In a move that has shaken the baseball world, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America has committed what experts are calling “the worst decision since Blockbuster turned down Netflix.” Wilmer Flores, eternal Giant, master of clutch, and the man with forearms carved from angel tears and motor oil, has been denied the 2025 NL MVP.

Fans are calling it a national tragedy. Democracy itself is on life support. Reports are circulating that Joe Biden has declared a federal emergency, while local San Francisco bar owners have described beer shortages “worse than during the 2014 World Series run.”

“Flores was robbed,” said one fan standing outside Oracle Park with a life-size cardboard cutout of Wilmer and a sign reading, “He hit .270 in my heart.” “This man carried the offense, my emotions, and half the fan base’s marriage stability through August.”

The Voters’ Crime

The MVP instead went to someone who apparently “hit for average,” “led the league in WAR,” and “wasn’t on a sub-.500 team.” But context matters. Did their home runs come with Latin rhythm and a soft smile that makes you rethink your life choices? No. Did they play every day like they were powered by cold brew and raw affection for the baseball gods? Absolutely not.

One voter reportedly justified leaving Wilmer off their top 10 ballot by saying he “didn’t move the needle.” This same voter admitted to once calling OPS “overly political statistics.” Another left Flores off entirely because they “don’t trust players who look genuinely happy.”

Inside sources say the BBWAA group chat is full of chaos. One writer allegedly tried to vote for “the concept of youth,” while another submitted his fantasy baseball roster by accident.

The Flo-metrics

Our proprietary 5th Quarter Sports analytics model, built in a dorm room on a laptop covered in sunflower seed dust, shows that Flores ranked first in the following key stats:

• Vibes Above Replacement (VAR): 11.3, league-leading.
• Clutch Hair Consistency: 98th percentile.
• “Would Help You Move a Couch” Score: 100 percent.
• Forearm WAR (F-WAR): Unquantifiable, possibly divine.

When factoring in “emotional clutch” and “ability to deliver heart palpitations during late innings,” Flores’s performance surpasses even vintage Barry Bonds (without the side effects).

San Francisco in Mourning

After the snub, scenes in San Francisco turned biblical. Fans took to the streets chanting “Free Wilmer!” as Mission Street erupted in protest. A group of superfans erected a 12-foot statue made entirely of garlic fries and tears. At AT&T Park (which will always be AT&T, sorry Oracle), a candlelight vigil featured mariachi music, heartfelt poetry, and one drunk guy repeatedly yelling, “He made me believe again.”

Bob Melvin allegedly gave a speech in the locker room: “You can take the MVP from the man, but you can’t take the man from the MVP.” Then he ate a churro in silence.

The Man Himself When reporters told Flores about the snub, he smiled politely, winked, and said, “That’s okay. I play for fun.” Witnesses confirm several journalists audibly gasped, one fainted, and another proposed marriage on the spot.

Teammates claim Flores brushed it off with his usual charm, then went 3-for-4 in a charity game the next day, just because that’s who he is: part legend, part folk hero, all sexy dad energy.

MLB’s Attempt at Damage Control Commissioner Rob Manfred released a brief statement saying, “While we respect the voters, we hope fans understand the MVP is a subjective award and should not result in the destruction of office property.” Local reports indicate the statement was printed on a napkin from a Red Lobster.

The Final Word Let’s be honest, this isn’t about stats. This is about what’s right. Wilmer Flores deserves the MVP not for numbers, but for holding the Giants, and arguably society, together.

He is the reason for the season. The patron saint of underdogs and overachievers. The human embodiment of a walk-off hug.

You can give another man the trophy, but you can’t out-MVP a legend. Somewhere, across a sunset-lit clubhouse, Wilmer smiles. Baseball weeps. And the BBWAA better start hiding their ballots, because justice for Wilmer never sleeps.