ISLA SORNA, Costa Rica – Saquon Barkley is at the height of his powers and in the best shape of his life. At just 28 years old, the Eagles running back has entered his eighth NFL season as the reigning Offensive Player of the Year and a Superbowl champion, not to mention the most popular player in the league. He has all the flashy moves, confidence, and winning mentality of a superstar, and as good as he is, he’s only getting better.

So, could Saquon Barkley take a fully grown velociraptor in a fair fight, meeting at mid-field with no weapons and nothing else around, both combatants naked?

No. Two Saquon Barkleys couldn’t beat a raptor. Three Saquon Barkleys is where we can start to have a discussion, but it’s still most likely all of them are dead or dying within a couple minutes.

You might say, “but that’s Saquon Barkley. He’s a big guy- 233 pounds. But he’s also super fast and agile. The dude breaks tackles in his sleep.”

Well, maybe mommy and daddy haven’t let you watch Jurassic Park yet, because if you’d seen what I’ve seen, you wouldn’t be so sure about his chances against a raptor. Look: we’re not talking about the huggable teddy bears from the reboot movies. We’re talking about the real thing. The 300-pound six-feet-tall phantom predators of your dad’s nightmares. Deinonychus.

We’re talking about deranged man-sized lizard monsters that only want to hunt and eat YOU. They have cheetah speed and knives for fingernails, and can open doors and jump onto roofs. Make no mistake, they have complete psycho energy at all hours of the day, and they will chase you down, disembowel you with one swipe, and start eating your organs while you’re still alive. Dead serious. They’re fucking terrifying. If my parents hear me say that I’m toast, but there’s no other way to describe it.

So how about five Saquon Barkleys? Surely five of the 2024 NFL Offensive Player of the Year could beat one raptor, right?

Well, consider this: it only takes a fraction of a second for a raptor to disembowel a Saquon Barkley, completely taking him out of the game. Now you only have four Saquon Barkleys.

10 Saquon Barkleys is interesting because you have enough bodies to somewhat overwhelm the raptor, at least for a moment. But what even is their offense? Can you punch a raptor to death? Are they going to kick it in the ribs? Remember, they’re not wearing shoes.

It seems the real plan would be to have one or two Saquon Barkleys try to strangle the raptor while the rest pin it down. Certainly, some restraining will have to be done, and a handful of Saquon Barkleys would indeed have a weight advantage. However, the barrier remains, and the Saquon Barkleys know this, that to the raptor’s teeth and razor-sharp claws, their soft naked bodies would be like butter to a hot knife.

Let’s go for overkill: 25 Saquon Barkleys. 25 of the best running back in the game, the former Offensive Rookie of the Year turned Superbowl Champion and NFL Rushing Yards Leader. Surely 25 Saquon Barkleys is sufficient, but let’s do our due diligence and examine the situation at hand:

This velociraptor is a death machine out of its mind. You’re 25 Saquon Barkleys with no clothes on and no organization. There’s nothing to hide behind and you’re scared and ashamed of your manhood, and by the time you snap to reality you’re down to 21, then 20 Saquon Barkleys, and there’s blood everywhere, and all you hear is screaming, and snarling, and no one has even hurt the raptor yet.

So as difficult to believe as it may be, the research indicates that 25 Saquon Barkleys would have a very tough time winning this fight.

Could 100 Saquon Barkleys take a raptor?

Sure, why not. Maybe if they’re well-coordinated and really have some harumph in the fight, maybe they could beat the raptor.

But you can’t have 100 Saquon Barkleys.

In the opinion of this reporter, any reasonable number of Saquon Barkleys is not enough to win this fight, and even unreasonable numbers like 100 are dubious.

And with that I can hear all you would-be paleontologists typing at me, so okay, fine. We can dream. My mom didn’t cover my eyes during the raptor scenes, and we’re way out of scope, but sure, we can dream. How many seats are there in Lincoln Financial Stadium? 67,594.

Could 67,594 Saquon Barkleys kill a raptor? Yeah, I guess they probably could.

But what’s even the point of that? 67,594 nobodies could kill a raptor, probably. You’re now completely missing the point of journalistic inquiry and sadly, Saquon Barkley no longer has a place in this conversation.

But still, imagine- a stadium completely full of people, with two football teams and all the crew and everyone on the sidelines, and venders and mascots amongst the crowd and useless security milling about- upwards of 68,000 people. 68,000 people naked and confused and suddenly very afraid, and one pissed-off velociraptor right at center field.

Imagine that. Wait no, a T-Rex.