Breaking: MLB Owners Still Can't Find Keys To The Commissioner's Office, Lockout To Continue

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5thQ Staff Writer


SAN FRANCSICO -- I walked by Oracle Park this afternoon, on what I expected to be a bustling weekend. Around this time the stadium would be prepping for Spring Training. To my surprise, the stadium lay dormant and hardly a soul was in sight. I waived down a meandering security guard and asked him what was up, why was I walking by a ghost town. He looked at me as if I was kicked in the head by a horse as a child, a look I've received my whole life. The portly fellow draped his arm over my shoulders and told me a tale.

"The MLB owners have searched high and low for the key to the commissioner's office, and they are completely unable to find it." He said to me, "They've checked their spare pant pockets, rifled through their coats, tried every key on their keychain including the ones which open something unknown. It has been 45 long days, and they are running out of time to find them. Folks are starting to get worried."

"Is this a metaphor or something?" I responded.

"No son, this is real life. But to tell you the truth, I bought this security jacket at Goodwill. I use it to get into venues and events for free. I don't actually work here."

Regardless of the authenticity of our sources, this is what we choose to report on.

The lockout is reaching epic proportions, and we're worried it will start eating into the regular season games. However, there is still one hope for us here in San Francisco. We might be able to snag some sweet lawn seats at this season's Sacramento River Cat's games. Dinger Dogs, here we come.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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5thQ Staff Writer | @5thQSports
The staff writer, because whoever wrote it was too afraid to put thier name on it.