cement his own legacy coming out of his grandfather’s shadows, Tyler Rodgers will soft toss a few saves, and Giants in 7. Again, with the caveat that Andrew R does not attend.
World Series Round</h2>

World Series – Boston Red Sox/San Fran Giants</h3>
Oh baby. Here it is. Here we go. Other than the Red Sox/Rays matchup, this is the next best matchup. These teams are so evenly matched. The Giants only had a better record because the National League is a god damn cake walk. The last time these two teams met in the World Series was in 1912 when the Red Sox beat the New York Giants and it will happen again. Red Sox in 7. The Giants have more depth but the Red Sox have more star power.

These predictions are final and unbiased (see my MLB stadium ranking article to see that I am in fact unbiased)</a>.

We Wanted To Know What James Harden and LeBron Jame's Shot Charts Looked Like for 2020-21

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 03 Oct 2021 22:54:30 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO -- I’m like a cat in many ways. I like lapping milk, eating live birds, and shitting in the garden. In this specific case, I am cat-like in my curiosity. Like many calicos I wonder to myself, often when I am attempting to fall asleep: where do LeBron and James Harden make and miss shots? This isn’t the one that keeps me up for hours, swirling about my noggin, but it is one of the ones that passes through nightly.
Would it be easier to, say, run this through the ol’ Google machine? Yes, it would be. I in a temporary fit of insanity and insomnia, this is what the staff eventually approved of. I created them with gluesticks and construction paper. Hopefully my Mom'll tack this on the fridge for the neighbors to see during Bunco nights.
Now, is there anything here that everyone else didn’t already know? Nope. But they sure are purdy. </iframe> </iframe>

An Unbiased Ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums

Resident Ginger — Fri, 01 Oct 2021 02:54:54 +0000

Extremely sick brag, I completed my conquest of all 30 MLB Stadiums on 9/24/2021 at the ripe old age of 26 years and 86 days. I went to my first ever game at 3 days old (allegedly) so that means it took me 26 years and 83 days to accomplish a feat many talk about with their dads when they are younger but aren’t committed enough to complete. With all of that, below is my unbiased ranking of all 30 MLB stadiums. I write this from the point of view of a Red Sox fan. I also grew up 10 minutes from Angel Stadium so I am an Angels fan and that is the stadium I have been to far more than any other. These rankings take into consideration a few things:

The inside feel and view of the stadium. The first thing I do at a new stadium is take a lap all the way around the main concourse</li>
Concessions</li>
Friendliness of the staff</li>
The area surrounding the stadium</li>
The impact of the home fans on the game</li> </ol>
30. Oakland Coliseum</h2>
Alright so this should be pretty obvious. Even if you haven’t been to this dump, you can tell from TV it is terrible. The only redeeming quality is that you can buy a $5 ticket and then sit wherever you want because they prefer people to sit closer to make it look like there are more fans there. Even the suites here are awful.
Top memory: Presenting the 2021 Lou Gehrig Memorial Award to Stephen Piscotty
29. loanDepot Park</h2>
Best part of the stadium is the bobblehead collection in center field and the view of downtown Miami in the far far far distance in left. Brings me to my first point. The location is terrible. Just bad. The bobbleheads are actually kind of impressive. Another stadium where it doesn’t really matter where your tickets are because you can just sit anywhere. The Marlins wore their red city connect jerseys when I was there so that was cool. Probably the best city connect jerseys put out this year. But yeah, bad stadium. I don’t like that you start outside at field level, then have to go up to the concourse, and then back down to your seats. Weird. PRO – They give you a button for your first game at the stadium instead of just one of those certificates AND they have a special button if it is your 30th stadium. It was my 28th stadium but they gave me both buttons anyway because I asked nicely and I am a simp for a cool button.
Top memory: Met this dude who was allegedly a sniper in the Secret Service and he too was visiting all 30 stadiums
28. Guaranteed Rate Field</h2>
Bought a $30 ticket and sat row one behind the visitor’s dugout. That was cool. And that’s all I have good to say about the stadium. By far the rudest staff of any stadium I visited. Also when you get off the train you have a long walk that was made worse on the way back because it was pouring rain and while the rain isn’t the White Sox fault, I hold them accountable for how far back to the train it was. And the entrance I went in doesn’t look like an entrance. It's across the street and then you walk over a bridge. Wild. Also, the stadium is just plain and the coolest part is a bunch of candy on the scoreboard. You have downtown Chicago right there but the stadium is closed off and pointing the wrong direction. Miss.
Top memory: Amazing seats for dirt cheap because the White Sox suck. Stadium 3 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
27. Rogers Centre</h2>
Rogers Centre is weird. People ask me about it and the first thing that comes out is that it feels like a basketball arena but with a baseball stadium inside. I think a big thing that throws me off too is they have a retractable dome, fine, but it opens up to dead center field whereas I believe all other stadiums with a retractable roof open at an angle usually foul pole to foul pole. I don’t know … just weird to look at. The Marriott hotel in the outfield with views into the stadium is pretty sweet. Good things about Rogers Centre – location is incredible right in downtown Toronto. Also, the concessions fuck. Hard. You can get poutine, Tim Hortons, and they have some pretty dank sandwiches. Allegedly you can bring in outside food but I didn’t try. Unfortunately, the stadium itself sucks but one of my favorite bars in Toronto is close by – The Loose Moose. What a name.
Top memory: Poutine in a stadium. Top tier concession.
26. Miller Park (Currently American Family Field)</h2>
I went when it was Miller Park (hype) and they have since changed to American Family Field (wtf). One of the coolest things was drinking a Miller Lite at Miller Park. Second coolest is the TGI Friday’s that hangs over the left field wall and is a home run porch. Also, thots and prayers to TGI Friday’s for getting evicted alongside Miller and being replaced by a restaurant called Restaurant To Be Named Later. This is a retractable roof done well with a lot of glass walls not making it feel as inside as it is. Location is terrible. So far from everything. Took the train up from Chicago and then had to Uber and it was all a mess. Stop 2 on 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
Top memory: Bratwurst with sauerkraut and a Miller Lite. Felt like a true Milwaukeean.
25. Dodger Stadium</h2>
I’m going to get so much flack for this ranking but I don’t care. I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic and I will not be swayed or bought out of my opinions. The view from the upper deck is pretty good. The outfield had an all you can eat section but I believe they got rid of it. The stadium is old and looks sold but not in the cool way Fenway and Wrigley look old. The incline in the upper level is insanely steep and kind of sketch. Dodger Dogs are garbage. You used to not be able to go to any section you didn’t have a ticket for. Dodger fans are the second worst baseball fans behind Yankee fans. The stadium is on a hill that overlooks LA, which is cool but it is an absolute nightmare trying to get out of the place. And you have an 85% chance of a Dodgers fan trying to fight you.
Top memory: Saw Ken Griffey Jr. play at Dodger Stadium
24. Yankee Stadium</h2>
Ok so I have been to both the old and new Yankee Stadium. They are the exact same thing minus all of the history that came with the old stadium aka the best part about it. It is right off of the subway making getting to the stadium very easy. Except you have to go on the NYC subway so you probably will get stabbed, mugged, or watch a homeless person shit in the corner. Monument park I imagine would be really cool EXCEPT at the old stadium you had to have a ticket not in the bleachers to go. We had bleacher seats. At the new stadium it closes way before the game. There is no reason for it to be closed at all. It is in the outfield, I think it has a net covering for safety, and doesn’t interfere with the game. There is a Hard Rock Café in the stadium (again, simp for pins) but there is no reason for a Hard Rock there. Should be like Milwaukee where you can be there and watch the game. Yankee fans are the worst fans in baseball and if your best concession is a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog, you lose.
Top memory: Went to Old Yankee Stadium with my dad in 2002 so I was 7 and it is my earliest baseball memory at a baseball game
23. Angel Stadium</h2>
I wanted this ranking to be so much higher but it just isn’t. If I had to guess, I have probably been to 106 games here. I am pretty confident I’ve hit 100. Could be closer to 150 but that seems like a bit of a stretch. The concessions are bad. They bring in “local” restaurants to have a spot in the stadium but never seem to keep one for longer than a year. “Local” because they are all surrounding cities and not really local. The stadium is old but better than Dodger Stadium because you can move about freely and it isn’t as steep. Love the double decker bullpens in left. Call me a homer but I LOVE the rocks. Fountains and fireworks for homeruns, it is in the shape of an A, but also in the shape of the Matterhorn just like the ride at Disneyland because Disney used to own the team. You lose sight of the field when you walk behind home plate and also in right field. I like to have eyes on the game even when walking around. The location also sucks being in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. The two huge hats in front of the stadium are one of the cooler features of any MLB stadium. Fun fact the hats have a hat size of 649 ½. GIGANTIC. They also have a huge A in the parking lot that lights up to tell fans not at the game that the Angels won and the commentators use the phrase “light that baby up.” Objectively sick line. And the stadium is called The Big A. Also a win.
Top memory: 2002 World Series Game 2. Tim Salmon last game. Jered Weaver debut. So many
22. Globe Life Field</h2>
Not as bad in person as it looks on Tv. I’m not sure that’s really a compliment but again, the first thing I say when people ask me about it. I was there for the first game ever in this stadium with fans, 2020 NLCS Game 1 and 2. Incredible atmosphere. First game with fans in all of MLB in 2020. People were itching for baseball! From the outside, the stadium looks like a shed from Home Depot. Actually it kind of looks like Home Depot. Just a big box. I like the big glass windows in left opening up the stadium a bit. Texas Live right outside the stadium is a cool pre/post game spot. Admittedly the game I was here for may have pushed this one slightly higher than it should be but it is still in the bottom third of stadiums so whatever.
Top memory: First game in the stadium’s history with fans
21. Tropicana Field</h2>
Much better than expected. MUCH. People give this stadium so much shit with many saying it is worse than Oakland. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Very good concessions. Like very good. The short rib grilled cheese is up there on favorite concessions at any stadium. Budweiser braised short rib, cheddar, swiss, Havarti, caramelized onions, horseradish cream, on Texas toast. Yes. Walking around the concourse sucks because you have no eyes on the game except for walking in the outfield. I like the bullpens on the field. I know I’m psychotic, but I like the catwalks. It's fun, unique, and after this stadium goes away will likely never happen again. Shohei (I think?) hit a ball that got stuck on a catwalk. If you’re sitting in right field you can’t see the scoreboard, which sucks. I like when they have another one on the other side. The roof lights up for the national anthem and on homeruns. Sick. The staff was incredible and the fans were into it.
Top memory: Wander Franco debut
20. Comerica Park</h2>
To be completely honest, I don’t really remember this stadium. I was uhhh 13ish but we had incredible seats and I didn’t hate it so this ranking felt right. I mean let’s be honest, the middle third is all just a toss up on the order. I like that the home plate dirt is shaped like home plate. I like the strip of dirt from the plate to the mound. Statues of famous players, near other Detroit team stadiums, I like it. Solid average park.
Top memory: Sat 7ish rows up from Tigers dugout
19. Chase Field</h2>
Chase Field was decent. I lucked out and both games I was at, the roof was open. Concessions were pretty good. Gourmet hot dogs, home of the churro dog, and the only stadium I know that has Cold Stone in the stadium. Big step up over Dippin Dots. Sat row 1 down the right field line. Good games. This being my 30th stadium might have helped the ranking a bit but I don’t think so. Good surrounding area and close to downtown Phoenix even though downtown Phoenix kind of blows.
Top memory: 30th stadium!
18. Citizens Bank Park</h2>
Very very average stadium. Far enough from downtown to be annoying if you aren’t a local but close to all the other sports stadiums and they have a sweet bar out there too for pre/post game. Love that you can walk all the way around the stadium and never lose sight of the game. I liked the double decker bullpen and standing area above. Not a lot great, not a lot bad. It plays. Top memory: The Liberty Bell sign lights up for homeruns?
17. TMobile Park</h2>
Solid stadium. Open roof for both games with a great view of the Seattle downtown and football stadium. Decent concessions. Got pretty drunk on vodka lemonades. I love the bullpen area (coincidentally where the vodka lemonades are). You can stand right on the rail 2-3 feet from the relievers. They have deep fried crickets at the stadium but I didn’t have any. Got a gnarly sunburn in the outfield for the Sunday day game I was at so that sucked.
Top memory: One of the last game Pujols played as an Angel
16. Progressive Field</h2>
Similar to Citizens Bank Park, I love the bullpens. Progressive gets the nod though because you can stand in front of the bullpens. Good beer options in right and love the field view in right field that you can go down to and watch for an inning. Close enough to downtown so easy to get to and fun staff. Good place.
Top memory: Skipped work to go to a day game
15. Great America Ballpark</h2>
I like Great America. Wholesome family fun. I like to sit in left field seats. Good area outside the stadium. Great Bark in the Park games. One of my favorite breweries nearby. Never had a bad time at the stadium. I like the steam stacks in right as an ovation to the Ohio River riverboats, you can see Kentucky across the way, and one of those smokestacks caught on fire at a game I was at. Great America at 15 is perfect. Average stadium average score.
Top memory: Pet many puppers at Bark at the Park.
14. Nationals Park</h2>
I like Nationals Park a lot. Solid all around stadium. Presidents race is awesome, love the entrance in left at outfield level and the concourse out there. Great views of DC. Love going to a day game and seeing all the Congressmen in suits leave in the third inning. Weird experience. Easy to get in and out with the metro. Not a lot to say, just a good all-around stadium.
Top memory: Again, skipping work to go to day games mid week.
13. Kauffman Stadium</h2>
I like Kauffman. Very unique stadiums. The fountains are cool. I think I like the scoreboard with the crown. I really like the hall of fame in left. I like how small this stadium plays. It is very far from KC but next to Arrowhead. Honestly the fountains pushed this to the top of the middle third but again, middle third stadiums fit anywhere in the middle.
Top memory: Stopped here to break up an 11 hour drive from Kansas back to Ohio.
12. Oriole Park at Camden Yards</h2>
Love Oriole Park! Went to opening weekend on Easter Day and got on ESPN for missing a home run ball. Was sitting in the front row in left field. Concessions are above average. Crab dip fries? Fuck yes. Too much Old Bay floating around the stadium but that’s my West Coast bias. I like the right field walkway behind the stadium that is technically part of the stadium. Feels like a baseball stadium. Easy to get to and close to downtown even if there isn’t much to do in the area. More double decker bullpens. Apparently I have a type.
Top memory: Getting on ESPN even if for an embarrassing reason.
11. Target Field</h2>
Target Field is beautiful. In the category of newer stadiums, they did well with it. Sweet right field concourse area. Cheese curds and fish and chips are great. I like the flags and Minnesota sign. They did well with the extra pieces of the stadium. Close to some good bars. Great stadium staff. Stop 4/5 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
Top memory: Devin Smeltzer debut.
10. Coors Field</h2>
Beautiful stadium. Had a Coors Light at Coors Field so that was cool. I like the outfield concourse. I like the mountain shape of the scoreboard. I like the bar on the top level of right field. I like the forest in center and the glass wall in front of the bullpens. The view from the front of the stadium is cool too. Looks like an old school stadium from the outside but more modern on the inside. Good all around spot. Great staff. Oh and there is a row of purple seats in the upper deck that is exactly one mile above sea level.
Top memory: Sat in the Diamondbacks’ wives section behind home plate.
9. Minute Maid Park</h2>
Very cool stadium. I liked it way more than I expected and way more than I wanted to because I hate the Trashtros. Great stadium tour and the stadium has so much uniqueness to it. The train is sweet. I didn’t know left field was the old train station and that is the inspiration for the arches in left. Sat in the Crawford Boxes, which might be my favorite seat in baseball (only because I haven’t sat on the Green Monster yet). I like the staircase in center and all of the random walkways you can access. Fantastic brisket nachos. Top 3 if you go by concessions alone. Crawford Bock is a great stadium beer. The train moving is electric and love the big windows in left. Close to downtown but really nothing to do around the stadium.
Top memory: Rangers vs Astros and Altuve hit a walkoff grand slam that went three rows directly over my head
8. Citi Field</h2>
Love the outside view of Citi Field. Reminds me of a turn of the 20th century stadium. I love the apple and the bridge in the stadium. Easy to get in and out of. Solid all round concessions. This is a stadium you are in and it just feels good to watch baseball. I don’t have a lot of notes, I just had a great time.
Top memory: Worst thunderstorm I’ve ever been stuck in happened during this game.
7. Busch Stadium</h2>
Second best backdrop in all of baseball. Beautiful field. Ballpark Village is a great strip behind the stadium. The Cardinals do a really great stadium tour and have a great museum. The Cards do everything well and it's really the backdrop that carries this stadium high.
Top memory: Getting three bobble heads and taking non of them home because I only had a carry on.
6. Truist Park</h2>
Only knock is how far away it is from Atlanta. Other than that, there is not one strike against Truist Park (lol see what I did there? Strike? Ha!). Fantastic brisket mac and cheese and my second favorite seat I sat in, the Coors Light Chop House in right field. The Battery is the area outside the stadium and is probably the best surrounding area of any baseball stadium. The Home Depot Clubhouse is a pretty cool piece of the stadium. Really cool de facto museum behind home plate on the main level and the Chop is the most electric chant in sports and I don’t care who knows it. It is. They drop the lights, it's magical.
Top memory: Going with my buddy who is a season ticket holder and him hooking me up with seats for both games
5. Petco Park</h2>
Petco is beautiful. Absolutely deserving of being in the top 5. I love the old candy factory built into the stadium in left field. Has the overhangs on each level that are great for home runs. When I went, there was a giant sandbox in center field for kids to play in. The stadium is right off the water in the middle of downtown San Diego. Gorgeous weather. Fun fact, you can see Mexico from the stadium. I like the weird indent in right field for seemingly no reason. And it's in San Diego. Enough said.
Top memory: Here for my birthday weekend and coming from Sea World, my brother was wearing a Nemo hat and got on the Padres pre game intro video on tv for the entire season. They were playing the Giants in Barry Bonds’ last season, he got hurt and I remember everyone cheering.
4. AT&T Park</h2>
I think you could make a case for Petco or AT&T here but the stadium beats out the “extras” of Petco. The third best view in all of baseball and I know that will be controversial. Fantastic stadium tour and probably the best one available. Concessions are great led by the garlic fries and bread bowls. The stadium is cold but I love it. One of the best features is in right field. You can walk up and watch the game for free through the fence. I know there is an inning rule and you are supposed to cycle out but if there is nobody there, you can stay the whole time. Splash zone home runs are also incredible with the kayaks and the fountains going off. I liked it better when the bullpens were on the field and the wall was further out, but it doesn’t impact the positioning here.
Top memory: Came here with my dad in 2013 when they rose the 2012 World Series flag
3. PNC Park</h2>
There is a reason Travel and Leisure ranked PNC Park one of the top 22 views in America. It is truly one of the most picturesque views I have ever seen. It is only accentuated by the nooks and crannies within. Even though the Pirates are absolute dogshit, Pirates fans show up and make PNC a great time. The concessions are great. They do a great job of showcasing the local Pittsburgh talent from pierogis to Primanti Bros. Every seat has a great view and this large ballpark plays small. Walking over the Roberto Clemente Bridge has to be the best commute to a stadium and there are a ton of great bars and restaurants around for post game fun. I also like the double dirt walkup from the on deck circle to the plate. Clean look.
Top memory: My high school throwing partner made the Pirates roster in 2021 so I got to go down and see him on the field pre game
2. Wrigley Field</h2>
These top two are just unfair. Wrigley is incredible. It looks how baseball is supposed to look. Walking off the train and walking around Wrigleyville is just the start to an amazing day. Build your own Chicago dogs, cheap beer, bleacher seats, cup snakes, and ivy. Just a few things that made Wrigley top notch. I have been lucky enough to hear Go Cubs Go at two of the three games I have been to including the first game. The second game had a rain delay and after we were able to move down to row 1 behind the Cubs dugout just in time to watch Wilson Contreras get ejected in a blowout and tell the umpire to “stop being so fucking sensitive you fucking pussy.” Classic. This was also the week of the 2021 trade deadline and the last time we would see Rizzo, Bryant, Baez, and others in a Cubs uniform. Another of the top 3 tours you will be on. This was stop 1 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.
Top memory: Crushing Chicago dogs (my favorite style of hot dog) and cheap beers all day in the outfield to contribute to the cup snake
1. Fenway Park</h2>
I told you at the beginning that I am a Red Sox fan and I told you at the beginning I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic. That said, Fenway is top dawg. Everything about Fenway is incredible. To those who say “yeah but there and Fenway you are behind a pole” I say “stop being poor and buy better seats.” It is an experience and worth every penny. I balled out and went to Opening Day in 2021 at Fenway. My first ever Opening Day. It was 12% capacity, which sucked so I just had to go back. But I sat everywhere. Outfield for my first game when it was 30 degrees and I froze in the shade, upper deck down the right field line, and a few rows up from the right field line lower level. All great. Fenway Franks shit on Dodger Dogs. Great clam chowder at the concession stands. Drinking Sam Adams all day long. Except for the multiple vodka lemonades. Fun fact – I was served the first beer at the Sam Adams beer deck in the 2021 season. A title I will never forget and a responsibility I will never take for granted. I should say that I needed the itch for more Fenway. The 12% was great but didn’t feel right. So, spur of the moment, I flew back up for a Red Sox/Yankees game and it did not disappoint. Sweet Caroline is beautiful. Yankees suck chants are fantastic. Watching Gerrit Cole get shelled is everything I dreamed of and more. This takes the spot over Wrigley because I really value uniqueness. I love how different from any other sport, every baseball stadium is different. It brings a fun element to the sport. The bullpens are sweet, the staff is great. Sadly one of my least favorite tours and the seats are uncomfortable but minor setbacks for the GOAT.
Top memory: Walking up for the first time and seeing the Green Monster

Drafting Matt Stafford As My First Pick On My Fantasy Team Was The Best Decision Of My Life

5thQ Staff Writer — Tue, 28 Sep 2021 00:24:15 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A few weeks have passed since the remote 5thQuarterSports fantasy draft. The legendary in-person event has sadly been sent into the realm of ‘full remote’, due to CORVID-19. Gone are the days of chips and dip. Welcome to the era of microwave bean-and-chee burritos infront of a standup desk. I am digressing, what are we really here to talk about? Well, it is one piece of advice.
That advice is as follows: ignore the cautionary tales of your friends and family. Turn a blind eye, and fill your ears with air pods when they tell you that you are making a huge mistake. Announce the plan early to your fellow drafters. Sing it loud, sing it proud: You’re drafting Matt Stafford as your first round pick.
Why is this drafting strategy particularly good this year? Well, that answer is easy: The Rams BAYBEE.
I praise Jesus every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
I praise Allah every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
I praise Elmo every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.
The analysts at 5thQuarterSports have asked the important questions, like Does Matthew Stafford Suck?</a> and we’ve come up with definitive proof that he does not, in fact, suck</a>. With this info in mind, keep one strategy in mind: do not draft anyone from the Lions. Your loved ones might laugh and call you names if you draft Stafford first, but they’ll lose all respect for you if you take the ‘road less taken’ of drafting someone from the Lions in the first round.

Where Is Steph Shooting At, Based On The Seconds Left In The Game?

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 21:03:35 +0000

I may not know much, but I do know that Steph Curry is good at shooting a basketball. How can I possibly quantify that? Well, I can't. I guess one could look at percentage of shots made to shots missed, but does that really matter? As long as someone is scoring points then do raw percentages count? One could look at many things.
Instead of simply asking if a player is great, we can try to understand how they play. I think an interesting part of that understanding is trying to find when they act, and what action they take. This can be relative to quite a few things, but two obvious ones are within a period and within the game in general. One relatively easy stat to calculate stat is how far away from the hoop is a shot attempted, relative to when the shot was attempted.
Hear me out, people behave different when it comes down to the wire. Early in a period there is much more wiggle room. Early in a game there is much more wiggle room. What does a player do in the moments when there isn't wiggle room? Lets take a quick peek at the graph below. This is in the context of a period, and we've stacked all of the periods from the 2020-21 season on top of each other to create this view. It is a more general view, but we can get to a more in-depth look later. Here is what we are seeing:
To be honest, we tried this with a few other players. Their shots were too consistent, and nothing really stood out. In this diagram, there are a few things we can really look at.
Firstly, look at the close shots. They consistently occur later in a period, starting from about 5/8ths in. Is this Steph getting aggressive? Is he trying to trigger fouls, or is he just trying to score those last points? Its hard to say, and I can't answer.
Secondly, an interesting trend is the ridiculous distance that he is taking at the end of the quarter. He frequently has the ball at the last minutes, and seems to be pretty far away. I guess there is nothing left to do, but it seems like this play never works out. It is an interesting personal touch, but atleast last season, it has never went in.
While looking at a single period is interesting, breaking things down even further into a game basis can give some interesting insights. Let's take a look:
Here, something is immediately apparent. Steph shoots much more conservatively in the last quarter. Those moon shots are far and few between, and hes falling back mostly to three pointers here.
Also interesting to note is how consistent his breaks are. There are clear cut lines when hes playing an not.
Did we answer any questions here? Probably not. Thanks for reading. By the way, the graphs are interactive. Mouse over them to toggle missed and made shots.

After Night With Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Changes Patriot's Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'

5thQ Staff Writer — Sun, 22 Aug 2021 21:58:56 +0000

BOSTON, MA -- Everyone has robots on the mind, or as they’ll be called in the future: people of artificial bodies. We’re seeing Elon Musk attempting to make ‘I, Robot’ a reality</a>, or Netflix turning an iRobot pool cleaner into a great artist in Zima Blue</a>. It seems like the whole of humanity has the next phase of AI and cyborgs as the topic of conversation. Philip K. Dick is rolling in his grave as we speak, and not just because we buried his cyborg body alive to prevent an uprising. The Singularity Is Near</a>, and it turns out it is just a little robot dog</a> here to give us unlimited cuddles, according to Black Mirror.
Given that pop culture is absolutely awash in robotics (and the news if it is refugee roboticists escaping an encroaching regime</a>), it only makes sense that the next logical step is animatronic entertainment. We need to break through, beyond the robot overlords that rule Chuck E. Cheese and Wally’s Wonderland</a>. We must introduce humanoids to the playing field. We’re not talking about Rocket League. We’re referring to the NFL.
Mr. Kraft had a tumultuous night. There was much tossing, and much turning. The man turned to the outlet that many of us resort to when the ambien is taking much too long to kick in and counting sheep just ain’t doing it. He reached for the ol’ trusty. He grasped Big Bertha with a loving embrace. It is 2021, if you’re not exploring your own body with silicon based accutroments you will not only be accused of being puritanical, you’ll also receive a discrete package in the mail for free if you promise to leave a 5 star review on Amazon.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is where gold was struck.
During an intense Twitter browsing session searching for suitable masterbatorial material Mr. Kraft came upon something extremely enticing. He saw robots doing parkour, backflips, and playing patty cake. The manufacturer’s name had a ring to it. Boston Dynamics. The rest is history.
Instead of draft days, free agency, and trading players, the wave of the future is upon us. The NFL of the future will have rules that resemble F1. Each team will have an R&D budget. A strict rule set will be announced, but creative solutions (which will be banned in the subsequent seasons) are highly encouraged. Which team can build a better machine? Which team can train a better AI? Some thought we’d try to live forever. Few thought that a Battle Bot’s spin-off would become the next hot platform for sports entertainment, soon to surpass even soccer.
We here at 5thQuarterSports welcome our robot overlords.

Bill Belichick Refuses COVID-19 Vaccine, Infects Offensive Line, Patriots Will Still Play

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 23 Jul 2021 19:58:04 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA --
“What in the **** is this ****?” - Ex offensive coach of the Minnesota Vikings, Rick Dennision.
The NFL just released a memo which states that any teams that have a COVID-19 outbreak will have to forfeit their games for the upcoming season, and further states that players will not be paid for the unplayed games. This announcement has been making the rounds through sports media and on Twitter with hot reactions. First on the chopping block: Rick Dennision for refusing the vaccine. However, fresh on the heels of this canning, Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick announces his staunch refusal to join the ranks of the vaccinated.
We here at 5thQuarterSports are shocked as well. What can’t Bill Belichick get away with? This man has generated scandal after scandal. Twitter has flocked to this news, dubbing the recent event COVID-gate. Why the media suffixes any event that Bill Belichick does with ‘-gate’ is beyond us, the events that he participates in are much more morally bankrupt than Watergate ever was. This latest is just the tip of the iceberg.
This is a slap in the face to all of us who have been vaccinated. I mean, if this rich and powerful man can get away with being unvaccinated consequence free, why was I laid off of my part time gig of petting zoo animal euthanizer for being ‘unvaccinated’, ‘contagious’, and a ‘spreader’? I love what I do, and the animals are already on their way out. They can’t get any more sick than they already are.
Refusing the vaccine for yourself is one thing, but exposing your team to your illness is another. Robert Kraft doesn't get his special ‘massages’ in the locker rooms in front of everyone, a perfect example of keeping one's opinions to one's self. Regardless, the 5thQuarterSports staff respects Belichick’s decisions. He is the leader of that team, and he is giving his team immunity the old fashioned way. God bless the Patriots, God bless the USA.

7 Children Become Orphans After Giant's Win at LA

5thQ Staff Writer — Fri, 23 Jul 2021 06:48:47 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- It is that fateful day in 2003 all over again</a>. Look, some people are predisposed to fits of rage. We get it. I’ve thrown a PS5 controller at a brand new OLED screen fresh from the Costco lot, like anyone else has. However, when it comes to murdering the fans of the opposing team, that is where 5thQuarterSports draws the line.
If this happens once, it is a fluke. Twice, coincidence and not causation. If the Dodgers fan murder a Giants fan in cold blood for a third through tenth time in one sitting, well then, that is where we draw the line. Lining Giants fans up, execution style, and nestling lead deep within their gray matter just is not right. Especially when done in front of their crying children. Some things are sacred. Baseball for one, family for two (just ask Vin Diesel).
Offing fans is one thing, however players are a different matter entirely. We are actively rooting for the ancient Aztec sport of Ōllamalitzli</a> to make a return. Yes, it is dark. Think about this though, the players are conscripted into playing. It is their necks at the chopping block, literally. If one loses, one becomes the ball. It is the circle of life, as Huitzilopochtli desires.
Regardless, 5thQuarterSports advocates for less death during sporting events. It just makes it dark. Come on.

Carson Wentz To Form North Dakota NFL Team

Mello Fello — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:27:04 +0000

BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA --
"Oh yeah, you betchya", 
quipped Carson Wentz at the press conference where he just announced that he has plans to leave the Colts prematurely to form the a new North Dakota based football team. It was hard to hear any questions or answers after the roar of the reporters rose. The 5thQuarterSports staff doesn't have official press badges, per-say, but rely on pressing a Round Table Pizza cup to the window of the press conference. In any case, we're ecstatic for this news. The Northern Prairie State is a prime location for a football team. You don't believe us? WELL, allow the 5thQuarterSports team to, respectfully, prove you wrong.
First and foremost: a beer will cost MAX 3 dollars for 24 oz. How is this, you might ask? Let's put it this way; a gallon of gas costs $2.50 in the Peace Garden state. That, dear readers, should describe it all.
Secondly: the home field advantage will shake things up completely. Let's dive into this more. From the months of June to August, North Dakota experiences it's snowless months. During this time, not too much will change. Games will be as normal. HOWEVER, the other 9 months are a different story. There are a few things to expect during the spring-autumn months. It isn't unheard of for inches of rain to dump within a 15 minute period, completely changing up the field. This dynamism is exactly what will give the team an edge. Nothing is more terrifying than playing in ankle deep sludge. Also, let's not forget the snow. Training will be brutal, and will sculpt the team into a monstrous force. I mean just look at Wentz, training in these conditions prepares you to absolutely clobber any team in your way.
Thirdly and finally: the diet. How did Wentz hit 6'5, you ask? Easy answer. A steady diet of pizza and steak and two glasses of milk with every meal. There are 3x the number of cows compared to the number of people in this great state. There is no shortage of the above foods. This will build a GENERATIONAL force that will be unstoppable. 75lb 5 year olds will dominate the Pee Wee leagues. They will strike FEAR into the hearts of their opponents during away games. The 5thQ analysts expect no less than 4 opponant's broken bones per game on each of these away excursions. This is based on hard math.
Let's look at possible names for the teams. These have been gathered from interviewing folks from Fargo to Williston:

The Prairie Dogs</li>
Oofta</li>
Lutafisks</li>
The Flatlanders</li>
The Mosquitos</li>
The Better Vikings</li> </ul>
There were many, MANY, more suggested names. We felt the above selection was appropriate to capture the sentiments of those we interviewed.
Stay tuned and subscribe to our RSS feed</a>, 5thQuarterSports will hit you with the important details in the coming weeks. We'll cut this Midwestern goodbye short by ~25 minutes and end it here.

New Formula 1 Rule Awarding Point For 'Driver Of The Day', Nikita Mazepin Now Contender For Constructor's Cup

Mello Fello — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 00:20:38 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- The analysts here at 5thQuarterSports thought that we'd seen it all. We've weathered the storm through many trials and tribulations, but this may be
the straw that breaks the camel's back. This might even be the gravel that shreds our mediums (we all know what you're up to, Perelli, don't play games with us). We nodded our heads when track limits cost Hamilton a place in Azerbaijan. We shrugged our shoulders at the announcement of the sprint race. We were ambivalent about Renault's name change to Alpine. But what has come out of the official's gourds this time has us seriously questioning the FIA as an organization (and their possible ties (debts) to the Russian mobs).
The most recent press release from the FIA has introduced a startling new rule: the driver who is voted 'Driver Of The Day' will now receive a whole point! Even more shocking, they've decided to back-fill this whole season. We're looking at the chance for Mazepin to have more points than Alfa Romeo and Williams combined, all without having broken 10th place!!
Now, we all know that Mazepin is a stand up guy. Just take a look at his Instagram account: nothing but tasteful amature photography of nuns in their cloisters, pictures of restored cars, and various sourdoughs made during the pandemic. We've all been there and posted them as well.
Going even further, we even recognize he is a true saint on the track. He respects blue flags, strategically allows his teammate to draft and pass, and has even been scratched behind the ears by Toto Wolf - lovingly of course. This all-around darling figure has won the hearts and minds of the internet. Being voted Driver Of The Day not once, not twice, but for every damned race this season is an impressive feat. This is undeniable. Even if it is thanks to the frenzy stirred at 4chan.org, as well as several alt-right Russia controlled Facebook groups, we have definitive PROOF that at least some of the votes are from actual fans. Recount! Stop the steal! Oh wait, sorry, I got mixed up with my non-satire column that I write for Breitbart. Back to the matter at hand:
This has us questioning, what is the FIA going to leave up to the internet next? Will they allow the hive-mind to start naming cars? Will Botas' car soon be named 'Cary McCar Face', in a streak of originality that has never been seen before? Will the FIA allow the internet to decide which corners of each race will have track limits? OR, will the FIA give the internet the button to turn DRS on-and-off in some twisted dangerous version of 'Twitch Plays Pokemon Red'?? When will this madness end? It started at sprint races and Driver Of The Day points, and it is hard to see where it will go.
Close your eyes and pray. It will be a rough season from here on out. I personally blame the viewership boost that 'Drive To Survive' and a strong season start has caused.

But-Her-Fingers, Get A Grip On The Damn Ball!

Mello Fello — Sun, 20 Jun 2021 21:03:35 +0000

The NBA is full of amazing athletes. They've spent years honing their skills on the court, they've spent countless hours understanding the game, they've sacrificed many things to get where they are. With all that said, the 5thQ staff has one question: Why do these men cover their fingers in sweet cream unsalted butter before each game?
In this article, we'll attempt to break down who has the most buttery fingers. We've scraped data from the NBA for this data. We'll see in what scenarios they let the ball slip past their fingers. Judging by these stats, it seems that some of the best players hangout at the movie theaters before the game, fist deep in a gallon bucket of popcorn, and forget to wash their hands before entering the court.

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Dak Prescott; Samira</h2> Highly mobile? Check. Annoying if the matchup is right? Check.</p>

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Conclusion</h2>
The Giants have really set themselves up to build an all star team of young up and coming players. We think we found the perfect combo to really mess up their chances to win for another 5+ years.</p>

Lamar Jackson; Kalista</h2>
Extremely mobile, dancing around the field, always on the move, setting records for rushing yards, Jackson lines up perfectly with Kalista. Pair that with his accuracy and it is simply a no-brainer that he mains this ADC.</p>

Dak Prescott; Samira</h2>
Highly mobile? Check. Annoying if the matchup is right? Check.</p>

Jameis Winston; Draven</h2>
Boom or bust. We're talking fest or famine. Final outcomes are highly dependent on the early game. However, that being said, when the dunk master pops off the game is decided.</p>

Justin Herbert; Taliah</h2>
Herbert is a well rounded QB. He can play back, has mobility, and can also go deeper when needed. Herbert is Taliah in her prime, throwing rocks and hitting the gas when needed.</p>

Brock Purdy; Silas</h2>
Purdy shines as an adaptive player, taking on the persona that best fits the situation. He is a man of many skins, and that makes him the perfect Silas' ult stealing. Mobile when he needs to be, but has the ability to shape himself to the scenario at hand.</p>

Joe Flacco; Galio</h2>
Built like a brick shit house that goes deep. Thick with two Cs, he'll come in out of nowhere (retirement) and fuck shit up. That being said he's also strong, breaking tackles left and right. Truly a force to be reckoned with.</p>

Kenny Pickett; Taric</h2>
Absolutely useless. Nothing else to say.</p>

1. Buffalo Wild Wings</h2>
Mecca is open on Christmas. What more can we see. Old Faithful still blows, the flag has 50 stars, and chickens still have wings. It is the number 1 slot for obvious reasons, we don't need to list them out.</p>
Merry Christmas. Drive home safe.</p>

The Effects of Being Foul</h2>
Next, lets see what happens if the Kings play too aggressively against specific players.</p>
</p>
If the Kings can stay away from Landale, Prosper, and Wells they should be fine. These players made the most, so are the most likely to benefit from retaliation.</p>