SAN FRANCISCO -- Coco Gauff absolutely crushed the French Open, being the first American woman to win since Serina Williams in 2002. With this win comes fame, recognition, and of course brand deals. The world has moved on pasted the time honored Wheaties, the world has more sophisticated tastes. On the table for Gauff is Cocofloss, the rope-like floss which is sweeping the nation. This is fitting for a tennis player because it is thick and durable enough to string a racket. It causes advanced levels of gum bleeding, it is NOT for the faint of heart.

Up next on the list of sponsorship deals is with Cocoa Puffs. We are coo-coo for Coco Gauff (my Canadian girlfriend told me this one as I was desperately trying to find other pun-based sponsorships). The commercial is set to be in the style of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", with her playing tennis against that fucked up bird which I can't seem to Google the name for.

Finally, we have Coco Gauff coconuts. I've given up. I've been doomscrolling for weeks, 4-5 hours on my phone each day just flicking between apps like a rat with a pleasure button. I don't even watch tennis. I'm so underqualified to write this article.

Shout out Coco Gauff. We're proud.