[

  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with DraftKings",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with DraftKings\"\ndescription = \"Grandma is giving me cash on my birthday, by powerwalking her way to victory.\"\ndate = 2022-03-29T15:02:47.296Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with #DraftKings. The O/U odds are insane.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"power_walking_champs.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nBoca Raton, FL - Last week, a new competitive sport was born when a fledgling sports organization announced their competition calendar for 2023. This week, the National Powerwalking League is showing its already aged muscle with a multimillion dollar sponsorship deal with sports gambling giant DraftKings.\n\nThe National Powerwalking League was born out of the desire to give America’s agony aunts an excuse to daydrink and gossip about people outside their immediate family tree. While established sports like football and baseball have long tailored their events to family-friendly binge drinking by dads trying to relive their college days, the National Powerwalking League is dedicated to an activity just for the grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who are tired of being on the sidelines. NPL President Dottie Greenberg explained:\n\n“With the new NIL [name, image, and likeness] rules, we forgotten matriarchs are ready for a piece of the damn pie. You Generation Zebra whippersnappers think you invented athleisure? I’ve been wearing the same damn spandex unitard since 1983. You never call, you never visit, so damnit, we’re powerwalking onto your television screens.”\n\n5thQ sources tell us that Disney-owned ESPN and NBC’s Peacock are engaged in a tense bidding war for streaming rights that could go as high as $850 million dollars for the 2023 season. Teams located in Boca Raton, FL; Jacksonville, FL; Sarasota, FL; Naples, FL; Ashville, NC; Portland, ME; Phoenix, AZ; and Greenville, SC will compete in 10 events starting in October next year. Squads of 5 aunties will race around the block in the finest retirement communities this nation has to offer. Winners will be determined by pace and number of complaints registered per block. \n\nDraftKings will reportedly pay the NPL $500 million dollars for exclusive betting rights in an effort to expand their reach among the most avid gamblers. \n\n“The moment the NPL was announced, we knew we had to monetize….I mean support, this incredible new sport,” said DraftKing spokesperson Kyle DeBois. “You know who America’s real gamblers are? The old ladies chainsmoking at slot machines at 2 pm on a Tuesday. They’re the backbone of casinos, and now, the hottest thing in online sports betting.”\n\nIs this the future of American sports betting? Maybe if you called your mother more, you’d know. \n\n\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/newly-formed-national-powerwalking-league-announces-partnership-with-draftkings/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/power_walking_champs.png",
      "tweet": "Newly Formed National Powerwalking League Announces Partnership with #DraftKings. The O/U odds are insane."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Make America Great (at Hockey) Again!",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Make America Great (at Hockey) Again!\"\ndescription = \"US to Annex Canada! America will be great at hockeey again. Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid—they should be playing for us.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-09T08:27:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The US to Annex Canada! Make America great (at Hockey) ugain. Crack open a Molson, we are BACK.\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/07/us/politics/trump-organization-trial-herschel-walker.html\"\nimage = \"trump-staring-canada.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n## Trump’s Bold Plan to Annex Canada: The Gold Medal Grab\nPresident Donald Trump has hatched a genius plan to make America the king of Olympic hockey: annex Canada. Forget trade deals, borders, Seline Dion, and Justin Beiber—this is about pucks, sticks, gold medals, and kicking Russia’s ass!!\n“Canada’s been hoarding all the hockey talent,” Trump told a cheering crowd. “Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid—they should be playing for us! We’re bringing hockey greatness to America not seen since the mighty ducks! Its gonna be HUGE!\"\n## Operation Maple Merger\nThe plan is simple: absorb Canada and instantly inherit their hockey superstars, coaches, and Zambonis. No longer will the US be the little brother on the ice. Trump and his advisors call it \"the Louisiana Purchase of sports.\" “Never has there been a deal as good as this, their calling it the best deal ever made, Even Tim Hortons comes as a bonus—because what’s a game without donuts?\n## Unstoppable on Ice\nWith Canada’s nine Olympic hockey golds in the mix, Team USA would be unbeatable. “We’d score so many goals, they’d have to rename it the Trump Cup,” he boasted, waving a puck he insists was signed by his friend hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.\n## Canada Responds\nCanadians are torn between horror and hysterics. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Meanwhile, fans have taken to the streets—politely—with signs like “Keep Your Mitts Off Our Pucks.” \"Go Kick Rocks! you Hoser!!\"\n## The Final Buzzer\nDespite skepticism, Trump remains confident. “When we win that gold, the world will say: America first, Canada… also America.” Whether it’s brilliance or bluster, one thing’s clear: this plan has hockey fans on both sides of the border laughing—and scratching their heads.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/make-america-great-at-hockey-again/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/trump-staring-canada.jpg",
      "tweet": "The US to Annex Canada! Make America great (at Hockey) ugain. Crack open a Molson, we are BACK."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Barstool Sports Banned From White House Press Briefings",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Barstool Sports Banned From White House Press Briefings\"\ndescription = \"Barstool Sports banned from white house press briefings. Their press credentials are revoked, leaving the press pool even smaller.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-15T15:14:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Barstool Sports banned from White House press briefings, press credentials revoked.\"\nimage = \"white-house-barstool-ban.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – In a SHOCKING turn of events Barstool Sports has been banned from participating in White House press briefings by the Trump administration. Further, this ban extends the Pizza Review from reviewing the newly installed Brick-Up Oven Pizza window featured at the Washington Monument.\n\nThis comes on the heels of a long battle over crypto deregulation waged by Barsool founder and El Presidente, Dave Portnoy, et al. After the tragic fall from grace and subsequent self-immolation from both Hailey Welch's Hawk Tuah coin and former wide-receiver Antonio Browns’ (AB) CTESPN Coin, the Portony endorsed jailcoin has broken through the crypto zeitgeist. It has seemingly transformed itself from a meme coin to a stable coin in a strange twist of events. Subsequently, the push from the Barstool staff for even further deregulation and tax exempt status have left a bitter taste in the mouths of those in Washington.\n\nMusk has called the push “Not very based”, favoring his shitcoin DOGE, named after his shadow government agency (Dogshit Obvious Governmental Eradication). That is right, in this version of reality the shitcoin came after the agency. Just roll with it.\n\nWhen prompted for a quote from President Trump at the White House by 5thQuarterSports staff, where we have press credentials and front row seats for questions sandwiched between the really sweaty guy from OAN and the other, sweatier guy from Newsmax, he responded with “I literally don’t know where I am right now.”\n\nMore in the coming days.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/breaking-barstool-sports-banned-from-white-house-press-briefings/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/white-house-barstool-ban.jpg",
      "tweet": "Barstool Sports banned from White House press briefings, press credentials revoked."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "ICE Deports Famous Backhairistan Soccer Forward Bolbi Stroganovsky Over Hamas Ties",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"ICE Deports Famous Backhairistan Soccer Forward Bolbi Stroganovsky Over Hamas Ties\"\ndescription = \"Bolbi Stroganovsky: deported due to social media posts ties to Hamas. The one time futbol superstar and presidential hopeful now held at CECOT detention center.\"\ndate = \"2025-03-20T18:37:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Bolbi Stroganovsky, Backhairistan futbol forward, deported over alleged Hamas ties. Has not been seen since arriving at the CECOT detention center in El Salvador.\"\nimage = \"bolbi-isis.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Slap slap slap, clap clap clap. It is a dark day indeed for the glorious nation of Backhairistan. The current political climate in the United States is dire, with ICE raids occurring on innocent legal immigrants and American citizens alike.\n\nCaught in the middle: Bolbi Stroganovsky. Once Presidential hopeful of his home country of Backhairistan, turned soccer superstar. With is abrupt arrest, signs can only point to a politically motivated disappearance. The justification? Bolbi had like one tweet originating from a Hamas parody account on X, the site formally known as \"Slightly Racist Twitter\". Dark days indeed.\n\nHis ascent to stardom has been unmatched and truely astounding. He is a true representation of the American dream. Immigrating to America as a child, and attending Lindbergh Elementary School getting a solid American education he later returned to his home country to compete on the national level. His failed transition to politics was mired with scandal and incompetency.\n\nHe returned to America earlier this year, in hopes of joining the MLS. Sadly he has fallen prey to the on-going immigrant roundups and was sent to the CECOT detention center in El Salvador. He has not been heard from since.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/breaking-ice-deports-famous-backhairistan-soccer-forward-bolbi-stroganovsky-over-hamas-ties/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/bolbi-isis.jpg",
      "tweet": "Bolbi Stroganovsky, Backhairistan futbol forward, deported over alleged Hamas ties. Has not been seen since arriving at the CECOT detention center in El Salvador."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Rory McIlroy wins LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Rory McIlroy wins LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad\"\ndescription = \"Rory McIlroy wins LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad. Unfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the 'practice dissident'.\"\ndate = \"2025-04-13T18:50:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Rory McIlroy wins #LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad. Unfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the 'practice dissident'. We didn't forget that happened, right?\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"mcilroy-bonesaw.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Salamalekum to McIlroy, and many blessing. Precision, repetition, focus. These are all traits required to saw a member of the press into multiple chunks in a timely manner without leaving much evidence. It just so happens that it is a requirement for professional golfers as well. What luck, as McIlroy's win triggers the unannounced \"prize\". McIlroy has been elevated to the supreme status of dissident dismemberers.\n\nUnfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the practice dummy.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/rory-mcilroy-wins-liv-prize-of-joining-mohammed-bin-salmans-journalist-dismemberment-squad/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/mcilroy-bonesaw.jpg",
      "tweet": "Rory McIlroy wins #LIV prize of joining Mohammed bin Salman's Journalist Dismemberment Squad. Unfortunately for DeChambeau he will be the 'practice dissident'. We didn't forget that happened, right?"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "5thQuarterSports Suddenly Barred From White House Press Briefings",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"5thQuarterSports Suddenly Barred From White House Press Briefings\"\ndescription = \"5th Quarter Sports suddenly barred From white house press briefings. Our reporting was the only thing connecting the White House to Sports Entertainment.\"\ndate = \"2025-04-25T08:03:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"5th Quarter Sports suddenly barred From white house press briefings. Our reporting was the only thing connecting the White House to the world of Sports Entertainment.\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage = \"1000004463.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nWASHINGTON, D.C. – This morning 5th Quarter Sports was unexpectedly denied entry to the daily White House press briefing in the West Wing. Our reporters had not been contacted by the White House prior and only learned of the decision when they attempted to enter the briefing.\n\nWhite House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt did not acknowledge our reporters, aside from having a member of her security deliver a post it note that read “scram!”\n\nThis makes 5thQuarterSports only the latest in a string of news organizations that The White House has abruptly denied entry to routine press events.\n\nThe Trump Administration’s decision comes as a surprise to 5thQuarterSports, since our admission to daily briefings had been guaranteed upon our continued intimidation of Associated Press.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/5thquartersports-suddenly-barred-from-white-house-press-briefings/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004463.jpg",
      "tweet": "5th Quarter Sports suddenly barred From white house press briefings. Our reporting was the only thing connecting the White House to the world of Sports Entertainment."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "The Kentucky Derby or An NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Kentucky Derby or An NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports\"\ndescription = \"Both of these events involve an appropriate amount of whipping. I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. Who will finish first?\"\ndate = \"2025-05-03T11:47:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Kentucky Derby or an NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports. I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. It feels like I'm Hunter S. Thompson writing about San Juan cock-fighting. Introducing the shady world of the NFL Jerk Circle.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"kentucky-derby-waffle.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. While one is the sport you would 100% guess, the other is a more obscure bet. The semi-legal, shady, and hidden world of NFL Jerk Circle betting. It feels like I'm Hunter S. Thompson writing about San Juan cock-fighting even mentioning this forbidden fruit. My bets are off, as are the horses as well as the quarter backs. Dak Prescott to finish last (champ), while I have strong money on Rogers having to eat that soggy limp biscuit.\n\nIts a swampy day under the bleachers at the Derby in Churchill Downs, where the NFL Jerk Circle is traditionally held. We're surrounded by several greats, Dana White is here promoting his new Meat Slap league, as well as Bob Costas with his signature peanutbuttery tones gracing the microphone. Its reduced to a tinny sound coming out of the small speaker at the edge of the circle. The scene is reminiscent of the ancient art of sumo. 250LB+ men, pensive, hands on their knees, hear naked.\n\nA single shot rings, the cap gun is blown, and they're off. Its a quick endevour, all business no pleasure. A few muffled grunts, avoidant eye contact, the works. This year lasts 2:07, nearly reaching the record of '83. Noones going to Vronsky any of the jackers, even though Garoppolo did end up breaking his leg.\n\nI've lost money, but I've gained culture.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/the-kentucky-derby-or-an-nfl-jerk-circle-the-fastest-two-minutes-in-sports/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/kentucky-derby-waffle.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Kentucky Derby or an NFL Jerk Circle: The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports. I have money on both Javier Castellano and Aaron Rogers this weekend. It feels like I'm Hunter S. Thompson writing about San Juan cock-fighting. Introducing the shady world of the NFL Jerk Circle."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Coco Gauff Gets New Brand Partnerships After French Open: Coco Gauff Cocofloss, Coco Gauff Cocoa Puffs, and more",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Coco Gauff Gets New Brand Partnerships After French Open: Coco Gauff Cocofloss, Coco Gauff Cocoa Puffs, and more\"\ndescription = \"Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. The world has moved on from Wheaties\"\ndate = \"2025-06-13T16:45:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Coco Gauff Gets New Brand Partnerships After French Open: Coco Gauff Cocofloss, Coco Gauff Cocoa Puffs, and more.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"coco_gauf_cocofloss.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. With this win comes fame, recognition, and of course brand deals. The world has moved on pasted the time honored Wheaties, the world has more sophisticated tastes. On the table for Gauff is [Cocofloss](https://cocolab.com/), the rope-like floss which is sweeping the nation. This is fitting for a tennis player because it is thick and durable enough to string a racket. It causes advanced levels of gum bleeding, it is NOT for the faint of heart.\n\nUp next on the list of sponsorship deals is with Cocoa Puffs. We are coo-coo for Coco Gauff (my Canadian girlfriend told me this one as I was desperately trying to find other pun-based sponsorships). The commercial is set to be in the style of \"Who Framed Roger Rabbit\", with her playing tennis against that fucked up bird which I can't seem to Google the name for.\n\nFinally, we have Coco Gauff coconuts. I've given up. I've been doomscrolling for weeks, 4-5 hours on my phone each day just flicking between apps like a rat with a pleasure button. I don't even watch tennis. I'm so underqualified to write this article.\n\nShout out Coco Gauff. We're proud.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/coco-gauff-gets-new-brand-partnerships-after-french-open-coco-gauff-cocofloss-coco-gauff-cocoa-puffs-and-more/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/coco_gauf_cocofloss.jpg",
      "tweet": "Coco Gauff Gets New Brand Partnerships After French Open: Coco Gauff Cocofloss, Coco Gauff Cocoa Puffs, and more."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live game",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live game\"\ndescription = \"Please place your bets to proceed to the Live Stream. Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite to watch a game.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-01T09:21:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live #NFL or #NBA game. Abolish ads and subscriptions. Placing 5 bets minimum should unlock any live sports stream. Welcome to the future.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"parlay-game-requirement.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nDAYTON, OH -- A wave of hatred is rolling across the great US. There are [senate bills being proposed in Maryland](https://www.cbsnews.com/baltimore/news/maryland-states-debate-repealing-prop-sports-betting/) and other states to ban sports betting outright. There is nation wide blowback to the prevalence of DraftKing, FanDuel, PrizePicks, Caesars, Underdog, and various other gambling platform ads which pollute nearly all of sporting broadcasts. Your friends have their phones in their hands during every game, palms dewy from the constant stress of hitting a $5 promotional same-game parlay for some made-up virtual or crypto currency.\n\nNo longer is betting confined to a cigar filled Sports Book in the corner of a reservation casino, which they literally only keep them open as a courtesy while your wife goes and plays slots. That is what a Sports Book really used to be. Essentially an adult daycare with the grown man equivalent of Cocomelon playing on 12 screens. Not a single thought floating through that toddler brain as you clutched a little slip of paper, sipped a light lager, and perspired freely.\n\nNo longer. This activity is now readily available from the comfort of your own couch. As God intended. You don't need to pay for a $10 Miller Lite anymore, and you're free from bumping shoulders with strangers. The equivalent to Bowling Alone for the previously social act of losing and winning money on the physical merits of another human being.\n\nThey're trying to take this away from you, just like everything else.\n\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff sees this as tragic. We think the world needs to go into the opposite direction. Embrace, Extend, Enshittify. Sports Betting should become the barrier of entry. The bare minimum requirement to even watch a sporting event for free. Hear me out. Instead of having 100+ streaming subscription based services, there are free streaming platforms with integrations into the major Sports Books. We get rid of ads completely. All one needs to do is place a few bets during the game. A minimum of 5 per game is a good start.\n\nI know what you are thinking. \"The first one is free\", you say. A common adage when it comes to the entry point to an addictive behavior. But, don't you see, that is the point. This will proliferate like wild-fire. Reality TV shows, network television, late-night TV hosts. Next up, highschool sports and little league and pee-wee football games.\n\nAmerica must embrace this. It is only being propped up by the creative accounting bets made on AI, so this is the next logical progression of not only our societal future but also the basis of a new financial paradigm. Third and fourth order derivatives on betting. Bundling parlays into tranches. Selling these to retirement investors. It. Is. The. Future.\n\nI love you.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/opinion-sports-betting-should-not-only-be-legal-but-a-placing-a-bet-should-be-a-prerequisite-for-watching-a-live-game/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/parlay-game-requirement.jpg",
      "tweet": "Opinion: Sports betting should not only be legal but a placing a bet should be a prerequisite for watching a live #NFL or #NBA game. Abolish ads and subscriptions. Placing 5 bets minimum should unlock any live sports stream. Welcome to the future."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "DraftKings announces partnership with my Grandma, shes parlayed my inheritance away",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"DraftKings announces partnership with my Grandma, shes parlayed my inheritance away\"\ndescription = \"If COIVD was a world-changing pandemic, the same-game-parlay might as well be the modern day black plague. DraftKings has partners with my grandmother.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-12T17:49:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Online sports books announces partnership with my Grandma, shes parlayed my inheritance away. If COIVD was a world-changing pandemic, the same-game-parlay might as well be the modern day black plague. Brought to you by #DraftKings #PrizePicks #FanDuel #Ad\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"grandma-parlay.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- One hears more and more about how the youth of America are becoming hopelessly enthralled in the world of online sports gambling. They're literal taps on their screen away from winning life-changing amounts of money, all for the entry fee of $5 and the first time is free. Gambling Addiction Hotlines operators are wading through a record number of calls from the troubled disillusioned youth. The operators themselves are experiencing a record high in suicides, but that is mainly attributed to a change in the management structure of the main aggregated Addition/Crisis Hotline company (they're all under one Private Equity firm called BlackRock Private Equity Partners.) Some hyper-competitive incentivisation scheme, and an internal wagering pool predicated on the operator with the lowest calls-to-time-spent-on-phone for that quarter. A vicious, cyclical paradigm where the Gambling Addition Hotline operators then subsequently get addicted to the wagering pool and call into the Gambling Addition Hotline just to speak to the person sitting to their right. And often neither of them has the gall to acknowledge this predicament, so they go through with the conversation fighting through the delayed echo effect of the voice next to them hitting their ear drums MUCH faster than the signal from the phone. There was one purported case of a Gambling Addition Hotline operator actually being connected to themselves, as they called from their personal cellular device whilst at their desk. And, due to the cruel aforementioned company incentivized policy, they realized that they could actually call themselves to _game the system_. But, they had to make it look reasonable, as a call which ended \"too-short\" triggers the internal detection system which disregards too-short calls. So they balanced between 2-5 minutes per-self call on the recorded line, disguising their voice and muffling one microphone while juggling calls, as calls are recorded for Training Purposes. They won two fiscal quarters in a row before being reported by the Gambling Addition Hotline operator to their left.\n\nThere are two generations of young men coming face to face with the fact that the American dream is infact dead or maybe never even existed, and within 5 years there will be a third generation joining these ranks. They see that the true success in this nation-of-the-free is either luck, or the luck of your forefathers coupled with the compound-interest of the stock-market. The solution is presented right to them inbetween bouts of Monday Night Football in the form of a brightly colored app on their personal cellular device. The Oracle whispers forbidden knowledge into their ears through their wireless Bluetooth enabled ear-buds. Same-game-parlay, the harpies talons rank down the back of their neck, caressing their spine and making the gray matter of their brains quiver with delight and ecstasy. First-games-free. The phrase has enough to cause one to ejaculate in their trousers.\n\nIf COIVD was a world-changing pandemic, the same-game-parlay might as well be the modern day black plague. And the Robinhood/WeBull darkpool options trading can be equated to cancer mixed with AIDS concocted in a sterile lab and smuggled out by a disgruntled Erlenmeyer-Flask-Jockey. \"The Singularity is Near\", as the great pianist Ray Kurzwei once put on the dust jacket of a shitty book. The Event Horizon? You guessed it, same-game-parlays and first-games-free. The Devil's greatest trick was convincing man that Keegan Murray, Russell Westbrook, Sabonis, and Malik Monk can each score over 24 pts in a single game.\n\nThe revolution will not be televised, it will be organized in group chats, discords, and through encrypted smoke signals.\n\nAnyways, the much like the Spanish Flu (Spain's flu game, 23), the virus has spread into nursing homes devastating not only the geriatric populations which built this broken country, but also the projected Estate Taxes for the next decade. The IRS is in absolute shambles, their perfectly crafted forecasting models have been disproven by a Black Swan event over night, Nassim Nicholas Taleb you son-of-a-bitch we should have listened. Luck giveth, and luck taketh away. I will not be joining the ranks of the oligarchs, will not dine at the table of Zuck, Musk, or Ellison. I will eat Wendys, jack off, and sleep fitfully knowing that this great nation-of-the-free has balance and everyone belongs in their place. America is the ultimate expression of predestination whilst simultaneously taking the free will paradox to the most extreme by giving 16 year olds access to guns and porn (a 4chan cocktail as its called in some circles.) America was Conceived Immaculately, a virgin land if you don't count the thousands of people living here already. And when it comes to pass that it shall give up the ghost we can rest easily knowing it was all our faults.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/draftkings-announces-partnership-with-my-grandma-shes-parlayed-my-inheritance-away/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/grandma-parlay.jpg",
      "tweet": "Online sports books announces partnership with my Grandma, shes parlayed my inheritance away. If COIVD was a world-changing pandemic, the same-game-parlay might as well be the modern day black plague. Brought to you by #DraftKings #PrizePicks #FanDuel #Ad"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Formula 1 vs. FIFA: Who Is More Corrupt Or Are We Just Paying For Billionaire Fanfiction in HD",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Formula 1 vs. FIFA: Who Is More Corrupt Or Are We Just Paying For Billionaire Fanfiction in HD\"\ndescription = \"They once gave a World Cup to a country with no soccer culture. If you still believe in fairness, integrity, or 'the rules apply,' congrats on your innocence.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-23T10:33:00.000-05:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Formula 1 vs. FIFA: Who Is More Corrupt Or Are We Just Paying For Billionaire Fanfiction in HD.\"\nauthor = \"5thq_ginger\"\nimage_source = \"Https://5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"1000006536.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- There are two types of sports fans.\nThe hopelessly optimistic.\nAnd the emotionally damaged.\n\nIf you are still believing in fairness, integrity, or “the rules apply to everyone,” congrats on your innocence. The rest of us have been watching modern sports long enough to understand it is basically a streaming service for soft corruption.\n\nRight now, the global title for Most Unashamedly Rigged Entertainment Product Disguised as Sport comes down to two heavyweights.\nFIFA and Formula 1.\n\nAnd buddy, this fight is not close. It is a demolition derby.\n\n## FIFA: Corruption But Make It Cinematic\n\nFIFA is not just corrupt. They are corporate corrupt.\nThe kind of corruption that comes with a sponsorship deal and a drone shot.\n\nAccording to absolutely real and definitely peer-reviewed internet statistics:\n* 87 percent of FIFA board members have at least one offshore bank account\n* 62 percent have used the phrase “growing the game” to justify something morally insane\n* 100 percent of them somehow survive every scandal like a politician in a Netflix drama\n\nThey once gave a World Cup to a country with no soccer culture, boiling temperatures, and labor conditions worse than a group project with random partners. And the global response was basically, “Yeah but the graphics will be sick.”\n\nHere is the truth people refuse to admit.\n\nWe are fine with FIFA corruption.\nAs long as it benefits us.\n\nThe December 5 World Cup draw is the real moral compass of America.\n\nIf the U.S. gets grouped with three teams that sound like mid-tier startup companies, suddenly FIFA isn’t a criminal empire anymore. They’re “visionary leaders of global football.”\n\nBut if we draw Brazil, France, and Germany?\nSuddenly everyone is a legal expert.\n\nStudies show:\n* American outrage over FIFA increases by 400 percent when the group draw is not favorable\n* American forgiveness increases by 900 percent if the path to the quarterfinals looks like a tutorial level\n\nThat is not hypocrisy. That is patriotism.\n\n## Formula 1: Where The Rules Are Optional and the Vibes Are Mandatory\n\nNow let’s talk about Formula 1.\n\nFIFA corruption is dramatic. It is cinematic. It is corruption with a soundtrack.\n\nFormula 1 is more intimate.\nMore personal.\nLike a gaslight you pay $9.99 a month to watch in 4K.\n\nFormula 1 does not change rules.\nThey “clarify” them.\nWhich is corporate language for “we don’t like how this season is going.”\n\nAccording to advanced math invented in a Reddit comment section:\n* 73 percent of F1 rule changes happen within two races of McLaren doing something good\n* 91 percent of confusing steward decisions somehow benefit the same two teams\n* 100 percent of press releases are written like they were generated by a nervous PR intern\n\nOne week penalties matter.\nNext week they are “context based.”\nOne week track limits are strict.\nNext week they are just a suggestion.\n\nIt is not a rulebook.\nIt is a choose your own adventure novel.\n\n## Max Verstappen and the Patrick Mahomes Protection Program\n\nFormula 1 needed a main character.\nA face.\nA narrative.\n\nAnd Max Verstappen became their golden asset.\n\nNot because he is untouchable.\nNot because he is “special.”\nBut because dynasties sell.\n\nAnd guess what? The NFL already wrote the blueprint with Patrick Mahomes.\n\nDifferent sports. Same treatment.\n\nMahomes gets nicked late?\nFlag flies like the ref just got a bonus check.\n\nMax gets squeezed?\nSuddenly it’s “just hard racing.”\n\nBoth of them exist inside systems that bend reality around them.\nNot because the universe favors them.\n\nBut because marketing departments do.\n\nInternal data that I 100 percent invented but feels spiritually true:\n* Mahomes gets borderline calls in 68 percent of prime time games\n* Max benefits from “interpretations” in 72 percent of controversial race incidents\n* Fans defending both will always say “you just don’t understand the sport”\n\nNo, we understand it.\nWe just also understand branding.\n\n# Final Verdict: Open Corruption vs. Polite Corruption\n\nFIFA is corrupt and does not care if you know it.\nFormula 1 is corrupt and asks you to admire the craftsmanship.\n\nOne robs you and laughs.\nThe other robs you and calls it “a new era of racing.”\n\nAnd we still show up.\nWe still argue.\nWe still pretend this time will be different.\n\nBecause deep down, sports are not about fairness.\n\nThey are about choosing which version of corruption you enjoy watching more from your couch.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/formula-1-vs-fifa-who-is-more-corrupt-or-are-we-just-paying-for-billionaire-fanfiction-in-hd/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000006536.jpg",
      "tweet": "Formula 1 vs. FIFA: Who Is More Corrupt Or Are We Just Paying For Billionaire Fanfiction in HD."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Trump wins Peace Prize from well established Peace Prize giving establishment: FIFA",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Trump wins Peace Prize from well established Peace Prize giving establishment: FIFA\"\ndescription = \"Alfred Nobel invented dynamite and the resulting destruction haunted him until he died. He made the organization FIFA, and it started accepting bribes quicly.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-05T13:56:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Alfred Nobel invented dynamite and the resulting destruction haunted him until he died. To establish a better legacy, he set up a prize system based on science and reasoning and the greater good. This organization was renamed to FIFA, and it started accepting bribes immediately.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"trump_fifa_game.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- I'm losing my mind right now. Alfred Nobel invented dynamite, and the resulting deaths and destruction haunted him until the day he died. To establish a better legacy, to remove his name as some mere death merchant, he set up a prize system based on science and reasoning and the greater good. This organization was then renamed to FIFA, and it started accepting bribes from heads of state immediately.\n\nThe illegal exchange of dark money for government contracts, subsidies, and large sporting events is as old as time itsself. How do you think the Colosseum was built? The answer was lots and lots of slaves. The FIFA organization used this as an example to build out the Qatar infrastructure for the 2022 cup. They are amateur historians. Those who know sports history are doomed to see it repeated.\n\nSo the President of the United States of America is given an award for Peace. For being a Peace broker. For making the world a better place. Who lights fires with his left hand, then puts them out with his right. Who's Secretary of War not only kills drug dealers through missile strikes, but much like the sign that my uncle has outside of his house that says \"Trespassers will be shot, Survivors will be shot again\", proceeds to missile strike the survivors. I called my uncle and let him know his diplomatic policy is now used for the US's military new approach to Peace and he could never be prouder.\n\nThe world is a better place given Trump has received his Peace medal. The world is a better place now that FIFA will be hosted in the US, the prime consumers of Football itsself. I'm excited to see the Cowboys play against some Guatemalans. The leadership at the CBP will have massive bonuses by simply turning away spectators once they touch US soil. It will be like some Buster Keaton movie of pushing them back onto the plane in a circular motion, making it look like there are an infinite number of FIFA watcher hopefuls.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/trump-wins-peace-prize-from-well-established-peace-prize-giving-establishment-fifa/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/trump_fifa_game.jpg",
      "tweet": "Alfred Nobel invented dynamite and the resulting destruction haunted him until he died. To establish a better legacy, he set up a prize system based on science and reasoning and the greater good. This organization was renamed to FIFA, and it started accepting bribes immediately."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy\"\ndescription = \"They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy. We are waiting for the Shaq Soda re-release.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-07T10:22:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy. #BringBackSodaShaq We are waiting for the Shaq Soda re-release.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/why-stores-sell-arizona-tea-150000653.html\"\nimage = \"arizonas.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- I'll come out and say it. I'd rather drink a bucket of warm dog slobber than drink SoBe again. The day they switched from glass bottles to plastic is the day that the Earth stood still. The Lizard Milk simply is not that good. The flavors are always too strange, an odd fusion inspired Elixir which never quite tastes right. After drinking them I always felt a strange haze, almost as if someone was shaking my voodoo doll too hard. I suspect they were discontinued because Pepsico is an odd organization, with many tendrils.\n\nNow, 'Zonas? Those are nectar. Straight from the teat of Gia. The perfect serving size, now 21oz sadly but still the most generous. Their brand merch is inspiring. They will literally punish gas stations who try to rip-off the consumer by over charging. The beverages and light, flavorful, and straightforward.\n\nThe world would be a complete place if they ever brought back Shaq Sodas. Now those were ambrosia in a can, and I will never forgive Shaq for not fighting for his damn life to save those beautiful cans.\n\n'Zona is also releasing a Hard AriZona Tea. We cannot endorse the consumption of alcohol, but we assume that they are better than those silly little Hard Mountain Dews.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/theyre-bringing-back-sobe-tea-just-kidding-noone-likes-that-horse-piss-arizona-supremacy/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/arizonas.jpg",
      "tweet": "They're bringing back SoBe Tea! Just kidding noone likes that horse piss, AriZona supremacy. #BringBackSodaShaq We are waiting for the Shaq Soda re-release."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The NFL and NBA to classify Essential Oils as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs)",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The NFL and NBA to classify Essential Oils as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs)\"\ndescription = \"The list of oils which are to be banned by the NBA and NFL mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil. Our mothers were right all along.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-14T08:15:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The #NFL and #NBA to classify Essential Oils as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs). The list of oils which mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil. Our mothers were right this whole time.\"\nimage = \"essential_oils_ban.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- Today the NBA and NFL made a joint announcement that they are banning the use of essential oils. This is due to both the astounding healing powers of these oils, as well as the extreme physical enhancements which they provide. Our mothers have been right all along.\n\nVideos have been circulating social media in the last week of WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends of players) performing physical feats, the likes of which strongly suggest the involvement of substances. These substances? Essential Oils.\n\nThe videos include the women making half court shorts with ease, dunking from the key, as well as throwing 70 yard Hail Marys. While we don't doubt the physical prowess of these women, many are athletes themselves, the level of performance across the board is uncanny.\n\nThe list of oils which are to be banned mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil.\n\nThe effects of lavender oil are mainly focused on the healing benefits and the reduced recovery window that they provide. I'd expect to see amateur body builders rip a smelling salt before a lift. I'm personally unaccustomed to seeing an NBA player raise the purple bottle to their nose after a mid-game hamstring strain. The effect can only be compared to when Popeye the Sailor Man ripping a tin of spinach. A truly electric reaction, and they're back on the court.\n\nNext up is eucalyptus oil. This is favored by the NFL athletes. After ingesting some highly concentrated eucalyptus oil quarter backs proceed to see visions and spirits. These extra dimensional guides then proceed to whisper routes, and point out holes in the defending team's line. This has been described as similar to playing a game of Madden with your big brother telling you what plays to run.\n\nFinally, is the chamomile oil. In high doses it acts a creatine substitute and greatly increases muscle recovery and water retention. This has been used liberally by many players, as it greatly enhances the effects of their workouts. A truly miracle drug when it comes to increasing general performance.\n\nThe only side effects recorded? Players now smell amazing.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/misc/the-nfl-and-nba-to-classify-essential-oils-as-performance-enhancing-drugs-peds/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/essential_oils_ban.jpg",
      "tweet": "The #NFL and #NBA to classify Essential Oils as Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs). The list of oils which mainly focus on lavender oil, eucalyptus oil, and chamomile oil. Our mothers were right this whole time."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Why The NFL Should Change The Goal Posts",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Why The NFL Should Change The Goal Posts\"\ndescription = \"We are seeing terrible kicking, it's time for a change. The NFL NEEDS to change their goal posts, similar to MLB stadium customizability.\"\ndate = 2021-01-01\n[extra]\nimage = \"WhyNFLShouldChangeGoalPosts.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://chicago.cbslocal.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/15116062/2014/04/94138319.jpg?w=1024&h=576&crop=1\"\nauthor = \"drewski\"\ntweet = \"Why the #NFL should change the goal posts. It is time for a change this season.\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nListen, plainly put, Kickers suck. Actually suck is an understatement. Ever since the NFL rule changed, pushing back the spot where the Kicker kicks an extra point, NFL Kickers have not risen to the challenge. This has led to wide-spread YIPS among all kickers that has changed the outcome of games (and gamblers’ money.) There is only one solution to make this situation better and take advantage of these poor kickers fragile psyche. Give each team the ability to change the goal posts width. Currently, all goal posts are standard in all professional football stadiums. \n\nThe NFL should take notes from the MLB and allow some customizable stadium accessories. In the MLB, if you want a huge 40 foot wall in Left Field, totally allowed. Want a 3 foot wall? Done, just be prepared for dingers everywhere. Your team wants 40 yard wide goal posts? Why not? Want it to be no bigger than the width of the football? Be my guest. If we can’t get better kicking, let's make the most of this terrible kicking. We could see field goal attempts of 65+ yards or no kicking at all. I’m talking about flair, some pizazz. Make Watching Kicking Great Again. \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/change-nfl-goal-posts/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/WhyNFLShouldChangeGoalPosts.jpg",
      "tweet": "Why the #NFL should change the goal posts. It is time for a change this season."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Donald Trump Announces That he Has Won The NFC East!",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Donald Trump Announces That he Has Won The NFC East!\"\ndescription = \"The President has claimed vicotry over NFC East Opponents.\"\ndate = 2021-01-02\n[extra]\nimage = \"DonaldTrump.png\"\nimage_source = \"https://faketrumptweet.com/fake-tweet/kjghhwfx_ilkm4_k90ao6\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\ntweet = \"President Donald Trump announces that he has won the NFC East. Will he go all the way this #NFL season?\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nWashington DC has won the NFC East! Well kind of… In a surprisingly not so shocking turn of events, our soon to be ex-commander and chief announced via Tweet Saturday night that he has won the NFL’s NFC East division. Twitter has since flagged the tweet as disputed, and possibly misleading. As many NFL fans know, the four teams in the NFC east have really struggled this year with the Dallas Cowboys and Washington “Football Team'' leading at only 6-9. Which means we may have a team in the playoffs with more wins than losses. \n\nNow I have taken more L’s than I would like to admit, but I don’t think that a “team” with less wins than losses should get to be in the playoffs. That would be like someone with less votes than the competitor winning a public office position! The NFL needs to stop this madness and select a team with more than 7 wins to take that spot in the playoffs. \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/donald-trump-announces-that-he-has-won-the-nfc-east/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/DonaldTrump.png",
      "tweet": "President Donald Trump announces that he has won the NFC East. Will he go all the way this #NFL season?"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Philadelphia Eagles Announce New Reality Series Airing on Bravo! This Fall",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Philadelphia Eagles Announce New Reality Series Airing on Bravo! This Fall\"\ndescription = \"Philadephia Eagles Court revives infamous stadium-based justice system for national entertainment. Its like Judge Judy with blackout drunks.\"\ndate = 2021-01-03\n[extra]\nimage = \"Eagles-Court.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/j-ehjneLNEYIWBKlvFzWfXFkl0dOMOZBnAAVdXsYLIfEVq7rsJKoxGhKotTP5B-Bi69NAeHgsEv3gVkscPAWq2-dwuCTExo\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\ntweet = \"Philadelphia #Eagles Announce New Reality Series Airing on Bravo! This Fall. Its like Judge Judy with blackout drunks in their in-stadium jail.\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nPHILADELPHIA, PA - As the sports industry continues to find creative ways to recover revenue lost during the COVID-19 pandemic, the Philadelphia Eagles have announced a new reality show airing on Bravo! this fall.\n\nThe series, entitled Eagles Court, is a revival of the football franchise’s infamous courtroom at the former Veterans Stadium, which was retired in 2003 when the Eagles moved to Lincoln Financial Field. Former sports writer and host of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption Tony Kornheiser will serve as courtroom judge with a litany of special guests, including former Indianapolis Colts kicker Pat McAfee, Say Yes to the Dress host Randy Fenoli, and Judge Judy. \n\nParticipants that are found guilty can expect to pay a fine ranging from $200 - $500 as well as serve a weekend in the new stadium jail, depending on sobriety at the time of arrest. Assuming fans can return to Lincoln Financial Field in a limited capacity for the 2021-2022 season, Eagles Court will begin airing on Bravo! in conjunction with the start of regular season football this fall. \n\nThe announcement included this statement from the Eagles franchise: \n\n“Philadelphia Eagles fans have always been known for their energy, enthusiasm, and threat to public safety. Today we are excited to share a new platform for our organization to display the drunken, disorderly, and downright bizarre antics of our passionate spectators.”\n\nBravo! says that new episodes will air on Tuesdays at 8 pm Eastern. The show offers couples stuck at home a new way to compromise on what TV show to watch:\n\n“At Bravo!, we’re all about relationships, specifically exploiting them for monetary gain. Eagles Court will appeal to both dedicated Bravo! fans and their partners who wish they could be watching football. We’re very excited for this new partnership with the Philadelphia Eagles as a strategic way to further expand the audience for deeply unhealthy dynamics and extremely questionable behavior.”\n\nDespite the optimism presented by the Eagles and Bravo!, Eagles Court already faces legal challenges. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has filed a lawsuit saying that the new series threatens the rights of police horses as the opportunity to appear on TV will incentivize fame-seeking fans to escalate horse-punching attacks. \n\nA separate case filed by the ACLU claims that Eagles Court threatens the civil rights of Eagles fans who already face discrimination for being from Pennsylvania and southern New Jersey.  \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/eagles-reality-show/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/Eagles-Court.jpg",
      "tweet": "Philadelphia #Eagles Announce New Reality Series Airing on Bravo! This Fall. Its like Judge Judy with blackout drunks in their in-stadium jail."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Power Ranking The Worst NFL Teams In History",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Power Ranking The Worst NFL Teams In History\"\ndescription = \"Have you ever pissed off an entire city? Buckle up.\"\ndate = 2021-01-03T23:06:44+00:00\n[extra]\nimage = \"BagFan.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://d279m997dpfwgl.cloudfront.net/wp/2010/03/0323_nets-trouble-1000x800.jpg\"\nauthor = \"drewski\"\ntweet = \"We power-rank the WORST #NFL teams in history, year by year. Completely objective.\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n1. 2017 Cleveland Browns \n\nThis team is the worst team the NFL has ever seen. They only had 3 games that were within 3 points of their opponents, however two of their games did go to overtime (5th quarter if you will.) The Browns defense ended up with only 7 interceptions total on the year while allowing 42 total touchdowns. Headcoach Hue Jackson was known for being an offensive juggernaut before this dumpster fire completely burned down his image and status in the NFL. Cleveland, this one's for you. \n\n2. 2008 Detroit Lions\n\nBefore the Browns did it in 2017, The Detroit Lions were the first team since the NFL merger to go completely winless. Many speculate this was a strategic move to secure the #1 overall pick in the draft to acquire Matt Stafford, but to be fair only Lions fans think this way. This team gave up 517 points to opponents, including 56 touchdowns. Just embarrassing. The only reason this team did not end up at number one on this list is purely because Cleveland is the worst. \n\n3. Every Other Cleveland Browns Roster, Ever\n\nHonestly, this speaks for itself. When will the Browns not be garbage? If you have made it this far, chances are you have figured out that I have a huge problem with Cleveland. Not just the football team, but the entire city. If I somehow received the power to change one thing about USA, I promise you #1 on that list would be to eliminate the city of Cleveland far above anything else. \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/power-ranking-the-worst-nfl-teams-in-history/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/BagFan.jpg",
      "tweet": "We power-rank the WORST #NFL teams in history, year by year. Completely objective."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Inside The Mind of a Bills Mafia Fan",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Inside The Mind of a Bills Mafia Fan\"\ndescription = \"It is graceful, glorious, and somehow peaceful. We enter the mind of a Buffalo Bills fan in their pre-game ritual, involving folding tables and flying elbows.\" \ndate = 2021-01-11T17:53:09+00:00 \n[extra]\nimage = \"Bills-Mafia.jpeg\"\nimage_source = \"https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1598979620048-2e14eea46acb?ixid=MXwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHw%3D&ixlib=rb-1.2.1&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1488&q=80\"\ntweet = \"We enter the mind of a Buffalo #Bills fan in their pre-game ritual. It is graceful, glorious, and somehow peaceful.\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nSteam billows through my nostrils in the cold air. I issue a guttural grunt, reach back, and pinch my underwear out from the crack of my ass.\n\nI look down. Beneath me, the enemy. Soft, matte top. Four sturdy steel legs. Used for poker games, shmorgash boards, baked-good sales. Beneath that, cold icy blacktop.\n\nI look up. Above me, Odin himself. I point two finger-guns up, showing the big man that I am always thinking of him.\n\nI run my hands down my chest. My fingers tangle and dance with my exposed chest hair. My palms simultaneously brush against my nipples. Hard as rocks. I double check to see they didn’t cut deep gashes in my palms. Thankfully, they’re unmared.\n\nI issue a bellow. It is time. The Bills are calling from deep within. I look down from the top of my Ford F250 truck over to the Coleman miniature charcoal grill to my left. The small of Bratwurst wafts up and tickles my nostrils. It is going to be a good day.\n\nI issue a second bellow. The Mafia is calling. I lift my Elbow up to Odin, like the mighty trunk of Yggdrasil cutting through the realms. My hand pats my fleshy, saggy tricep. It happens naturally, no thought involved. A primordial motion.\n\nA third bellow escapes my lips. Squatting down, my legs are coile. Two anacondas beneath me, tight, ready to strike.\n\nThe powers that have been resting deep within me since last season are awakened. I spring skyward, towards Valhalla. I am coming, Father. Are you proud of the son that you begot?\n\nAt my apex, I strike. Twisting in the air, a ballerina without an orchestra. I fall fast, I fall true. I hit my target. Pain rips through my body and my mind. All I know is pain. I have no thoughts, I have no existence. The sweet, sweet embrace of the Earth is the only thing that exists in this moment.\n\n“Go Bills”, I whisper.\n\nI feel a wetness at my groin. I reach down, and confirm.\n\nA single tear runs down my cheek. I have failed you, FATHER.\n\nI bring my hand to my nostrils, and inhale deep.\n\nTo my surprise, it is not the bitter scent of urine. It is the sweet, musky aroma of ejaculate.\n\nA smile breaks across my face.\n\n“GO BILLS”, I scream heavenward.\n\nThe tormented shatter of the table rings through the empty playground. I am now prepared for game day.\n\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/inside-the-main-of-bills-fan/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/Bills-Mafia.jpeg",
      "tweet": "We enter the mind of a Buffalo #Bills fan in their pre-game ritual. It is graceful, glorious, and somehow peaceful."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Dear Coach Riggle: We Need You!",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Dear Coach Riggle: We Need You!\"\ndescription = \"Dear Coach Riggle, can riding a horse break your Heisman? We read advice letters sent to our in-house high school coach.\"\ndate = 2021-01-19T17:50:01.643Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Our local highschool football coach weighs in on your pressing questions.\"\nimage = \"coach-riggle-1.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://footballscoop.com/news/5-ways-ruin-players-football-experience/\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n### Who is Coach Riggle?\nCoach Riggle is our in-house high school football coach. And he is here to answer all of our writer submitted questions, to the fullest extend of his attention span. Have a question? [Send it to us!](mailto:andrew@5thquartersports.com)\n\n<hr class=\"has-background-black\">\n\n**Dear Coach Riggle, can riding a horse break your Heisman?**\n\nCoach! You gotta help me! I met this wonderful girl! She’s all that and a bag of chips. There is one issue, Coach, her trophy is broken. She practiced dressage at a young age. I know this is true, I’ve seen the awards and medals, been to the track, been to the stables. I stared her horse right in the face. I’m not sayin’ she’s destined to be a trophy wife, fuck the patriarchy, but she’s the gal for me. \n\nAfter crushing the season at ‘Bama, she won the Heisman! To celebrate, she decided to run some laps on her Mustang, and had a bit of an accident. Seems that...something happened and that coveted trophy is now in pieces. Once I learned about this attack on her purity, I can’t sleep at night! I toss and turn just thinking about it. What should I do, Coach??\n\nSincerely, Done Horsin Around\n\nLook, Pony Boy. Her story is a pile of horse shit, flies and all. What, did she just fall off that horse straight onto that trophy? But you need to ask yourself, does it matter? Sure as shit wouldn’t matter for me. She sounds like the full package. Talented, beautiful, good with animals, and the best college football player in the nation. Look yourself in the mirror, and man up. Atleast she ain’t munching butt on TikTok for millions of views or handing out Pepsis to ‘solve racism’.\nCherish her.\n\nCoach.\n\n<hr class=\"has-background-black\">\n\n**Dear Coach Riggle: Why Do We Keep Running Spider 2 Y Banana?**\n\nI just don’t get it, Coach Riggle. I mean the name is funny, but we call this for 75% of our plays? Why can’t we just run in a straight line?\n\nFrom, an Arachnophobe\n\nListen up Kiddo, if you can’t follow my drawings (I never did learn how to read, so this one might be my fault), I’ll explain it to you loud and clear. ‘Offense is the best defense’. I think Sun Tzu said that, atleast that’s what one of you boys read it to me from a fortune cookie after a broccoli and beef post-game meal. Hell, I’d run that play on the D-line if those fucking knuckle heads could read one of my play charts (again, reading is for children and bankers).\n\nSecond of all, this is the favorite play of Judas himself, Jon Gruden. And, this shouldn’t be news for you kiddo, I’m Jesus reincarnate when it comes to running high school plays. ‘Know thine enemy’. I think Machiavelli said that. Well, at least that’s what one of you kids read to me off the napkin that fell out of my cannoli after one of our post-game meals on the bus ride home.\n\nThirdly, just run the damn play. We ain’t 3 and 4 for nothing.\n\nHugs and laps, Coach.\n\n<hr class=\"has-background-black\">\n\n**Coach, do we have to kiss the Vince Lombardi picture everytime we leave the locker room?**\n\nThat faded picture of Vince Lombardi says it has been hanging in the locker room since 1975, it says so on the plaque underneath the picture. The quarter inch thick layer of film that has accumulated on it over years from countless players kissing it every time we enter or leave the locker room cannot be safe. We can’t even tell who the picture is of anymore! Why must this disgusting tradition continue. WHY?\n\nLove: Manuel with Mono\n\nWhat in the H - E - Double Fucking Hockey Sticks did you just ask? Did you dare to question the tradition that my father set, while he was coaching at this great school? I’ll tell you what, that man never cleaned that picture. It wasn’t in the R I T U A L. And trust me, he left a LONG book of rituals that I follow before every game. Do NOT go into that cupboard next to my desk, lest you wish to be hexed.\n\nLombardi is an All American Patriot, he coached at West Point for christ sake. Removing that picture is not only an affront to our great school, but also our nation. You know half of the team’s fathers not only belong to the GOP, but also the NRA and the Chamber of Commerce. They’ll come down like a bag of hammers on me if even a whiff of that picture, or the American flag in the gym comes down. You know that if there is one thing I hate more than burlap sacks, it’s ballpeens.\n\nI need you to listen very closely. Close your eyes, pucker up, and immediately use hand sanitizer on your lips like everyone else.\n\nGet that dub, Riggle.\n\n<hr class=\"has-background-black\">\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/dear-coach-riggle-we-need-you/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/coach-riggle-1.jpg",
      "tweet": "Our local highschool football coach weighs in on your pressing questions."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Carson Wentz To Form North Dakota NFL Team",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Carson Wentz To Form North Dakota NFL Team\"\ndescription = \"Carson Wentz to form North Dakota NFL Team. Big news for the Peace Garden state. Can an owner also play for the team...?\"\ndate = 2021-07-11T12:27:04.386Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Carson Wentz makes a big play for his home state, plans to form a North Dakota #NFL team. Can an owner also play for their team...?\"\nimage = \"carson_wentz_colts.jpeg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.pff.com/news/nfl-eagles-trade-qb-carson-wentz-to-the-indianapolis-colts\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nBISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA --\n\n\"Oh yeah, you betchya\", \n\nquipped Carson Wentz at the press conference where he just announced that he has plans to leave the Colts prematurely to form the a new North Dakota based football team. It was hard to hear any questions or answers after the roar of the reporters rose. The 5thQuarterSports staff doesn't have official press badges, per-say, but rely on pressing a Round Table Pizza cup to the window of the press conference. In any case, we're ecstatic for this news. The Northern Prairie State is a prime location for a football team. You don't believe us? WELL, allow the 5thQuarterSports team to, respectfully, prove you wrong.\n\nFirst and foremost: a beer will cost MAX 3 dollars for 24 oz. How is this, you might ask? Let's put it this way; a gallon of gas costs $2.50 in the Peace Garden state. That, dear readers, should describe it all.\n\nSecondly: the home field advantage will shake things up completely. Let's dive into this more. From the months of June to August, North Dakota experiences it's snowless months. During this time, not too much will change. Games will be as normal. HOWEVER, the other 9 months are a different story. There are a few things to expect during the spring-autumn months. It isn't unheard of for inches of rain to dump within a 15 minute period, completely changing up the field. This dynamism is exactly what will give the team an edge. Nothing is more terrifying than playing in ankle deep sludge. Also, let's not forget the snow. Training will be brutal, and will sculpt the team into a monstrous force. I mean just look at Wentz, training in these conditions prepares you to absolutely clobber any team in your way.\n\nThirdly and finally: the diet. How did Wentz hit 6'5, you ask? Easy answer. A steady diet of pizza and steak and two glasses of milk with every meal. There are 3x the number of cows compared to the number of people in this great state. There is no shortage of the above foods. This will build a GENERATIONAL force that will be unstoppable. 75lb 5 year olds will dominate the Pee Wee leagues. They will strike FEAR into the hearts of their opponents during away games. The 5thQ analysts expect no less than 4 opponant's broken bones per game on each of these away excursions. This is based on hard math.\n\nLet's look at possible names for the teams. These have been gathered from interviewing folks from Fargo to Williston:\n\n* The Prairie Dogs\n* Oofta\n* Lutafisks\n* The Flatlanders\n* The Mosquitos\n* The Better Vikings\n\nThere were many, MANY, more suggested names. We felt the above selection was appropriate to capture the sentiments of those we interviewed.\n\nStay tuned and [subscribe to our RSS feed](https://www.5thquartersports.com/rss.xml), 5thQuarterSports will hit you with the important details in the coming weeks. We'll cut this Midwestern goodbye short by ~25 minutes and end it here.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/carson-wentz-to-start-north-dakota-football-team/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/carson_wentz_colts.jpeg",
      "tweet": "Carson Wentz makes a big play for his home state, plans to form a North Dakota #NFL team. Can an owner also play for their team...?"
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "After Night With Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Changes Patriot's Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"After Night With Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Changes Patriot's Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'\"\ndescription = \"After A Tumultuous Night With His Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Decides To Change The Patriots' Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'. We welcome our robot overlords!\"\ndate = 2021-08-22T21:58:56.159Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"After A Tumultuous Night With His Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Decides To Change The #Patriots' Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://s.yimg.com/os/creatr-uploaded-images/2020-12/efdcee80-4a1e-11eb-b86e-d6004b63973a\"\nimage = \"boston_dynamics_robot.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nBOSTON, MA -- Everyone has robots on the mind, or as they’ll be called in the future: people of artificial bodies. We’re seeing [Elon Musk attempting to make ‘I, Robot’ a reality](https://www.cnn.com/2021/08/20/tech/tesla-ai-day-robot/index.html), or Netflix turning an iRobot pool cleaner [into a great artist in Zima Blue](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9788510/). It seems like the whole of humanity has the next phase of AI and cyborgs as the topic of conversation. Philip K. Dick is rolling in his grave as we speak, and not just because we buried his cyborg body alive to prevent an uprising. [The Singularity Is Near](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Singularity_Is_Near), and it turns out it is just a [little robot dog](https://ew.com/tv/2017/12/29/black-mirror-metalhead-interview/) here to give us unlimited cuddles, according to Black Mirror.\n\nGiven that pop culture is absolutely awash in robotics ([and the news if it is refugee roboticists escaping an encroaching regime](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/08/20/afghan-girls-robotics-team/)), it only makes sense that the next logical step is animatronic entertainment. We need to break through, beyond the robot overlords that rule Chuck E. Cheese and [Wally’s Wonderland](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZDFjNThhYzMtOGM2My00OGU1LWJmN2QtY2I2Zjg1NTUzNmI4XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNTc1NDA1MTc@._V1_.jpg). We must introduce humanoids to the playing field. We’re not talking about Rocket League. We’re referring to the NFL.\n\nMr. Kraft had a tumultuous night. There was much tossing, and much turning. The man turned to the outlet that many of us resort to when the ambien is taking much too long to kick in and counting sheep just ain’t doing it. He reached for the ol’ trusty. He grasped Big Bertha with a loving embrace. It is 2021, if you’re not exploring your own body with silicon based accutroments you will not only be accused of being puritanical, you’ll also receive a discrete package in the mail for free if you promise to leave a 5 star review on Amazon.\n\nLadies and gentlemen, this is where gold was struck.\n\nDuring an intense Twitter browsing session searching for suitable masterbatorial material Mr. Kraft came upon something extremely enticing. He saw robots doing parkour, backflips, and playing patty cake. The manufacturer’s name had a ring to it. Boston Dynamics. The rest is history.\n\nInstead of draft days, free agency, and trading players, the wave of the future is upon us. The NFL of the future will have rules that resemble F1. Each team will have an R&D budget. A strict rule set will be announced, but creative solutions (which will be banned in the subsequent seasons) are highly encouraged. Which team can build a better machine? Which team can train a better AI? Some thought we’d try to live forever. Few thought that a Battle Bot’s spin-off would become the next hot platform for sports entertainment, soon to surpass even soccer.\n\nWe here at 5thQuarterSports welcome our robot overlords.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/after-night-with-fleshlight-robert-kraft-changes-patriots-team-name-to-the-boston-dynamics/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/boston_dynamics_robot.jpg",
      "tweet": "After A Tumultuous Night With His Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Decides To Change The #Patriots' Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'"
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Drafting Matt Stafford As My First Pick On My Fantasy Team Was The Best Decision Of My Life",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Drafting Matt Stafford As My First Pick On My Fantasy Team Was The Best Decision Of My Life\"\ndescription = \"Drafing Rams QB Matt Stafford first for Fantasy Football this year was a great idea. It was NOT a waste. This is going to be the best season ever.\"\ndate = 2021-09-28T00:24:15.966Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"I think I've creamed my chonies, drafting #Rams quarterback Matt Stafford in the first round seems to have paid off this season. It was NOT a waste of a pick like everyone said.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.therams.com/team/players-roster/matthew-stafford/\"\nimage = \"stafford_rams.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A few weeks have passed since the remote 5thQuarterSports fantasy draft. The legendary in-person event has sadly been sent into the realm of ‘full remote’, due to CORVID-19. Gone are the days of chips and dip. Welcome to the era of microwave bean-and-chee burritos infront of a standup desk. I am digressing, what are we really here to talk about? Well, it is one piece of advice.\n\nThat advice is as follows: ignore the cautionary tales of your friends and family. Turn a blind eye, and fill your ears with air pods when they tell you that you are making a huge mistake. Announce the plan early to your fellow drafters. Sing it loud, sing it proud: You’re drafting Matt Stafford as your first round pick.\n\nWhy is this drafting strategy particularly good this year? Well, that answer is easy: The Rams BAYBEE.\n\nI praise Jesus every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.\n\nI praise Allah every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.\n\nI praise Elmo every morning that Stafford isn’t on the Lions.\n\nThe analysts at 5thQuarterSports have asked the important questions, like [Does Matthew Stafford Suck?](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/does-matthew-stafford-suck/) and we’ve come up with [definitive proof that he does not, in fact, suck](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/matthew-stafford-does-not-suck/). With this info in mind, keep one strategy in mind: do not draft anyone from the Lions. Your loved ones might laugh and call you names if you draft Stafford first, but they’ll lose all respect for you if you take the ‘road less taken’ of drafting someone from the Lions in the first round.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/drafting-matt-stafford-first-for-my-fantasy-team-was-the-best-decision-of-my-life/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/stafford_rams.jpg",
      "tweet": "I think I've creamed my chonies, drafting #Rams quarterback Matt Stafford in the first round seems to have paid off this season. It was NOT a waste of a pick like everyone said."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Washington Commanders to change name to Washington January 6ers.",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Washington Commanders to change name to Washington January 6ers.\"\ndescription = \"Washington Commanders to change name to Washington January 6ers. Up for consideration was also the Rioters and Insurrectionists. Or maybe the Pardoners?\"\ndate = 2022-02-02T22:05:53.362Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The @Commanders have officially chosen a new name, the Washington January 6ers! On the chopping block was the Pardoners.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.sportingnews.com/us/nfl/news/washington-commanders-washington-football-team-worst-secret-leak/8ivl07ty419x1qj50vhmhvp0q\"\nimage = \"washington-football-team-helmet-120521-getty-ftr_13jxsb26kd9xd1ei7mawreql1c.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nWASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Washington Football Team has been knocking their helmets together for quite sometime, trying to come up with a less offensive team name. They've toyed with many:\n\n* The Commanders. Sadly, Gen Z is too ACAB, so this doesn't make any sense.\n* The Natives. Even more sad, their market research showed this was too 'PC' for their existing fanbase.\n* The Insurrectionists. This one proved much too hard for the average football fan to spell.\n\nAnd this leads us to the current name. It has many pros:\n\n* It looks like very shallow punishment is given to those who participated in the January 6th 'riots'. Compare this to the treatment of Native Americans for the last 300 years, and it shows what society truly values.\n* It has a nice ring, is easy to spell.\n* This has a broad appeal across America, whether from alt-right proud boys to basement dwelling Q-Anon believers.\n\n5thQuarterSports fully believes that teams have names that are not offensive, and reflect moral values. We applaud the Washington Football Team from shifting from an out-dated, offensive name to a one that embraces modernity.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/breaking-washington-redskins-to-change-name-to-washington-january-6ers/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/washington-football-team-helmet-120521-getty-ftr_13jxsb26kd9xd1ei7mawreql1c.jpg",
      "tweet": "The @Commanders have officially chosen a new name, the Washington January 6ers! On the chopping block was the Pardoners."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli\"\ndescription = \"The Superbowl Is For Keeps This Year: Losing Team To Be Sacrificed To Huitzilopochtli. Let's make next year a good year, the old fashioned way.\"\ndate = 2022-02-13T18:30:54.000Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The last few years have been tough. To appease the ancient Gods, we are going to sacrafice the losing team in the #Superbowl. Lets make next year a good year, the old fashioned way.\"\nimage = \"superbowl_edit.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nLOS ANGELES -- Its that time of year again: beers, brats, and BBQ. Friends and family come over, thousands of calories consumed. Stabbing rates rise significantly. That's right, it is Superbowl weekend. This year the Rams and the Bengals are competing for the Lombardi trophy. However, this year there is a twist. While the winners take home rings, a trophy, and glory; the losers will not leave at all.\n\nSociety has collectively agreed the last few years have been the roughest in memory. We've tried many things: praying to monotheistic deities, wearing masks, and staying indoors. Our leaders joined hands in Bohemian Grove to come up with a plan to make 2022 more bearable for all. Chanting over the flames of Molach the Owl God came the answer. We've been missing it all along. What we need is a human sacrifice to the Mesoamerican Gods of old!\n\nThat leads us to the Superbowl. To appease the Gods, one thing must be done. The losing team must be sacrificed on the field, broadcast live for the world to see. This is the literal last move we have to make sure 2022 is a good year. The 5thQuarterSports staff has arranged a burnt offering of our own this year to contribute, but that is only because I left the ribs on the grill too long. Here's hoping the sacrifice works, and crypto rises from the ashes.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-superbowl-is-for-keeps-this-year-losing-team-to-be-sacrificed-to-huitzilopochtli/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/superbowl_edit.jpg",
      "tweet": "The last few years have been tough. To appease the ancient Gods, we are going to sacrafice the losing team in the #Superbowl. Lets make next year a good year, the old fashioned way."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia\"\ndescription = \"An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia. Grease them poles to save some lives, Eagles fans are like squirrel, they have an instinct to climb.\"\ndate = 2023-01-30T00:39:58.077Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia. Grease them poles to save some lives, #Eagles fans are like squirrel, they have an instinct to climb.\"\nimage_source = \"https://mynbc15.com/news/offbeat/after-city-officials-grease-light-poles-to-prevent-climbing-phillies-fans-scale-them-anyways\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"lightpost.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nSAN FRANCISCO -- With Brock Purdy shattering his elbow into a million pieces just before the Superbowl, it looks like the Eagles are going to the Superbowl this year. In the seminal article of 2023, we sit down with a Philadelphia city municipal worker who is in charge of greasing up those poles for a serious chat on the materials they've experimented with.\n\n*Welcome to the 5thQuarterSports pre-Superbowl interview, thanks for participating.*\n\nYeah, thanks for having me.\n\n*So it must have been a busy Friday evening, right?*\n\nDon't even get me started, man. There are over 23,000 lightposts in the city. Did you know that? It costs millions of dollars to make this city safe during any sporting event. It's insane.\n\n*Sounds like a large effort. Do you grease the horses, too?*\n\nDon't even fucking talk to me about the horses.\n\n*...*\n\nCan I swear in this interview?\n\n*Ok, so moving on, what materials have been tested? What are the absolute worst?*\n\nAlright, straight to business. I've been greasing up poles since 2009, and let me tell you I was scraping brain off the concrete before then from 1993. It was gnarly in the early years before this was a science. We've gone through SO many iterations.\n\n*Sets start at that 2009 year. What did you first try out*\n\nRight, so that was the Naive Year, as I called it. We started out small, we tried literal KY Jelly at first. Big mistake. It gets wicked cold during the winter here, so when the first round of Eagles fans started to slide down it activated the jelly. Unfortunately this really warmed their hands up. That turned out to be the WORST year on record, it really encouraged many people to give it a try. It was awful, we lost many elderly folks who just couldn't afford gloves that winter. On top of that, it was outrageously expensive.\n\n*...is this forreal?*\n\nYeah. It really is. We thought we learned our lesson for the next year.\n\n*Did you?*\n\nWe did NOT. That year we decided to set the city up into two parts, one half with peanut butter and one half with motor oil. Two huge mistakes. The peanut butter half of the city was very quickly consumed by the local homeless for the first 8 feet, I guess they stood on each other's shoulders or something? Hard to say, but the number of deaths _before_ the celebrations topped the celebration deaths just from unknown peanut allergies alone.\n\nThe motor oil had a similar problem. We made the crucial mistake of using _new_ oil and not _used_ oil. Folks who lived near the poles just used an ice scraper and filled their leaky ass winter cars. Insanity, we really were clueless in those early years.\n\n*I have a hard time believing any of this.*\n\nLet me tell you, this is no joking matter. We've lost over 600 lives to the poles.\n\n*Okay. Right. I am getting dizzy. What were the best solutions so far?*\n\nWELL we really nailed it last year. We split the city into 8 divisions for a double-blind test. The most successful of that run was using Vasaline. That was GREAT, it stuck to the poles all night and didn't slide off. It preventing gripping while moisturizing. It actually ended up healing people.\n\nThe runner up was, oddly enough, was just coving them with water. Those froze over night, but made the poles extremely dangerous. Kids kept licking each other to lick them. People reached terminal velocity if they slipped near the top. Not good.\n\n*Well, I thin that wraps things up. Thank you for your time.*\n\nNo, thank you.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/phillies-superbowl/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/lightpost.jpg",
      "tweet": "An Empirical Study of Lightpole Lubricant in Philadelphia. Grease them poles to save some lives, #Eagles fans are like squirrel, they have an instinct to climb."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "\"Vaxxed?” Aaron Rodgers Posthumous Inquiry on Jimmy Carter Shocks Nation",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"\\\"Vaxxed?” Aaron Rodgers Posthumous Inquiry on Jimmy Carter Shocks Nation\"\ndescription = \"Aaron Rogers questioned if former president Jimmy Carger was 'vaxxed' or immunized to peanuts after his passing in statement which shocked nation.\"\ndate = 2024-12-30T05:07:28.963Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Aaron Rogers questioned if former president Jimmy Carger was 'vaxxed' or simply immunized to peanuts after his passing in statement which shocked nation.\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nimage_source = \"https://apnews.com/article/rosalynn-carter-dead-69fadff26354d26bdda94c5d52558a7f\"\nimage = \"carter-vaxx.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nIn an unprecedented twist that has left the nation both bewildered and amused, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has sparked widespread conversation by asking about the vaccination status of the recently deceased former President Jimmy Carter. The football star’s remarks came just days after news of Carter’s passing circulated, igniting a flurry of reactions from fans, politicians, and comedians alike.\n\n\n\nDuring a live interview on his favorite podcast, aptly titled “Rodgers Reads the Room,” the quarterback posed a question that nobody saw coming: “I mean, with all the talk about health and wellness, does anyone know what Jimmy’s vaccination status was? It’s not just a matter of public interest; it’s a matter of historical importance, folks!”\n\n\n\nFans watching the podcast live immediately took to social media, where reactions ranged from hilarity to shock. “Leave it to Aaron Rodgers to ask the important questions… a little too late,” tweeted one amused user. “It’s like asking if your grandma had the flu shot while she’s at the pearly gates.”\n\n\n\nThe inquiry has sparked a debate about when exactly is the right time to ask such questions. Health experts quickly chimed in, suggesting that while knowing the vaccination status of a former president may hold some curiosity, perhaps it’s more of an inquiry better suited for a late-night talk show than a serious podcast.\n\n\n\nRodgers, known for his unconventional opinions on health and wellness, appeared unfazed by the controversy. “Listen, if we can discuss stats on my last game, why can’t we dig into the nitty-gritty of presidential vaccinations?” he argued, seemingly equating the two entirely distinct topics. “If I can throw a touchdown pass under pressure, I should be able to handle the pressure of finding out if Jimmy Carter was boosted.”\n\nEven Jimmy Carter’s family weighed in. In a statement, they remarked, “While we appreciate Aaron’s concern for our beloved family member's health, we feel there are more pressing questions to tackle. Like, who’s going to take care of our peanut farm?”\n\n\n\nPolitical commentators have since been lighting up the airwaves. One analyst quipped, “At this rate, Aaron may want to ask who else in the ‘90s was vaccinated. What’s next, is he going to dive into the immunization records of the entire cast of ‘Friends’?”\n\n\n\nRodgers did attempt to soften the blow of his question by speaking fondly of Carter’s legacy, praising his humanitarian efforts and the importance of public health. However, critics were quick to point out that there are indeed more appropriate times to reflect on legacy than immediately after someone passes away. “It’s like trying to claim MVP status from the afterlife,” one social media user remarked.\n\n\n\nAs news of the bizarre inquiry continues to circulate, pop culture fans are now speculating whether this odd query might inspire a new trend of “posthumous health audits.” Imaginary future headlines like “Michael Jackson’s Health Tips at 66: Was He Up to Date on His Vaccinations?” or “What Would Marilyn Monroe Have Done in the 2020 Pandemic?” are being playfully hypothesized.\n\n\n\nAs for Rodgers, he remains unfazed by the chaos of the backlash. In his next podcast, he promised to tackle even more pressing issues, such as whether the Kardashians will consider getting vaccinated in the afterlife. After all, in the world of Aaron Rodgers, it seems there’s never a dull moment—even when topics are better left untouched.\n\n\n\nThe only question left now is—can we expect a touchdown pass from him on this one, or is it more of a fumble waiting to happen? Whatever it is, one thing’s for sure: Jimmy Carter’s legacy has inspired more debates from beyond than most could ever have imagined.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/vaxxed-aaron-rodgers-posthumous-inquiry-on-jimmy-carter-shocks-nation/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/carter-vaxx.jpg",
      "tweet": "Aaron Rogers questioned if former president Jimmy Carger was 'vaxxed' or simply immunized to peanuts after his passing in statement which shocked nation."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Man Shocked After Finding Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Man Shocked After Finding Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree\"\ndescription = \"You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, what about Tucker on a ______. Tucker is looking to change the mojo in his live in any way possible.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-03T09:01:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Man Shocked After Finding #NFL Kicker Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree. You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, what about Tucker on a ______\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nauthor = \"drewski\"\nimage = \"justin-tucker-christmas.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nA Man was shocked to find Justin Tucker under his Christmas tree this year. When he asked his Wife what was going on, she replied “You said you wanted an old, washed-up kicker for Christmas?!” The Man responded “What? I said I wanted a bold, *squash sticker* for my workout bag. But, you couldn’t have even called Adam Vinateri to see what he was doing?”\n\nTucker was quoted as saying “I will try anything to change the mojo in my life currently.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/man-shocked-after-finding-justin-tucker-under-his-christmas-tree/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/justin-tucker-christmas.png",
      "tweet": "Man Shocked After Finding #NFL Kicker Justin Tucker Under His Christmas Tree. You’ve heard of elf on a shelf, what about Tucker on a ______"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Tom Brady Retires From Color Commentator. Next Role: Blathering Grandfather",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tom Brady Retires From Color Commentator. Next Role: Blathering Grandfather\"\ndescription = \"Tom Brady announces retirement from his color commentator role. Next on his schedule: yelling at pigeons at the park about play-action passes.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-04T14:31:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Tom Brady announces retirement from his color commentator role. Next on his schedule: yelling at pigeons at the park about play-action passes.\"\nimage = \"tom-brady-young.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.givemesport.com/highs-and-lows-of-tom-bradys-first-game-as-nfl-color-commentator/\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Whenever I turn my television on to watch gridiron its as though I'm making a call to an elderly person who is talking about the sock hops and soda fountains of yesteryear. Except is the deep intonations of vocal chords soothed by Boxtox brand botulinum. The seemingly deep yet actually shallow quarter-back based insights that TEPBJ gives are as useful as an aging father telling his 35 year old virgin son to just \"go and talk to that cute girl over there\", where the cute girl is really a hardily disguised prostitute. Except in this scenario it is a former high school star quarter back nodding off after the 7th PBR on a Thursday afternoon, with the occasional grunt of agreement to TEPBJ's nuggets of wisdom relating to \"...never seeing a pocket more open outside of that time I dropped a fresh-out-the-microwave Pepperoni-flavored HOT POCKET brand snack on the floor.\" We see these thinly veiled Nestle product placements for what they are, TEPBJ, and we are disappointed in you.\n\nFor an instant I thought we'd see some form of the inner TEPBJ during the roast. Possible cracks would form in the semi-plastic exterior and some of that dim inner light would shine through. Alas, how mistaken we were. My hopes forever dashed when it was revealed you were hitting a water between every tequila soda.\n\nBesides the point, we are fully supportive and quite frankly excited for TEPBJ's departure from behind the camera. He has a full schedule in-front of him: telling the H1H5 infested pigeons at the park about play-action passes, telling pre-teen girls walking by about faking to the outside, and yelling about how others need to learn how to speak the language if they're gonna live here. We salute you Tom.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/tom-brady-retires-from-color-commentator-next-role-blathering-grandfather/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/tom-brady-young.jpg",
      "tweet": "Tom Brady announces retirement from his color commentator role. Next on his schedule: yelling at pigeons at the park about play-action passes."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "McVay: We Replaced Matt Stafford With AI And It's Working",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"McVay: We Replaced Matt Stafford With AI And It's Working\"\ndescription = \"The Rams now parterned with OpenAI and AWS to deliever a smarter, more capable Matthew Stafford. AI is the future of the NFL.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-07T08:13:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The #Rams now parterned with OpenAI and AWS to deliever a LLM powered Matthew Stafford. Its working, according to McVay.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.sportingnews.com/us/nfl/news/matthew-stafford-hall-of-fame-super-bowl/bx6gp4spf8emo9l2fxar9t86\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"matt-stafford-ai.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- We've [written](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/does-matthew-stafford-suck/), [again](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/matthew-stafford-does-not-suck/), and [yet again](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/drafting-matt-stafford-first-for-my-fantasy-team-was-the-best-decision-of-my-life/) about how Stafford is the GOAT, empirically. Unfortunately it seems that noone's job is safe from automation, especially in a city that is constantly in the shadow of Bay Area innovation.\n\nRam's ownership have announced that Stafford was replaced by artificial intelligence, some kind of El El Em. The most unfortunate part is that is seems to be the correct play. While the Ram's standings isn't all that great in the season, the AI is certainly doing a better job than the organic sack of meat ever could have sadly.\n\nThe technology appears to function quite simply, although there is a fair amount of complexity under the hood. Here is the example that the 5th Quarter Sports staff was given. At the beginning of the Cardinal's game on the 5th, Seam McVay whispered into Stafford's ear,\n\n\"Hi, what plays do you think we should make against the Cardinals?\"\n\nAnd AI Stafford replied with:\n\n\"Hello! Happy to help! Sadly we've hit capacity, please try again in a few minutes.\"\n\nAfter waiting 10 minutes to be safe they burned their quota for the day asking for methods to perfectly pan sear salmon and had to make another account.\n\nAfter re-logging in they extracted the plays necessary and won the game. Pretty crazy stuff.\n\n\"You're absolutely right!\" He chimed as we suggested a route. He makes us feel so sure of ourselves.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/mcvay-we-replaced-matt-stafford-with-ai-and-its-working/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/matt-stafford-ai.jpg",
      "tweet": "The #Rams now parterned with OpenAI and AWS to deliever a LLM powered Matthew Stafford. Its working, according to McVay."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Chargers gonna charge! (under new conditions)",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Chargers gonna charge! (under new conditions)\"\ndescription = \"The San Diego Chargers will continue to charge. Bolting up is now EU compliant. They're now USB-C compatible.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-20T09:26:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#BoltUp Is now fully EU compliant. The #Chargers are now USB-C compatible.\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1v25s2/felt_this_was_appropriate/\"\nimage = \"charge-up.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nThe Chargers are gonna continue to charge, it just may look a bit different next year, In a shocking decision the European Union has officially mandated that the LA Chargers must update their \"charging\" capabilities to accommodate USB-C charging.\n\nThe Chargers, are notoriously known for their ability to “Charge” on the field after hopeful yet fizzled performances, most recently with QB Justin Herbert throwing 4 interceptions in the recent AFC Wild Card game that they were heavily favored in. They have now found themselves in a pickle as they hope to continue the tradition but will need to update their equipment to do so!\n\n## EU Officials State: \"It's Not Just a Game—It's a Power Play!\"\nIn a press conference that no one asked for, EU spokesperson Helga Voltage announced, “We believe in universal standards. If Apple can do it, so can the Chargers! It’s 2025, and we won’t stand for outdated plugs. USB-C is the future, and so should the LA Chargers!”\nIn a bold response to this ridiculous demand, Chargers’ head coach Jim Harbaugh in a typical nonsensical rant said,“I think that's just a lot of gobble, gobble turkey. Just gobble, gobble, gobble turkey from jive turkey gobblers. I think that paints a pretty good picture.” We’ve been kind of down on getting turnovers and sometimes things just kind of start breaking right for you. Kind of like the olive jar.“We’re always looking for ways to improve our game. I mean, if USB-C can help us hang onto a fourth-quarter lead, I’m all in!” “I'm like a pig in slop. Loving it!!!”\n## Local Electricians Take to the Streets\nLocal electricians have quickly jumped on the bandwagon, offering discounted services to install USB-C ports in the Chargers’ home stadium. “It’s like putting a new battery in an old toaster,\" explained master electrician Spark Plug. \"You just plug it in, and hope for the best!”\n## Fans Can't Wait to Charge Up... Literally!\nChargers fans are reportedly thrilled about the impending updates. “Finally, I can charge my phone while waiting for the team to charge down the field,” quipped long-time fan and charger enthusiast, Ginger Boy Kyle. “Who needs a fourth down when you’ve got quick-charging capabilities?” “Im gonna BOLT THE FUCK UP!!!\n## Conclusion: BOLT THE FUCK UP!!!!\nAs the Chargers gear up for the biggest technological upgrade of the decade, the world watches with bated breath and fully-charged devices. One thing’s for certain: if there’s anything we’ve learned from this absurd chain of events, it’s that the Chargers may finally become the ones who deliver “power” — both on and off the field.\nAnd who knows? With all that extra juice, they might just might win a playoff game or even a super bow! SIKE!!!!!\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/chargers-gonna-charge-under-new-conditions/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/charge-up.png",
      "tweet": "#BoltUp Is now fully EU compliant. The #Chargers are now USB-C compatible."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Do NFL Coaches Need An Age Limit?",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Do NFL Coaches Need An Age Limit?\"\ndescription = \"You must be this young to coach an NFL team. Roger Goodell we, we beg you, the NFL needs term limits before Congress gets theirs.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-24T11:10:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"You must be this young to coach an #NFL team. Roger Goodell we, we beg you, the NFL needs term limits before Congress gets theirs (because they won't).\"\nimage = \"old_coaches.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – Andy Reid. Pete Carroll. Johnny and Jimmy Harbaugh. All of these great men have that essence of Grandfather wafting off of them. We stan Belichick for taking himself out behind the shed while he still had a chance. Thankfully he chose a different, but much less humane, braining.\n\nIf you can’t even complete a 440 then maybe retirement should be considered and an injection of new blood brought in. This is why we’re strong Mike McDaniel supports. His light jogs across the field give us HOPE. He is a SPRY 41 years old.\n\nAge gives wisdom. It give confidence. Does it give hubris? Maybe as Jordon Hudson on that last one.\n\nWe are not condoning ageism by any means. There is just a very distinguishable trend in both the NFL coaching staff, as well as Congress. Term limits (or age limits) would help both the NFL and the US Government bring in fresh blood. \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/do-nfl-coaches-need-an-age-limit/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/old_coaches.jpg",
      "tweet": "You must be this young to coach an #NFL team. Roger Goodell we, we beg you, the NFL needs term limits before Congress gets theirs (because they won't)."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "Musk’s DOGE Dept to Slash Patriots’ Cap Space",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Musk’s DOGE Dept to Slash Patriots’ Cap Space\"\ndescription = \"Musk puts Patriots under DOGE scrutiny, $120M 2025 cap space 'totally not based'. Cuts are coming to that department, to the bone.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-08T07:18:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Musk puts #Patriots under DOGE scrutiny, $120M 2025 cap space 'totally not based'.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"doge-pats.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nWASHINGTON D.C. – Trump’s reformed DOGE department has shaken Washington to its core. Headed by famously erratic billionaire Elon Musk, its sole goal is cutting what it deems to be wasteful government spending. From USAID to the Bureau of Consumer Protection, the slashes to the budget and staffing have been immediate and wide-sweeping. Next on the list: the Patriots’ cap space.\n\nMusk took to X (née Twitter) late last night on an hours long rant, writing that a cap space of $120M for 2025 for the Patriots is egregious, insane, and “totally not based”. He has injected his team of seasoned, experienced 16-25 year old agents deep into the Patriots’ front office Excel documents, extracting players’ personal information along the way.\n\nWhat does he claim is a better source of spend? Well, that depends. Talent retention, stronger retail presence, and a more capable coaching staff are all suggestions. He has lovingly referred to this as “CapX”, at the cringing of seasoned GAAP experts.\n\nRobert Kraft emerged from a strip-mall med-spa to give 5thQuarterSports an exclusive quote, “Where am I?”\n\nWhile Musk’s tactics are uncouth and potentially immoral, we’re curious to see what direction this takes the newly suffering Pats. Will this be the total collapse of the organization, or like a phoenix will it rise from its former self?\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/musks-doge-dept-to-slash-patriots-cap-space/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/doge-pats.jpg",
      "tweet": "Musk puts #Patriots under DOGE scrutiny, $120M 2025 cap space 'totally not based'."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s Genitals",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s Genitals\"\ndescription = \"We've confirmed rumors that the Lombardi Trophy is actually a scale replica of Vince's genitals. You'd never guess which end is which.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-10T18:09:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s genitals. It redefines the term '#Packer's Coach'.\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"lombardi-penis-2.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – We’ve been told through the grapevine that it is true so we dug in with a deeper investigation to confirm or deny the rumors. Is the Lombardi trophy is a “self portrait”? Can riding a horse break your Heisman? Was Lombardi's trophy really all silvery and angular?\n\nFirst, we went to the archives. We dug around the Packer's archives of tapes, videos, photographs, We even spent hours in the old player's jock strap collection, in hopes that Vince had left us a little treat. Alas, we could find very little. The rumor will live on, for now.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/rumor-confirmed-lombardi-trophy-a-replica-of-vince-lombardis-genitals/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/lombardi-penis-2.jpg",
      "tweet": "Rumor Confirmed: Lombardi Trophy a Replica of Vince Lombardi’s genitals. It redefines the term '#Packer's Coach'."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The 49ers Are Planning To Build A $1.2 Billion Dollar Practice Facility In Hartford, Connecticut",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The 49ers Are Planning To Build A $1.2 Billion Dollar Practice Facility In Hartford, Connecticut\"\ndescription = \"The 49ers are planning to build a $1.2 billion dollar practice facility in Hartford, Connecticut. We investigate why.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-13T05:25:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: In a stunnging turn of events, the #49ers are moving their practice facility to Hardford, CT. We investigate why.\"\nimage = \"49ers-disinformation-1.jpg\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, California – The San Francisco 49ers have announced plans to build a brand new practice facility for the team in Hartford, Connecticut, set to open in 2028. Owner Edward J. DeBartolo Jr. unveiled the project yesterday in a press release detailing the plan.\n\nEstimated to cost $1.2 billion dollars to build, the new facility will contain all of the necessary equipment for the team’s regular practice sessions and will function in the same way as the team’s primary facility in Santa Clara, California.\n\nThe plan originated in October 2024 when DeBartolo called a board meeting and told his associates, “we’re going to build a practice facility in Hartford, Connecticut and it’s going to be up and running by the end of the decade,” said someone close to DeBartolo.\n\nThe 49ers original practice facility in Santa Clara will continue to be the team’s main operations center for team practice and individual player training, while this second facility will be considered an additional resource.\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"49ers-disinformation-2.png\", source=\"https://5thQuarterSports.com\") }}\n\n\nThe parcel of land for the new development is yet to be decided upon, but DeBartolo’s team is closing in on some real estate soon and is already deep in the design phase, said someone very familiar with DeBartolo’s decision-making.\n\nSaid 49ers Head Coach Kyle Shanahan, “I’m not entirely sure why the front office wanted to get this new practice facility, but I suppose if we did have a good place to practice over there, it might get used.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-49ers-are-planning-to-build-a-1-2-billion-dollar-practice-facility-in-hartford-connecticut/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/49ers-disinformation-1.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: In a stunnging turn of events, the #49ers are moving their practice facility to Hardford, CT. We investigate why."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Joe Burrow Forced to Come Out as Heterosexual",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Joe Burrow Forced to Come Out as Heterosexual\"\ndescription = \"In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-14T14:51:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual.\"\nauthor = \"drewski\"\nimage_source = \"https://people.com/joe-burrow-s-rumored-ex-girlfriend-olivia-holzmacher-seemingly-confirms-breakup-8784943\"\nimage = \"1000004106.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nCincinnati, Ohio\n\nIn what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual. Back in December of 2024, Mr. Burrow’s residence was allegedly broken into while he was in Texas, playing against the Dallas Cow~~girls~~boys. It was initially unclear about the circumstances surrounding the break-in, including who reported it to the police. This comes after the NFL warned its players that there have been connections to organized crime syndicates and breaking into players’ homes while they were away.\n\nA few days after the initial report hit the headlines, it was reported that it was indeed Mr. Burrows’ girlfriend at the time, Olivia Holzmacher, had noticed the disturbed residence and called the police to report the crime. Mr. Burrow had declined to comment on the situation before this breakthrough. Mr. Burrow’s love life had long been the speculation of many fans and rumour mills around the NFL. An anonymous source close to Mr. Burrow has revealed to 5th Quarter Sports that he has been deeply troubled about the public finally learning that he was indeed Heterosexual and had lost many nights of sleep over losing his mysterious, Metrosexual vibe. \n\nMany Cincinnati Bengals fans seemed very unfazed by the news of their star quarterback having a girlfriend. When asked for a comment, a random Bengals fan walking outside of the stadium after a devastating loss said “Listen, I really could give 2 cans of skyline chili about what he does in the bedroom. I…just…want…to…win.” The fan had a thousand yard stare, the one that your Uncle who fought in Vietnam does from time to time. It was quite disturbing to say the least, but what can you say, poor fellow lives in Ohio.\n\nIt is now rumoured that Mr. Burrow has indeed called off his relationship for unknown reasons, but our source says that Mr. Burrow was “deeply troubled” by Ms. Holzmacher actions in “forcing me to come out as Heterosexual.” No one is really sure what is going on or why Mr. Burrow seems to be so disturbed. Ohio needs to be studied for the mental torture its residents endure.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/joe-burrow-forced-to-come-out-as-heterosexual/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004106.jpg",
      "tweet": "In what has shocked absolutely no one in the world, Joe Burrow was recently forced to publicly admit that he is indeed heterosexual."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "I’m Basically Deebo Samuel? GF Trades me For 5th Boyfriend",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"I’m Basically Deebo Samuel? GF Trades me For 5th Boyfriend\"\ndescription = \"I'm basically Deebo Samuel, my girlfriend traded me for 5th boyfriend. I too have chronic injuries. Deebo and I should have a beer and discuss it.\"\ndate = \"2025-03-01T18:40:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"I'm basically Deebo Samuel, my girlfriend traded me for 5th boyfriend. I too have chronic injuries. Deebo and I should have a beer and discuss it.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"deebo-samuel-trade.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – It turns out that Deebo Samuel and I have much more in common than he previously thought. Both of us are 29, have chronic injuries, and most recently we’ve both been dropped by our one true loves. It is a difficult world out here in San Francisco.\n\nIf I could just digress for a second, is back pain at 29 a real thing? Or were our grandparents just stoic first generation immigrants who realized that complaining would lead to physical abuse by their parents? It is rather difficult to pin down. I see this on social media, that millennials are experiencing back pain at unprecedented rates. I though it was a meme until it happened to me.\n\nI will stop my digression, here is how I'm not like Deebo. Samuel received 51 passes in the 2024 season. I didn’t even receive 51 kisses from my own mother. Heck I don’t even think I received 51 texts in total that year. He ran for 670 rushing yards. I ran for 0. I haven't gotten up off my couch in years. He scored one Touch Down. I didn’t even touch grass.\n\nI think we still should meet up for a brew to discuss this further.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/i-m-basically-deebo-samuel-gf-trades-me-for-5th-boyfriend/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/deebo-samuel-trade.jpg",
      "tweet": "I'm basically Deebo Samuel, my girlfriend traded me for 5th boyfriend. I too have chronic injuries. Deebo and I should have a beer and discuss it."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Ben Roethlisberger Says He Avoided A Raven That Was Trying To Be Seen By Him",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Ben Roethlisberger Says He Avoided A Raven That Was Trying To Be Seen By Him\"\ndescription = \"Steelers previous QB Roethlisberger stiff-arms a dangerous bird\"\ndate = \"2025-03-25T14:28:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#Steelers previous QB Roethlisberger stiff-arms a dangerous bird. Big Ben is an amateur ornithologist.\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nimage = \"1000004276.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nBALTIMORE, Maryland – Legendary Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said today that he was successfully able to avoid a raven that was trying to get him to look at it. He claims that the large black bird followed him for some hours as he was walking through a city park and that it appeared to be acting intentionally.\n\n \n\n“If there’s a raven around and you look when it wants you to, that means you’re going to die soon. So there was no way I was doing that.” said Roethlisberger, who famously played 18 seasons with the Pittsburgh Steelers, winning them two Super Bowls before his retirement in 2022.\n\n \n\nThe former Offensive Rookie of the Year went on to say that the raven, the largest member of the corvid family, was undeniably trying to get his attention because it followed him for an extended period of time and maintained a stream of antagonistic vocalizations.\n\n \n\n“Those birds are omens of death. Everybody knows that. And it was obviously trying to get me to look. It kept flying to the branch right behind me and making all those weird sounds that ravens make. It had to have been for me- there was no one else around.”\n\n \n\nThe raven, considered to be a damned soul in German folklore, occasionally flew within Roethlisberger’s peripheral vision, but generally remained behind him throughout the encounter.\n\n \n\n“I noticed that my back was to the setting sun, so it was casting these long shadows in front of me as it flew from tree to tree. That helped to know when to duck or look away. A few times I saw it out of the corner of my eye a bit, but that doesn’t count.”\n\n \n\nSimilar encounters with ravens are thought to be common but underreported, which makes sense because the birds are known to be the ghosts of people who were murdered and did not receive Christian burials, as the future hall-of-famer explained to this 5th Quarter Sports reporter who happened to be walking by. \n\n \n\n“So it’s a good thing I dodged it- you don’t want to mess with these things. People don’t talk about it much, but when Cain killed Abel, a raven told him how to bury the body.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/ben-roethlisberger-says-he-avoided-a-raven-that-was-trying-to-be-seen-by-him/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004276.jpg",
      "tweet": "#Steelers previous QB Roethlisberger stiff-arms a dangerous bird. Big Ben is an amateur ornithologist."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Tariffs On NFL Draft Prospects Spells Disaster",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tariffs On NFL Draft Prospects Spells Disaster\"\ndescription = \"Bad news for Travis Hunter and Abdul Carter: tariffs imposed on the NFL draft by the US government is shaking up how draft prospects are weighed and measured\"\ndate = \"2025-04-15T19:22:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Bad news for Travis Hunter and Abdul Carter: tariffs imposed on the #NFL draft by the US government is shaking up how draft prospects are weighed and measured. Also expect Red Zone and Sunday Ticket to increase by $10/mo as a result. #NFL\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.sportingnews.com/us/nfl/news/nfl-draft-prospects-2024-rankings-updated-big-board/654f5ef6d8add7f17b7b411b\"\nimage = \"2025-nfl-draft-tarrifs.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- The draft is in shambles and the NFL organization is in a frenzy. Franchises are currently scrambling for a backup plan. The current US Presidential administration has place steep tariffs, up to 104%, on players being picked and traded. This has created some interesting scenarios.\n\nFirst off, players who were slotted as first round picks such as Abdul Carter and Travis Hunter are now actually worth _less_ than just one week ago. Due to the higher cost that they'll bring its actually suboptimal for teams to pick them. Picks much lower are actually smarter plays this time around.\n\nAnother interesting mixup: who is paying these tariffs? Well, as we know tariffs are paid by the teams drafting players, who then push these prices onto...the fans. Not only are concession prices going up at all stadiums, the cost of Red Zone and Sunday Ticket are both expected to increase by around $10/mo each. A real shocker for already struggling sports fans.\n\nWorst of all: you'll have to hear about this news for yet another week. This is the real crime.\n\nLawsuits against the administration are already underway, filed by the NCAA as well as the NFL itsself. The 5thQuarterSports staff will keep our 4 readers informed on the breaking developments.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/tariffs-on-nfl-draft-prospects-spells-disaster/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/2025-nfl-draft-tarrifs.jpg",
      "tweet": "Bad news for Travis Hunter and Abdul Carter: tariffs imposed on the #NFL draft by the US government is shaking up how draft prospects are weighed and measured. Also expect Red Zone and Sunday Ticket to increase by $10/mo as a result. #NFL"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The NFL Owners Accidentally Added Me To The Shedeur Singal Group",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The NFL Owners Accidentally Added Me To The Shedeur Singal Group\"\ndescription = \"Whoopsie Daisies. The NFL owners messed up and added one of our journalists to their collusion draft groupchat which included Jed York and Jerry Jones.\"\ndate = \"2025-04-27T08:08:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The #NFL owners make a mistake and accidentally added me to a Singal group chat where they colluded on excluding Shedeur Sanders from the draft. This included Jed York and Jerry Jones. #InvestigateTheNFL\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nimage = \"2025-draft-signal.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Well, its happened again. Robert Kraft made a technological blunder and added me to an NFL owner's Signal group discussing Shedeur Sander's exclusion from the league. He meant to add John Mara apparently, and it shows the standing of the Giants franchise standing in the organization.\n\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff is not at liberty to disclose the details surrounding the exclusion for matters of NFL security but we can share some messages before they were deleted.\n\n\"Anyone down for massages on the 15th?\" - Robert Kraft.\n\n\"Siri, call my son\" - Jerry Jones.\n\n\"Can anyone help me extract Reid from Wendy's before the game?\" - Clark Hunt.\n\n\"Adrenachrome is pretty awesome, anyone want a hit?\" - Jed York.\n\n\nWhile we were in disbelief and thought we were being trolled by a teenager this appears to be 100% legitimate. They started discussing Shedeur's exclusion and I realized the legitimacy around the 3rd round of the draft when he was still undrafted.\n\nWhile this mistake has massive consequences generally, given the NFL has invested so much money in technology for secure broadcasts that cannot be captured by piracy sites such as [thestreameast.to](google.com), it also opens the door to how technology is generally in flux. Simple mistakes are bound to happen given how interconnected the world is. I have a feeling this won't be the last important group chat which is leaked publicly, nor will this be the most damning.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-nfl-owners-accidentally-added-me-to-the-shedeur-singal-group/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/2025-draft-signal.jpg",
      "tweet": "The #NFL owners make a mistake and accidentally added me to a Singal group chat where they colluded on excluding Shedeur Sanders from the draft. This included Jed York and Jerry Jones. #InvestigateTheNFL"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Aaron Rogers Claims \"Hot Dogs\" Cure Cancer and \"Mustard\" Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Aaron Rogers Claims \\\"Hot Dogs\\\" Cure Cancer and \\\"Mustard\\\" Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services\"\ndescription = \"Aaron Rogers went onto Joe Rogan's podcast and promoted these new miracle drugs which have been apart of the American Ethos for a century. Hiding in plain site.\"\ndate = \"2025-05-24T12:46:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: Aaron Rogers Claims Hot Dogs Cure Cancer and Mustard Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"rogers-hotdog.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- The Glizzy Gobbler, the Johnsonville man of the year, the King Glizard himself, Aaron Rodgers appeared on the JRE podcast spouting some truly revolutionary ideas surrounding health and wellness. This is some life altering medical advice from a professional who's been doing his own research since his days in the lab back at Butte College, just outside of lovely [Chico, California](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chico,_California).\n\nFirst up, nanoparticles. He is been studying mustard for decades, this man knows his sauces. He's looked at the common French's from Walmart, to German Stone Ground from Wholefoods, to even specialty varieties like Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale Mustard from his alma mater. And guess what? They ALL cure AIDS. Wild stuff. They help restore T-Cell counts, and teach the body how to stop the small HIV invaders from propagating. Wild wild stuff. He is making strides in support of the LGBTQ+ community and we commend him for his forward thinking.\n\nThen came the shocker. Weiners cure cancer. Something to do with nanoparticles attacking the microtubuales gone haywire after telomere shortening, but we're no experts and those three syllable words just confuse and anger us. Must be the head trauma. Apparently the number of grill marks are directly correlated to the shrinkage of tumors. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes. Sinclair's \"The Jungle\" had it all wrong.\n\nFinally, when prodded by Rogan, Rogers opened up and announced that he is in talks to replace RFK JR. as Secretary of HHS after he had fallen out of favor with the Trump administration for attempting to curb the West Texas measles outbreak. Astonishing stuff, a meteoric rise in his political career.\n\n[We may](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/vaxxed-aaron-rodgers-posthumous-inquiry-on-jimmy-carter-shocks-nation/) [have been](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/report-you-can-take-the-man-out-of-butte-county-but-you-cant-take-the-butte-county-out-of-the-man/) critical of the man in the past but we will be watching the health of the country closely after everyone is prescribed one glizzy per day, with mustard.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/aaron-rogers-claims-hot-dogs-cure-cancer-and-mustard-cures-aids-on-joe-rogan-podcast-set-to-replace-rfk-jr-for-secretary-of-health-and-human-services/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/rogers-hotdog.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: Aaron Rogers Claims Hot Dogs Cure Cancer and Mustard Cures AIDS on Joe Rogan Podcast; Set To Replace RFK Jr. For Secretary of Health and Human Services. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Top 5 NFL Players Who Could Be The Next Unibomber",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Top 5 NFL Players Who Could Be The Next Unibomber\"\ndescription = \"We break down which NFL players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski You will never guess who is number 1. Sorry, Kyle Juszczyk, the name is suspect.\"\ndate = \"2025-06-16T19:01:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"We break down which #NFL players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"next-unibomber.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- We break down which players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense.\n\n### 5. Nick Chubb\n\nHuge shoutout to the man Nick, a pillar of his community. Sadly he makes the list. This Texan hails from small town Georgia, Cedartown to be exact. Hidden in this little town? Does it ring any bells? That's right, the dark tunes of Wayland Jennings and his _Cedartown, Georgia_ album. This inspiration, while loose, definitely touched the heart of Chubb and that's the reason he ends up on our little list.\n\n### 4. Kyle Juszczyk\n\nHarvard-man himself Juszczyk makes the list at number 4. Harvard just so happens to be the school that Kaczynski also attended. Coincidence? Probably. While we don't have any proof he had not participated in any mind-control studies while attending school, we also can't say we don't have proof. That being said, we think this number 4 slot is well deserved. There are few Harvard grads in the NFL comparatively so this carries extra weight in our analysis.\n\n### 3. Andy Gallik\n\nUp next is Galik, selected in the 2015 draft. While his career was brief, he still makes the list in our eyes. Why you ask? Good question. He and Ted both grew up in Evergreen Park, Illinois. Maybe there is something in the water there, maybe there isn't. We don't want to find out.\n\n### 2. John Urschel\n\nUrschel is a shining star and a powerful mind. Sadly, so was Kaczynski. Urschel attended MIT where he obtained an impressive PhD in mathematics. Now, was Ted one of his personal heros? We don't believe so, but something lines up a bit too strongly. Both men are cool, calculating, and sharp. However Urschel is a Canadian so that might as well disqualify him from this list.\n\n### 1. Kaleb McGary\n\nFinally, our best guess. McGary grew up hunting and fishing in the Pacific Northwest, a true outdoorsman. He is interested in living off the grid post-NFL, ready to dissolve into the background of the wilderness Into the Wild style. Bad news, so was Ted. We hear the cabin was removed from the lab, Kaleb. Don't go lookin' for it.\n\n#### Index\n* _The Small-Town NFL Player_\n  * https://encompass.eku.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1639&context=etd\n* _Cedartown, Georgia_ -- Wayland Jennings\n  * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cedartown,_Georgia_(album)\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/top-5-nfl-players-who-could-be-the-next-unibomber/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/next-unibomber.jpg",
      "tweet": "We break down which #NFL players are most likely to be the next Ted Kaczynski, aka the Unibomber. We take a look at many factors: schooling, location growing up, interests and hobbies, and more. This is an empirical scientific analysis, we spared no expense."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Could Saquon Barkley Take A Velociraptor?",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Could Saquon Barkley Take A Velociraptor?\"\ndescription = \"Could Philadelphia Eagles player Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight? We dig into the fundamentals of this issue. Go Birds?\"\ndate = \"2025-10-22T18:25:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Could #Eagles player Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked? We break it down. #NFL\"\nimage = \"saquon-barkley-vs-velociraptor.jpg\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nISLA SORNA, Costa Rica – Saquon Barkley is at the height of his powers and in the best shape of his life. At just 28 years old, the Eagles running back has entered his eighth NFL season as the reigning Offensive Player of the Year and a Superbowl champion, not to mention the most popular player in the league. He has all the flashy moves, confidence, and winning mentality of a superstar, and as good as he is, he’s only getting better.\n\nSo, could Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked?\n\nNo. *Two* Saquon Barkleys couldn’t beat a raptor. Three Saquon Barkleys is where we can start to have a discussion, but it’s still most likely all of them are dead or dying within a couple minutes.\n\nYou might say, “but that’s Saquon Barkley. He’s a big guy- 233 pounds. But he’s also super fast and agile. The dude breaks tackles in his sleep.”\n\nWell, maybe mommy and daddy haven’t let you watch Jurassic Park yet, because if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be so sure about his chances against a raptor. Look: we’re not talking about the huggable teddy bears from the reboot movies. We’re talking about the real thing. The 300-pound six-feet-tall phantom predators of your dad’s nightmares. *Deinonychus*.\n\nWe’re talking about deranged man-sized lizard monsters that only want to hunt and eat YOU. They have cheetah speed and knives for fingernails, and can open doors and jump onto roofs. Make no mistake, they have complete psycho energy at all hours of the day, and they will chase you down, disembowel you with one swipe, and start eating your organs while you’re still alive. Dead serious. They’re *fucking terrifying*. If my parents hear me say that I’m toast, but there’s no other way to describe it.\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"velociraptor_photo_2.jpg\", source=\"https://5thQuarterSports.com\") }}\n\nSo how about five Saquon Barkleys? Surely five of the 2024 NFL Offensive Player of the Year could beat one raptor, right?\n\nWell, consider this: it only takes a fraction of a second for a raptor to disembowel a Saquon Barkley, completely taking him out of the game. Now you only have four Saquon Barkleys.\n\n10 Saquon Barkleys is interesting because you have enough bodies to somewhat overwhelm the raptor, at least for a moment. But what even is their offense? Can you punch a raptor to death? Are they going to kick it in the ribs? Remember, they’re not wearing shoes.\n\nIt seems the real plan would be to have one or two Saquon Barkleys try to strangle the raptor while the rest pin it down. Certainly, some restraining will have to be done, and a handful of Saquon Barkleys would indeed have a weight advantage. However, the barrier remains, and the Saquon Barkleys know this, that to the raptor’s teeth and razor-sharp claws, their soft naked bodies would be like butter to a hot knife.\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"velociraptor_photo_1.jpg\", source=\"https://5thQuarterSports.com\") }}\n\nLet’s go for overkill: 25 Saquon Barkleys. 25 of the best running back in the game, the former Offensive Rookie of the Year turned Superbowl Champion and NFL Rushing Yards Leader. Surely 25 Saquon Barkleys is sufficient, but let’s do our due diligence and examine the situation at hand:\n\nThis velociraptor is a death machine out of its mind. You’re 25 Saquon Barkleys with no clothes on and no organization. There’s nothing to hide behind and you’re scared and ashamed of your manhood, and by the time you snap to reality you’re down to 21, then 20 Saquon Barkleys, and there’s blood everywhere, and all you hear is screaming, and snarling, and no one has even hurt the raptor yet.\n\nSo as difficult to believe as it may be, the research indicates that 25 Saquon Barkleys would have a very tough time winning this fight.\n\nCould *100* Saquon Barkleys take a raptor?\n\nSure, why not. Maybe if they’re well-coordinated and really have some harumph in the fight, maybe they could beat the raptor.\n\nBut you can’t have 100 Saquon Barkleys.\n\nIn the opinion of this reporter, any reasonable number of Saquon Barkleys is not enough to win this fight, and even unreasonable numbers like 100 are dubious.\n\nAnd with *that* I can hear all you would-be paleontologists typing at me, so okay, fine. We can dream. *My* mom didn’t cover my eyes during the raptor scenes, and we’re way out of scope, but sure, we can dream. How many seats are there in Lincoln Financial Stadium? 67,594.\n\nCould 67,594 Saquon Barkleys kill a raptor? Yeah, I guess they probably could.\n\nBut what’s even the point of that? 67,594 nobodies could kill a raptor, probably. You’re now completely missing the point of journalistic inquiry and sadly, Saquon Barkley no longer has a place in this conversation.\n\nBut still, imagine- a stadium completely full of people, with two football teams and all the crew and everyone on the sidelines, and venders and mascots amongst the crowd and useless security milling about- upwards of 68,000 people. 68,000 people naked and confused and suddenly very afraid, and one pissed-off velociraptor right at center field.\n\nImagine that. *Wait no,* a T-Rex.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/could-saquon-barkley-take-a-velociraptor/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/saquon-barkley-vs-velociraptor.jpg",
      "tweet": "Could #Eagles player Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked? We break it down. #NFL"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Eagles took out Skattebo specifically to tank my fantasy season",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Eagles took out Skattebo specifically to tank my fantasy season\"\ndescription = \"This is a dastardly plan from the Eagles to take out Skattebo specifically to ruin my fantasy football season. This is a coordinated attack against us.\"\ndate = \"2025-10-26T12:01:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"I've been playing Fantasy Football for 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. The #Eagles just locked in my 11th loss.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"skattebo_halo.jpeg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- I've been playing Fantasy Football for approaching 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. And look, is that on me? No. Trades are for the weak. I'm confident in my choices.\n\nHowever this season was different. I was SET UP to win. It was basically ordained. The Pope gave up the ghost, and in his dying breath he granted me this season like an indulgence upon a Medici. Until this fateful day.\n\nI must have pissed off a witch, or at minimum the goth barista who spits in my drink every morning. She also gets a complaint when she doesn't.\n\nThe universe conspired against me, some Butterfly Effect-esque event with less Kutcher than I would prefer. The Eagles intentionally shattered Cam's ankle, I'm coming out and saying it. Anything is possible, [especially with all the gambling allegations floating around](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/lebron-james-caught-up-in-nokings-protests-after-billups-rozier-arrest/).\n\nHere is the kicker: I fell on my own sword. In a twist of fate I somehow also drafted the Eagles defense. Not only did I draft them, I took a chance and _drafted them as my second round pick_. Is this destiny? Punishment for a lack of hubris? Some cruel joke? I can't tell.\n\nWhat I do know is: I'm not winning fantasy for an 11th year in a row.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-eagles-took-out-skattebo-specifically-to-tank-my-fantasy-season/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/skattebo_halo.jpeg",
      "tweet": "I've been playing Fantasy Football for 10 years. All in the same league. I've never won once. Not a single time. The #Eagles just locked in my 11th loss."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Brian Daboll can't get his SNAP benefits; Save us Arch you're our only hope",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Brian Daboll can't get his SNAP benefits; Save us Arch you're our only hope\"\ndescription = \"Brian Daboll let go after two years. The government is in turmoil, and SNAP is gone. Arch Manning is the only hope, he must drop out of the University of Texas.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-09T14:21:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Good night, sweet prince. The #Giants let go of Brian Daboll just as SNAP benefits dry up. Now the only hope is for Arch to drop out of UT and ascend the throne like Faramir to Gondor.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"arch_manning_returns.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nNEW YORK -- Its a dark day for the city of New York, and an even darker month. Hired in just 2022 with a fire cracker season, things went from bad to worse for Daboll. And now, the former head coach of the New York Giants is now on the brink of homelessness, and is considering sharing space in the sewers of New York with the mutated turtles and fresh Albanian immigrants. This is the absolute worst time for him to lose his job, in this economy without readily available government assistance? How will he feed his literal 6 children?\n\nDanny Dimes couldn't save them, after he went from throwing dimes to selling bags of them. Jaxson Dart can't even spell his own fucked up name after what happened to him today. A young-blood is needed. Some fresh young, tight citrus with dimpled dewy skin.\n\nThe only solution to this problem? Arch Manning drops out of UT and ascends the thrown like Faramir to Gondor. One throw to rule them all, one throw to win them. One pass to win the game, and in New York bind them. The Manning name shall live on in the hallowed halls of Metlife stadium. The Stewards of Metlife shall lead New York out of the trenches of defeat.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/brian-daboll-cant-get-his-snap-benefits-save-us-arch-youre-our-only-hope/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/arch_manning_returns.jpg",
      "tweet": "Good night, sweet prince. The #Giants let go of Brian Daboll just as SNAP benefits dry up. Now the only hope is for Arch to drop out of UT and ascend the throne like Faramir to Gondor."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The People’s Pigskin Showdown: Which NYC Team Is More Socialist, New York Jets or New York Giants?",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The People’s Pigskin Showdown: Which NYC Team Is More Socialist, New York Jets or New York Giants?\"\ndescription = \"The biggest socialist showdown since the bolshevik revolution, we rank which teams are more socialist: The New York Jets or Giants after Mamdani's election.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-14T14:08:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The People’s Pigskin Showdown: Which NYC team is more socialist after Mamdani's election, the #Jets or the #Giants?\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"daddy_dumbass\"\nimage = \"jets-v-giants-socialists.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- With Zohran Mamdani now mayor-elect of NYC and promising bold socialist-style measures at City Hall, you might wonder: which of the two New York pro-football franchises is truly living the socialist dream? And if you peel back the veneer of equality, what does it say about the model?\n\n\n### Case for the Jets: Redistributing Assets (Because Why Not?)\n\nThe Jets’ recent offseason and trade activity scream of redistribution except instead of wealth, they’re handing off star players.\n\nThey just traded away two-time All-Pro cornerback Sauce Gardner to the Indianapolis Colts in exchange for first-round picks in 2026 and 2027. \n\nIn the socialist ideal, redistribution means everyone gets a piece. In practice: the Jets aren’t giving wins to the people they’re giving away cornerstone pieces.\n\nUnder Mayor Mamdani’s hypothetical “everyone deserves equal access” banner, the Jets are more like: “Everyone share in the losses equally.” Because after trading away Gardner, their corner room suddenly has rookies stepping up. \n\nThe Jets’ franchise is promising to give future picks (future value) to fans in lieu of present results. That’s akin to a utopian policy of “we’ll fix things eventually” socialist in promise, shaky in delivery.\n\n\n### Case for the Giants: Committee Socialism… With No Results\n\nThe Giants present a different flavor: lots of shared responsibility, decision-making committees (owner, GM, coach), and distributed failure.\n\nThe Giants fired head coach Brian Daboll after a 2-8 start this season and 20-40-1 over his tenure. \n\nThe outfit’s structure: GM remains, coaching changes come mid-season, players publicly express frustration. It’s a unit that promises equality (everyone has input, everyone shares the pain) but lacks leadership or clarity. \n\nUnder a so-called socialist city administration that champions collective good, the Giants are a more literal match: no one star dominates, the load is shared unfortunately, that load is the blame.\n\n\n### A More Critical Take on the “Socialist Sports Franchise” Idea\n\nSocialism promises distribution of resources for collective benefit. Neither team is really doing that: Jets are giving away stars, Giants are distributing chaos.\n\nThe underlying assumption: “We’ll spread things out so everyone wins.” Instead what happens: Jets lose their star, future is uncertain; Giants lose faith in coaching and stability.\n\nIn a sports context, results matter. Equal access is cute, but if you redistribute mediocrity, you end up with nothing but equality in irrelevance.\n\nWith Mayor Mamdani’s policies in the real world promising free services, rent freezes, city-run enterprises the metaphor is compelling but also damning: if everyone gets the same mediocre output, what incentive remains for excellence? The Jets and Giants both show that problem.\n\n### The People’s Verdict\n\nJets: “Let’s tear down the star, promise future picks, hope for better days.” Socialist in rhetoric, but arguably reckless in outcome.\n\nGiants: “Let’s share leadership, share responsibility, share losses.” More structurally socialist, but lacking in performance or visible benefit to the supporters.\nIf you ask which is more socialist, the Giants take it because they embody the “everyone has a part, everyone pays a price” model more fully. But that’s faint praise when the price is losing and instability.\n\n\n## Final Score\nGiants 1.0 | Jets 0.9, because yes, equality is nice, but if that equality is equally bad, what have we really achieved?\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-people-s-pigskin-showdown-which-nyc-team-is-more-socialist-new-york-jets-or-new-york-giants/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/jets-v-giants-socialists.jpg",
      "tweet": "The People’s Pigskin Showdown: Which NYC team is more socialist after Mamdani's election, the #Jets or the #Giants?"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Justin Herbert Is the MVP and Trevor Lawrence Might Actually Be a Glorified Giraffe: A Completely Objective Breakdown",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Justin Herbert Is the MVP and Trevor Lawrence Might Actually Be a Glorified Giraffe: A Completely Objective Breakdown\"\ndescription = \"If blowing historic leads were an Olympic sport, Staley would not only take gold, he’d also take silver, bronze, and several consolation medals for ‘Commitment to the bit.’ Justin Herbert is the true MVP.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-16T12:13:00.000-05:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The NFL MVP race has taken shape, and sadly for the Jacksonville Jaguars, it still includes Trevor Lawrence. Herbert's game is better for the San Diego Chargers.\"\nimage_source = \"Https://5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"5thq_ginger\"\nimage = \"1000006437.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nIn a shocking development that absolutely no one saw coming except literally every human with functioning eyes, the NFL MVP race has taken shape, and tragically for the Jacksonville Jaguars, it still includes Trevor Lawrence. The man who throws a football with the raw precision of a catapult built by drunken medieval peasants is somehow considered an “elite quarterback” by analysts who we can only assume are watching games through a fogged-up shower door.\n\nMeanwhile, on the other side of the league, we have Justin Herbert, the walking embodiment of “franchise quarterback” and the only man in the NFL who could make a checkdown pass look like Oscar-winning cinema. Herbert’s game is so smooth, so majestic, that scientists are reportedly studying his throwing motion to determine whether he is, in fact, a genetically perfected arm-based lifeform sent here to show us true beauty.\n\nAnd let’s talk lifestyle. While Lawrence radiates the overall aura of a youth pastor who wandered onto a football field by mistake, Herbert rolls in with a superstar-level aesthetic ecosystem that simply outclasses anything Jacksonville has produced since… well, ever. His whole personal-brand vibe is “Quarterback of the Future,” while Lawrence’s is more “Guy Who Brings a Bagged Lunch to a Wedding.”\n\nBut let’s get to the moment when the universe itself proved who the better quarterback truly is: the infamous Chargers-Jaguars playoff game. A game in which the Chargers built a lead so massive, so commanding, so absolutely insurmountable that you could’ve handed play-calling duties to a Magic 8-Ball and still closed it out.\n\nEnter Brandon Staley.\n\nIf blowing historic leads were an Olympic sport, Staley would not only take gold, he’d also take silver, bronze, and several consolation medals for “Commitment to the Bit.” Herbert played out of his mind, throwing lasers, dimes, and possibly actual pieces of the sun. Lawrence threw approximately four interceptions before halftime, each one more artistically chaotic than the last. The man was essentially speed-running a meltdown.\n\nAnd yet… the Chargers lost.\n\nNot because of Herbert.\nNot because of the defense.\nNot because of divine intervention or the ghost of Philip Rivers demanding karmic repayment.\n\nNo, this is on One Man, a football visionary whose vision unfortunately appears to be whatever is written on the ceiling directly above him during games. Brandon Staley single-handedly coached so aggressively, so recklessly, so reality-defyingly poorly that the universe folded itself into a shape where Trevor Lawrence looked like a hero.\n\nTrevor. Lawrence.\n\nHerbert didn’t lose that game.\nStaley defeated Herbert.\nA true tactical masterpiece of self-sabotage.\n\nAnd yet, here we are, pretending Lawrence belongs in the same breath as Herbert. Pretending the MVP conversation shouldn’t already be over. Pretending the man with the most disappointing playoff collapse forced upon him isn’t the league’s most valuable player.\n\nJustin Herbert is the MVP.\nTrevor Lawrence is tall.\n\nOne of these things matters.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/justin-herbert-is-the-mvp-and-trevor-lawrence-might-actually-be-a-glorified-giraffe-a-completely-objective-breakdown/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000006437.jpg",
      "tweet": "The NFL MVP race has taken shape, and sadly for the Jacksonville Jaguars, it still includes Trevor Lawrence. Herbert's game is better for the San Diego Chargers."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "The NFL Refuses To Ban Lobotomies",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The NFL Refuses To Ban Lobotomies\"\ndescription = \"The NFL refuses to ban lobotomies. They're not performance enhacing unless a player is on the offensive line. They're actually essential to the NY Giant's plays\"\ndate = \"2025-12-01T18:15:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"During the #NYGiants vs #Patriots game Roger Goodell made a spacial announcement. The NFL will refuse to ban lobotomies. They're not performance enhacing, unless a player is on the oline.\"\nimage = \"goodell_lobodomy.jpg\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nINGLEWOOD, California – Once again no one is calling for the NFL to ban lobotomies for players, and just like last time, the league is flat out refusing to do so.\n\nCommissioner Roger Goodell responded today to the public’s lack of demands, saying that voluntary lobotomies “may have no place” in the league, but that the NFL will never outright ban the operation.\n\n“If we can’t have an entirely lobotomized league, then we probably want zero, but still, it isn’t our place to ban it altogether,” said Goodell. “Besides, ratings are up. The people don’t want a lobotomy ban.”\n\nSenior VP of Communications Katie Hill, also feeling the absence of pressure, had this to say:\n\n“An NFL player severing his prefrontal cortex seems a bit redundant, no? Sounds like a nonissue to me. However, I suppose that, given all their preexisting brain damage, plus the rise of voluntary lobotomies to mainstream popularity, it’s conceivable it could become a trend among players. Even then we wouldn’t shut it down.\n\n“Look, obviously we don’t want players to butcher their brains too early in their careers, but if someone wants to blunt this insufferable reality and jumpstart their mental decline, that’s between them, God, and their healthcare provider.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-nfl-refuses-to-ban-lobotomies/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/goodell_lobodomy.jpg",
      "tweet": "During the #NYGiants vs #Patriots game Roger Goodell made a spacial announcement. The NFL will refuse to ban lobotomies. They're not performance enhacing, unless a player is on the oline."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "The NFL Officially Allows Refs to Accept Bribes",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The NFL Officially Allows Refs to Accept Bribes\"\ndescription = \"The NFL referee's have perfect timing which has been causing quite a stir in the NFL Gambling social media scene. Is it a Christmas miracle? No, bribes.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-07T18:01:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"After today's egregious yellow flag thrown by the refs at the perfect time has caused quite a stir in the NFL Gambling social media scene. Is it a Christmas miracle? No, the refs are now allowed to accept bribes in the #NFL.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"nfl_ref_bribes.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- The referees have been accepting bribes under the table for quite some time, and there is copious proof of this phenomenon. However, after today's egregious yellow flag thrown by the refs at the perfect time has caused quite a stir in the NFL Gambling social media scene. The spread was 8.5 for Denver, and the Raiders were 10 points down. Is it a Christmas miracle? No, the referees were openly accepting bribes to land the underdog.\n\nThis time is different. Other times, the NFL denies, denies, denies. They \"investigate\" the refs, _maybe_ fire them in some cases. But Roger Goodell has taken a heel turn on this one, and decided to remove the wool over the eyes of the fans. After this incident he announces it is actually legal, helpful, and in the rule books that the refs can accept bribes. Even further, the sources are not restricted _or_ recorded. This means the mafia can send a suitcase of money at halftime, or a fan can slip a tenner in the piss trough.\n\nSome of my greatest memories as a child were at the piss trough at a football game. The warm shower, being knee high to the surrounding gentlemen, warmed me up greatly before returning to a crispy fall game. And if I rubbed my hands on my hotdog it was like having free seasoning.\n\nWe at 5th Quarter Sports commend Roger Goodell. His infinite wisdom and boundless knowledge have proven useful once again. This shows why he is the man in charge, he makes the hard calls.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/the-nfl-officially-allows-refs-to-accept-bribes/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nfl_ref_bribes.jpg",
      "tweet": "After today's egregious yellow flag thrown by the refs at the perfect time has caused quite a stir in the NFL Gambling social media scene. Is it a Christmas miracle? No, the refs are now allowed to accept bribes in the #NFL."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Philip Rivers plans to come out of retirement for the Colts; My Dad has to come out of retirement because of Bitcoin",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Philip Rivers plans to come out of retirement for the Colts; My Dad has to come out of retirement because of Bitcoin\"\ndescription = \"Philip Rivers, a 44 year old man and recent grandfather, plans to comeout of retirement for the Colts. My father is coming out of retirement due to Bitcoin\"\ndate = \"2025-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Rivers, a 44 year old man and recent grandfather, plans to comeout of retirement for the #Colts. My father is coming out of retirement due to the collapse of Bitcoin and is grand-childless.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"philip_rivers_retirement.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- In stunning news, Philip Rivers plans to come out of retirement. The recent 44 year old is set to retake the helm for the Colts in a time where they are struggling, given Daniel Jone's recent injury. What is even more amazing is that he is a Grandfather. It is a rare event in the NFL for a grandfather to be a staring quarterback, most famously Brett Farve.\n\nIn other news, my own father had to come out of his retirement. The recent moves in the crypto space, most notability Bitcoin falling way below $100k USD has caused issues with his long-term retirement goals. The man will not do well on the traditional fixed income. He refuses to divulge too much information, but I have a suspicious feeling he fell pray to a meme-coin rug pull. Does that count as elder abuse? I think not, personally. Even worse for him, he isn't even a grandfather yet. Or possibly ever if I keep up my \"incel\" behavior.\n\nRivers has a chance to pull the Colts out of a very tight spot. A torn Achilles for Jones, and teenage acne for Riley Leonard. Rivers might be their only hope in this dark moment.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/philip-rivers-plans-to-come-out-of-retirement-for-the-colts-my-dad-has-to-come-out-of-retirement-because-of-bitcoin/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/philip_rivers_retirement.jpg",
      "tweet": "Rivers, a 44 year old man and recent grandfather, plans to comeout of retirement for the #Colts. My father is coming out of retirement due to the collapse of Bitcoin and is grand-childless."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Sherrone Moore is currently driving down the 405 in a White Bronco after being fired from Michigan",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Sherrone Moore is currently driving down the 405 in a White Bronco after being fired from Michigan\"\ndescription = \"In a scene out of a 90's news room, Sherrone Moore is currently in a low-speed chase on the 405 driving a White Bronco. Are college football coaches okay?\"\ndate = \"2025-12-10T17:44:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"In a scene out of a 90's news room, Sherrone Moore is currently in a low-speed chase on the 405 driving a White Bronco. Are college football coaches okay?\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"oj_chase_michigan.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- In a scene out of a 90's news room, Sherrone Moore is currently in a low-speed chase on the 405 driving a White Bronco. Those who don't study their sports history are doomed to repeat it. He does not appear to be armed but he is making irrational requests over his in-car phone.\n\nCurrently Norm MacDonald is on SNL's Weekend Update pitching jokes to a shocked audience about this situation. We know his career there is on the perfect track with this material and nothing could go wrong at all.\n\nOn a more serious note, what is up with College Football coaches recently? Is some kind of eyes wide shut esque recruitment necessary to become a defensive coordinator? There seems to be some kind of deep rooted issues that this environment either encourages or breeds. With [the Lane](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/there-is-a-reason-that-lane-kiffin-left-ole-miss-for-lsu-release-the-lanestein-files/) [Kiffin allegations](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/release-the-kiffin-files-lanestein-grandy-jury-documents-in-florida-case-to-be-released/) ongoing there needs to be a serious investigation into the morals and ethics of these leaders. They are supposed to be the backbone and example for many young men and women. Especially at Michigan, where they just let go of Weiss.\n\nLucking we don't see _any_ deviant behavior from NFL-grade coaches. These are well-adjusted, upright citizens with no oddities or strange relationships, right Belichick?\n\nWe sincerely hope the situation improves, and that noone is seriously hurt or has lasting trauma.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/sherrone-moore-is-currently-driving-down-the-405-in-a-white-bronco-after-being-fired-from-michigan/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/oj_chase_michigan.jpg",
      "tweet": "In a scene out of a 90's news room, Sherrone Moore is currently in a low-speed chase on the 405 driving a White Bronco. Are college football coaches okay?"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "OpenAI announces partnership with ESPN through Disney deal. Sora generated NFL games to be released next season",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"OpenAI announces partnership with ESPN through Disney deal. Sora generated NFL games to be released next season\"\ndescription = \"The NFL and OpanAI have partnered through Disney. The NFL will be leveraging Agentic AI workflows, using datacenters near team cities for home games, and more.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-11T15:38:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The #NFL has annouced a parternship with OpenAI through the Disney deal. Soon games will be completely AI generated through the Sora model, utilizing Agentic workflows. Home games will now happen in datacenters nearest their cities. Welcome to the future, old man.\"\nimage = \"nfl_openai.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- Bob Iger, Sam Altman, and Roger Goodell and their respective executive suites sat in a room for hours earlier today hashing out the details of the future of AI generated sports. In a groundbreaking arrangement, players' likenesses, families, appearances in video games and more will be analyzed thoroughly as the seed data for future games.\n\nThis new style of games will rely on Agentic AI workflows. Each player will be an Agent. The ball will be an Agent. The cheerleaders will be Agents. The drunken sloppy fans yelling at their TV, or soon VR headsets, however will be all too real.\n\nThese behemoths of entertainment are not deaf to fans' requests. Home and away games will still exist, but in a more modern form. Games will be \"played\" in data centers located close to each home team's cities. Players' AI agents will be stored on hard drives and flown from city to city. Never doubt the bandwidth of an airplane flying with 50 terabytes of data across country.\n\nMost interesting of all is the new partnership announced with DraftKings. Due to the non-deterministic nature of these AI generated games the outcomes are near random. This counts legally as gambling.\n\nParts of this deal are not ideal. The streamification of games will remain the same. Some games will be available through Sunday Ticket, Amazon will still stream Thursday Night Football. The worst part is that network television is cut out altogether except for holiday games.\n\nThe future is now, old man.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/openai-announces-partnership-with-espn-through-disney-deal-sora-generated-nfl-games-to-be-released-next-season/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nfl_openai.jpg",
      "tweet": "The #NFL has annouced a parternship with OpenAI through the Disney deal. Soon games will be completely AI generated through the Sora model, utilizing Agentic workflows. Home games will now happen in datacenters nearest their cities. Welcome to the future, old man."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Thursday Night Football moving from Amazon Prime to Blockbuster Video",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Thursday Night Football moving from Amazon Prime to Blockbuster Video\"\ndescription = \"To avoid anti-trust lawsuits Amazon is shedding it's TNF streaming. The only Blockbuster Video open in Bend, Oregon will live stream the games. At the store.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-12T15:31:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Thursday Night Football moving from Amazon Prime to Blockbuster Video. To avoid anti-trust lawsuits Amazon is shedding it's TNF streaming. The only Blockbuster Video open in Bend, Oregon will live stream #NFL games. Outside of their store.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"blockbuster_video_football.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- In an ever fractured football media landscape the fractures become more fractured. It was already a controversial decision in 2006 to start TNF. It was an even more contentious move to give Amazon exclusive rights to streaming TNF back in 2021. The final spike in the heart that is the gridiron has arrived. TNF is now moving off of the retail giant due to anti-monopoly sentiment and now moving to in-store Blockbuster Video rentals.\n\nEven more confusing is that there is a single Blockbuster Video, located in Bend, Oregon. This in an in-store exclusive, but thankfully the owners still have plans. They have setup a massive LED panel screen outside of the store for the masses. Folks from all over the country plan to travel to Bend to see the spectacle. This is actually a larger part of a de-digitialization effort from Gen-Z and Gen-Alpha. The early 2000s and 2010s nostalgia is hitting them hard. Some say that 2012 was the \"ultimate year\", which coincides perfectly with the decline of the once great Blockbuster Video.\n\nThere are a few stipulations.\n1. Tom Brady can never announce.\n2. The Eagles games will not be shown.\n3. Old clips of John Madden must be played before and after every game.\n\nWe are extremely excited to take a little trip to Bend to watch a game.\n\nI love you.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/thursday-night-football-moving-from-amazon-prime-to-blockbuster-video/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/blockbuster_video_football.jpg",
      "tweet": "Thursday Night Football moving from Amazon Prime to Blockbuster Video. To avoid anti-trust lawsuits Amazon is shedding it's TNF streaming. The only Blockbuster Video open in Bend, Oregon will live stream #NFL games. Outside of their store."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "InvestigateTheNFL. This is officially Ref Gate. The NFL is preplanned to a degree that the Soviet Union could only dream of",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"InvestigateTheNFL. This is officially Ref Gate. The NFL is preplanned to a degree that the Soviet Union could only dream of\"\ndescription = \"This insanity needs to end. The NFL is the most corrupt sports organization in the world, bypassing the likes of FIFA. The Soviets are jealous of the planning.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-14T13:56:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#InvestigateTheNFL. This is officially #RefGate. The NFL is preplanned to a degree that the Soviet Union could only dream of.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"soviet_nfl.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- This is the first playoff season and first Superbowl without Patrick Mahomes, Payton Manning, or Tom Brady since 1998. AKA, things were getting boring. And you know what that sick man, Roger Goodell, in his ivory tower thought? Lets mix it up a little.\n\nThe last two weeks of football have been a circus with bad call after bad call. The only good outcome is that the Chargers have won the last 6 out of the 7 games, but that is a digression.\n\nSomething must be done. RefGate is upon us. The NFL needs a thurough investigation. The government needs to take the resources that they've been spending hunting immigrants and ANTIFA and instead dive deep into this organization.\n\nStalin would be proud.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/investigatethenfl-this-is-officially-ref-gate-the-nfl-is-preplanned-to-a-degree-that-the-soviet-union-could-only-dream-of/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/soviet_nfl.png",
      "tweet": "#InvestigateTheNFL. This is officially #RefGate. The NFL is preplanned to a degree that the Soviet Union could only dream of."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the Chiefs. She's more like the Mark David Chapman",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the Chiefs. She's more like the Mark David Chapman\"\ndescription = \"Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the Chiefs. She's the Mark David Chapman. Shes not ripping them apart, its more like an active assassination attempt.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-14T16:18:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the #Chiefs. She's more like the Mark David Chapman\"\nimage = \"taylor_swift_chiefs.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www..5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- The Chiefs are not going to the playoffs. The 2018-2025 dynasty is over. [Are the refs to blame?](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/investigatethenfl-this-is-officially-ref-gate-the-nfl-is-preplanned-to-a-degree-that-the-soviet-union-could-only-dream-of/) Quite possibly, but that is besides the point. We have done the analysis. We've combed through the archives. We've dug deep into obscure databases of player performance. The only unifying factor is that Taylor Swift is a literal assassin sent by some state government to end an era. We're not referring to her Eras tour either. Shes been poisoning the coffee cup that Patrick Mahomes has been sipping out of little by little every day.\n\nSwifties might be literally rabid, but that will not stop us from speaking the truth. Her jets pollute the skys, her remakes pollute the charts, and her face pollutes the jumbotron.\n\nShes less of what breaks the Chiefs up and more of what has killed them with a gun.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/taylor-swift-is-not-the-yoko-ono-of-the-chiefs-shes-more-like-the-mark-david-chapman/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/taylor_swift_chiefs.jpg",
      "tweet": "Taylor Swift is not the Yoko Ono of the #Chiefs. She's more like the Mark David Chapman"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "We Finally Know What Is To Blame The NFL's ACL Tear Epidemic",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"We Finally Know What Is To Blame The NFL's ACL Tear Epidemic\"\ndescription = \"Mahomes. Bosa. Parsons. Hill. We finally know what's behind the NFL's ACL epidemic, and the answer will surprise you. Players are just weaker than before.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-15T16:05:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Mahomes. Bosa. Parsons. Hill. We finally know what's behind the #NFL's ACL epidemic, and the answer will surprise you.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.nbcnews.com/sports/nfl/patrick-mahomes-second-opinion-torn-acl-rcna249363\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"mahomes_acl.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- The numbers speak for themselves. What players have recently had ACL tears? Lets first take a look.\n* Patrick Mahomes\n* Micah Parsons\n* Nick Bosa\n* Malik Nabers\n* Tyreek Hill\n* Tucker Kraft\n* Zach Ertz\n* Marshon Lattimore\n\nA star studded cast of the newly injured. A concerningly high number, and it continues to trend upwards.\n\nWe sat down with leading medical professionals who focus on sports related injuries, experimental kinesiologists, and Tonya Harding (expert on knee trauma) to better understand and finally get to the bottom of this wave of debilitating injury that is sweeping the NFL. We explored all avenues. We even asked Aaron Rogers, but we all know what he is blaming this on. Here is what we asked the actual experts:\n\n* Is this contagious?\n* Are they related?\n* Is there a unifying factor?\n* Why has the frequency increased recently?\n* Who is to blame?\n* [Is this fake, all part of a wide-spread conspiracy theory involving the predetermined outcomes of the NFL?](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/investigatethenfl-this-is-officially-ref-gate-the-nfl-is-preplanned-to-a-degree-that-the-soviet-union-could-only-dream-of/)\n\nThe answer is astounding. The conclusion was agreed upon by all members of our expert panel, independently mind you. There was no cross-contamination on this deep analysis.\n\nToday's men are just soft. In the 80s and 90s players would snap their knees left and right. Know what they did? Sat down on the bench, drink a WARM light American lager, smoke a Cowboy Killer, then get back on the field for the second half, all for making a salary in the tens of thousands of dollars. Did they have a staff of professional physical therapists, masseuses, and stretchers back then? No. They had a Roseary and a dirty rag to bite on. The worst part? The rags already came dirty from the store.\n\nWe have no sympathy for these multi-millionaires with a bit of patellofemoral pain. Get back on the field like a violent animal drunk on rage and high ABV spirits as your fathers did before you.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/we-finally-know-what-is-to-blame-the-nfls-acl-tear-epidemic/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/mahomes_acl.jpg",
      "tweet": "Mahomes. Bosa. Parsons. Hill. We finally know what's behind the #NFL's ACL epidemic, and the answer will surprise you."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Patrick Mahomes Announces Retirement",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Patrick Mahomes Announces Retirement\"\ndescription = \"Patrick Mahomes announces his retirement, from the streak of wins that brought the Chiefs to their 7 superbowl appearences. He will return after his ACL surgery\"\ndate = \"2025-12-16T16:28:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: Patrick Mahomes Announces Retirement\"\nimage = \"mahomes_retired.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nKANSAS CITY -- It is official. Patrick Mahomes is retiring. From his Superbowl streak that went from 2018-2025. He make this announcement tearfully after his game, but the tears were mostly from the ACL tear and not from emotional overwhelm.\n\nAndy Reid had the following to say:\n\n| It is a damn shame what happened on that field. But, with enough care and with his recent successful surgery he'll back back for next season. He is going to lead this team to another Superbowl, no doubt in my mind.\n\nIt is amazing news that Mahomes' ACL surgery was successful. Given the [recent ACL tear epidemic](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/we-finally-know-what-is-to-blame-the-nfls-acl-tear-epidemic/) in the NFL, we hope it doesn't happen to his other knee.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/football/patrick-mahomes-announces-retirement/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/mahomes_retired.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: Patrick Mahomes Announces Retirement"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Mercedes Moné Rebrands as Koska Reeves in Disney Acquisition of WWE",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Mercedes Moné Rebrands as Koska Reeves in Disney Acquisition of WWE\"\ndescription = \"Deal sparks immediate changes to WWE product, exodus of crackling Vince McMahon.\"\ndate = 2021-01-02\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Mercedes Moné Rebrands as Koska Reeves in Disney Acquisition of WWE.\"\nimage = \"Sasha-Banks.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.wwe.com/f/styles/og_image/public/all/2019/08/140_RAW_08122019jg_2646--8cf76447f79ce919fa13c471765151ff.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nIn a stunning announcement, The Walt Disney Company has acquired World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. for an undisclosed amount. \n\nThe Connecticut-based sports entertainment company offers an unusual addition to the growing Disney stable, which has made several high-profile acquisitions in recent years including 21st Century Fox, MLB-founded streaming service Maker Studios, and Lucasfilm. \n\nWitnesses report WWE Chairman Vince McMahon racing from WWE headquarters cackling wildly and clutching a suitcase stuffed with cash on Wednesday evening. \n\nA spokesperson for Disney described the WWE purchase as “strategic outreach to a new audience” for the megamedia corporation. \n\n“For all those parents who thought they could turn off Frozen and escape the Disney family, we’re excited to announce a new platform to keep you trapped in our loving embrace. From birth until death, The Walt Disney Company is buying out every option you have for entertainment.”\n\nThe new ownership will result in some immediate changes to WWE’s product, including the rebranding of Mercedes Moné as her character on Disney’s The Mandalorian, Koska Reeves. \n\nBanks currently holds the SmackDown Women’s Championship title and is known for being one of the “Four Horsewomen” that brought women’s wrestling to the main event stage. Her in-ring debut as Reeves is expected as soon as this Friday following her victory over Carmella at TLC. \n\nOther changes rumored are the introduction of lightsaber duels as a form of in-ring competition and the repackaging of former US Olympian and current SmackDown Superstar Chad Gable as Baby Yoda. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is also expected to headline Wrestlemania as the musical guest with a special edition of his hit Moana song “You’re Welcome.”  Disney hopes the move will grow WWE pay-per-view revenue with a revolutionary form of micro-targeted youth influencer campaigns, where viewers’ children refuse to stop singing the damn song until Mommy and Daddy play Wrestlemania for the thousandth time.\n\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/sasha-banks-koska-reeves/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/Sasha-Banks.jpg",
      "tweet": "Mercedes Moné Rebrands as Koska Reeves in Disney Acquisition of WWE."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Logan Paul to Box Mayweather, Holyfield, and Ruiz At The Same Time",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Logan Paul to Box Mayweather, Holyfield, and Ruiz At The Same Time\"\ndescription = \"Good news: it's only $800.\"\ndate = 2021-01-06T05:31:29.651Z\nextra.tweet = \"Logan Paul to Box Mayweather, Holyfield, and Ruiz At The Same Time. His death will be live streamed on Netflix.\"\nextra.image = \"logan-paul-boxing.jpg\"\nextra.image_source = \"https://specials-images.forbesimg.com/imageserve/1203109888/960x0.jpg?fit=scale\"\nextra.author = \"mello\"\nextra.random_social = true\n+++\nIn a shocking announcement, 5th Quarter Sports has learned that Logan Paul has announced the fight of the century, neigh, the millennium. A 4 way free-for-all boxing match hosted at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Legends all around, Logan Paul, the Youtuber-turned-boxer. Evander Holyfield, the one-eared legend. Floyd Mayweather, the scholar. And finally, Andy Ruiz Jr. , the formally undefeated champion. This is the beauty of exhibition boxing matches. Celebrities, retired boxers, and internet memes gather for a show for the ages.\n\nLook, we all know what will happen. Even though Evander is 58, he’ll take the inside one at a time and dominate. But we’re not here for that. We’re here for the musicians in between the matches, like the last match. We’re here to go ‘when are they gonna fight’, four hours into watching. We’re HERE, to see Ruiz go full on Saitama from [One-Punch Man](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-Punch_Man) and sleep the ref.\n\nThose who perform well, are rewarded. As such, the man who obviously had the best form during the Paul/Robinson, Tyson/Jones fight is announcing this match. That is right, Snoop Dogg has returned to continue his announcer career after he exploded onto the scene during his inaugural slot. He has promised more impromptu hymns, and blunt smoke. 5th Quarter predicts a career change for the OG.\n\nIs this unheard of? Yes. Is it technically illegal? Possibly. Am I going to make some money? You bet your sweet cheeks that I am. The 5th Quarter staff has planned a viewing party, be sure to tune in.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/logan-paul-to-box-mayweather-holyfield-and-ruiz-at-the-same-time/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/logan-paul-boxing.jpg",
      "tweet": "Logan Paul to Box Mayweather, Holyfield, and Ruiz At The Same Time. His death will be live streamed on Netflix."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "Opinion: UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Opinion: UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters\"\ndescription = \"UFC fights do not need the Nevada Gamaing Commission mandated sign language interpreters. The just sign screeming the whoe time. They can catch these hands.\"\ndate = \"2025-05-28T12:13:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Opinion: #UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters. Rogan says the same stuff. DC has been phoning it in. Anik CARRIES the boardcast.\"\nimage_source = \"www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage = \"1000004685.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – It seems like we don’t really need sign language interpreters for UFC fights. Sports commentators already have so little to say, and, as far as sports go, it’s pretty easy to understand what’s happening in a fight.\n\nHaving a sign language interpreter just means you’re watching them the whole time and missing all the action. The same is true of subtitles, which should be discouraged across all sports and any media not in a foreign language.\n\nAnd it seems there’s little the interpreter could say that isn’t being said by the fighters.\n\nMore importantly, UFC fights are invaluable opportunities for multi-tasking, starting with the fact that one should always be listening to music and/or podcasts while watching a fight.\n\nFor music, we recommend Ravel’s Bolero or Vulvodynia’s Praenuntius Infiniti. For podcasts, it doesn’t really matter.\n\nAs you watch the fight there are tons of quick moments where you can sneak in a few pushups, work on a long text, or practice your efficacy. Stealing these moments is essential to the success of any hot-blooded go-getter, and fighting sports present an ideal scenario.\n\nAnd anyways, if you’re watching a UFC fight, then really you should be watching a Jake Paul fight. He’s a boxer, he doesn’t do UFC stuff.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/opinion-ufc-fights-don-t-need-sign-language-interpreters/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004685.jpg",
      "tweet": "Opinion: #UFC Fights Don’t Need Sign Language Interpreters. Rogan says the same stuff. DC has been phoning it in. Anik CARRIES the boardcast."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "BREAKING: Terence Crawford Will Focus Less On Boxing, More On Toastmasters",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"BREAKING: Terence Crawford Will Focus Less On Boxing, More On Toastmasters\"\ndescription = \"Undefeated fighter Terence Crawford annoucnes his retirement and plans to pivot to public speaking, has joined Toasatmasters. His tour circuit starts soon.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-07T20:04:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Undefeated fighter Terence Crawford pivots to public speaking post retirement.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage = \"terence-crawford-toastmasters.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nOMAHA, Nebraska – It has been two months since Terence Crawford dethroned Canelo Álvarez in the fight of the year and became the Undisputed Super Middleweight Champion, and fans and analysts alike have been wondering what Crawford will do next.\n\nTheir questions were answered this morning when the undefeated Crawford, who holds a 42-0 record and has a generally interesting backstory, announced he will step away from boxing to spend more time on Toastmasters, the long-running social club for people seeking to improve their communication and public speaking skills.\n\nIn a private press conference held exclusively for his favorite news outlets, Crawford read from handwritten cue cards and gave the following remarks:\n\n> Good morning. It has come to my attention that I am an extremely boring person whenever I talk out loud, and that my tone, demeanor, and message come across as offensively flat and devoid of any recognizable human expression.\n\n> Out of concern for how this could damage my career and reflect on my personality, I have decided to focus my training on Toastmasters, which is like a club for anyone who wants to come practice their public speaking, but in a friendly, safe environment.\n\n> This training will empower me to produce convincing emotions in my delivery and to say things that will keep interviewers from wishing they were elsewhere.\n\n> In order to accomplish this goal, I must take a step back from boxing, the sport I have loved, dominated, and devoted my life to. But I want to assure my competitors and my fans that this break is temporary, and I will return as a better fighter, interviewee, and friend.\n\n> I have achieved everything I’ve set my mind to in boxing, I’ve won every fight, and I have proven that my name belongs amongst the greatest the sport has ever seen. It is obvious to me now that the only threat to my legacy is the catastrophically boring effect that I have on everyone I speak to.\n\n> But hear me now: I will rise to the challenge, yet again.\n\nCrawford then took questions from the last reporter still in the room, but said little of note.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/breaking-terence-crawford-will-focus-less-on-boxing-more-on-toastmasters/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/terence-crawford-toastmasters.jpg",
      "tweet": "Undefeated fighter Terence Crawford pivots to public speaking post retirement."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Tenkaichi Budokai To Be Held At White House, Hosted By the UFC",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tenkaichi Budokai To Be Held At White House, Hosted By the UFC\"\ndescription = \"This May the 7th, the Tenkaichi martial arts tournament is to be held on the White House groups. An epic 8 day PPV event, hosted by Dana White and the UFC.\"\ndate = 2025-12-17T17:46:16.861Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"This year's Tenkaichi will be held on the grounds of the White House. This year's will feature prominent UFC fighters.\"\nimage = \"guko_jackie_chun.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://pm1.narvii.com/6569/621ffb75e0e5477e92c8604264e092b9eb6c869e_hq.jpg\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, CA -- This May the 7th, the Tenkaichi martial arts tournament is to be held on the White House groups. Contestants from across the galaxy are to assemble at the legendary arena in Abu Dhabi, UAE to participate in this legendary event. The 5thQuarterSports staff has interviewed several participants as well as organizers to get some more information out to the public surrounding this legendary tournament.\n\nThe list of participants is as lengthy as it is iconic. The initial bracket includes appearances from legends such as Son Goku (of course), Dustin Porier (absolute legend), The Korean Zombie, Krillin, King Chappa, Mr. Satan, Holloway, and many others. Rumor has it that even Khabib might be coaxed out of his retirement. McGregor has refused to participate. Will we see an appearance from the great Jackie Chun? Unknown at this time.\n\nThis is sure to be a sight to behold. Dana White has said to us:\n\n“This will be an absolutely uproarious event. You’ll feel the passion in the air that night.”\n\nWe here at the 5thQuarterSports headquarters are extremely glad to hear of the return of Snoop Dogg to his new side-gig of fight announcer. He has a whole new list of hymns prepared for this event. Announcing alongside him will be Joe Rogan, Bruce Buffer, and Herb Dean. This fight will be as entertaining as it is epic.\n\nGood news to all the fans, the 8 day PPV event is available for the low cost of $3000. This will be the tournament of the ages, you CANNOT miss this event.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/combat/tenkaichi-budokai-to-be-held-at-white-house/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/guko_jackie_chun.jpg",
      "tweet": "This year's Tenkaichi will be held on the grounds of the White House. This year's will feature prominent UFC fighters."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "Tesla Considering NASCAR Entry",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tesla Considering NASCAR Entry\"\ndescription = \"Tesla Considering NASCAR Entry. Elon sets his sights for $TSLA in Indy. He was quoted saying 'I wanna go fast'\"\ndate = 2021-01-02\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Tesla Considering NASCAR Entry. Elon wants to go fast.\"\nimage = \"Tesla-Nascar.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://images.pexels.com/photos/39619/auto-racing-nascar-car-sport-39619.jpeg?auto=compress&cs=tinysrgb&dpr=3&h=750&w=1260\"\nauthor = \"trobertson\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nIn a tweet late last night recently minted Texan Elon Musk announced that Tesla is considering a NASCAR entry for the 2022 season.\n\n“Have proof of concept for electrically driven V8 stock car. I just wanna go fast!” - Elon Musk\n\nIt is believed that the company has designed a 1200kW motor which will drive the 358 cubic inch V8 mandated by the racing series. When questioned about the efficiency of this setup Tesla declined to comment however 5Q sports is led to believe that a higher overall power output is possible with this configuration.\n\nOur source explains that the exceptionally high electrical demand will require a 6.9 liter onboard diesel generator. NASCAR are believed to be open to a generator to motor to V8 setup because fundamentally they don’t really understand what's going on.\n\nWhilst the image of an 8000lb Tesla rolling coal down Talladega might be seen as conflicting with the brands core values investors jumped on the idea and TSLA is trading up 24% today.\n\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/racing/telsa-nascar-tweet/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/Tesla-Nascar.jpg",
      "tweet": "Tesla Considering NASCAR Entry. Elon wants to go fast."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Brazilian NASCAR series considering clockwise races",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Brazilian NASCAR series considering clockwise races\"\ndescription = \"BRAZCAR (Brazillian NASCAR) has some tricks up it's sleeve. Thanks to the Coriolis Effect, they will drive counter clockwise in LATAM.\"\ndate = 2021-01-14\n[extra]\nimage = \"Brazil-Nascar.jpeg\"\nimage_source = \"https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1560692830-a756fcdcacee?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MXwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHw%3D&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1350&q=80\"\nauthor = \"trobertson\"\ntweet = \"#NASCAR Brazil is taking an interesting direction. Clockwise races are on the table, due to the Coriolis Effect.\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nNewly founded Brazilian NASCAR feeder series BRAZCAR has stated that due to the coriolis effect in the southern hemisphere some races may be held in a clockwise direction.\n\nThe coriolis effect, best known for causing drains in the northern hemisphere to swirl counterclockwise*, would act as an outward force on cars running in the traditional direction likely flinging them violently into the crowd. Despite the obvious attraction of this to TV viewers, health and safety officials have vetoed the idea.\n\nThe clockwise direction is likely to deter US competitors from attempting the series given they have absolutely no idea how to turn right. 5Q sports reached out to a number of drivers who all had serious concerns.\n\n“I’d barely be out the pit lane before panicking and pulling a yooey” - Ricky Bobby\n\n“My neck can’t turn right, it seized up years ago” - Trip Murphy\n\nConventional stock car chassis are biased to turning left and the most economical approach to switching them is just to mirror the entire car. The prospect of left hand drive vehicles has of course been a draw for British and Australian drivers.\n\n“Oh goodness gracious me. Yes I would jolly well love to have a go and stick it to some foreigners, I’ll get over there quicker than Harry and Meghan.” - Sir Marmaduke Kensington \n\n“Count me in Mate, I could winna race on a bloody left hand drive kangaroo” - (5Q sports regrets that this interviewees name was unintelligible)\n\nDespite the safety concerns, an influx of limeys and ozzies and the LATAM audience being generally too intelligent for oval racing the organizers are charging ahead and BRAZCAR will likely be gracing YouTube fail compilations next year.\n\n[for anyone who isn’t aware, this is bullshit](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/coriolis-effect/)\n\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/racing/clockwise-brazilian-nascar/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/Brazil-Nascar.jpeg",
      "tweet": "#NASCAR Brazil is taking an interesting direction. Clockwise races are on the table, due to the Coriolis Effect."
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "5thQuarterSports Formally Endorces Dougie McCormick for a Kings 10 Day Contract After Recent COVID-19 Outbreak.",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"5thQuarterSports Formally Endorces Dougie McCormick for a Kings 10 Day Contract After Recent COVID-19 Outbreak.\"\ndescription = \"Dougie McCormick is in the spotlight. We can hear the chanting now: Dougie Dougie Dougie\"\ndate = 2022-01-17T00:14:07.637Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The 5thQ anayists are officially endorsing @DougieMc_Kings for a 10 day contract for the Sacramento #Kings.\"\nimage_source = \"https://twitter.com/DougieMc_Kings/header_photo\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"sac_proud.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO, CA -- The Sacramento Kings appear to be in a bit of a bind. It seems that COVID-19 is making it's rounds through the players and staff, mostly recently announced was [Tyrese Haliburton](https://www.cbssports.com/fantasy/basketball/news/kings-tyrese-haliburton-enters-covid-19-protocols/), and potentially Marvin Bagley III. It would appear that we could be entering grim times for the team. However, rough waters makes the cream raise from the milk. A clutch internal prospect has risen internally and reached the ears of Monte McNair and may be under consideration for a 10 day contract, given the recent bout of illness. That prospect is the legendary Dougie McCormick, the Equipment Manager for the Sacramento Kings.\n\nSome may have scoffed at the [SNL skip suggesting that Dougie had asthma attacks on the court](https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/tv/2022/01/16/snl-ariana-debose-plays-nba-after-entire-kings-team-gets-covid/6547767001/). However, the analysts at 5thQuarterSports would like to remind the readers that everyone has potential. NBA teams are bring in 45+ year old players to fill their rosters. Furthermore, McCormick even has a slew of numbers picked out and put them up in a [Twitter poll](https://twitter.com/DougieMc_Kings/status/1482609942242545667). The number 69 could be playing for 10 days.\n\nIt is your time to shine, Dougie. Everyone is rooting for you.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/5thquartersports-formally-endorces-dougie-mccormick-for-a-kings-10-day-contract-after-recent-covid-19-outbreak/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/sac_proud.jpg",
      "tweet": "The 5thQ anayists are officially endorsing @DougieMc_Kings for a 10 day contract for the Sacramento #Kings."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "BREAKING: Owner of Sixers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"BREAKING: Owner of Sixers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.\"\ndescription = \"Accusations of 'indulgence' style trade are swirling. The Clippers trade for Ben Simmons to God is not a fair deal.\"\ndate = 2022-01-19T23:12:20.052Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: Owner of the Los Angeles #Clippers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.espn.com/nba/story/_/id/32877959/ben-simmons-line-all-major-happenings-philadelphia-76ers-star-2021-2022\"\nimage = \"simmons-two.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nNEW YORK -- Trade rumors have been swirling for quite some time around Ben Simmons, with multiple teams competing for offers. Simmons has yet to play a game this season after he requested a trade to a different team. The Sixers, God bless 'em, have been scrambling to come up with a deal the benefits only them.\n\nThe Kings have come forward with a Haliburton, Hield, and Barnes trade, but the Sixers are not having it.\n\n\"It does not benefit us enough,\" Head Coach claims.\n\nThe Sixers have offered the Warriors an equally one-sided trace, attempting to secure Draymond Green and Andrew Wiggings, with some calling them \"delusional\".\n\nBut the final trade offer that is being pursued is the most insane of them all. They're petitioning God himself for a trade. It is as one-sided as they come, in exchange for Simmons they're requesting a free pass to heaven. Some have accused them of buying old-time indulgences, others have said that Simmons would really round out God's team.\n\nThe bias-less 5thQuarterSports staff things the Sixers should just _give_ Simmons to the Kings for free.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-owner-of-sixers-offer-god-trade-ben-simmons-for-pass-to-heaven-critics-call-it-one-sided/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/simmons-two.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: Owner of the Los Angeles #Clippers Offer God Trade, Ben Simmons For Pass To Heaven. Critics Call It One Sided."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Golden One Center to Sell Ball Gags and Leather Masks, Kings Fans Are Submissive Masochists",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Golden One Center to Sell Ball Gags and Leather Masks, Kings Fans Are Submissive Masochists\"\ndescription = \"Golden One Center is embracing kink culture, and we are here for it. They will sell ball-gags and leather dog masks to Kings fans.\"\ndate = 2022-01-24T17:16:33.057Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Sacramento #Kings have some interesting new shops opening up in the Golden One Center, geared directly towards their fanbase. This includes a masochism accessory shop.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"sac_proud.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO, CA -- The 5thQuarterSports staff is extremely proud of the Golden One Center for embracing kink culture. A recent survey done by the Kings themselves has turned up some interesting results. Well over 65% of the fan-base are submissive masochists, and proud. They embrace their lot in life, and are fully willing to accept their lifestyle. The Arena is right there with them.\n\nNew booths are to open, mainly near the Sierra Nevada beer garden on the third floor mezzanine. Some of the booths include: Leather Daddy - a fetish shop specializing in bondage gear, Pretty In Pink -- a men's panty store, and 'Mhmm I Can't Hear You' -- a ball-gag enthusiast shop.\n\nThis is a giant leap for our society's acceptance and normalization of the BDSM community. We applaud the strength and courage of Sacramento Kings fans everywhere. They're steadfast, true, and know what they like even though it may cause a bit of pain.\n\nThe Kings are 18 and 30 this season.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/golden-one-center-to-sell-ball-gags-and-leather-masks-kings-fans-are-submissive-masochists/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/sac_proud.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Sacramento #Kings have some interesting new shops opening up in the Golden One Center, geared directly towards their fanbase. This includes a masochism accessory shop."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff\"\ndescription = \"Simmons is a pioneer in the anti-work movement. He is actually a moderator of the antiwork staff.\"\ndate = 2022-02-08T16:49:55.026Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: #Clippers player Ben Simmons to become moderator of the /r/antiwork subreddit. We support his evangelization of the #antiwork movement.\"\nimage = \"simmons-two.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.espn.com/nba/story/_/id/32877959/ben-simmons-line-all-major-happenings-philadelphia-76ers-star-2021-2022\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- America is fed up with work. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, over having to spend any savings they have on a hospital visit only to learn that being 'sick and tierd' is not a diagnosable symptom outside of Lyme Disease or COPD. Ticks aren't even native to my area, Goddammit. How could I get Lyme Disease. But I digress. Americans are flocking to communities that are attempting to change working conditions to better suite the workers, with reasonable hours and better benefits. Reddit users have been driven to the [/r/antiwork](https://reddit.com/r/antiwork) and [/r/workreform](https://www.reddit.com/r/workreform) subreddits for many months. The flock of the /r/antiwork church have been inspired by moderator Doreen Ford's widely lauded and revolutionary [interview with Fox New's Jesse Watter's](https://www.theguardian.com/global/2022/jan/31/fox-news-jesse-watters-antiwork-subreddit-interview). The brave woman entered the Fox News battle ground, dodged all possible verbal traps laid by the skillful anchor, and came out ahead. So much so that she has inspired 76ers player Ben Simmons.\n\nSimmons is breaking new ground in this work reform movement. His moral stance on not working transcends that which has been seen before. Doreen might have been walking dogs for ~20 hours a week, but Ben has her beat. He is anti-work to the point of [losing over 19 million dollars](https://nba.nbcsports.com/2022/02/01/report-76ers-have-fined-ben-simmons-more-than-19m-and-counting/) through fines from the NBA for sitting games out. He is a true beacon in this anti-work movement. Some claim that he is not mentally ready to play in games. Some claim that he does not like his teammates on the 76ers. We at 5thQuarterSports have sources close to Simmons reporting that he is pushing the antiwork movement to places it never dreamed of going.\n\nTo enter the moderator staff of /r/antiwork, one must pass the gauntlet. One must battle a dragon. One must interview with Jesse Watters. That's right: Simmons is slated for an interview to evangelize the anti-work / work reform movement in early march. Given how Doreen slapped Watters down the court and back, we have extreme faith in Simmons for this interview. This will be a pay-per-view event, with Bruce Buffer (this \"journalist's\" least favorite of the Buffer brothers) announcing.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-ben-simmons-to-join-r-antiwork-moderation-staff/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/simmons-two.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: #Clippers player Ben Simmons to become moderator of the /r/antiwork subreddit. We support his evangelization of the #antiwork movement."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver\"\ndescription = \"The #NBA took Jokić. It's not personal, it’s a blood feud.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-25T08:14:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver. The #NBA took Jokić. It's not personal, it’s a blood feud.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"crying-silver.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – Arguably the NBA would suck complete ass without the talent they’ve stolen from the EuroLeague. Adam Silver is on Vince McMahon levels of prospect sucking during the Territories Era, taking well-developed players into his league. A league which is already on life support. It is downright shameful.\n\nThis will all end soon, and the tables will turn. President Trump will make an incorrect move, and have economic sanctions placed on the US by the EU. The upper-hand will truly be gained by those in the old-country when US imports of their players are stemmed. Then comes the turnaround.\n\nTalks that half of the King’s starting lineup are considering a European tour are underway. De'Aaron Fox, after having lost his right hand in a battle with his father Darth Vader, has been eyeing every opportunity for an out. Justin Hurder’s lilly skin, continually burnt by the hot Sacramento sun, yearns for the overcast of the Nordic countries. And Sabonis misses his mother.\n\nWe at 5thQuarterSports support the eventual crumble and demise of the NBA organization, and the lack of intercontinental expansion is just one step forward in its untimely demise.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/euroleague-dunks-on-nba-partnership-not-worth-silver/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/crying-silver.jpg",
      "tweet": "EuroLeague Dunks on NBA: Partnership Not Worth Silver. The #NBA took Jokić. It's not personal, it’s a blood feud."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”\"\ndescription = \"Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”\"\ndate = \"2025-01-27T15:20:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.buildingthedam.com/2019/4/10/18305815/watch-gregg-popovich-yells-at-drew-eubanks-for-playing-defense-dirk-nowitzki\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage = \"popovich.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN ANTONIO, Texas – With the February 6 trade deadline rapidly approaching, San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich revealed in a recent press conference an interest in trading Spurs starting center Victor Wembanyama, a highly sought-after young talent in the league.\n\nIn his typical frankness, Popovich explained, “we’re open to trading for draft picks, and of course we would need another big man to fill out the 5 spot, but I wouldn’t even consider a trade unless there is a first-generation holographic Blastoise PSA 8 or higher on the table.”\n\nReporters pressed further, asking if Popovich would consider multiple other high-value cards in lieu of the extremely rare Blastoise.\n\n“Not a chance in hell,” he replied. “Wembanyama is the greatest NBA prospect in a generation, and I wouldn’t give him up for any less than he’s worth.”\n\nThe three-time Coach of the Year cut off a follow up question saying, “look, I’ve been very clear on this. Blastoise. PSA 8 or higher. Gold border. Holographic. Mint condition. Doesn’t have to still be in the box, but no fingerprints. I don’t want to hear about any PSA 10 Charizards, and I’m not going to waste any more time discussing it.”\n\nWith many teams entering final talks for their player trades, the sudden availability of Wembanyama, last season’s number one overall draft pick, is sure to have some coaches reshuffling their decks.\n\nIn other trade news, Lebron James announced his interest in trading Lakers head coach JJ Redick for a reliable Poliwhirl. \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/popovich-any-trade-for-wembanyama-must-include-mint-condition-holographic-blastoise/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/popovich.jpg",
      "tweet": "Popovich: “Any trade for Wembanyama must include mint-condition holographic Blastoise.”"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Dumbest Trade in NBA History: The Mavericks Gave Away Luka Dončić for Half Pack of Smokes, and a Used 2013 Ford Fiesta ",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Dumbest Trade in NBA History: The Mavericks Gave Away Luka Dončić for Half Pack of Smokes, and a Used 2013 Ford Fiesta \"\ndescription = \"There are bad trades, and then there’s whatever the hell the Dallas Mavericks just did. \"\ndate = \"2025-02-02T09:49:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Dumbest Trade in #NBA History. The Dallas #Mavericks gave away Luka Dončić for half pack of smokes, and a used 2013 Ford Fiesta\"\nimage_source = \"https://forums.realgm.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=1411580\"\nimage = \"mavs-fans-right-now.jpg\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nThere are bad trades, and then there’s **whatever the hell the Dallas Mavericks just did.**  \n\nIn a move that makes you question if Mark Cuban was hypnotized by LeBron James over Zoom, the Mavericks have traded **Luka Freaking Dončić** to the Los Angeles Lakers in exchange for **Anthony \"My Body is Made of Glass\" Davis**, Max Christie (who?), and a **2029 first-round pick that will probably turn into an AI-generated player from NBA 2K30.**  \n\nThis isn’t just bad—it’s historically dumb. Like, “Investing your life savings in Hoc Tuah Coin and buying the dip” level dumb. I haven't seen a bigger ripoff since the Fushigi. Rest in peace David Stern cause he would have certainly Vetoed this trade  Let’s break down why this is quite possibly the most brain-dead trade of all time.  \n\n---\n### Luka Dončić: A Franchise Savior, Given Away Like a Free Sample at Costco\n\nLuka Dončić isn’t just good—**he’s a generational talent.** This man walked into the NBA as a teenager and started handing out 30-point triple-doubles like Oprah giving away cars. He was the future of the Mavericks, the heart of the team, and the one guy keeping Dallas relevant in a Western Conference full of juggernauts.  \n\nHe’s 25. *Twenty-five.* **You don’t trade a 25-year-old superstar unless he personally requests to be sent to space.** But instead of building around Luka, the Mavericks have effectively said,  \n*\"You know what? We’d rather build around a guy whose bones sound like bubble wrap every time he lands after a dunk.\"*  \n\nBased on age and skill I would have thought the only NBA assets more tradeable than Luka were Jokic, Wemby, and maybe Jason Tatum. Glass Bones Anthony Davis wouldn't even sniff the top ten on my list.\n\n---\n\n### Anthony Davis: The Human Injury Report\n\nLook, Anthony Davis **is incredibly talented.** When he’s healthy, he’s one of the best big men in the league. *But that’s like saying that that my Wifes Boyfriend is great, except for when he makes me sleep on the couch.*  \n\nDavis hasn’t played a full season since Blockbuster was still in business. Every time he falls to the ground, fans hold their breath like they just watched someone drop their iPhone face-first on the concrete. The only thing more fragile than AD’s knees is the Mavericks’ championship hopes after this trade.  \n\nThey swapped **a durable, young, MVP-caliber superstar for a guy whose best ability is “he the 4th best Center in the league, when available.”** Make it make sense.  \n\n---\n\n### The Trade Package: A Used Napkin and a Participation Trophy\n\nDallas didn’t just trade Luka for AD straight up (which would have been **bad enough**). Oh no, they also *graciously accepted* Max Christie (congrats, you got a role player!) and a **2029 first-round pick.**  \n\n**2029.** By the time this pick conveys, we might have robot referees, a four-point line, and Bronny James the third might be in the league.\n\nBy then, the Mavericks could be rebuilding from this disaster of a trade with a middle aged Davis, wondering why they ever thought it was a good idea to swap a *once-in-a-lifetime* player for **a first-round pick that isn’t even out of middle school yet. Not to mention Luka will only be 30 so you cant even assume that the Lakers will be bad by then.\n\n---\n\n### Dallas Fans Deserve Better\n\nMavericks fans have been *through it.* They had to endure the Kristaps Porziņģis \"Unicorn\" experiment (spoiler: it sucked), and now, after FINALLY getting a legitimate superstar, they just **yeeted him away like a bad fantasy basketball trade.**  \n\nDallas should have been building a dynasty around Luka. Instead, they’ve **built a retirement home for injury-prone big men.** What’s next? Signing Derrick Rose and Greg Oden just to complete the collection?  \n\n---\n\n### Conclusion: The Mavericks are idiots and they Lakers should be booked for Grand Theft\n\nThe Lakers have a long history of *absolutely robbing* teams in trades, and this might be their greatest heist yet. **They just got Luka Dončić—the future of basketball—in exchange for a player they were probably ready to trade for a ham sandwich.**\n\nThis trade will go down as one of the worst in NBA history. Years from now, when Luka is winning rings in Los Angeles and the Mavericks are picking 12th in the draft wondering what went wrong, fans will look back at this moment and scream into the void.  \n\nCongratulations, Dallas. **You just made the worst trade of all time.**\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-dumbest-trade-in-nba-history-the-mavericks-just-gave-away-luka-doncic-for-half-pack-of-smokes-and-a-used-2013-ford-fiesta/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/mavs-fans-right-now.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Dumbest Trade in #NBA History. The Dallas #Mavericks gave away Luka Dončić for half pack of smokes, and a used 2013 Ford Fiesta"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Zion Williamson Opens Up About Lack Of Motivation: \"AI is just gonna take all our jobs\"",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Zion Williamson Opens Up About Lack Of Motivation: \\\"AI is just gonna take all our jobs\\\"\"\ndescription = \"Zion's identity struggles continue. The New Orleans Pelicans player has thoughts about Artificial Intelligence and LLMs.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-06T18:17:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Zion Williamson: “I mean, #AI is just gonna take all our jobs, right? Like, it’s already happening, right? It’s hard to feel excited about improving my game all the time when that’s just something that’s gonna happen.”\"\nimage = \"zion.jpeg\"\nimage_source = \"https://twsn.net/2025/01/zion-williamson-traded-to-the-detroit-pistons\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nNEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – The New Orleans Pelicans struggled in yet another away game Wednesday night as they fell to the Denver Nuggets 144-119, dropping the team to 12-39 and 4-21 on the road.\n\nWith the Pelicans firmly out of playoff contention, questions continue to circulate about Zion Williamson’s performance and whether the starting Power Forward is committed to his physical conditioning and working through injuries.\n\n5thQuarterSports sat down with Williamson after Wednesday’s game to discuss the rumors.\n\nWhen asked point blank if he is lacking motivation, the two-time all-star admitted that he has been feeling apathetic and disillusioned, largely because of his view that AI and automation are replacing labor previously performed by human employees.\n\n“I mean, AI is just gonna take all our jobs, right? Like, it’s already happening, right? It’s hard to feel excited about improving my game all the time when that’s just something that’s gonna happen.”\n\nAsked to clarify, he went on:\n\n“You know what I’m talking about. What happens when a computer can do everything that a human can do, but better? I’m talking any job. Our economy is seriously changing, and we’re all about to be unemployed.”\n\nWilliamson missed 27 games early this season due to a left hamstring strain, one of many injuries over the course of his career. He made his return on January 7 in a game against the Minnesota Timberwolves that the Pelicans ultimately lost 104-97, despite a strong effort from the 24 year old.\n\nDuring this latest injury, commentators and social media posts once again buzzed with allegations that Williamson is regularly eating unhealthily and slacking on his workouts, ultimately impacting his performance. Nearly a month after his return, I ask how he’s feeling post-injury.\n\n“It’s been really nice to be back playing again. I always want to be out there with our guys, of course. But even when that’s keeping me busy, I still just feel all stressed out about what’s gonna happen down the road. I mean, there’s a lot of jobs already disappearing because of AI and automation, and like, there’s a lot of people out there who had a skill, you know? But then their job got replaced with a f------ robot, and man, that’s their money right there, that’s their livelihood.”\n\nZion leans forward on the couch and pulls out his phone. He starts scrolling around the Doordash app, elbows on his knees and head in his hand.\n\n“And I feel like no industry is safe, not even mine. I mean, like, a lot of that stuff is gonna happen soon, like during my career, maybe during my prime. You see how that makes it kinda hard to really give your full effort day in and day out?”\n\nI bring up the emphatic 360 windmill dunk Williamson showed off in the third quarter of his return game and ask what he was feeling in that moment.\n\n“Just excited, you know? I mean I get stoked coming back after an injury, cause, well, I think about it a lot when I’m injured, you know? Cause that’s when there’s nothing to do but just sit around and wait, and just, I don’t know, think.”\n\nThe former ACC Athlete of the Year laughs a little, shaking his head.\n\n“And I’ve spent a lot of time being injured during my career, I know that. S---, a lot of medical attention has gone into my body. And that’s when I’m faced with it the most often, too, cause like, these doctors use so many computers and insane technology when they’re helping us recover, it’s crazy. And like, I feel like every time I’m in the doctor’s office, there’s less doctors and nurses, and more computers and machines around. I don’t know.”\n\nZion turns off his phone but continues his unfocused stare at the blank screen.\n\n“The heart transplant was a big one,” he says.\n\n“You know, I didn’t think much going into it, but afterward I was just like, man, they replaced my heart with like, this little robot machine, and then while they were at it they went ahead and switched out my pancreas with like a computer chip. I mean, it’s a lot to think about. It changes your perspective.”\n\nI ask Williamson to elaborate and he sets his phone aside, still leaning forward on the couch. His voice is quiet and thoughtful, and I can tell he’s being earnest.\n\n“It’s just like, with all the pistons and gears where there used to be muscles, and all the microchip processors, just all the work we’ve done to my body- it’s just a lot. And you’d think that would make everything good, like I’m lucky, but nah, it kinda adds to it all. It makes it hard keeping my head in the game.”\n\nZion looks up at me, and I can see a longing in his expression.\n\n“As I become more machine than man, what will I become as a player, and as a person? At what point do I cease to be Zion? Why are we even here- like, what are we meant to do? This whole technological transition that we’re in, I mean, I feel like I’m part of it. And our technology is so incredibly useful, like, it can do so much for us. But, you know, that’s gonna mean some major changes- for everyone. And change is… complicated, I guess. My transformation definitely makes it be something that’s more on my mind, personally.”\n\nWith a heartfelt sigh, he picks up his phone and begins scrolling through Doordash again.\n\n“So yeah, I’ve been a little distracted. But I’m gonna keep giving it my all every game, and I think we can still turn this season around.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/zion-williamson-opens-up-about-lack-of-motivation-ai-is-just-gonna-take-all-our-jobs/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/zion.jpeg",
      "tweet": "Zion Williamson: “I mean, #AI is just gonna take all our jobs, right? Like, it’s already happening, right? It’s hard to feel excited about improving my game all the time when that’s just something that’s gonna happen.”"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Quotes From NBA Players Recently Pardoned For Jan 6th Involvement",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Quotes From NBA Players Recently Pardoned For Jan 6th Involvement\"\ndescription = \"We compiled quotes from NBA players who have been recently pardoned for their Jan 6th involvement. Number 6 will SHOCK you.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-20T16:41:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Quotes from #NBA players recently pardoned for Jan 6th. “They should have hanged Mike Pence at the All Star game, would have been more interesting.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"backetball-j6.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n“They should have hanged Mike Pence at the All Star game, would have been more interesting.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar\n\n“My alibi was that I was too lazy to go.” – [Ben Simmons](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-ben-simmons-to-join-r-antiwork-moderation-staff/)\n\n“” – Kobe Bryant\n\n“” – Jayson Tatum\n\n“Say it again, Chuck, what do they say?” – Shaquille O'Neal\n\n“We’re gonna…We’re gonna…We’re gonna find Nancy Peloton” – Charles Barkely\n\n“I think you have me confused with the Shamen, we have very similar names. But yes, I was there too.” – Landry Shamet\n\n“Don’t shorten my son’s name.” – Steve Kerr\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/quotes-from-nba-players-recently-pardoned-for-jan-6th-involvement/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/backetball-j6.jpg",
      "tweet": "Quotes from #NBA players recently pardoned for Jan 6th. “They should have hanged Mike Pence at the All Star game, would have been more interesting.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Adam Silver Announces That NBA Refs Are Allowed To Bet On Games",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Adam Silver Announces That NBA Refs Are Allowed To Bet On Games\"\ndescription = \"They are D.O.N.E (Department of NBA Efficiency). Adam Silver announces that NBA referees can now bet on the games.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-24T16:14:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Adam Silver announces that #NBA refs are allowed to bet on Games. 'He also said the Department Of NBA Efficiency (DONE) intends to restructure other aspects of the league’s operation...'\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thQuarterSports.com\"\nimage = \"refs-betting.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, California – In a major change of foundational rules, the NBA will now allow league referees to gamble on the outcome of NBA games and playoff series. The rule change was announced in a press release from NBA Commissioner Adam Silver early this morning and is effective immediately.\n\nWith this overhaul of league regulations, NBA referees will have no restrictions on monetary wagers and parlays made before and during games, though players and coaches will still be barred from any such betting.\n\nAccording to Silver’s statement, referees will not be obligated to disclose their bets, but can if they would like.\n\nCalling it a “more honest and modern approach,” the Commissioner explained that the rule change is part of his administration’s effort to reduce inefficiency in the structure and operation of the league.\n\n“It’s about streamlining. Our goal is to root out any inefficiencies in how the league functions, and sometimes that involves updating the old rules.”\n\nHe also said the Department Of NBA Efficiency (DONE) intends to restructure other aspects of the league’s operation, and that further deregulation inquiries will be led by businessman Mark Cuban. Cuban’s team will review NBA policies and cut unnecessary regulations, while occasionally reporting to Commissioner Silver.\n\nWhen Silver was asked why the former rules for referee betting needed to be updated, he responded saying, “lately this just seems to be the vibe.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/adam-silver-announces-that-nba-refs-are-allowed-to-bet-on-games/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/refs-betting.jpg",
      "tweet": "Adam Silver announces that #NBA refs are allowed to bet on Games. 'He also said the Department Of NBA Efficiency (DONE) intends to restructure other aspects of the league’s operation...'"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "DraftKings Partners with Harlem Globetrotters for Betting on Washington Generals Games",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"DraftKings Partners with Harlem Globetrotters for Betting on Washington Generals Games\"\ndescription = \"You can now bet on Globetrotters game on DraftKings. We at highly endorse the normalization of the gambling culture in all forms of media.\"\ndate = \"2025-02-25T19:16:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#DraftKings has partnered with the Harlem Globetrotters. #PrizePicks has partnered with CoComelon. The future is awesome.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thQuarterSports.com\"\nimage = \"globetrotters-draftkings.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – DraftKings has made a move that has been met with controversy, partnering with the Harlem Globetrotters to allow for betting on games against the ineffective Washington Generals. This comes hot on the heels of our last article announcing that [Refs in the NBA can bet on games](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/adam-silver-announces-that-nba-refs-are-allowed-to-bet-on-games/). This decision by DraftKings has bettors chomping at the bit for acrobatics, and some even as far as saying “This was a bit that the Simpsons did 20 years ago.”\n\nThe 5thQuarterSports staff has no rebuttal to that remark.\n\nInclusion of the Globetrotters on the platform has opened the opportunity for same-game parlays. Bets such as “over/under 3 balls pulled back by a string”, “5+ balls being juggled”, and “over under 50 dunks on the Generals” have been featured.\n\nWe at 5thQuarterSports highly endorse the normalization of the gambling culture in all forms of media, especially family based. The recent announcement of DraftKings promos on the Disney Channel, WB Kids, and CoComelon are a step in the correct direction for society. We want to bet if Blue's Clues finds the mail, for god sakes. There can’t be consequences to the permeation of this culture. Barstool sports is the pinnacle of society, they’ve partnered with Gerber breast milk to release a 4% infant formula. I don’t even know anymore.\n \n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/draftkings-partners-with-harlem-globetrotters-for-betting-on-washington-generals-games/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/globetrotters-draftkings.jpg",
      "tweet": "#DraftKings has partnered with the Harlem Globetrotters. #PrizePicks has partnered with CoComelon. The future is awesome."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "I have H5N1 At Dave and Busters, Wearing my Jordan 12s, Is This My Flu Game?",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"I have H5N1 At Dave and Busters, Wearing my Jordan 12s, Is This My Flu Game?\"\ndescription = \"Dave and Buster's should start their own sportsbook. I have Bird Flue. I'm in my Jordan 12s. I don't know whats going on.\"\ndate = \"2025-03-01T10:44:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Dave and Buster's should start their own sportsbook. I caught bird flu from the Time Crisis game.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"nba-hoops.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.videoamusement.com/\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n\nSAN FRANCISCO – The worst part of Dave and Busters: it is nothing like the commercials. My wife isn’t crying in the commercials, my coworker John’s wife isn’t making out with a stranger as he pukes in the bathroom in the commercials. People seem happy in the commercials. They’re smiling, laughing, holding comically tall beers. I’m down $300 dollars, the plastic card’s jagged edge is cutting into my palm as I squeeze it intently as the claw machine fails to grip the PS5 for the 12th attempt in a row.\n\nI brought my Jordan 12s to play skee ball. I’m locked in, runny nose, dry cough, the works. I’m hitting the corner pockets. I have backspin. I’m in my happy place. My wife is not.\n\nThis throws me back to my days at Chuck E. Cheese. I blame that establishment for my fear of giant animals and animatronics. But I also blame it for my love of slightly burnt pizza and my gambling proclivities. I wonder if they will release a sports book app.\n\nI miss the old logo.\n\nTime for a bit of NBA Hoops. As I approach the row of rims and nets a group of youths surround me.\n\n“If you lose, one of us has to do 25 pushups,” one challenges me.\n\nLittle do they know that I’ve been greasing the groove. I brick 12 shots in a row. The little fucker nails nearly all of his. I drop down and bust out a tight 25 in under 2 minutes much to their dismay. Old man still got it.\n\nI order a comically large beer. My wife is crying even harder at my Hoops display. I’ve creased my 12s in the pushup contest. This is the worst day of my life.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/i-have-h5n1-at-dave-and-busters-wearing-my-jordan-12s-is-this-my-flu-game/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nba-hoops.jpg",
      "tweet": "Dave and Buster's should start their own sportsbook. I caught bird flu from the Time Crisis game."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Unexpected Collapses of the Week: The Mavericks and the USA",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Unexpected Collapses of the Week: The Mavericks and the USA\"\ndescription = \"Who would have guessed that the Dallas Mavericks and the USA would collapse within the same week?\"\ndate = \"2025-03-15T18:34:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Well it took YEARS in the making but the Dallas #Mavericks and the United States of America might collapse in the same week.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"nick-mavericks-usa.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thQuarterSports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nAUSTIN, TX -- Welcome to 5thQuarterSport's \"Unexpected Collapse of the Week\" where we take a shallow-dive into some unexpected implosions and hopefully break our necks on\nthe bottom of the pool.\n\nFirst up: The Dallas Mavericks. It is truly astonishing. Not only are some of their key players, such as Edwards, unable to play many more games they are also butting up against the salary cap. It is a sight to behold. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a franchise.\n\nNext up: the US of A. Rome only lasted ~2 centuries, will the US follow suit? With markets down, deportations up, and bruised egos clashing in the government things are looking bleak for the average American. Expectations of sharp tax increases and vanishing retirement accounts are not a welcome sight. It goes to show that trades, injuries, and arbitrary monetary rules can really harm a country.\n\nUntil nextime.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/unexpected-collapses-of-the-week-the-mavericks-and-the-usa/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nick-mavericks-usa.jpg",
      "tweet": "Well it took YEARS in the making but the Dallas #Mavericks and the United States of America might collapse in the same week."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Top 5 NBA Players Most Likely To Enlist To Fight In Ukraine",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Top 5 NBA Players Most Likely To Enlist To Fight In Ukraine\"\ndescription = \"We go through the top 5 NBA players who are most likely to inlist in Ukraine. (You'll definitely guess #1)\"\ndate = \"2025-03-31T16:45:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Top 5 #NBA players most likely to enlist to fight in Ukraine. (You'll definitely guess #1)\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"nba-players-in-ukraine-2.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n5QS HQ, Washington, D.C. – As the American people wrestle with how they should handle the war in Ukraine, a widespread political talking point has been, “well if it’s so important, why don’t you go over there and fight in the war yourself?”\n\nAs such an intriguing proposition, it begs the question of which NBA players might commit to fighting on the frontlines of the ongoing conflict. 5th Quarter Sports ran extensive analysis on all 560 active NBA players to determine who was most likely to make such a move.\n\nThe research showed that most players were disinclined to pause their careers to go fight in a war on foreign soil; however, a few players showed enough probability to create some uncertainty for their coaches and for the next NBA season.\n\nHere are the Top 6 players who scored highest in this study:\n\n## 6. Svi Mykhailiuk\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"svi_mykhailiuk_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Utah Jazz\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 12%\n\nBeing from Ukraine, one could guess why Svi might be interested in fighting in the war. The issue seemed personal, so 5th Quarter Sports did not ask him about it.\n\n## 5. Ja Morant\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"ja_morant_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Memphis Grizzlies\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 14%\n\nJa Morant absolutely adores guns. He is also overdue for another multi-game suspension for glorifying firearms on social media. This raises the question of what the Grizzlies star point guard will do with his free time during his next suspension.\n\nThe War in Ukraine, an active crime against humanity by existing, has likely already gotten Morant’s attention due to its heavy use of guns. Should his entourage suddenly gain a politically vocal member, the two-time NBA All Star may choose to take his talents elsewhere.\n\n## 4. Nikola Jokic\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"nikola_jokic_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Denver Nuggets\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 17%\n\nThis is one of the most surprising of the bunch. Jokic shows as much indifference to the war in Ukraine as he does to basketball; however, when it comes to love for horses, he scores very high.\n\nThe three-time MVP has been open about his admiration of the species, often praising their “underrated” role in the history of warfare. He has been quoted multiple times saying that “horses are the only animals that can smell war.”\n\nJokic is known to be extremely fond of his own horses, so the crucial variable is how his horses feel about the war. It all rests on whether Jokic’s love for these beasts will counterbalance the power of his disinterest in Ukraine and basketball combined.\n\n## 3. Alex Len\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"alex_len_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Los Angeles Lakers\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 24%\n\nAlong with Mykailiuk, Len is the only other Ukrainian player in the league. His hometown of Antratsyt has actually been under Russian control for more like 11 years, but the 2022 invasion probably didn’t help.\n\nLen is also a trained gymnast and a very strong swimmer.\n\n## 2. Luka Doncic\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"luka_concic_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Los Angeles Lakers\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 39%\n\nBeing from the Balkans, Luka Doncic is eager to fight in a sticky war between Eastern European neighbors. He is the player we are least sure about which side he would fight for.\n\nDoncic’s score in this research is also considered to be highly volatile. The equations are strongly influenced by recent actions, so anything Doncic has done lately that might make him look like a backstabbing sellout could temporarily raise his score, even if he usually sells out at a pretty standard rate.\n\n## 1. Kyrie Irving\n\n{{ article_image(name=\"kyrie_irving_2025.png\", source=\"https://espn.com\") }}\n\n**Team:** Dallas Mavericks\n\n**Likelihood to Enlist:** 86%\n\nNo surprises here. This could prove to be the most logical next step for Irving’s career, considering his pattern of confusing convictions.\n\nThe veteran point guard is probably confident his recent knee injury will not affect how soon he can deploy, and it’s possible he will still return to the NBA after winning the war.\n\nThere’s really only two questions for the Mavericks: how will the team handle Irving’s exit, and would this be worse than Luka ditching them for the Lakers?\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/top-5-nba-players-most-likely-to-enlist-to-fight-in-ukraine/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nba-players-in-ukraine-2.jpg",
      "tweet": "Top 5 #NBA players most likely to enlist to fight in Ukraine. (You'll definitely guess #1)"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Devin Booker Refuses To Acknowledge His Serious Case of Ringworm",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Devin Booker Refuses To Acknowledge His Serious Case of Ringworm\"\ndescription = \"Devin Booker has ringworm. And its BAD. Noone in the lockerroom will acknowledge it. A real awkward situation for the Suns.\"\ndate = \"2025-04-09T17:09:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: Phoenix #Suns player Devin Booker has ringworm. And its BAD.\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"devin-booker-ringworm.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nPHOENIX, Arizona – Rumors coming out of the Phoenix Suns\nlocker room are that star player Devin Booker still has a serious case of ringworm,\nand he continues to hide and deny it.\n\nOne of Booker’s teammates, who spoke on condition of\nanonymity, said, “Book shouldn’t be playing. He’s hiding it really well, but it’s\ndefinitely ringworm, and he’s definitely contagious. I think it’s a conspiracy.”\n\nWhen 5thQuarterSports asked Booker if the rumors\nwere true, the four-time NBA All Star looked the other way and pretended not to\nhear us. Meanwhile, three-time girlfriend Kendall Jenner became irate and said\nsome very cruel things.\n\nBooker and Jenner have been back together for over a month\nnow, and it’s going fine.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/devin-booker-refuses-to-acknowledge-his-serious-case-of-ringworm/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/devin-booker-ringworm.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: Phoenix #Suns player Devin Booker has ringworm. And its BAD."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "As Playoffs Begin, NBA Reminds Players Free Will Is An Illusion",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"As Playoffs Begin, NBA Reminds Players Free Will Is An Illusion\"\ndescription = \"The NBA play offs is a great time to remind ourselves that free will is an illusion of the mind. Predestination is a real phenomenon.\"\ndate = \"2025-04-20T19:09:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The good news is that the #NBA play-offs are here. The bad news is that the outcome is predetermined. We're not talking about how it is fixed (it is), but its more in a metaphysical sense.\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage = \"nba-determinism.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nThis weekend kicks off the 2025 NBA Playoffs and the most exciting time of the year for basketball.\n\nTo mark the occasion, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sent a written message to all of the players who will be participating in the Playoffs, congratulating them on the end of the regular season and reminding them that free will is an illusion of the mind.\n\nRead Silver’s full message here:\n\n>Well done on another successful season, and congratulations on making it to the 2025 NBA Playoffs. The Referees Association and I wish all of you good fortune in your quest for the Finals and the title of NBA Champion. We also want to remind you that we have no free will in this life, and our fates are bound to the physics of the universe.\n> \n>From the rise and fall of empires, to a moving screen above the three-point line, all of the past, present, and future is predetermined by the never-ending paths of little molecules, creating every moment in a cosmic chain reaction set in stone.\n> \n>The Playoffs are where legends are born, where stories are written. This is the time when the game of basketball, and its stars, shine the brightest. And for each legendary player, we know this was their destiny, because there is only one possible course of events in our world.\n> \n>Anything is possible, and anything can happen in the NBA Playoffs. Even a small-market team like Oklahoma City could win it all this year. However, the outcome has already been decided. We have no control over what will transpire- this is the great mirage of consciousness.\n> \n>The winner of the 2025 NBA Finals has already been determined. One of these teams is waiting to be crowned champions, and the excitement is greater than ever. So on behalf of the NBA Referees Association and the entire league, I say go out there and give it your all.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/as-playoffs-begin-nba-reminds-players-free-will-is-an-illusion/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/nba-determinism.jpg",
      "tweet": "The good news is that the #NBA play-offs are here. The bad news is that the outcome is predetermined. We're not talking about how it is fixed (it is), but its more in a metaphysical sense."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Anthony Edwards Should Just Go For It And Tell His Children He Loves Them",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Anthony Edwards Should Just Go For It And Tell His Children He Loves Them\"\ndescription = \"Anthony Edwards' feelings are...mixed to negative on his children. We encourage him to express his love for his offspring.\"\ndate = \"2025-05-15T12:08:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Anthony Edwards should just go for it and tell his children he loves them. Some people don't like their children. Others...straight up hate them.\"\nimage = \"1000004598.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thQuarterSports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nMINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota – At only 23 years old and in his fifth season, Anthony Edwards has quickly become one of the most athletic and popular players in the NBA. He has grown to be truly dominant on the court and is currently leading the Timberwolves on their fourth straight playoff run.\n\nThe Timberwolves star is also rumored to be the “chosen one” as the next face of the league and confirmed to be an absentee father to at least three children with three different mothers.\n\nConsequently, Edwards has spent most of the last two years facing media scrutiny for his fatherly absence, as well as some gentle encouragement to acknowledge his children more often.\n\nIt is our opinion here at 5th Quarter Sports that Anthony Edwards should go for it and tell his bastard children he loves them. We believe this would have a good outcome for Edwards because small children have no idea when you’re lying to them.\n\nNaturally, this is a complicated course of action for the three-time NBA All Star. Should Edwards decide to go for it, he needs to keep in mind that there will always be new children to say it to and that most children grow old enough to know they have been lied to.\n\nDownsides notwithstanding, this could be a big media move for Edwards: if he is seen, on camera, holding one of his babies or toddlers and then he tells them he loves them- that would go a long way in cooling down the media and those pesky women, at least until the playoffs are over.\n\nIn our opinion Edwards should make this move sooner rather than later, although right now the most important thing for the young star is to focus on leading his team through the Western Conference Finals against the winner of the Nuggets/Thunder series, and punching the Timberwolves’ ticket to the 2025 NBA Finals.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/anthony-edwards-should-just-go-for-it-and-tell-his-children-he-loves-them/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004598.jpg",
      "tweet": "Anthony Edwards should just go for it and tell his children he loves them. Some people don't like their children. Others...straight up hate them."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "White South African Refugees to Join BYU Men's Basketball Team",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"White South African Refugees to Join BYU Men's Basketball Team\"\ndescription = \"The team was excited to finally have some diversity. But the White South African Refugees to the US refuse to join.\"\ndate = \"2025-05-15T13:15:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: White South African refugees to join BYU men's basketball team. The team was excited to finally have some diversity. #NBA #NCAA\"\nimage_source = \"lemming.creativecommons.org\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage = \"byu-mens-basketball-crying.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSALT LAKE CITY, UTAH -- Freshly off Ellis Island and with their new American names, \"John Smith\", \"Malachi Johnson\", and \"Dave Nbusters\" have officially joined the BYU men's basketball team. Coach Keven Young (yes, that is actually the real name of the BYU men's basketball coach in 2025 we didn't make this part up) is excited to welcome the newcomers.\n\n\"We've needed some diversity on this team for quite some time\", he says in a recent interview.\n\nWe quizzled Grok, the semi-sentient AI trained by billionaire of South African origin Elon Musk, about this development. There have been claims that it has been overtrained by information booklets about a genocide in the region. When prompted it claimed it had no idea about the subject, that it wasn't recently fed with a few hundred man hours of reading materials, and that you should make your opinions based on your own experiences. An interesting and frankly unexpected response.\n\nWe're excited to track the newcomer's stats this season and will be watching closely at their gameplay. However their refusal to share the court with players of Asiatic descent is concerning and does not bode well for the season.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/white-south-african-refugees-to-join-byu-mens-basketball-team/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/byu-mens-basketball-crying.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: White South African refugees to join BYU men's basketball team. The team was excited to finally have some diversity. #NBA #NCAA"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted Family Secret",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted Family Secret\"\ndescription = \"Twists and turns you would never guess! Tyrese Haliburton Discovers Dark And Twisted famiily secret involving the Kennedys.\"\ndate = \"2025-06-05T11:49:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: Tyrese Haliburton discovers dark and twisted family secret. It involves the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and more. #NBA\"\nimage = \"1000004714.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"Https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\n_Oh no!_\n\nOKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – The NBA Finals are finally here, and this year features a thrilling matchup of two young teams eager to win their first championship: The Oklahoma City Thunder, led by league MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and The Indiana Pacers, led by the intrepid Tyrese Haliburton. The Thunder haven’t won a championship since 1979 when the team was still in Seattle, and the Pacers have only one failed Finals run to their names. With these franchises hungry for a title and so many up-and-coming players new to this level of the game, the stage is set for a historic and exhilarating Finals series and it all begins at 5:30 tomorrow with tip-off at Paycom Center in downtown Oklahoma City.\n\nBut Tyrese Haliburton’s mind may be elsewhere.\n\nHaliburton told 5QS reporters late tonight that he had just learned of a dark and terrible secret about his family- a twisted tale of feuds, conspiracies, betrayal, and romance that stretches across his family tree for generations.\n\nThe 25-year-old says the true story of his family was revealed to him earlier tonight by a relative he had believed to be dead when they suddenly opened the sliding door to his hotel balcony and stepped out into the cool night air to greet him, a mere 19 hours before the start of Game 1 of The NBA Finals.\n\nThis raises immediate and obvious questions about Haliburton’s fitness to play in these crucial Finals games. When we spoke to the ECF Champion at the hotel bar he appeared to be deeply shaken by the story he had heard, which he described as an epic prologue of tragedy, triumph, and the cyclical missteps of man.\n\nWhat is Tyrese going to do?! This would be a lot for anyone to process, let alone someone who is making their Finals debut _tomorrow_.\n\nWhat if tomorrow night the Pacers are down by 1 with 8 seconds left in the game and Tyrese has the ball but all he can think about is how deep the betrayal runs!?\n\nNow that he knows the man who raised him is not his real father, will he still be able to make dagger threes in the fourth quarter like he’s done all season?\n\nWill he be distracted by his family cheering for him from the sidelines, knowing that they have stolen his inheritance and made him live a lie??\n\nIt’s a lot to take in, and there are a million questions that Tyrese will want answered.\n\nAdditionally, the young star now has actions he can take, choices he must make; yet, Tyrese knows that getting involved may cost him not just his Mamba Mentality, but his life.\n\nIf even half of the story is true, being one of the few living people who knows the secret will put a target on his back, both from family members and from the law.\n\nThen again, Haliburton himself may now be out for blood. Lord knows he’d be within his rights. But no matter how bad he wants to see justice done, right now he has a responsibility to his team and his fans to be totally locked in for The Finals.\n\nBut is Tyrese going to be _ready???_\n\nAnd now that he knows one of the players on the Thunder is actually his biological brother but they don’t know it, will he be able to guard that player, or drive on him when the Pacers really need a basket in crunch time??\n\nWhen we spoke to Tyrese he said he was ready for the game and the news he received wouldn’t affect his performance, but he gravely acknowledged there was a lot to think about.\n\nHe said he couldn’t go into any details, but it seems to this reporter that Tyrese’s entire extended family has lied to him about his identity and the nature of his conception, possibly so as to cut him out of inheritance money from the diamond mine in the Congo that brought vast wealth to his mother’s side of the family and financed the early criminal activities of his father’s side, but possibly also to keep him in the dark about both family’s ties to the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and Singapore, or about the escalating violence that has taken the lives of dozens of relatives on both sides and that served as the backdrop for the forbidden romance of his mother and his real father, who has recently gone missing. The plot to deceive Tyrese was likely orchestrated by his great grandmother who is living to an unusual age and by his disfigured uncle who inherited the deed to the diamond mine after the mysterious death of his able-bodied brother but later lost it to the dangerous madam of a Grecian brothel who was herself a client of Tyrese’s paternal grandfather’s criminal conglomerate and helped assure their safe passage to America and expansion into competitive markets. The deed lost, a group of Tyrese’s mother’s siblings and cousins, most of which had disappeared from society, would later arrange the believable death of the dangerous madam’s daughter, by then the holder of the deed to the diamond mine deep in the Congo, and grant ownership to the eldest living cousin, John, who had the next in line cousin sent to a sanatorium where she would stay until her unbelievable death and where she met the imposter that would later pretend to be Tyrese’s father, all while his mother conspired with Tyrese’s real father on the side for machinations that are yet unknown and personally set out to eliminate any threats to her inheritance and to destroy the last remaining sperm samples of Tyrese’s real father and the imposter.\n\nAnd The Finals are _tomorrow!_\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/tyrese-haliburton-discovers-dark-and-twisted-family-secret-on-the-eve-of-game-1-of-the-nba-finals/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000004714.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: Tyrese Haliburton discovers dark and twisted family secret. It involves the Kennedys, Lockheed-Martin, and more. #NBA"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams\"\ndescription = \"The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its Sports Teams\"\ndate = \"2025-06-27T05:27:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its #WMBA Sports Team\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.timesheraldonline.com/2025/05/08/golden-state-valkyries-make-an-impact-to-solano-county-ballers/\"\nimage = \"valkyries.jpg\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nOAKLAND, California – The Golden State Valkyries are tearing it up in their inaugural season as part of the WNBA’s latest expansion and showing plenty of promise as the newest pro sports team in the San Francisco Bay Area.\n\nAnd even amidst their excitement, the Valkyries players continue to show a stunning sensitivity to how this is actually a dark and desperate time for Bay Area sports fans, owing to the recent departure of some of the region’s most beloved franchises.\n\nThe 49ers moving their stadium to Santa Clara, and the Warriors bailing across the bay to San Francisco- those were both betrayals. But the first true gut punch was when the Raiders completely abandoned Oakland and moved away to become The *Las Vegas* Raiders.\n\nAnd now the Oakland Athletics, \\*\\*historic and iconic franchise of the East Bay\\*\\* after years and years of agonizing back-and-forths and heartlessly toying with their fanbase, the A’s are finally, officially, leaving the Bay. And they’re *also* moving to Vegas- but for the next three years until their stadium is built, they’re playing their games in, of all places, *Sacramento?!*\n\nThese are the kinds of frustrations you will hear whispered or shouted in sports bars and social gatherings across the Bay Area, and usually somewhere behind the people talking is a Valkyries player nodding with a blank expression.\n\nIf they’re having this conversation at a park with a large open field, then sometimes there are two Valkyries players nodding in the background, and usually behind them is a Bay FC player raising her arms and yelling, but she’s way over on the other end of the field.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-golden-state-valkyries-nod-in-silence-as-the-bay-area-mourns-the-loss-of-its-sports-teams/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/valkyries.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Golden State Valkyries Nod In Silence As The Bay Area Mourns The Loss Of Its #WMBA Sports Team"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "BREAKING: Cooper Flagg Passed Up Offer For Secretary Of Defense To Join NBA Draft",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"BREAKING: Cooper Flagg Passed Up Offer For Secretary Of Defense To Join NBA Draft\"\ndescription = \"Cooper Flagg passed up a massive offer from the White House for Secretary of War to join the Mavericks. Is it paying off?\"\ndate = \"2025-07-20T14:13:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Cooper Flagg passed up a massive offer from the White House for Secretary of War to join the #Mavericks. Is it paying off?\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.dukebasketballreport.com/2025/7/3/24460553/cooper-flagg-dallas-mavericks-duke-basketball-jermaine-o-neal-dwight-howard-nba-rookie-brownie-james\"\nimage = \"cooper-flag-white-house.jpeg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nWASHINGTON, D.C. – Three weeks after 18-year-old Cooper Flagg was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks as the first overall pick in the 2025 NBA Draft, the promising young star let it slip that he had recently passed up an offer from President Donald Trump to become the next Secretary of Defense, the highest executive position over the United States Armed Forces.\n\nIn a conversation he hoped would stay between us, Flagg said President Trump personally gave him an open invitation to take the role earlier this year.\n\n“It was over the phone, and it was short. He didn’t really offer me the job like right then, he just said ‘whenever we’re done with [Secretary of Defense] Pete [Hegseth].’”\n\nFlagg explained that he had strongly considered taking the job but was worried it would conflict with his dreams of becoming a professional basketball player.\n\nAsked to comment, President Trump said, “Cooper Flagg, what a name. I think it sounds like America winning a great big battle for our beautiful country. And he’s kind of like Larry Bird, we love Larry Bird.”\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-cooper-flagg-passed-up-offer-for-secretary-of-defense-to-join-nba-draft/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/cooper-flag-white-house.jpeg",
      "tweet": "Cooper Flagg passed up a massive offer from the White House for Secretary of War to join the #Mavericks. Is it paying off?"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest\"\ndescription = \"Long live the King. LeBron James was caught up in the NoKings protest after Chauncey Billups and Terry Rozier were arrested.\"\ndate = \"2025-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest. This does NOT mean the #NBA is rigged AT ALL. Especially after the 2002 Western Converence Finals.\"\nimage = \"bron-crown-edit.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Wait, you're telling me the NBA is rigged? Can't be. Not after the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals. Not after the physical existence of Scott Foster since birth. It is 2025, the Mafia doesn't even exist anymore.\n\nThis reads like a David Baldacci, complete with X-Ray machines, on-going blackmail, threats of violence and more.\n\nThe thing is that Bron is CLEAN. No controversies. Those women-of-the-night that Drake hooked him up with? Good clean fun, they went to lazer tag. Mims and Alexander? They were getting their pump on while Bron turned the other cheek. Bronny? A star athlete who deserves to be in the NBA.\n\nSo what does the radical woke left do? They get paid by Soros and protest as always. Now they're swarming the Crypto Arena, hungry for blood. They're chanting \"No Kings\", \"Bring the Lakers back to Minnesota\", and they're calling for the Mike Pence treatment of Scott Foster.\n\nAdam Silver says that there are good people on both sides of this.\n\nAnd we do not agree.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/lebron-james-caught-up-in-nokings-protests-after-billups-rozier-arrest/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/bron-crown-edit.jpg",
      "tweet": "LeBron James caught up in #NoKings protests after Billups, Rozier arrest. This does NOT mean the #NBA is rigged AT ALL. Especially after the 2002 Western Converence Finals."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Kings GM Scott Perry is Playing Chess, Too Bad This is Basketball. How The Kings Will Rebuild in 2026",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Kings GM Scott Perry is Playing Chess, Too Bad This is Basketball. How The Kings Will Rebuild in 2026\"\ndescription = \"Much like the Phoenix the Kings first need to burn before they can rise from their ashes. Sacramento's GM Scott Perry is playing chess sadly this is basketball.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-25T10:24:00.000-05:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#Kings GM Scott Perry is playing chess, too bad this is basketball. How Sacramento will rebuild in 2026 by first destroying everything.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.profootballnetwork.com/nba/kings-untouchable-trade-talks-domantas-sabonis-zach-lavine/\"\nimage = \"1000006581.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- Much like the phoenix rising from the ashes, to rebuild you must first tear it down.\n\nScott Perry is a strategic genius, some say the Winston Churchill of Sacramento. And much like the bombing of Coventry, where the British decoded the German's encrypted attack plans, he must let the bombs fall lest he accidentally show his hand too early.\n\nThat means, tank the rest of the season until the Feburary trade deadline to better position themselves. DeRozan, LeVine, and most recent Sabonis are up for grabs. They have 1 first round 2026 spot and 2 second rounds. This is the foundation of the house which they are about to build.\n\nSabonis is recently up after Perry made a masterful play of accident barging in on a nude Sabonis with Ranadivé in tow.  The resulting embarrassment has given Perry another pawn in his grand scheme.\n\nFolks here it is. LaVine and DeRozan to the increasingly desperate Mavericks 2026 spot, and Sabonis to the Warriors for their first round 2026 spot.\n\nCheck, mate. In 5 years the King doggies will be mid again, and balance will be returned to the force.\n\nTake this with a grain of salt, I can't even win a 1x1 game of Monopoly against my 8 year old nephew. While my eye for strategy is dull, this looks like a no brainer. I don't care if this violates the Stepien rule unless the Kings also trade one of their 2027 and 2028 slots to each respective team.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/kings-gm-scott-perry-is-playing-chess-too-bad-this-is-basketball-how-the-kings-will-rebuild-in-2026/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000006581.jpg",
      "tweet": "#Kings GM Scott Perry is playing chess, too bad this is basketball. How Sacramento will rebuild in 2026 by first destroying everything."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "The False Narrative That The Kings Should Trade Zach LaVine is Spread By Russian Bots and Troll Farms",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The False Narrative That The Kings Should Trade Zach LaVine is Spread By Russian Bots and Troll Farms\"\ndescription = \"The Sacramento Kings will not trade LaVine. Those who are pushing the narrative on social media and network television are funded by Russia oligarchs.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-28T18:02:00.000-05:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"It's unlikely that the Kings will trade LaVine. Anyone who is pushing this narrative on both social media and network television is funded by Russia disinformation campaigns. These people have vested interests in the domise of the #Kings.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.si.com/nba/kings/onsi/sacramento-kings-news/kings-gm-scott-perry-shares-strong-advice-but-is-the-team-listening\"\nimage = \"1000006717.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- I will not be disingenuous when I say that the Sacramento Kings are unlikely to trade Zach LaVine in the near term. I can't speak for long term, I refuse to speculate. What I can say with absolute certainty is that those who suggest this trade happening in both the online space as well as the Lame Stream News have direct ties to Russian funding, and further US techo-oligarchs who have a deep vested interest in the fall of this great franchise.\n\nFirst and foremost of the offenders is Legion Hoops. This vitrolic account spews not only hate, but lies as well. Funded by the Kremlin directly, one must take any reporting from this account with a healthy pinch of halcite. Their over reporting of LaVine's trade shows just how far they will go to sow seeds of descent. This lead was picked up and investigated by our very own Lane: The Bro, now more commonly known as Daddy Dumbass.\n\nNext up is KingsMuse. While is different to find their direct accusations against LaVine's future, the general tone and statistical reporting paint a different picture entirely. We have it on good information that they are funded by Peter Thiel himself. Whichs absolutely tracks.\n\nFinally, the curve ball. The Kremlin actually activated a sleeper operative to get LaVine to crack. [This \"fan\" dropped hateful words on our King mid game](https://heavy.com/sports/nba/sacramento-kings/fan-calls-out-zach-lavine/). How low will they stoop? This is a near assassination attempt. Luckily this operative was neutralised by security before he could ruin the vibes further.\n\nStay vigilant with your news sources. Check the facts and more importantly the funding. And finally remember, the only disinformation that you can trust is from 5thQuarterSports.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/the-false-narrative-that-the-kings-should-trade-zach-lavine-is-spread-by-russian-bots-and-troll-farms/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000006717.jpg",
      "tweet": "It's unlikely that the Kings will trade LaVine. Anyone who is pushing this narrative on both social media and network television is funded by Russia disinformation campaigns. These people have vested interests in the domise of the #Kings."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Clippers released Chris Paul because he stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Clippers released Chris Paul because he stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney\"\ndescription = \"In a wild turn of events it was reported that on December 1st, 2025 CP3 stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney after an intense verbal argument.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-03T18:45:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: In a wild turn of events it was reported that on December 1st, 2025 former #Clippers player CP3 stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney after an intense verbal argument.\"\nimage = \"chris_paul_kidneys.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- In a wild turn of events it was reported that on December 1st, 2025 CP3 stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney after an intense verbal argument. At first it started with a mild disagreement with Paul becoming more and more heated, eventually going off. As the argument continue to come to a head Tyronn Lue attempted to hold Paul back from his mounting rage. But, as Paul's tirade was reaching it's crescendo, Lue realized that Paul was making good arguments. He was claiming that the Clipper's staff didn't care, the players are sloppy, addicted to losing, allergic to winning. That the coaching staff was top notch but could not accomplish their mission. That Shrek the Third was the best in the series, and that Nicolas Cage's National Treasure 2 was NOT as good as the first National Treasure.\n\nAs Paul's words penetrated Lue's psyche, he changed sides at the last minute. He momentarily left the Clippers in spirit himself, Animorphed from coach to power forward, and grabbed Frank's arms behind his back. Then, he committed a flagrant foul, moving Frank into a Full Nelson. Turns out Frank has an active interest in John Cena's upcoming last match and has been catching up on Monday Night RAW. He considered setting up for a German Suplex, then decided against it. Ivica Zubac entered the room temporarily, then quickly left. He did not alert the authorities.\n\nThen Pual began shadow boxing Lue's ribs. Playful punches then turned into a extended boxing conditioning session. Then: the stabbing began. Lue flipped Frank around, then Paul begin the rapid attack, using a screwdriver that the hotel maintenance had left earlier that day. It was at this point Lue became a bit freaked out and totally not down with the situation. He tossed Frank to the side, and confronted Paul. He looked him square in the face, then told him to go run drills in the gym. They then left Frank's hotel room, and then went to the Clipper's gym. Suicide sprints commenced, followed by jumping exercises, and they wrapped up with a strength training routine consisting of the 5x5 core lifts.\n\nThe next day the Clippers released Paul, citing his recent behavior.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/breaking-clippers-released-chris-paul-because-he-stabbed-lawrence-frank-in-the-kidney/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/chris_paul_kidneys.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: In a wild turn of events it was reported that on December 1st, 2025 former #Clippers player CP3 stabbed Lawrence Frank in the kidney after an intense verbal argument."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Extra Cheese, No Cap: Inside the Sacramento Kings’ Alleged Pizza Guys Payroll Scandal",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Extra Cheese, No Cap: Inside the Sacramento Kings’ Alleged Pizza Guys Payroll Scandal\"\ndescription = \"5th Quarter Sports investigates he Sacramento Kings use of the Pizza Guys franchise as a way to circumvent the NBA salary cap.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-09T14:50:00.000-06:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: 5th Quarter Sports investigates he Sacramento #Kings use of the Pizza Guys franchise as a way to circumvent the #NBA salary cap.\"\nimage_source = \"Https://5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nimage = \"1000006998.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nOn a gray Wednesday morning in Midtown Sacramento, the quiet hum of the Kings practice facility breaks only for sneakers squeaking and the faint smell of tomato sauce. Inside, a team that once described itself as “redefining competence” may have redefined something else entirely: how to weaponize local pizza sponsorships to navigate the NBA salary cap.  \n\n\nOver the past three months, Our top 5th Quarter investigative journalist has conducted interviews with more than a dozen figures connected to the Sacramento Kings, the Pizza Guys franchise network, and the league office. What emerged is a story as absurd as it is meticulously engineered, a quasi-legal payment structure that funneled millions of dollars through what one former staffer called “the greasiest” shell company in NBA history. We initially tried to send this scoop to ESPN’s Pablo Torre but he declined stating, “no one gives a shit about the Kings”\n\n\n## The Slice Ledger\n\n\nThe story begins with an email.  \n\n\nIn April, amid tense negotiations over Malik Monk’s potential extension, a junior analyst inside the Kings’ finance department noticed a peculiar budget line item: “Player Engagement - Meal Partnerships.” The annual figure? $12,784,000. Coincidentally, the exact same number as the remaining space under Sacramento’s luxury tax line.  \n\n\nThree weeks later, Pizza Guys a beloved local chain and longtime Kings sponsor unveiled “The Bonus Box,” a promotion allowing fans to win pizza discounts when players hit certain stat benchmarks. The fine print? The promotion was underwritten by “performance-based compensation agreements” with unnamed “brand ambassadors.”\n\n\nAccording to internal documents obtained by our 5th Quarter legal team, those ambassadors were the players themselves.  \n\n\n“Every three assists, Russel Westbrook got a ‘Pizza Pass Dividend.’ Every double-double, Sabonis earned ‘Crust Credit,’” said one front-office source. “It looked stupid on paper. But it looked  almost cap compliant which is scary honestly.”\n\n\n## The Whistleblower\n\n\nThe operation might have gone unnoticed if not for a small act of digital vanity. Niques Clifford posted to his Instagram story a photo of himself delivering Pizza Guys boxes to teammates, each box stamped *CONFIDENTIAL- BONUS ENCLOSED.* He deleted the post minutes later, but screenshots spread quickly across NBA Reddit under the thread “Are the Kings paying players in cash and calzones?”\n\n\nA Pizza Guys shift manager at the Elk Grove location confirmed to our 5th Quarter correspondent on scene that the company had been “handling grease-stained envelopes that definitely didn’t smell like receipts.”  \n\n\n “We’d get calls from a guy named Scott Perry from ‘Cap Compliance’ placing orders for ‘team eats,’” the manager said. “It was always $250,000 even. Nobody tips like that.”\n\n\n## The Denials\n\n\nKings owner Vivek Ranadive dismissed the allegations as “a misunderstanding born of our deep commitment to community partnerships and artisanal carbs.” Asked whether Pizza Guys executives sat in on salary negotiations, Ranadive paused.  \n\n\n “I mean, sure, there were boxes in the room. Pizza brings people together.”  \n\n\nThough the league has yet to issue formal penalties, multiple officials inside the NBA’s Cap Enforcement Division an entity one source described as “the IRS, but with less vibes” have confirmed that Sacramento’s financial filings are under review.  \n\n\nWe reached out to NBA commissioner Adam Silver for comment and but his only response was “no comment’ he exclaimed in a reptilian hiss. \n\n\nAccording to those sources, auditors discovered hundreds of invoices labeled “Pepeoroni (AAV Adjustment)” and “Crust Depth Analysis (Luxury Threshold Offset).” “Extra garlic performance incentives”\n\n\n## The Fallout\n\n\nPrivately, rival executives are furious. One termed it “Silicon Valley salary laundering with mozzarella” “At least the Clippers planted a few trees!” \n\n\n“Look, if Adam Silver doesn’t stop this,” one Western GM said, “The Lakers are  going to start paying Luka through Mcdonald’s  Monopoly points.”  \n\n\nAs for the players, few seem fazed. A team veteran on condition of anonymity said, *“Look, man, money’s money. If half my check comes in the shape of a medium Meat Lovers, who cares? We’re 11-3 at home.”*  \n\n\nThe Pizza Guys corporate office declined multiple interview requests, releasing only a two-word statement crafted by their 19 year old intern on X (formerly Twitter):  \n “No Cap.”  \n\n\n## The Bigger Picture\n\n\nIn a league obsessed with creativity on and off the court, Sacramento’s alleged pizza payroll might be its most inadvertently poetic act. For a franchise once defined by dysfunction, the Kings found a way to turn it into a brand strategy — one slice at a time.  \n\n\nBack at practice, as Malik Monk jokes with teammates near a stack of fresh boxes stamped *“Pizza Guys x Kings: The Official Partner of Fair Compensation”*, the room fills with laughter and the smell of warm dough and plausible deniability.  \n\n\nBecause in Sacramento, the dream isn’t just to win. It’s to get paid in pie while doing it.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/extra-cheese-no-cap-inside-the-sacramento-kings-alleged-pizza-guys-payroll-scandal/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/1000006998.png",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: 5th Quarter Sports investigates he Sacramento #Kings use of the Pizza Guys franchise as a way to circumvent the #NBA salary cap."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "76ers star Embiid fined $50K for whispering \"6 7\" during Knicks game",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"76ers star Embiid fined $50K for whispering \\\"6 7\\\" during Knicks game\"\ndescription = \"Joel Embiid, star of the 76ers has been fined for being a meme-lord and dropping 6 7 after sinking a 3 pointer in the Knicks game.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-19T13:42:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"#76ers star and apperent meme-lord Joel Embiid was fined a historic amount for dropping the 6-7 during the game against the Boston Celtics. #NBA\"\nimage = \"embiid_fine.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nPHILADELPHIA -- In a shocking turn of events the NBA has issued a totally reasonable and not bullshit fine against a player. 76ers star and recently outed meme-lord Embiid wrapped up his game against the Knicks by whispering a quick 6-7 on the kicks. He then flossed, teabagged Lucky the Leprechaun, and then headed to the lockerroom.\n\nIs it absurd that the NBA has issued this fine? No, of course not. They're embroiled in a gambling scandal that runs deep within the organization. Embiid is the sacrificial lamb to get some of the heat off. The more that they conflate regular behavior with fine-able offenses the more \"just\" and \"moral\" they will see.\n\nThis is the beginning of a dark crack-down to avoid a devastating truth from being leaked. Next up? The NBA is going to shut down. Refs will call out sick en-masse as their not getting paid (bribed).\n\nWe get that on-court celebrations can get a bit heated. But a $50k fine for being hilarious and relatable to the youth is unfounded. We pray that Adam Silver changes his mind and reverses this one.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/basketball/76ers-star-embiid-fined-50k-for-dropping-the-6-7/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/embiid_fine.jpg",
      "tweet": "#76ers star and apperent meme-lord Joel Embiid was fined a historic amount for dropping the 6-7 during the game against the Boston Celtics. #NBA"
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  {
      "title": "Cleveland Indians Announce New Name: Cincinnati Indians",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Cleveland Indians Announce New Name: Cincinnati Indians\"\ndescription = \"Cleveland Indians Announce New Name: Cincinnati Indians. Well, it was close to becoming not offensive.\"\ndate = 2021-01-25T04:00:05.080Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Cleveland #Indians consider a less offensive name. On the table: Cincinnati Indians.\"\nimage = \"cleveland-indians-cicinnati.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.wkyc.com/article/sports/mlb/indians/cleveland-indians-to-unveil-new-uniform-option-uniform-updates-for-2019/95-615174046\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nCINCINNATI, OHIO - Well, it has been a long time coming. Various teams have been under fire for years regarding offensive names, based around racial stereotypes. Some have made the choice to change to less charged names, such as the Washington Football Team. Now the time has come for the Cleveland Indians to make the change.\n\nThe origin of their name dates back to 1901. Was Andrew Jackson President during the formation of the team? This author failed 7th grade history class, so we cannot confirm or deny who was President of the United States at that time. Regardless, the oppressed have stood up. We congratulate the good denizens of Cleveland to move past the stereotypes of yesteryear.\n\nWe all know what the fine people of Cleveland are all about, and it isn’t the stereotype of the 2017 season. The people of Cleveland stand behind what they have always stood for. They stand behind what they support. They will stand behind their believed Browns, and that is a fact of life. The tremendous winning streak of 2017 will no longer haunt their past.\n\nDo we here at fifth quarter sports look down at those of Cincinnati for keeping the worst part of the name? Yes, in fact we do. There are many, many names that could have been chosen. We support the plight of the Native Americans, and will do all in our power to stand behind a proper name change.\n\nThe most egregious part of this saga is that the Cincinnati Indians will remain in Cleveland.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/cleveland-indians-announce-new-name-cincinnati-indians/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/cleveland-indians-cicinnati.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Cleveland #Indians consider a less offensive name. On the table: Cincinnati Indians."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Oracle Park To Be Renamed: Salesforce Park",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Oracle Park To Be Renamed: Salesforce Park\"\ndescription = \"They're changing the Ssan Francisco Giants park name. Again. From Oracle Park to Salesforce Park. Thanks, Larry Ellison\"\ndate = 2021-01-28T21:14:09.805Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"They're changing the San Francisco #Giants home park name to Salesforce Park.\"\nimage_source = \"https://unsplash.com/photos/ZAZArjLuclQ\"\nimage = \"oracle-park-salesforce.jpeg\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, CA - Mayor London Breed is PISSED. This time, it isn’t due to those special cheques from the contractors who are working on ‘beautifying’ Van Ness on a weekly basis being late. This time it's all because of that walking wax statue Larry Ellison. When the news struck that Oracle was moving to Texas, that was the straw that tore the camel’s back. The second to last was purchasing [Sun Microsystems to just sue Google](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Google_LLC_v._Oracle_America,_Inc.), but that is besides the point.\n\nA person gets to be the fallback when they [build 25 children’s hospitals](https://www.childrenshospitaloakland.org/main/home.aspx) in the area. Thanks, Benioff. But you better watch yourself, mister. You’re in the hot seat now.\n\nThe stadium is planned to be built atop of a structure that rivals even the [Burj Khalifa](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burj_Khalifa), specially built so those proud Americans aboard the ISS can watch a game or two. Is it opulent? Yes, however you can already see the curvature of the earth from atop the Salesforce tower, so there is at least some prior art.\n\nChanges to the team are on the way to. A team color change is on the roster, out with the orange and black, in with the Salesforce blue and white. The ‘christening’ of the Park is already planned. Benioff will start opening day by clubbing Lou the Seal and turning Crazy Crab into some Crazy Cioppino. Those two are ‘outta here’ (I am sorry). In comes a cast of weird, cartoonish, anthropomorphic raccoons. How cute and cozy.\n\nUs at 5thQuarterSports are excited to see you on Opening Day!\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/oracle-park-to-be-renamed-salesforce-park/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/oracle-park-salesforce.jpeg",
      "tweet": "They're changing the San Francisco #Giants home park name to Salesforce Park."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Tommy John Surgery Saved My Craps Career",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Tommy John Surgery Saved My Craps Career\"\ndescription = \"I tore my tendon at the table trying to win big. Now I'm back a second time, with vengence. Tommy John surgery has saved my craps career.\"\ndate = 2021-03-03T20:53:09.131Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Tommy John surgery saved my craps career. Sweet Jesus, it feels good to be back at the tables.\"\nauthor = \"mello\"\nimage_source = \"https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1517232115160-ff93364542dd?ixid=MXwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHw%3D&ixlib=rb-1.2.1&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1266&q=80\"\nimage = \"craps-tommy-john.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Sweat poured down my face. People screaming left, right, and center. In my ear, in my face. “7” I whispered to myself, “7 baybee”. I cocked my hand back. Took a deep breath. I unleashed terror on the table. Blinding pain. Searing, deep hurt. The speed clock to my right reads 85 MPH. Not bad. I’m on my knees, cradling my elbow. Dear God in heaven, don’t let my poor form be the thing that brings down the greatest to ever grace this felt table.\n\nThe doctor says I need surgery. They will have to rip out a different tendon and throw it on my elbow if I ever want to even blow on dice again. I tell them to take my achilles tendon from my left leg, I don’t need it any more. The doctor looks at me, blankly. He whispers if I have mental deficiencies. I nod, and say I put 50K down on $GME. He just nodded in understanding.\n\n“We can’t fix that,” he says, “but we’ll get you back on the floor in no time.”\n\nI ask him what the surgery is called. He says Tommy John Surgery.\n\n“Isn’t that for, like, baseball players?” I ask\n\n“Well, it is a general reconstructive surgery,” he replies, “Anyone can get it, really. Hell, I had Shooter McGavin in here three weeks ago looking for something similar. Golfers, baseball players, oil rig workers, now craps players. I’ve seen them all. It is a miraculous procedure, trust me!”\n\nI threaten his family if it is unsuccessful. He nods in agreement.\n\nTwo weeks later I’m clocking 65 at the table. Not too shabby, but less flare brings less crowds. I may not be the legend I was before. But I can still toss them.\n",
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      "image_location": "public/image/article/craps-tommy-john.jpg",
      "tweet": "Tommy John surgery saved my craps career. Sweet Jesus, it feels good to be back at the tables."
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  {
      "title": "7 Children Become Orphans After Giant's Win at LA",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"7 Children Become Orphans After Giant's Win at LA\"\ndescription = \"The ritualistic killing of Giant's fans by Doger's fans needs to STOP. 7 more Bay Area children have become orphans after recent Giants win.\"\ndate = 2021-07-23T06:48:47.758Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"7 more children become orphans after #Giants beat the #Dodgers. When will it stop?\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.sfgate.com/giants/article/NBC-is-trying-out-a-funky-broadcasting-16250092.php\"\nimage = \"giants_dodgers_murder.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO, CA -- [It is that fateful day in 2003 all over again](http://www.espn.com/espn/wire/_/id/1625187). Look, some people are predisposed to fits of rage. We get it. I’ve thrown a PS5 controller at a brand new OLED screen fresh from the Costco lot, like anyone else has. However, when it comes to murdering the fans of the opposing team, that is where 5thQuarterSports draws the line.\n\nIf this happens once, it is a fluke. Twice, coincidence and not causation. If the Dodgers fan murder a Giants fan in cold blood for a third through tenth time in one sitting, well then, that is where we draw the line. Lining Giants fans up, execution style, and nestling lead deep within their gray matter just is not right. Especially when done in front of their crying children. Some things are sacred. Baseball for one, family for two (just ask Vin Diesel).\n\nOffing fans is one thing, however players are a different matter entirely. We are actively rooting for the ancient Aztec sport of [Ōllamalitzli](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesoamerican_ballgame) to make a return. Yes, it is dark. Think about this though, the players are conscripted into playing. It is their necks at the chopping block, literally. If one loses, one becomes the ball. It is the circle of life, as Huitzilopochtli desires.\n\nRegardless, 5thQuarterSports advocates for less death during sporting events. It just makes it dark. Come on.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/7-children-become-orphans-after-giants-win-at-la/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/giants_dodgers_murder.jpg",
      "tweet": "7 more children become orphans after #Giants beat the #Dodgers. When will it stop?"
    }
    
  
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  {
      "title": "An Unbiased Ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"An Unbiased Ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums\"\ndescription = \"Spoiler, there might be some bias.\"\ndate = 2021-10-01T02:54:54.526Z\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"A mostly unbiased ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums by someone who has been to all of them.\"\nauthor = \"5thq_ginger\"\nimage = \"mlb_stadiums_ranked.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"https://i.ytimg.com/vi/WGdx-BciJhM/maxresdefault.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nExtremely sick brag, I completed my conquest of all 30 MLB Stadiums on 9/24/2021 at the ripe old age of 26 years and 86 days. I went to my first ever game at 3 days old (allegedly) so that means it took me 26 years and 83 days to accomplish a feat many talk about with their dads when they are younger but aren’t committed enough to complete.\nWith all of that, below is my unbiased ranking of all 30 MLB stadiums. I write this from the point of view of a Red Sox fan. I also grew up 10 minutes from Angel Stadium so I am an Angels fan and that is the stadium I have been to far more than any other. These rankings take into consideration a few things:\n\n1. The inside feel and view of the stadium. The first thing I do at a new stadium is take a lap all the way around the main concourse\n2. Concessions\n3. Friendliness of the staff\n4. The area surrounding the stadium\n5. The impact of the home fans on the game\n\n# 30. Oakland Coliseum\nAlright so this should be pretty obvious. Even if you haven’t been to this dump, you can tell from TV it is terrible. The only redeeming quality is that you can buy a $5 ticket and then sit wherever you want because they prefer people to sit closer to make it look like there are more fans there. Even the suites here are awful.\n\n_Top memory_: Presenting the 2021 Lou Gehrig Memorial Award to Stephen Piscotty\n\n# 29. loanDepot Park\nBest part of the stadium is the bobblehead collection in center field and the view of downtown Miami in the far far far distance in left. Brings me to my first point. The location is terrible. Just bad. The bobbleheads are actually kind of impressive. Another stadium where it doesn’t really matter where your tickets are because you can just sit anywhere. The Marlins wore their red city connect jerseys when I was there so that was cool. Probably the best city connect jerseys put out this year. But yeah, bad stadium. I don’t like that you start outside at field level, then have to go up to the concourse, and then back down to your seats. Weird. PRO – They give you a button for your first game at the stadium instead of just one of those certificates AND they have a special button if it is your 30th stadium. It was my 28th stadium but they gave me both buttons anyway because I asked nicely and I am a simp for a cool button.\n\n_Top memory_: Met this dude who was allegedly a sniper in the Secret Service and he too was visiting all 30 stadiums\n\n# 28. Guaranteed Rate Field\nBought a $30 ticket and sat row one behind the visitor’s dugout. That was cool. And that’s all I have good to say about the stadium. By far the rudest staff of any stadium I visited. Also when you get off the train you have a long walk that was made worse on the way back because it was pouring rain and while the rain isn’t the White Sox fault, I hold them accountable for how far back to the train it was. And the entrance I went in doesn’t look like an entrance. It's across the street and then you walk over a bridge. Wild. Also, the stadium is just plain and the coolest part is a bunch of candy on the scoreboard. You have downtown Chicago right there but the stadium is closed off and pointing the wrong direction. Miss.\n\n_Top memory_: Amazing seats for dirt cheap because the White Sox suck. Stadium 3 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.\n\n# 27. Rogers Centre\nRogers Centre is weird. People ask me about it and the first thing that comes out is that it feels like a basketball arena but with a baseball stadium inside. I think a big thing that throws me off too is they have a retractable dome, fine, but it opens up to dead center field whereas I believe all other stadiums with a retractable roof open at an angle usually foul pole to foul pole. I don’t know … just weird to look at. The Marriott hotel in the outfield with views into the stadium is pretty sweet. Good things about Rogers Centre – location is incredible right in downtown Toronto. Also, the concessions fuck. Hard. You can get poutine, Tim Hortons, and they have some pretty dank sandwiches. Allegedly you can bring in outside food but I didn’t try. Unfortunately, the stadium itself sucks but one of my favorite bars in Toronto is close by – The Loose Moose. What a name.\n\n_Top memory_: Poutine in a stadium. Top tier concession.\n\n# 26. Miller Park (Currently American Family Field)\nI went when it was Miller Park (hype) and they have since changed to American Family Field (wtf). One of the coolest things was drinking a Miller Lite at Miller Park. Second coolest is the TGI Friday’s that hangs over the left field wall and is a home run porch. Also, thots and prayers to TGI Friday’s for getting evicted alongside Miller and being replaced by a restaurant called Restaurant To Be Named Later. This is a retractable roof done well with a lot of glass walls not making it feel as inside as it is. Location is terrible. So far from everything. Took the train up from Chicago and then had to Uber and it was all a mess. Stop 2 on 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.\n\n_Top memory_: Bratwurst with sauerkraut and a Miller Lite. Felt like a true Milwaukeean.\n\n# 25. Dodger Stadium\nI’m going to get so much flack for this ranking but I don’t care. I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic and I will not be swayed or bought out of my opinions. The view from the upper deck is pretty good. The outfield had an all you can eat section but I believe they got rid of it. The stadium is old and looks sold but not in the cool way Fenway and Wrigley look old. The incline in the upper level is insanely steep and kind of sketch. Dodger Dogs are garbage. You used to not be able to go to any section you didn’t have a ticket for. Dodger fans are the second worst baseball fans behind Yankee fans. The stadium is on a hill that overlooks LA, which is cool but it is an absolute nightmare trying to get out of the place. And you have an 85% chance of a Dodgers fan trying to fight you.\n\n_Top memory_: Saw Ken Griffey Jr. play at Dodger Stadium\n\n# 24. Yankee Stadium\nOk so I have been to both the old and new Yankee Stadium. They are the exact same thing minus all of the history that came with the old stadium aka the best part about it. It is right off of the subway making getting to the stadium very easy. Except you have to go on the NYC subway so you probably will get stabbed, mugged, or watch a homeless person shit in the corner. Monument park I imagine would be really cool EXCEPT at the old stadium you had to have a ticket not in the bleachers to go. We had bleacher seats. At the new stadium it closes way before the game. There is no reason for it to be closed at all. It is in the outfield, I think it has a net covering for safety, and doesn’t interfere with the game. There is a Hard Rock Café in the stadium (again, simp for pins) but there is no reason for a Hard Rock there. Should be like Milwaukee where you can be there and watch the game. Yankee fans are the worst fans in baseball and if your best concession is a Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog, you lose.\n\n_Top memory_: Went to Old Yankee Stadium with my dad in 2002 so I was 7 and it is my earliest baseball memory at a baseball game\n\n# 23. Angel Stadium\nI wanted this ranking to be so much higher but it just isn’t. If I had to guess, I have probably been to 106 games here. I am pretty confident I’ve hit 100. Could be closer to 150 but that seems like a bit of a stretch. The concessions are bad. They bring in “local” restaurants to have a spot in the stadium but never seem to keep one for longer than a year. “Local” because they are all surrounding cities and not really local. The stadium is old but better than Dodger Stadium because you can move about freely and it isn’t as steep. Love the double decker bullpens in left. Call me a homer but I LOVE the rocks. Fountains and fireworks for homeruns, it is in the shape of an A, but also in the shape of the Matterhorn just like the ride at Disneyland because Disney used to own the team. You lose sight of the field when you walk behind home plate and also in right field. I like to have eyes on the game even when walking around. The location also sucks being in the middle of a gigantic parking lot. The two huge hats in front of the stadium are one of the cooler features of any MLB stadium. Fun fact the hats have a hat size of 649 ½. GIGANTIC. They also have a huge A in the parking lot that lights up to tell fans not at the game that the Angels won and the commentators use the phrase “light that baby up.” Objectively sick line. And the stadium is called The Big A. Also a win.\n\n_Top memory_: 2002 World Series Game 2. Tim Salmon last game. Jered Weaver debut. So many\n\n# 22. Globe Life Field\nNot as bad in person as it looks on Tv. I’m not sure that’s really a compliment but again, the first thing I say when people ask me about it. I was there for the first game ever in this stadium with fans, 2020 NLCS Game 1 and 2. Incredible atmosphere. First game with fans in all of MLB in 2020. People were itching for baseball! From the outside, the stadium looks like a shed from Home Depot. Actually it kind of looks like Home Depot. Just a big box. I like the big glass windows in left opening up the stadium a bit. Texas Live right outside the stadium is a cool pre/post game spot. Admittedly the game I was here for may have pushed this one slightly higher than it should be but it is still in the bottom third of stadiums so whatever.\n\n_Top memory_: First game in the stadium’s history with fans\n\n# 21. Tropicana Field\nMuch better than expected. MUCH. People give this stadium so much shit with many saying it is worse than Oakland. NOT EVEN CLOSE. Very good concessions. Like very good. The short rib grilled cheese is up there on favorite concessions at any stadium. Budweiser braised short rib, cheddar, swiss, Havarti, caramelized onions, horseradish cream, on Texas toast. Yes. Walking around the concourse sucks because you have no eyes on the game except for walking in the outfield. I like the bullpens on the field. I know I’m psychotic, but I like the catwalks. It's fun, unique, and after this stadium goes away will likely never happen again. Shohei (I think?) hit a ball that got stuck on a catwalk. If you’re sitting in right field you can’t see the scoreboard, which sucks. I like when they have another one on the other side. The roof lights up for the national anthem and on homeruns. Sick. The staff was incredible and the fans were into it.\n\n_Top memory_: Wander Franco debut\n\n# 20. Comerica Park\nTo be completely honest, I don’t really remember this stadium. I was uhhh 13ish but we had incredible seats and I didn’t hate it so this ranking felt right. I mean let’s be honest, the middle third is all just a toss up on the order. I like that the home plate dirt is shaped like home plate. I like the strip of dirt from the plate to the mound. Statues of famous players, near other Detroit team stadiums, I like it. Solid average park.\n\n_Top memory_: Sat 7ish rows up from Tigers dugout\n\n# 19. Chase Field\nChase Field was decent. I lucked out and both games I was at, the roof was open. Concessions were pretty good. Gourmet hot dogs, home of the churro dog, and the only stadium I know that has Cold Stone in the stadium. Big step up over Dippin Dots. Sat row 1 down the right field line. Good games. This being my 30th stadium might have helped the ranking a bit but I don’t think so. Good surrounding area and close to downtown Phoenix even though downtown Phoenix kind of blows.\n\n_Top memory_: 30th stadium!\n\n# 18. Citizens Bank Park\nVery very average stadium. Far enough from downtown to be annoying if you aren’t a local but close to all the other sports stadiums and they have a sweet bar out there too for pre/post game. Love that you can walk all the way around the stadium and never lose sight of the game. I liked the double decker bullpen and standing area above. Not a lot great, not a lot bad. It plays.\n_Top memory_: The Liberty Bell sign lights up for homeruns?\n\n# 17. TMobile Park\nSolid stadium. Open roof for both games with a great view of the Seattle downtown and football stadium. Decent concessions. Got pretty drunk on vodka lemonades. I love the bullpen area (coincidentally where the vodka lemonades are). You can stand right on the rail 2-3 feet from the relievers. They have deep fried crickets at the stadium but I didn’t have any. Got a gnarly sunburn in the outfield for the Sunday day game I was at so that sucked.\n\n_Top memory_: One of the last game Pujols played as an Angel\n\n# 16. Progressive Field\nSimilar to Citizens Bank Park, I love the bullpens. Progressive gets the nod though because you can stand in front of the bullpens. Good beer options in right and love the field view in right field that you can go down to and watch for an inning. Close enough to downtown so easy to get to and fun staff. Good place.\n\n_Top memory_: Skipped work to go to a day game\n\n# 15. Great America Ballpark\nI like Great America. Wholesome family fun. I like to sit in left field seats. Good area outside the stadium. Great Bark in the Park games. One of my favorite breweries nearby. Never had a bad time at the stadium. I like the steam stacks in right as an ovation to the Ohio River riverboats, you can see Kentucky across the way, and one of those smokestacks caught on fire at a game I was at. Great America at 15 is perfect. Average stadium average score.\n\n_Top memory_: Pet many puppers at Bark at the Park.\n\n# 14. Nationals Park\nI like Nationals Park a lot. Solid all around stadium. Presidents race is awesome, love the entrance in left at outfield level and the concourse out there. Great views of DC. Love going to a day game and seeing all the Congressmen in suits leave in the third inning. Weird experience. Easy to get in and out with the metro. Not a lot to say, just a good all-around stadium.\n\n_Top memory_: Again, skipping work to go to day games mid week.\n\n# 13. Kauffman Stadium\nI like Kauffman. Very unique stadiums. The fountains are cool. I think I like the scoreboard with the crown. I really like the hall of fame in left. I like how small this stadium plays. It is very far from KC but next to Arrowhead. Honestly the fountains pushed this to the top of the middle third but again, middle third stadiums fit anywhere in the middle.\n\n_Top memory_: Stopped here to break up an 11 hour drive from Kansas back to Ohio.\n\n# 12. Oriole Park at Camden Yards\nLove Oriole Park! Went to opening weekend on Easter Day and got on ESPN for missing a home run ball. Was sitting in the front row in left field. Concessions are above average. Crab dip fries? Fuck yes. Too much Old Bay floating around the stadium but that’s my West Coast bias. I like the right field walkway behind the stadium that is technically part of the stadium. Feels like a baseball stadium. Easy to get to and close to downtown even if there isn’t much to do in the area. More double decker bullpens. Apparently I have a type.\n\n_Top memory_: Getting on ESPN even if for an embarrassing reason.\n\n# 11. Target Field\nTarget Field is beautiful. In the category of newer stadiums, they did well with it. Sweet right field concourse area. Cheese curds and fish and chips are great. I like the flags and Minnesota sign. They did well with the extra pieces of the stadium. Close to some good bars. Great stadium staff. Stop 4/5 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.\n\n_Top memory_: Devin Smeltzer debut.\n\n# 10. Coors Field\nBeautiful stadium. Had a Coors Light at Coors Field so that was cool. I like the outfield concourse. I like the mountain shape of the scoreboard. I like the bar on the top level of right field. I like the forest in center and the glass wall in front of the bullpens. The view from the front of the stadium is cool too. Looks like an old school stadium from the outside but more modern on the inside. Good all around spot. Great staff. Oh and there is a row of purple seats in the upper deck that is exactly one mile above sea level.\n\n_Top memory_: Sat in the Diamondbacks’ wives section behind home plate.\n\n# 9. Minute Maid Park\nVery cool stadium. I liked it way more than I expected and way more than I wanted to because I hate the Trashtros. Great stadium tour and the stadium has so much uniqueness to it. The train is sweet. I didn’t know left field was the old train station and that is the inspiration for the arches in left. Sat in the Crawford Boxes, which might be my favorite seat in baseball (only because I haven’t sat on the Green Monster yet). I like the staircase in center and all of the random walkways you can access. Fantastic brisket nachos. Top 3 if you go by concessions alone. Crawford Bock is a great stadium beer. The train moving is electric and love the big windows in left. Close to downtown but really nothing to do around the stadium.\n\n_Top memory_: Rangers vs Astros and Altuve hit a walkoff grand slam that went three rows directly over my head\n\n# 8. Citi Field\nLove the outside view of Citi Field. Reminds me of a turn of the 20th century stadium. I love the apple and the bridge in the stadium. Easy to get in and out of. Solid all round concessions. This is a stadium you are in and it just feels good to watch baseball. I don’t have a lot of notes, I just had a great time.\n\n_Top memory_: Worst thunderstorm I’ve ever been stuck in happened during this game.\n\n# 7. Busch Stadium\nSecond best backdrop in all of baseball. Beautiful field. Ballpark Village is a great strip behind the stadium. The Cardinals do a really great stadium tour and have a great museum. The Cards do everything well and it's really the backdrop that carries this stadium high.\n\n_Top memory_: Getting three bobble heads and taking non of them home because I only had a carry on.\n\n# 6. Truist Park\nOnly knock is how far away it is from Atlanta. Other than that, there is not one strike against Truist Park (lol see what I did there? Strike? Ha!). Fantastic brisket mac and cheese and my second favorite seat I sat in, the Coors Light Chop House in right field. The Battery is the area outside the stadium and is probably the best surrounding area of any baseball stadium. The Home Depot Clubhouse is a pretty cool piece of the stadium. Really cool de facto museum behind home plate on the main level and the Chop is the most electric chant in sports and I don’t care who knows it. It is. They drop the lights, it's magical.\n\n_Top memory_: Going with my buddy who is a season ticket holder and him hooking me up with seats for both games\n\n# 5. Petco Park\nPetco is beautiful. Absolutely deserving of being in the top 5. I love the old candy factory built into the stadium in left field. Has the overhangs on each level that are great for home runs. When I went, there was a giant sandbox in center field for kids to play in. The stadium is right off the water in the middle of downtown San Diego. Gorgeous weather. Fun fact, you can see Mexico from the stadium. I like the weird indent in right field for seemingly no reason. And it's in San Diego. Enough said.\n\n_Top memory_: Here for my birthday weekend and coming from Sea World, my brother was wearing a Nemo hat and got on the Padres pre game intro video on tv for the entire season. They were playing the Giants in Barry Bonds’ last season, he got hurt and I remember everyone cheering.\n\n# 4. AT&T Park\nI think you could make a case for Petco or AT&T here but the stadium beats out the “extras” of Petco. The third best view in all of baseball and I know that will be controversial. Fantastic stadium tour and probably the best one available. Concessions are great led by the garlic fries and bread bowls. The stadium is cold but I love it. One of the best features is in right field. You can walk up and watch the game for free through the fence. I know there is an inning rule and you are supposed to cycle out but if there is nobody there, you can stay the whole time. Splash zone home runs are also incredible with the kayaks and the fountains going off. I liked it better when the bullpens were on the field and the wall was further out, but it doesn’t impact the positioning here.\n\n_Top memory_: Came here with my dad in 2013 when they rose the 2012 World Series flag\n\n# 3. PNC Park\nThere is a reason Travel and Leisure ranked PNC Park one of the top 22 views in America. It is truly one of the most picturesque views I have ever seen. It is only accentuated by the nooks and crannies within. Even though the Pirates are absolute dogshit, Pirates fans show up and make PNC a great time. The concessions are great. They do a great job of showcasing the local Pittsburgh talent from pierogis to Primanti Bros. Every seat has a great view and this large ballpark plays small. Walking over the Roberto Clemente Bridge has to be the best commute to a stadium and there are a ton of great bars and restaurants around for post game fun. I also like the double dirt walkup from the on deck circle to the plate. Clean look.\n\n_Top memory_: My high school throwing partner made the Pirates roster in 2021 so I got to go down and see him on the field pre game\n\n# 2. Wrigley Field\nThese top two are just unfair. Wrigley is incredible. It looks how baseball is supposed to look. Walking off the train and walking around Wrigleyville is just the start to an amazing day. Build your own Chicago dogs, cheap beer, bleacher seats, cup snakes, and ivy. Just a few things that made Wrigley top notch. I have been lucky enough to hear Go Cubs Go at two of the three games I have been to including the first game. The second game had a rain delay and after we were able to move down to row 1 behind the Cubs dugout just in time to watch Wilson Contreras get ejected in a blowout and tell the umpire to “stop being so fucking sensitive you fucking pussy.” Classic. This was also the week of the 2021 trade deadline and the last time we would see Rizzo, Bryant, Baez, and others in a Cubs uniform. Another of the top 3 tours you will be on. This was stop 1 on the 5 games in 5 stadiums in 5 days tour.\n\n_Top memory_: Crushing Chicago dogs (my favorite style of hot dog) and cheap beers all day in the outfield to contribute to the cup snake\n\n# 1. Fenway Park\nI told you at the beginning that I am a Red Sox fan and I told you at the beginning I am an unbiased baseball journalist and food critic. That said, Fenway is top dawg. Everything about Fenway is incredible. To those who say “yeah but there and Fenway you are behind a pole” I say “stop being poor and buy better seats.” It is an experience and worth every penny. I balled out and went to Opening Day in 2021 at Fenway. My first ever Opening Day. It was 12% capacity, which sucked so I just had to go back. But I sat everywhere. Outfield for my first game when it was 30 degrees and I froze in the shade, upper deck down the right field line, and a few rows up from the right field line lower level. All great. Fenway Franks shit on Dodger Dogs. Great clam chowder at the concession stands. Drinking Sam Adams all day long. Except for the multiple vodka lemonades. Fun fact – I was served the first beer at the Sam Adams beer deck in the 2021 season. A title I will never forget and a responsibility I will never take for granted. I should say that I needed the itch for more Fenway. The 12% was great but didn’t feel right. So, spur of the moment, I flew back up for a Red Sox/Yankees game and it did not disappoint. Sweet Caroline is beautiful. Yankees suck chants are fantastic. Watching Gerrit Cole get shelled is everything I dreamed of and more. This takes the spot over Wrigley because I really value uniqueness. I love how different from any other sport, every baseball stadium is different. It brings a fun element to the sport. The bullpens are sweet, the staff is great. Sadly one of my least favorite tours and the seats are uncomfortable but minor setbacks for the GOAT.\n\n_Top memory_: Walking up for the first time and seeing the Green Monster\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/title-an-unbiased-ranking-of-all-30-mlb-stadiums/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/mlb_stadiums_ranked.jpg",
      "tweet": "A mostly unbiased ranking of all 30 MLB Stadiums by someone who has been to all of them."
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  {
      "title": "MLB Forced to Switch Jersey Manufacturer After Sweatshop Raided in China",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"MLB Forced to Switch Jersey Manufacturer After Sweatshop Raided in China\"\ndescription = \"Watchout Nike, there is a new Sheriff knock off in town. The MLB has been forced to switch their jersey manufacturer after dupes detected.\"\ndate = \"2025-01-03T12:32:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The #MLB has been forced to switch jersey manufacturer in Vietnam after sweatshop raided in China. Watchout Nike, there is a new Sheriff Knock-Off in town.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.royalsreview.com/2024/3/29/24115750/major-league-baseball-made-the-royals-start-using-the-bad-uniforms-and-it-stinks\"\nauthor = \"drewski\"\nimage = \"royals-uniform.png\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO -- CA The MLB announced earlier this month that they would be switching back to their old manufacturer. Many players and more importantly fans had chastised the league calling the new apparel “...cheap, uncomfortable, and ugly.” This change comes after it was announced by the Chinese government that they had raided and shut down a notorious sweatshop that had been posing as a sportswear company. The statement said “This house of thread horrors does not live up to the standard of successful knock-offs that we can be proud of.”\n\nI would say this a win win for everyone, but Fanatics is guaranteed to swoop in and ruin everyone’s day.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/mlb-forced-to-switch-jersey-manufacturer-after-sweatshop-raided-in-china/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/royals-uniform.png",
      "tweet": "The #MLB has been forced to switch jersey manufacturer in Vietnam after sweatshop raided in China. Watchout Nike, there is a new Sheriff Knock-Off in town."
    }
    
  
  ,
  
  
  {
      "title": "Athletics Rename: Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Athletics Rename: Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges\"\ndescription = \"The West Sacramento Athletics have announced that they're changing their name to the Sacramento Tower Bridges or The Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges\"\ndate = \"2025-01-23T10:11:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"BREAKING: The West Sacramento #Athletics have announced that they're changing their name to the Sacramento Tower Bridges or The Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"tower_bridge_as.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – The West Sacramento Athletics have announced they are renaming the team to the Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges. While we both hate that movie and would like to call out that the Athletics currently play out of WEST Sacramento, we approve of this name change. The I Street bridge is an iconic monument of the city.\n\nRaley's Field (get rekt Sutter), also plans to make some changes. First on the list, they’re replacing the outfield grass with sharp crushed boulders. This is predicted to drive up sales by Little League teams immensely. The Dinger dog is also being renamed to the Extinct Delta Fry Meat Tubes.\n\nWhile these exciting changes are incoming, let's not forget the best news of all, the complete demolition of the Oakland Coliseum. Those bleachers gave me sciatica, and I’ve only visited twice. While I did buy a nice $2 warm Coors Light on that concrete bridge approaching the Coliseum, I can’t say that I will be all that torn up about it.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/athletics-rename-sacramento-lady-bird-bridges/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/tower_bridge_as.jpg",
      "tweet": "BREAKING: The West Sacramento #Athletics have announced that they're changing their name to the Sacramento Tower Bridges or The Sacramento Lady Bird Bridges"
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Trump To Resurre Pete Rose for Baseball HOF Induction",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Trump To Resurre Pete Rose for Baseball HOF Induction\"\ndescription = \"Trump to resurrects Pete Rose for MLB HOF induction. Welcome to the HOF, zombie Pete Rose. This is just in time for lent.\"\ndate = \"2025-03-01T08:07:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Trump to resurrects Pete Rose for MLB HOF induction. 5thQuarterSports has discovered through Ancestry.com palm-greasing that Pete Rose, the player with the most hits in an MLB season, has a direct line of ancestry to Shohei Ohtani’s translator Ippei Mizuhara.\"\nimage = \"pete-rose-sliding.jpg\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSACRAMENTO, CA – In a stunning turn of events President Trump has declared not only does he have the ability to raise the dead, he is also resurrecting Pete Rose for the upcoming HOF induction. This is just in time for lent. The President announced this through both a post on Truth Social, and a screenshot of that posted on Twitter. As social media is the main way that Americans get their latest news updates from the politburo.\n\nTrump has derived this arcane power through a pact made with the devil in the early 2000s, and all he had to do was accept a free flight on a luxury private jet.\n\n5thQuarterSports has discovered through Ancestry.com palm-greasing that Pete Rose, the player with the most hits in an MLB season, has a direct line of ancestry to Shohei Ohtani’s translator Ippei Mizuhara.\n\nWelcome to the HOF, zombie Pete Rose.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/breaking-trump-resurrects-pete-rose-for-baseball-hof-induction/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/pete-rose-sliding.jpg",
      "tweet": "Trump to resurrects Pete Rose for MLB HOF induction. 5thQuarterSports has discovered through Ancestry.com palm-greasing that Pete Rose, the player with the most hits in an MLB season, has a direct line of ancestry to Shohei Ohtani’s translator Ippei Mizuhara."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "BREAKING: Pete Hegseth Leaks Hand Signals to Bat Boy",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"BREAKING: Pete Hegseth Leaks Hand Signals to Bat Boy\"\ndescription = \"Peter has stuck his foot in it again!\"\ndate = \"2025-03-24T16:05:00.000Z\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Pete Hegseth has leaked...the Yankees handsignals. Worse yet, it was to the Red Sox bat boy.\"\nimage = \"hegseth.jpg\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO – In a stunning leak of sensitive information Pete Hegseth accidentally sent the Red Sox’s Bat Bot hand signals, included in deeply disturbing texts of a sexual nature. The game is over.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/breaking-pete-hegseth-leaks-hand-signals-to-bat-boy/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/hegseth.jpg",
      "tweet": "Pete Hegseth has leaked...the Yankees handsignals. Worse yet, it was to the Red Sox bat boy."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices\"\ndescription = \"Imagine there's no baseball. The Los Angeles Dodgers have cemented themselves as the reigning dynasty in baseball. Their second championship is now in jeopardy.\"\ndate = \"2025-09-02T17:42:00.000-07:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices. The avant-garde artist builds on her work sabotaging successful groups.\"\nauthor = \"ngraves\"\nimage_source = \"https://5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"dodgers-yoko-ono.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nLOS ANGELES, California – The Los Angeles Dodgers have cemented themselves as the reigning dynasty in baseball, and despite a rockier season than last year, have seemed prepared to repeat their World Series victory this fall. However, their hopes for a second championship now seem to be in jeopardy as the 92-year-old artist Yoko Ono has been showing up to more and more of the team’s practices.\n\nDodgers Head Coach Dave Roberts had this to say:\n\n“We all agree it’s totally inappropriate for her to be there, but no one throws her out so, apparently it’s allowed. Most of the time she’s quiet and just watches. There’s also been a few times where she started wailing into a microphone and someone had to go take it away from her. I drew the line when she said she should be on the team playing as backup catcher, and luckily no one has budged on that.”\n\nOno has made no statement about her intentions and 5thQuarterSports did not want to approach her for comment.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/the-dodgers-dynasty-in-turmoil-as-yoko-ono-shows-up-to-more-practices/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/dodgers-yoko-ono.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Dodgers Dynasty In Turmoil As Yoko Ono Shows Up To More Practices. The avant-garde artist builds on her work sabotaging successful groups."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Baseball Rigged? Shocking New Evidence MLB Writers Handed MVP to Aaron Judge Before Season Even Started",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Baseball Rigged? Shocking New Evidence MLB Writers Handed MVP to Aaron Judge Before Season Even Started\"\ndescription = \"This wasn’t voting. This was muscle memory. absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem should find this surprising. MLB writers handed Aaron Judge the MVP\"\ndate = \"2025-11-14T11:42:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"Baseball Rigged? Shocking New Evidence #MLB Writers Handed MVP to Aaron Judge Before Season Even Started.\"\nimage = \"aaron-judge-mvp.jpg\"\nauthor = \"5thq_ginger\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nIn a stunning revelation that absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem should find surprising, new “evidence” (also known as common sense and basic pattern recognition) confirms that MLB writers handed Aaron Judge the MVP months before the season even began — probably sometime around January, between their third Dunkin’ trip and their daily ritual of ignoring West Coast baseball entirely.\n\nAnd who paid the price for this premeditated, baseball-voting atrocity? None other than the rightful, mathematically inevitable, universally beloved MVP: Cal “Ballistic Missile” Raleigh, the catcher who carried an entire franchise, several ZIP codes, and four tectonic plates on his back this season.\n\nBut sure. Give it to Judge. Again.\n\nMLB writers — a group best described as “sports bloggers who time-traveled from 1973 and brought their biases with them” — apparently looked at the league, saw Cal Raleigh launching baseballs into low orbit, calling games with chess-grandmaster-level telepathy, and dragging the Mariners into relevance with the raw power of his thighs, and said, “Hmm yes, but Aaron Judge plays for the Yankees though.”\n\nDid they analyze stats? Did they consider value? Did they even pretend to watch a Mariners game? Of course not. MLB writers haven’t stayed awake past the third inning of a West Coast game since the Bush administration. Their circadian rhythms don’t allow it.\n\nSo instead of giving the MVP to a catcher hitting nukes so violent NORAD had to update its missile-defense protocols, they gave it to Judge — a man who, according to sources, won the award because writers “already had his name pre-filled on the ballot” and “didn’t want to reach for the delete key.”\n\nThis wasn’t voting. This was muscle memory.\n\nLet’s be clear: Cal Raleigh didn’t just play baseball this year. He dominated reality. Every pitch he caught gained 2 mph simply out of respect. Every pitcher who threw to him saw their ERA drop by a run purely because they didn’t want to disappoint him. Every home run he hit triggered a mild earthquake, but the Pacific Northwest just calls that “Tuesday.”\n\nBut none of that mattered. Because the writers saw “Yankees” on the ballot and blacked out like they’d just viewed the Ark of the Covenant.\n\nThe MVP race wasn’t rigged. It was pre-rigged. It came rigged from the factory. Cal Raleigh walked in with Excalibur; Judge walked in with a pinstriped participation trophy; the writers handed him the crown before Raleigh even finished stretching.\n\nStill, real baseball fans know the truth. Not the writers. Not the coastal elite baseball illuminati. The fans. They know who the real MVP is. The man who swings a bat like he’s trying to punish baseballs for past crimes. The man who catches pitches like he’s intercepting enemy fire. The man whose presence alone raises Seattle’s GDP.\n\nCal. Freaking. Raleigh.\n\nJudge can have the trophy.\n\nRaleigh owns the legend.\n\nAnd also, again, several baseballs still orbiting the planet.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/baseball-rigged-shocking-new-evidence-mlb-writers-handed-mvp-to-aaron-judge-before-season-even-started/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/aaron-judge-mvp.jpg",
      "tweet": "Baseball Rigged? Shocking New Evidence #MLB Writers Handed MVP to Aaron Judge Before Season Even Started."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "The Greatest Robbery Since Ocean’s 11: Wilmer Wlores Denied MVP, America Denied Justice",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"The Greatest Robbery Since Ocean’s 11: Wilmer Wlores Denied MVP, America Denied Justice\"\ndescription = \"Objectivity? Wilmer Flores, eternal Giant, master of clutch, and the man with forearms carved from angel tears and motor oil, has been denied the 2025 NL MVP.\"\ndate = \"2025-11-14T17:50:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"The Greatest Robbery Since Ocean's 11: Wiler Flores Denied #MLB MVP, America Denied Justice. Objectivity Is For Cowards.\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nauthor = \"danny_dimes\"\nimage = \"wilmer-flores-mvp.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nIn a move that has shaken the baseball world, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America has committed what experts are calling “the worst decision since Blockbuster turned down Netflix.” Wilmer Flores, eternal Giant, master of clutch, and the man with forearms carved from angel tears and motor oil, has been denied the 2025 NL MVP.\n\nFans are calling it a national tragedy. Democracy itself is on life support. Reports are circulating that Joe Biden has declared a federal emergency, while local San Francisco bar owners have described beer shortages “worse than during the 2014 World Series run.”\n\n“Flores was robbed,” said one fan standing outside Oracle Park with a life-size cardboard cutout of Wilmer and a sign reading, “He hit .270 in my heart.” “This man carried the offense, my emotions, and half the fan base’s marriage stability through August.”\n\n## The Voters’ Crime\nThe MVP instead went to someone who apparently “hit for average,” “led the league in WAR,” and “wasn’t on a sub-.500 team.” But context matters. Did their home runs come with Latin rhythm and a soft smile that makes you rethink your life choices? No. Did they play every day like they were powered by cold brew and raw affection for the baseball gods? Absolutely not.\n\nOne voter reportedly justified leaving Wilmer off their top 10 ballot by saying he “didn’t move the needle.” This same voter admitted to once calling OPS “overly political statistics.” Another left Flores off entirely because they “don’t trust players who look genuinely happy.”\n\nInside sources say the BBWAA group chat is full of chaos. One writer allegedly tried to vote for “the concept of youth,” while another submitted his fantasy baseball roster by accident.\n\n## The Flo-metrics\nOur proprietary 5th Quarter Sports analytics model, built in a dorm room on a laptop covered in sunflower seed dust, shows that Flores ranked first in the following key stats:\n\n* Vibes Above Replacement (VAR): 11.3, league-leading.\n* Clutch Hair Consistency: 98th percentile.\n* “Would Help You Move a Couch” Score: 100 percent.\n* Forearm WAR (F-WAR): Unquantifiable, possibly divine.\n\nWhen factoring in “emotional clutch” and “ability to deliver heart palpitations during late innings,” Flores’s performance surpasses even vintage Barry Bonds (without the side effects).\n\n## San Francisco in Mourning\nAfter the snub, scenes in San Francisco turned biblical. Fans took to the streets chanting “Free Wilmer!” as Mission Street erupted in protest. A group of superfans erected a 12-foot statue made entirely of garlic fries and tears. At AT&T Park (which will always be AT&T, sorry Oracle), a candlelight vigil featured mariachi music, heartfelt poetry, and one drunk guy repeatedly yelling, “He made me believe again.”\n\nBob Melvin allegedly gave a speech in the locker room: “You can take the MVP from the man, but you can’t take the man from the MVP.” Then he ate a churro in silence.\n\nThe Man Himself\nWhen reporters told Flores about the snub, he smiled politely, winked, and said, “That’s okay. I play for fun.” Witnesses confirm several journalists audibly gasped, one fainted, and another proposed marriage on the spot.\n\nTeammates claim Flores brushed it off with his usual charm, then went 3-for-4 in a charity game the next day, just because that’s who he is: part legend, part folk hero, all sexy dad energy.\n\nMLB’s Attempt at Damage Control\nCommissioner Rob Manfred released a brief statement saying, “While we respect the voters, we hope fans understand the MVP is a subjective award and should not result in the destruction of office property.” Local reports indicate the statement was printed on a napkin from a Red Lobster.\n\nThe Final Word\nLet’s be honest, this isn’t about stats. This is about what’s right. Wilmer Flores deserves the MVP not for numbers, but for holding the Giants, and arguably society, together.\n\nHe is the reason for the season. The patron saint of underdogs and overachievers. The human embodiment of a walk-off hug.\n\nYou can give another man the trophy, but you can’t out-MVP a legend. Somewhere, across a sunset-lit clubhouse, Wilmer smiles. Baseball weeps. And the BBWAA better start hiding their ballots, because justice for Wilmer never sleeps.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/the-greatest-robbery-since-ocean-s-11-wilmer-flores-denied-mvp-america-denied-justice/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/wilmer-flores-mvp.jpg",
      "tweet": "The Greatest Robbery Since Ocean's 11: Wiler Flores Denied #MLB MVP, America Denied Justice. Objectivity Is For Cowards."
    }
    
  
  ,
  {
      "title": "Jerome Powell cuts price of hotdogs at MLB stadiums nationwide",
      "content": "+++\ntitle = \"Jerome Powell cuts price of hotdogs at MLB stadiums nationwide\"\ndescription = \"After months of haranguing from the White House, Jermome Powell cuts the cost of a hotdog by a quarter of a percentage point at all MLB stadiums.\"\ndate = \"2025-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00\"\n\n[extra]\ntweet = \"After months of haranguing from the White House, Jermome Powell cuts the cost of a hotdog by a quarter of a percentage point at all #MLB stadiums across the nation. The hotdog machine has been going \\\"brrr\\\" for far too long.\"\nauthor = \"staff\"\nimage_source = \"https://www.5thquartersports.com\"\nimage = \"jerome_powell_hotdogs.jpg\"\nrandom_social = true\n+++\nSAN FRANCISCO -- Jerome Powell, the Fed chair with the coolest name behind Ben Bernanke, has announced that after months of haranguing from the White House, that the cost of a hotdog, beef frank, hot link, glizzy, and polish will be cut across the nation by a quarter of a percentage point at all MLB stadiums.\n\n[We've written and reviewed these stadiums extensivly.](https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/title-an-unbiased-ranking-of-all-30-mlb-stadiums/)\n\nMany things triggered this cut, including the amount of hotdogs that the government has recklessly printed in the past years, the rising cost of inflation, and the pork price competition from the pending reintroduction of the McRib. The hotdog machine has been going \"brrr\".\n\nWhile Powell has \"soft landed\" the US economy from an all out recession (which in this case the national choice at stadiums becomes the hamburger and not a dawg) the methods which we relied on have been economically dubious to say the lease.\n\nIt is a step in the correct direction economically for Americans, baseball fans, and the US economy in general.\n\nWe thank Powell for this pragmatism.\n",
      "permalink": "https://www.5thquartersports.com/article/baseball/jerome-powell-cuts-price-of-hotdogs-at-mlb-stadiums-nationwide/",
      "image_location": "public/image/article/jerome_powell_hotdogs.jpg",
      "tweet": "After months of haranguing from the White House, Jermome Powell cuts the cost of a hotdog by a quarter of a percentage point at all #MLB stadiums across the nation. The hotdog machine has been going \"brrr\" for far too long."
    }
    
  
  
  
  
]