Oracle Park To Be Renamed: Salesforce Park

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Mayor London Breed is PISSED. This time, it isn’t due to those special cheques from the contractors who are working on ‘beautifying’ Van Ness on a weekly basis being late. This time it's all because of that walking wax statue Larry Ellison. When the news struck that Oracle was moving to Texas, that was the straw that tore the camel’s back. The second to last was purchasing Sun Microsystems to just sue Google, but that is besides the point.

A person gets to be the fallback when they build 25 children’s hospitals in the area. Thanks, Benioff. But you better watch yourself, mister. You’re in the hot seat now.

The stadium is planned to be built atop of a structure that rivals even the Burj Khalifa, specially built so those proud Americans aboard the ISS can watch a game or two. Is it opulent? Yes, however you can already see the curvature of the earth from atop the Salesforce tower, so there is at least some prior art.

Changes to the team are on the way to. A team color change is on the roster, out with the orange and black, in with the Salesforce blue and white. The ‘christening’ of the Park is already planned. Benioff will start opening day by clubbing Lou the Seal and turning Crazy Crab into some Crazy Cioppino. Those two are ‘outta here’ (I am sorry). In comes a cast of weird, cartoonish, anthropomorphic raccoons. How cute and cozy.

Us at 5thQuarterSports are excited to see you on Opening Day!

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?