NEW YORK -- A man who cannot be stopped, who has broad support from the people, who is attacked relentlessly on social media, and who is villainized by the lame-stream media. Zohran Mamdani. This man is taking over as NFL commissioner at the start of the year. His policies are sweeping, bold, and revolutionary. We break them down here. After Roger Goodell's ousting after appearing in the Epstein Files the League deeply needs new blood in the leadership position.
5. Free Childcare for WAGs.
First and foremost, the cost of childcare in the NFL is astronomically high. The first policy that the public was told of was free Montessori Schools for all of the player's children, up to their 5th child. This will even the playing field, education-wise, across the NFL and will save a large amount of salary cap that would be spent on childcare. We can now get more TikToks of WAGs absolutely slaying.
4. Kickers Don't Need to Wear Helmets
This one is a no-brainer and has been circulating the NFL for years. The helmet has been a handicap for both kicking distance and kicker sanity for years. There is zero point, outside of consistent uniforms, for a kicker to wear a helmet. This is just the kind of red tape that Mamdani is hoping to cut, for the good of the League. For progress, some parts of the massive bureaucracy that runs the NFL needs to be trimmed.
3. Free Transit to and From All Games
Fair avoidance is no longer a crime. The NFL will be providing free public transport up to 10 miles from each stadium as well as their associated airports. More buses, cleaner buses, and also a push for high speed rail. Infrastructure Week? Try Infrastructure Year. Zohran will single handedly revolutionize the transportation regime of the NFL. The more people who visit, the better the games look on TV.
2. City-Owned Concession Stands
The NFL will allow cities to manage one concession stand in each stadium. Stadiums are often food deserts, without much fresh produce available to fans. Most fans simply get by with processed foods and expensive light beers. This plan will provide fans with cheap nutritious meals, such as buffalo wings and garlic fries. This is projected to reduce fights at Eagles games by 10%.
1. Rent Control for Season Ticket Holder Seats
Finally, season ticket holders have some great news. Rent control. No longer will fans have to worry about going to a game 10x a year or paying for gas. Now the rate at which season tickets increase in price YoY is capped at 3%, and 2% if you bought the tickets before 1980. This keeps the fans in the game, and prevents foreign nationals from snapping up tickets from those who cannot afford them. American sports, for Americans. This is Democratic Socialism at work.
Great plans as Zohran assembles his administration. We have high hopes on how he executes them starting in the new year.