Khabib to Retire After Dana White's Unsucessful Attempts at Resurrecting His Father

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FIGHT ISLAND, ABU DHABI -- We are here at the 5 meter wide pentagram on Dana White’s Fight Island, Abu Dhabi. The pentagram is drawn in the center of an octagon in chalk, a tea candle placed on each point of the star. Dark blood stains dot the mat. An obsidian knife rests in the center. This is the main area where Dana White’s attempts at transmutation have failed. The goal: to resurrect Khabib Nurmagomedov’s father.

We all know Khabib and his father, Abdulmanap Nurmagomedov, had an extremely special bond. The elder Nurmagomedov served as a coach and mentor to his son. After the tragic passing of his father due to COVID-19 complications in July of 2020, Khabib announced his retirement. Many fighters have tried to goad Khabib into a fight to relinquish his title through social media, notably Dustin Poirier after his bout with Connor McGreggor, however it has fallen on dead ears.

Now, I know that you’re asking, why has there been such a large gap between Khabib’s announcement and the official retirement? Some have theorized negotiations, some have speculated that Khabib could not be reached. These are untrue. 5thQuarterSports’ correspondent on Fight Island has tracked down what has happened between the months-long gap. What was discovered was shocking.

The real reason for the gap in time before the retirement announcement by Khabib and the official retirement was Dana White’s unsuccessful attempts to bring Khabib’s father back to life to coach him through the next fight (or series of fights). Dana’s obsession with the arcane has taken a turn. Many things have been pulled out of the underworld during the resurrection attempts. Unholy abominations, ghouls, the top half of Jeffrey Epstein screaming:

‘Quite choking me, guards! Guards!’

However, Dana was unable to actually summon Abdulmanap. The crimes against nature that were summoned have been ‘dealt with’, the various sacrificial offerings cleaned up, ram’s skull wine cups cleaned, and black robes stashed away for a later date. His primordial energies drained, Dana releases Khabib. We here at 5thQuarterSports can only hope that Dana continues his effort so us, the fans, can witness The Diamond vs The Eagle once again grace the octagon. Until then we wish Khabib well in a well deserved retirement.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?