SACRAMENTO -- The numbers speak for themselves. What players have recently had ACL tears? Lets first take a look.

• Patrick Mahomes
• Micah Parsons
• Nick Bosa
• Malik Nabers
• Tyreek Hill
• Tucker Kraft
• Zach Ertz
• Marshon Lattimore

A star studded cast of the newly injured. A concerningly high number, and it continues to trend upwards.

We sat down with leading medical professionals who focus on sports related injuries, experimental kinesiologists, and Tonya Harding (expert on knee trauma) to better understand and finally get to the bottom of this wave of debilitating injury that is sweeping the NFL. We explored all avenues. We even asked Aaron Rogers, but we all know what he is blaming this on. Here is what we asked the actual experts:

• Is this contagious?
• Are they related?
• Is there a unifying factor?
• Why has the frequency increased recently?
• Who is to blame?
• Is this fake, all part of a wide-spread conspiracy theory involving the predetermined outcomes of the NFL?

The answer is astounding. The conclusion was agreed upon by all members of our expert panel, independently mind you. There was no cross-contamination on this deep analysis.

Today's men are just soft. In the 80s and 90s players would snap their knees left and right. Know what they did? Sat down on the bench, drink a WARM light American lager, smoke a Cowboy Killer, then get back on the field for the second half, all for making a salary in the tens of thousands of dollars. Did they have a staff of professional physical therapists, masseuses, and stretchers back then? No. They had a Roseary and a dirty rag to bite on. The worst part? The rags already came dirty from the store.

We have no sympathy for these multi-millionaires with a bit of patellofemoral pain. Get back on the field like a violent animal drunk on rage and high ABV spirits as your fathers did before you.