Boca Raton, FL - Last week, a new competitive sport was born when a fledgling sports organization announced their competition calendar for 2023. This week, the National Powerwalking League is showing its already aged muscle with a multimillion dollar sponsorship deal with sports gambling giant DraftKings.
The National Powerwalking League was born out of the desire to give America’s agony aunts an excuse to daydrink and gossip about people outside their immediate family tree. While established sports like football and baseball have long tailored their events to family-friendly binge drinking by dads trying to relive their college days, the National Powerwalking League is dedicated to an activity just for the grandmothers, aunts, and mothers who are tired of being on the sidelines. NPL President Dottie Greenberg explained:
“With the new NIL [name, image, and likeness] rules, we forgotten matriarchs are ready for a piece of the damn pie. You Generation Zebra whippersnappers think you invented athleisure? I’ve been wearing the same damn spandex unitard since 1983. You never call, you never visit, so damnit, we’re powerwalking onto your television screens.”
5thQ sources tell us that Disney-owned ESPN and NBC’s Peacock are engaged in a tense bidding war for streaming rights that could go as high as $850 million dollars for the 2023 season. Teams located in Boca Raton, FL; Jacksonville, FL; Sarasota, FL; Naples, FL; Ashville, NC; Portland, ME; Phoenix, AZ; and Greenville, SC will compete in 10 events starting in October next year. Squads of 5 aunties will race around the block in the finest retirement communities this nation has to offer. Winners will be determined by pace and number of complaints registered per block.
DraftKings will reportedly pay the NPL $500 million dollars for exclusive betting rights in an effort to expand their reach among the most avid gamblers.
“The moment the NPL was announced, we knew we had to monetize….I mean support, this incredible new sport,” said DraftKing spokesperson Kyle DeBois. “You know who America’s real gamblers are? The old ladies chainsmoking at slot machines at 2 pm on a Tuesday. They’re the backbone of casinos, and now, the hottest thing in online sports betting.”
Is this the future of American sports betting? Maybe if you called your mother more, you’d know.