Madden '21 to Replace Fans With What??

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Pope

2021-01-16


LOS ANGELES, CA - The next installment of the longest running, most popular, and only football game series in the history of both football and videogames, Madden ‘21 is slated to be released late this year. After the lackluster reception of the last installment, this year’s release is expected to pull out all of the stops.

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, EA has used this excuse to take notes from famous, high quality manufacturers to create this game. They’re stealing the playbooks (so to speak) from legendary companies such as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, FoxConn, and the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory. That’s right, they’re chaining up the doors, refusing to pay or feed the developers, and throwing away the key until a banger of a game is created. The tried, true, and old fashioned method.

If it works for iPhones and Everlasting Gobstoppers, why wouldn’t it work for this legendary franchise? Here at 5thQuarterSports fully endorse this method of creative exploitation. This author can’t even remember the last time his skin felt the warming rays of the sun!

New features have been released, and they’re a straight reflection of dire times. Here is a short list of 5thQuarterSports’ favorite:

  1. The ball is sprayed with sanitizer after every down, but oddly enough not for squibs.
  2. The fans are being replaced with advertisements, updated regularly. Heck, half of the menus now show banner ads fans should not be shocked by this one.
  3. A new mode, Broken Bubble Simulator is being released. Lets see how a season changes by players randomly taking trips to family, strip clubs, or seeing family at strip clubs.
  4. Before entering competitive online ranking mode, one must submit a negative COVID-19 test to EA one week in advance.
  5. This will be the final installment of the game due to a strange line in John Madden’s original contract! He misread the Myan calendar, and thought the world would end in ‘21, so decided that no more should be created.

We’ll see you joy stick jockeys out there real soon.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?

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