In a stunning announcement, The Walt Disney Company has acquired World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. for an undisclosed amount.
The Connecticut-based sports entertainment company offers an unusual addition to the growing Disney stable, which has made several high-profile acquisitions in recent years including 21st Century Fox, MLB-founded streaming service Maker Studios, and Lucasfilm.
Witnesses report WWE Chairman Vince McMahon racing from WWE headquarters cackling wildly and clutching a suitcase stuffed with cash on Wednesday evening.
A spokesperson for Disney described the WWE purchase as “strategic outreach to a new audience” for the megamedia corporation.
“For all those parents who thought they could turn off Frozen and escape the Disney family, we’re excited to announce a new platform to keep you trapped in our loving embrace. From birth until death, The Walt Disney Company is buying out every option you have for entertainment.”
The new ownership will result in some immediate changes to WWE’s product, including the rebranding of Sasha Banks as her character on Disney’s The Mandalorian, Koska Reeves.
Banks currently holds the SmackDown Women’s Championship title and is known for being one of the “Four Horsewomen” that brought women’s wrestling to the main event stage. Her in-ring debut as Reeves is expected as soon as this Friday following her victory over Carmella at TLC.
Other changes rumored are the introduction of lightsaber duels as a form of in-ring competition and the repackaging of former US Olympian and current SmackDown Superstar Chad Gable as Baby Yoda. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is also expected to headline Wrestlemania as the musical guest with a special edition of his hit Moana song “You’re Welcome.” Disney hopes the move will grow WWE pay-per-view revenue with a revolutionary form of micro-targeted youth influencer campaigns, where viewers’ children refuse to stop singing the damn song until Mommy and Daddy play Wrestlemania for the thousandth time.