BREAKING: Ben Simmons to Join /r/antiwork Moderation Staff

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5thQ Staff Writer


SAN FRANCISCO -- America is fed up with work. They're sick and tired of being sick and tired, over having to spend any savings they have on a hospital visit only to learn that being 'sick and tierd' is not a diagnosable symptom outside of Lyme Disease or COPD. Ticks aren't even native to my area, Goddammit. How could I get Lyme Disease. But I digress. Americans are flocking to communities that are attempting to change working conditions to better suite the workers, with reasonable hours and better benefits. Reddit users have been driven to the /r/antiwork and /r/workreform subreddits for many months. The flock of the /r/antiwork church have been inspired by moderator Doreen Ford's widely lauded and revolutionary interview with Fox New's Jesse Watter's. The brave woman entered the Fox News battle ground, dodged all possible verbal traps laid by the skillful anchor, and came out ahead. So much so that she has inspired 76ers player Ben Simmons.

Simmons is breaking new ground in this work reform movement. His moral stance on not working transcends that which has been seen before. Doreen might have been walking dogs for ~20 hours a week, but Ben has her beat. He is anti-work to the point of losing over 19 million dollars through fines from the NBA for sitting games out. He is a true beacon in this anti-work movement. Some claim that he is not mentally ready to play in games. Some claim that he does not like his teammates on the 76ers. We at 5thQuarterSports have sources close to Simmons reporting that he is pushing the antiwork movement to places it never dreamed of going.

To enter the moderator staff of /r/antiwork, one must pass the gauntlet. One must battle a dragon. One must interview with Jesse Watters. That's right: Simmons is slated for an interview to evangelize the anti-work / work reform movement in early march. Given how Doreen slapped Watters down the court and back, we have extreme faith in Simmons for this interview. This will be a pay-per-view event, with Bruce Buffer (this "journalist's" least favorite of the Buffer brothers) announcing.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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5thQ Staff Writer | @5thQSports
The staff writer, because whoever wrote it was too afraid to put thier name on it.