LOS ANGELES -- Its that time of year again: beers, brats, and BBQ. Friends and family come over, thousands of calories consumed. Stabbing rates rise significantly. That's right, it is Superbowl weekend. This year the Rams and the Bengals are competing for the Lombardi trophy. However, this year there is a twist. While the winners take home rings, a trophy, and glory; the losers will not leave at all.
Society has collectively agreed the last few years have been the roughest in memory. We've tried many things: praying to monotheistic deities, wearing masks, and staying indoors. Our leaders joined hands in Bohemian Grove to come up with a plan to make 2022 more bearable for all. Chanting over the flames of Molach the Owl God came the answer. We've been missing it all along. What we need is a human sacrifice to the Mesoamerican Gods of old!
That leads us to the Superbowl. To appease the Gods, one thing must be done. The losing team must be sacrificed on the field, broadcast live for the world to see. This is the literal last move we have to make sure 2022 is a good year. The 5thQuarterSports staff has arranged a burnt offering of our own this year to contribute, but that is only because I left the ribs on the grill too long. Here's hoping the sacrifice works, and crypto rises from the ashes.