SACRAMENTO -- I'll come out and say it. I'd rather drink a bucket of warm dog slobber than drink SoBe again. The day they switched from glass bottles to plastic is the day that the Earth stood still. The Lizard Milk simply is not that good. The flavors are always too strange, an odd fusion inspired Elixir which never quite tastes right. After drinking them I always felt a strange haze, almost as if someone was shaking my voodoo doll too hard. I suspect they were discontinued because Pepsico is an odd organization, with many tendrils.

Now, 'Zonas? Those are nectar. Straight from the teat of Gia. The perfect serving size, now 21oz sadly but still the most generous. Their brand merch is inspiring. They will literally punish gas stations who try to rip-off the consumer by over charging. The beverages and light, flavorful, and straightforward.

The world would be a complete place if they ever brought back Shaq Sodas. Now those were ambrosia in a can, and I will never forgive Shaq for not fighting for his damn life to save those beautiful cans.

'Zona is also releasing a Hard AriZona Tea. We cannot endorse the consumption of alcohol, but we assume that they are better than those silly little Hard Mountain Dews.