SACRAMENTO -- Gentlemen. Your girlfriend and the ancient Greeks were onto something. The key to parlays that land aren't in advanced analytics tools, insane Excel charts, or personal databases. Your Over/Unders won't hit based on how well you know both team's offensive and defensive lines. Your lightning pick, first quarter sure-things won't be a sure thing unless you do one thing. You must ensure that your bets align with not only your star sign but also the teams' star sign. This, is starsignmaxxing. The newest way to ensure that you're kicked off DraftKings and PrizePicks for winning too much.

5thQuarterSport's expert betting analysts didn't plan on this ground breaking discovery, it was much more happenstance. We were backtesting a classical machine learning algorithm on historical betting data and found this shocking strategy. There is a direct correlation from our (not overtrained) model on the optimal betting strategy. When the opposing team's signs are crossed, and your's is aligned with one, that is the side you most bet for or against. Only in this circumstance will a bet be highly probable to succeed. Sports bettors must put their favoritism in the back seat. Trust the process. Monitor the situation. Nothing ever happens except fat dubs when you listen to the stars.

The ancients used these stars to navigate the globe. This is all the proof you need. They gambled with their very lives on the stars. Your girlfriend? She gambled her future happiness on alignment. So why don't you trust your same game parlays with the very same mechanism?

More research needs to be done if rising / falling signs need to be taken into account. We will report back with full findings once the model has finished processing the historic data.