SAN FRANCISCO -- The Glizzy Gobbler, the Johnsonville man of the year, the King Glizard himself, Aaron Rodgers appeared on the JRE podcast spouting some truly revolutionary ideas surrounding health and wellness. This is some life altering medical advice from a professional who's been doing his own research since his days in the lab back at Butte College, just outside of lovely Chico, California.

First up, nanoparticles. He is been studying mustard for decades, this man knows his sauces. He's looked at the common French's from Walmart, to German Stone Ground from Wholefoods, to even specialty varieties like Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale Mustard from his alma mater. And guess what? They ALL cure AIDS. Wild stuff. They help restore T-Cell counts, and teach the body how to stop the small HIV invaders from propagating. Wild wild stuff. He is making strides in support of the LGBTQ+ community and we commend him for his forward thinking.

Then came the shocker. Weiners cure cancer. Something to do with nanoparticles attacking the microtubuales gone haywire after telomere shortening, but we're no experts and those three syllable words just confuse and anger us. Must be the head trauma. Apparently the number of grill marks are directly correlated to the shrinkage of tumors. This is especially prevalent in cancers which effect the epithelial tissues. Lips and assholes cure lips and assholes. Sinclair's "The Jungle" had it all wrong.

Finally, when prodded by Rogan, Rogers opened up and announced that he is in talks to replace RFK JR. as Secretary of HHS after he had fallen out of favor with the Trump administration for attempting to curb the West Texas measles outbreak. Astonishing stuff, a meteoric rise in his political career.

We may have been critical of the man in the past but we will be watching the health of the country closely after everyone is prescribed one glizzy per day, with mustard.