After Night With Fleshlight, Robert Kraft Changes Patriot's Team Name To 'The Boston Dynamics'

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5thQ Staff Writer

2021-08-22


BOSTON, MA -- Everyone has robots on the mind, or as they’ll be called in the future: people of artificial bodies. We’re seeing Elon Musk attempting to make ‘I, Robot’ a reality, or Netflix turning an iRobot pool cleaner into a great artist in Zima Blue. It seems like the whole of humanity has the next phase of AI and cyborgs as the topic of conversation. Philip K. Dick is rolling in his grave as we speak, and not just because we buried his cyborg body alive to prevent an uprising. The Singularity Is Near, and it turns out it is just a little robot dog here to give us unlimited cuddles, according to Black Mirror.

Given that pop culture is absolutely awash in robotics (and the news if it is refugee roboticists escaping an encroaching regime), it only makes sense that the next logical step is animatronic entertainment. We need to break through, beyond the robot overlords that rule Chuck E. Cheese and Wally’s Wonderland. We must introduce humanoids to the playing field. We’re not talking about Rocket League. We’re referring to the NFL.

Mr. Kraft had a tumultuous night. There was much tossing, and much turning. The man turned to the outlet that many of us resort to when the ambien is taking much too long to kick in and counting sheep just ain’t doing it. He reached for the ol’ trusty. He grasped Big Bertha with a loving embrace. It is 2021, if you’re not exploring your own body with silicon based accutroments you will not only be accused of being puritanical, you’ll also receive a discrete package in the mail for free if you promise to leave a 5 star review on Amazon.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is where gold was struck.

During an intense Twitter browsing session searching for suitable masterbatorial material Mr. Kraft came upon something extremely enticing. He saw robots doing parkour, backflips, and playing patty cake. The manufacturer’s name had a ring to it. Boston Dynamics. The rest is history.

Instead of draft days, free agency, and trading players, the wave of the future is upon us. The NFL of the future will have rules that resemble F1. Each team will have an R&D budget. A strict rule set will be announced, but creative solutions (which will be banned in the subsequent seasons) are highly encouraged. Which team can build a better machine? Which team can train a better AI? Some thought we’d try to live forever. Few thought that a Battle Bot’s spin-off would become the next hot platform for sports entertainment, soon to surpass even soccer.

We here at 5thQuarterSports welcome our robot overlords.

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5thQ Staff Writer | @5thQSports
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