New Formula 1 Rule Awarding Point For 'Driver Of The Day', Nikita Mazepin Now Contender For Constructor's Cup

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Pope

2021-07-09


SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- The analysts here at 5thQuarterSports thought that we'd seen it all. We've weathered the storm through many trials and tribulations, but this may be

the straw that breaks the camel's back. This might even be the gravel that shreds our mediums (we all know what you're up to, Perelli, don't play games with us). We nodded our heads when track limits cost Hamilton a place in Azerbaijan. We shrugged our shoulders at the announcement of the sprint race. We were ambivalent about Renault's name change to Alpine. But what has come out of the official's gourds this time has us seriously questioning the FIA as an organization (and their possible ties (debts) to the Russian mobs).

The most recent press release from the FIA has introduced a startling new rule: the driver who is voted 'Driver Of The Day' will now receive a whole point! Even more shocking, they've decided to back-fill this whole season. We're looking at the chance for Mazepin to have more points than Alfa Romeo and Williams combined, all without having broken 10th place!!

Now, we all know that Mazepin is a stand up guy. Just take a look at his Instagram account: nothing but tasteful amature photography of nuns in their cloisters, pictures of restored cars, and various sourdoughs made during the pandemic. We've all been there and posted them as well.

Going even further, we even recognize he is a true saint on the track. He respects blue flags, strategically allows his teammate to draft and pass, and has even been scratched behind the ears by Toto Wolf - lovingly of course. This all-around darling figure has won the hearts and minds of the internet. Being voted Driver Of The Day not once, not twice, but for every damned race this season is an impressive feat. This is undeniable. Even if it is thanks to the frenzy stirred at 4chan.org, as well as several alt-right Russia controlled Facebook groups, we have definitive PROOF that at least some of the votes are from actual fans. Recount! Stop the steal! Oh wait, sorry, I got mixed up with my non-satire column that I write for Breitbart. Back to the matter at hand:

This has us questioning, what is the FIA going to leave up to the internet next? Will they allow the hive-mind to start naming cars? Will Botas' car soon be named 'Cary McCar Face', in a streak of originality that has never been seen before? Will the FIA allow the internet to decide which corners of each race will have track limits? OR, will the FIA give the internet the button to turn DRS on-and-off in some twisted dangerous version of 'Twitch Plays Pokemon Red'?? When will this madness end? It started at sprint races and Driver Of The Day points, and it is hard to see where it will go.

Close your eyes and pray. It will be a rough season from here on out. I personally blame the viewership boost that 'Drive To Survive' and a strong season start has caused.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
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