Can The Golden State Warriors 2020 Performance Be Blamed On Moloch, The Owl God?

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Pope

2021-01-01


Looking back at the Golden State Warrior's 2019-2020 season, there is nothing but shock and questions around the team's performance. That, coupled with the departure of several key players, including Kevin Durant and Andre Iguodala, has raised several questions here at 5th Quarter Sports regarding a deeper, more systemic issue with the team. What could have changed?

First, we need to look at the 'secret sauce' that allowed such talent and domination from 2014 to 2019. This, ofcourse, can be attributed to the Warrior's little known post-game celebration: the ritual sacrifice of an orphan to Molach, the Owl God. This almost unknown practice was carried out religiously after every game. After away games, several players described it as a "...Bohemian Grove, away from home...".

Much like the reportedly powerful socialites that attend the Bohemian Grove celebrations, the powers granted by Moloch were just too tempting to be passed by the team.

So, what changed? Well, 5th Quarter Sports sources can confirm that this practice was done clandestinely. A select group of players would break off during the post game, and commit this act using a dagger engraved with ‘The City’. What happened next is a tale that is as old as time itself. Head coach Steve Kerr caught wind of this revelry after an away game in Kansas City. He immediately ordered the suspension of the practice and a letter of apology drafted to each of the orphanages that the children were ‘acquired’ from. Had he known the cost of this action, would he have turned a blind eye? It is hard to tell.

We here at 5th Quarter can only speculate that the recent departure of some of the Hamptons Five were related to the cessation of this practice. Possibly the player’s refusal to stop? Regardless, the results are apparent. The Blood God requires more Blood. He thirsts, and his slumber has been disrupted. Lessons from the Old Testament (the original play book) still need to be re-learned by modern teams.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?

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