Carson Wentz To Form North Dakota Football Team

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Pope

2021-07-11


BISMARCK, NORTH DAKOTA --

"Oh yeah, you betchya", 

quipped Carson Wentz at the press conference where he just announced that he has plans to leave the Colts prematurely to form the a new North Dakota based football team. It was hard to hear any questions or answers after the roar of the reporters rose. The 5thQuarterSports staff doesn't have official press badges, per-say, but rely on pressing a Round Table Pizza cup to the window of the press conference. In any case, we're ecstatic for this news. The Northern Prairie State is a prime location for a football team. You don't believe us? WELL, allow the 5thQuarterSports team to, respectfully, prove you wrong.

First and foremost: a beer will cost MAX 3 dollars for 24 oz. How is this, you might ask? Let's put it this way; a gallon of gas costs $2.50 in the Peace Garden state. That, dear readers, should describe it all.

Secondly: the home field advantage will shake things up completely. Let's dive into this more. From the months of June to August, North Dakota experiences it's snowless months. During this time, not too much will change. Games will be as normal. HOWEVER, the other 9 months are a different story. There are a few things to expect during the spring-autumn months. It isn't unheard of for inches of rain to dump within a 15 minute period, completely changing up the field. This dynamism is exactly what will give the team an edge. Nothing is more terrifying than playing in ankle deep sludge. Also, let's not forget the snow. Training will be brutal, and will sculpt the team into a monstrous force. I mean just look at Wentz, training in these conditions prepares you to absolutely clobber any team in your way.

Thirdly and finally: the diet. How did Wentz hit 6'5, you ask? Easy answer. A steady diet of pizza and steak and two glasses of milk with every meal. There are 3x the number of cows compared to the number of people in this great state. There is no shortage of the above foods. This will build a GENERATIONAL force that will be unstoppable. 75lb 5 year olds will dominate the Pee Wee leagues. They will strike FEAR into the hearts of their opponents during away games. The 5thQ analysts expect no less than 4 opponant's broken bones per game on each of these away excursions. This is based on hard math.

Let's look at possible names for the teams. These have been gathered from interviewing folks from Fargo to Williston:

  • The Prairie Dogs
  • Oofta
  • Lutafisks
  • The Flatlanders
  • The Mosquitos
  • The Better Vikings

There were many, MANY, more suggested names. We felt the above selection was appropriate to capture the sentiments of those we interviewed.

Stay tuned and subscribe to our RSS feed, 5thQuarterSports will hit you with the important details in the coming weeks. We'll cut this Midwestern goodbye short by ~25 minutes and end it here.

Who Wrote This Crap?

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Pope | @MelloFelloYello
Did you play on my drumset?

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